Personal Musings

THE BIGGEST ENEMY IS YOURSELF

Long time no see, blog.

This may come together as a giant outpour of mental diarrhoea….but I gotta get it out!! So readers, beware:D

It has been a continuing, gradual process of self-discovery, self-evaluation, healing and growing during my time here in Korea. A process of allowing myself to pull out that box of problems that I pushed to the deep recesses of my mind, to force them t come to light, to force myself to FACE them and resolve them. And hey – it is super difficult, and the more I unravel about myself; the more I realise and recognise just how much of a battle it is.

Its true – sometimes there’s a part of us that doesnt want to change. Because more often than not, change is difficult, and painful, and we just can’t be bothered. There’s a very big part of me that fights to keep acting like I know, to repeat the same behaviour which is familiar to me, knowing full well it is detrimental to my psychological health, my spiritual health – and that is absolutely NOT what God wants for me.

Man….I frustrate myself sometimes.

I am naturally, VERY introverted. Everyone who sees me regularly will insist I’m lying and that I’m an extrovert in denial – haha! But I am not. I can very easily spend a lot of time with myself and I have always disliked big crowded events with a lot of people because *GASP * it would mean that I would have to try and make small talk *horrified face * and I am the most awkward turtle EVER (dangerous, as too much time alone leads to too many thoughts which can lead to negativity which can lead to a relapse of depression….dammit~)….BUT. Again, I know that God has NOT called me to be a social recluse and NOT impact and encourage others by making myself lonely and useless!

We are called to love God and love others – so as commonly said, and as my friend said to me; are we REALLY doing the former, if we cannot do the latter?

So that brings me (again) to fear – if we let fear hold us back, if we let THAt be the reigning factor in our lives – then we essentially block ourselves from fulfilling our potential to do great things! Until we step into our calling and move boldly through this life, it will only be a “what if.” And that is exactly what the enemy wants – for us to never realise that we are ALL capable of doing something amazing in our own right.

So in a roundabout way, I am completely frustrated and annoyed at…MYSELF. For caving in; for shrinking back and being tired of…well, EVERYTHING right now. I’m human…and I’m tired. And I want to give up. Why CAN’T I perform better? Why CAN’T I be more creative? Why CAN’T I take criticism like I should? Why do I have to wait so long to see fruit of my hard work? Why don’t I have the energy or can be bothered to make the effort to socialise and not be uncomfortable about it? Why can’t I accept myself for who I am (fully)? So many questions…

And…I don’t have an answer for that. At least, not now.

Mind over matter. How often do we hear things like this? Sometimes its not the actual matter at present, but our ATTITUDE and how we react to it. And lets be honest, being a foreigner in another country DEFINITELY confronts you with a lot more conflicting situations and feelings than you would in a situation more comfortable to you.

And God knows this! By bringing things you dont want to deal with to the surface; and by smacking you in the face with them. But, if we don’t deal with our insecurities and fear and problems, how do we grow and learn and move on to do bigger and better things??

You know, I’m not going to lie that I don’t feel a bit sad/hurt/disappointed/rejected that on a regular basis, aside from (very) few friends, only my mother contacts me here to see how I’m doing. I’m not going to lie that in the majority of my time spent here that I am alone; and the balance between enjoying my solidarity and feeling alone and isolated is very fine. I’m not going to lie that following God is hard, and walking blindfolded leaves me questioning my worth and what I’m doing, ALL the time. I’m not going to lie in that a season where friends everywhere are getting married and hooking up and you are (still) forever alone, doesn’t make you wonder if there is something wrong with you and that you WILL be forever alone.

I’ve BEEN there. I AM there. But at the end of the day – it is MY choice to think optimistically or pessimistically about my circumstances I am in; the biggest enemy we fight is OURSELVES. Just as it is our choice to follow Jesus, it is our choice and our onus to think positively, pray and see God in the season we are in. It is up to US to fight against our negative thoughts and situations and figure out WHY we are going through what we are going through, see what God wants us to learn from it, and how he wants us to grow THROUGH it.

Let’s be real, to keep playing the victim card whe you are out of firing range should be a red flag to YOURSELF that its time to wake up and stop feeling sorry for yourself, and LET GO. I don’t want to be that person on facebook that just b**ches about everything. Negativity breeds negativity. And I know and believe God wants us whole – and wont be satisfied with only part of us because we don’t *really * want to face our problems.

