Personal Musings

BECOMING.

Looks like I’m back again, back to the topic of identity and self-worth. This post is going to be a bit rambly and personal – I still can’t get my thoughts to align clearly in my head.

“I’m not good enough.” “Why would he (she) be interested in me?” “He (She)’s probably just being nice.” “I have to be like THIS for him (her) to like me.” “I’m nothing compared to those other girls (guys), no one will ever want me.” “I’m not pretty enough.” “I’m too fat.” “Single…forever?…”

Sound familiar? Sure does to me. All those thoughts plus more, cycling through my head in the past 26 years of life (well…maybe less. Don’t really think I would’ve been thinking about this when I was 5 years old…ahahaha), wondering why I am the way I am, wondering what it was (or is…I’m still riding solo haha) that day after day, year after year – as I see the people around me enter and leave relationships, get married, start planning their life with someone – that nothing changes for me.

My conclusion would always be that the problem was (or is…), ME. Or…is it?

Well…it kind of is, haha.

As I get older (thank God) my vision is starting to clear about the concept of a relationship in relation to my life; and realise that its not so much about trying to change yourself to become what someone else wants you to be (or what you THINK they want you to be) and attract someone with qualities that ultimately you are not (and how you catch em is how you keep em, honey)…but rather face your own fears, discover who God made YOU to be, and embrace who you are honestly.

After all, whatever shape or size you come in – CONFIDENCE is the key. IDENTITY is the key. For if we base or foundation of worth on what the world says we are – won’t it keep changing, and the bar for ‘perfection’ keep rising? We are all made differently, and no matter what, in this world there will be someone (physically) better looking than you, smarter than you, thinner than you, fitter than you……yeah, you get the drift. If we keep comparing, then we will NEVER be content in ourselves.

Obvious but! – knowing who you are, and being comfortable with it, regardless what other people say – is PARAMOUNT. Knowing how to GIVE love, but also how to RECEIVE love (and believe yourself worthy of it), is paramount. Not saying this should lead to complacency about changing and improving yourself, but rather knowing that God loves you, has a purpose for your life, and that you have your OWN path to follow – different to someone else’s.

God blew my mind a few years ago – and I KNEW that I had to change. But how? After 23 years of doing the same thing, forming (bad) habits…how do I essentially learn how to become a completely new person? To stop being so self-pitying, to stop being consumed by my own thoughts and self-condemnation because it is so much easier to put yourself down than raise yourself up, to stop comparing myself to others, to stop being AFRAID….afraid of everything I didn’t know, afraid to be proud of myself and what I have accomplished, afraid to be who I wanted to be.

So many lies, so many things impressed into my head as truth, as how my life should be, as how I should be…the time is NOW to rise up and BECOME who God made you to be. I had to (and have to – continually) remember that my identity, that WHO I AM has nothing to do with what I look like (or what I *think* I look like – its a daily struggle to not put myself down/be okay with myself and not think I look ugly and chubby all the time), its nothing to do with the job that I have (or don’t have – I tell you this, coming from a high paying job, quitting it to come live off my savings with no income in a foreign country on almost missionary status – definitely doesn’t sit well with people who don’t know my heart), its nothing to do with what the world says I am – but rather that it is knowing who I am in Christ, who He says I am, that I CAN be worthy because I am a child in His kingdom.

 

So what is the first step? I suppose…identifying the issues, and going from there. Hence the title…BECOMING something more. Going to try and be really transparent, because lets face it – I am done with trying to hide everything for fear of judgement. Enough! *flips table*

 

BECOMING…comfortable in my skin as a woman. I think one of the hardest things for me to be able to be comfortable with was seeing myself as a woman. Not as a girl, but a WOMAN. As a female! Coming from an overprotective family environment where I was not allowed to be responsible for anything because I “couldn’t do it”, where my opinion and choices were always rejected and not validated and hence could not make my own decisions on anything, where I was constantly told that I would be molested/taken advantage of by all men if I were in close proximity to any of them (note: this DOES hold value in society today as a valid point; however being wary should