Our mind, our SELVES can be our biggest enemy. So as I try to tell myself too – don’t let the lies win. Don’t live your life as a sub-par version of yorself just because you let your mind stop your actions.

Mind over matter. Life IS a battle. But with Jesus you CAN and WILL do anything.

Now, to convince myself.

Ephesians 6:12 “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

Be blessed,

Beckii x

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Personal Musings

DON’T BELIEVE THE LIES.

What are the lies that you believe about yourself? “I’m not smart enough.” “I’m not thin enough.” “I’m not GOOD enough.” “I’ll never succeed.” “I can’t do it.” …and the list goes on. How much garbage do we allow the enemy to feed to us, for us to believe it as truth? How easy is it, to let one thought poison your mind and infiltrate? And like a cancer it spreads…and the lie becomes a *part* of you.

 

My pastor here in Seoul challenged us all to give up something for 40 days in the count down to Easter – to give up something that we ‘need’ and rely on, and replace it with time/thoughts focused towards God instead (well….thats always the plan. Doesn’t always end up that way though, haha). So me, being the bread-loving, -loving, carb-loving crazie that I am, decided to give up all carbs. Something that I have indeed fasted before, but of which killed me for a LOT shorter period of time than 40 days ( my previous time was 3 weeks….daaaang that was hard)…Lord be with me! Haha.

 

So of course, now all I can think about is BREADBREADBREADBREADWAFFLESPANCAKESRICENOODLESWAFFLESPANCAKES!STOPEATINGBREADNEARMEWHATSTHATSSMELLWAFFLES!?BREADRICECAKEARGGHH. Wish I was kidding….hahaha. Okay. Kind of=P

 

This time however, although I KNOW now what it is like to deprive myself of bready goodness (or anything white, processed and nummy for that matter), to my horror my mind took a turn for the worse – something that since leaving Australia and stepping foot in Korea – has never happened. And it felt all, too, much…like ‘home’.

 

As stupid as it sounds, id been riding so long and so high on a cloud of God-given joy during my time in Seoul, that I almost forgot what it was like to feel complete hopelessness and to feel despair. Not that I haven’t had times of struggle here; but rather the first time in a long time that I felt that it was ME who was the problem…and my mind shut down.

 

So here I was, thinking that I could have possibly rid myself of my condition forever. Sure seemed like it, with smooth sailing in my head for the past year or so, my mental health pushing forward rather than back. But as a lot of you out there most likely know, the harder you try to run towards God, the faster and harder opposition attacks – and since struggling and consequently crashing in the past few weeks, I have now learnt a few things:

 

  1. Mental health issues do not just ‘disappear’ (my life wish) – in most cases, you simply learn how to live with them, and ‘control’ it better ( and battle it, at some points. I wish I had a lightsaber. And for those of you out there who think differently, Christians are as prone to psychological issues as anyone else. Christians are human like anyone else, yoo)
  2. The words and expectations of others can be VERY damaging. We need to remember that we are all made differently; we all have a different plan and purpose for our lives – what God planned for us, not what others around us want us to do and be. Our worth doesn’t lie in other people’s opinions of us! So a reminder to look to the opinion and guidance of the one who matters the most – God.
  3. Our mind is our battlefield most of the time – without the believe that we CAN, we WILL, that HE will – it is so easy to give p, so easy to be disheartened and to be stuck in limbo with no heart to push through your struggles and push forward.
  4. Being stuck with darkness in our lives SUCKS, no doubt – but without testing and situations that need patience, would we ever feel the need to trust God? Or would he be pushed to the side, stuffed back into the emergency box for when we actually need a *miracle*? So I ask myself for the billionth time…do I trust You will bring me through again, God?

 

My friend reminded me – even though this FEELS like it did in the past, I am no longer the person I was – and I have a new arsenal of weapons to go into battle with; including the knowledge that what I think IS indeed a lie. Amen to that – this is where I go and slap myself in the face and tell my brain to shut up.

 

So I am mentally recharged and moderately better from the emotional slump I was in last week; but in a way it was a good reality check on my weaknesses, and the need to stop seeking approval through other people. Whether they are out to secretly undermine you, or they love you but dont understand you, OR you just had a bad day and anything that comes out of their mouth sounds like they trying to mess with you….in the end, FORGET those lies. FORGET what the enemy tells you, its a freakin LIE. I gotta remember to look UP, to look forward. And thats it.

 

Philippians 4:13 “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

 

Ending with Andy Mineo – You Can’t Stop Me. Hehe//

 

Be blessed,

 

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

WORTH.

“We cannot think of being acceptable to others until we have first proven acceptable to ourselves.”
― Malcolm X

 
as I alluded to in my previous blog, self-worth – or lack of it – had a tight grip on me growing up [and still holds me in bondage to some extent, even now] and well into my young adult working years [although…i suppose I’ve only been out of university some 3+ years…..shhhh! still counts somewhat, haha] I struggled against feeling I was worth anything and that I had to really, really WORK for acceptance and love from others. for it did not seem freely given.

 
how many times do we fall into this trap? watching the world around us – believing that if we are not good looking, don’t earn a lot of money, are not incredibly [book] smart, don’t have high status – that we are of lesser worth than those who have been blessed with the possession of such things.

 
NOT true! ….I try to remind myself of this…daily…because I fail…daily…rofl.

 
due to environmental factors growing up I held solid to the fact that if I did not perform well, if I did not earn a lot of money – then I was worth NOTHING. that noone would ever care, love, or notice me unless I could be impressive in some way.

 
so I wasn’t [naturally] the brightest crayon in the box, I was far from pretty [I went through WAY more than an ugly duckling phase. more like…brown bagged sickly ducky don’t-look-at-me phase], I was okay at a lot of things but never excelled at anything [ jack of all trades, master of none], I was incredibly introverted – and by constantly, constantly comparing myself to others, this pushed me to work hard to prove myself; but by the same vein, increased my self hatred and loathing tenfold.

 
[again…not healthy. don’t ever compare yourself to others. God made you the way you are, flaws and all. you have your own special purpose given to YOU – other people have their own, different purpose]

 
transitioning from that into an awkward young adult – trying to be something I wasn’t to try and earn the love others seemingly easily received [“why can’t I look like that?”]; constantly getting questions “when do you work?” “when are you working?” “how much money do you earn?” “you should be working to earn money right now” “why aren’t you getting any money for this?” …BURNT OUT. so I ask myself – why do I exist, if everything I do is never good enough and consequently noone will love me for it?

 
working so hard endlessly to earn your worth is fruitless – after a while it just feels like nothing you do will ever be good enough, right? that you have to keep doing more and more and more to feel your worth. WELCOME TO STRUGGLETOWN ^_____^

 
“I will never be rich enough”, “I will never be thin enough”, “I will never be pretty enough”, “I will never be popular enough”….the list goes on!

 

 

 

and then I realised – God calls us to live in this world, but not to be OF it [Paul tells us in 1 Peter 2:11, “Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul.”] – we do not need to look to the world for approval, nor to feel bad if we are not accepted as different to what is ‘normal’….because God made us just the way he wanted us:) we weren’t made to be SOMEONE ELSE.

 
Pastor Young Kim from Bethel Church preached this past weekend at a worship night, and one thing he said particularly stuck with me…WHO told you that you cant do a certain thing? Who told you that you aren’t beautiful? Who told you that you aren’t able to succeed? WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT WORTHY?

 
The lies of the world will always be around us – but we are called for a greater purpose! you ARE worthy, because God has chosen you as his child of light. And this is freely given to us through Jesus’ death, through what HE did. FREELY given. As cliche as this will be, im going to pop in the well used John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” [i swear this is relevant to what im about to write….really. ahaha]

 
Lot of people out there are like…PPFT! as if someone sacrificing their own son is love! …but isnt it? I can’t go too much into this for fear of veering too far off topic [rambling beckii…there’s a party going on in my head and I don’t know whats going on] but this is the extent of how much God loves YOU and how WORTHY YOU ARE – that you would be saved from the perils of sin [which we all have…don’t pretend you don’t. I certainly do] by sending his most beloved…his own son…to take the burden of all the things He hates, so that we may receive true life. and Jesus willingly took this burden.

 
A more relatable example – if someone was to die in place of you, willingly…someone who was a good, amazing person – what would you feel? would you be able to feel the sacrifice they made for you?

 

 

our worth lies in not how much we earn, or how many girls or boys we can attract, or how many likes we get on a Facebook status or followers on Twitter. what does it really matter if some celeb ‘follows’ you, or likes your status? they’re just people in the end, just like anyone else.

 
worldly status is nothing. our worth lies in who we ARE, and what we DO with it. God loves YOU, and God calls us to love each other as unconditionally as possible [….as humanly possible, anyway] and not fall into sin [of envy of others, of self hatred, of bitterness….etc].
cmon…when you KNOW someone loves you…don’t you feel all the more worthy?

 
as love increases; the need to meet standards of the world decreases. you WILL have value no matter what! in Gods eyes, and you don’t have to struggle to receive acceptance from those who may judge you on external/superficial factors. You can be poor as anything, rich as anything…it will not change God’s love for you. It’s going to be exactly the same regardless. Buddy.

 
Romans 8:38-39 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

 
as love increases; your awareness of your true worth will start to increase….for you are loved, and there is no fear in true love [ 1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”]

 

 
Other ladies [because…I need this just as much as you do] – you don’t need to struggle with conforming to the world’s standard of beauty…cake-facing your makeup is just gonna clog your pores;) and dressing for attention just brings the wrong attention…but we wont go into that too much in this blog. Man looks at outer appearances, but God will look at your HEART. again, its WHO YOU ARE that determines your worth.

 
A sister from Bethel church shared the past weekend, and another thing resounded with me. “God asked, “But don’t you care about what I think? Don’t you care about my words for you?”” Do we tune out God’s love for us and look more to the world for acceptance?

 
1 Peter 3:3-4 “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”

 
…aight. so let me be clear. I’m not saying you have to go au naturale and not care about your appearance because its all supposed to be ‘internal beauty’….no. just saying, it should not be the ROOT of where your beauty comes from! have substance…ladies:)

 

 

As for the worry of money and that we need more and more and more and more…chiiilll. God’s got this! Hebrews 13:5 tells us, “Keep your loves free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” “ Personally right now…I’m not earning anything. My status as someone who has cash moneys is gone [rofl]…but I’ve had the most joy in my life than I have ever, ever had, right now. Trust in God and don’t look to the world to find your worth.

 

 

We all are made differently for different purposes – y’all don’t need to compare yourself to someone who isn’t YOU. Especially in the body of Christ, we are all called to do different things, ESPECIALLY in our seeming weakness.

 
1 Corinthians 18-20 “But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If there were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.”

 
1 Corinthians 12:22-23 “On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts we think are less honorable we treat with special honor…”

 
Ephesians 4:15-16 “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.”

 

 

God can, and WILL use you if you are willing – you ARE worthy! [2 Corinthians 4:7-10 “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.”]

 
In the end, we are ALL THE SAME. noone is better than you; noone is worse. we all just have different roles in this world. so you have the same worth in God’s eyes as anyone else [and that is…everyone be exalted together WHOO]! So let us try to love each other rather than looking at everyone through green tinted glasses.

 
Galatians 3:26-29 “You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourself with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.”

 
Galatians 5:13-15 “You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.”

 

 

Again…we are made NEW in Christ. don’t worry about what the old you thought about your worth in this world. it’s irrelevant. and there’s something greater.

 
Ephesians 4:22-24 “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

 

 

So to sum up my massive blah blah blah [wow this turned out to be longer than expected] – YOU ARE WORTHY. Trust and rest in God, and know that through Christ we will ALWAYS be loved and worthy, no matter how much you think you messed up your life.

 
Love others; don’t compare yourself to others who are not you, and don’t have the same purpose as you. God sees your beauty [man I struggle on this one] and will have a specific plan for YOU. we are NOT perfect, noone is – but doesn’t mean your flaws cannot be loved. so don’t try and struggle to prove your worth by trying to be something else when this love for you comes freely to you.

 
and as a side note…you have struggles – but don’t worry, so does everyone else [yes, yes…THEY DO.] who knows…someone else could be looking up to you, thinking they want what you have…=]

 

 
be blessed,

 

 

beckii xo

 

 

p.s I’m still working on this belief myself….weee cmonnnnn I need to break this!

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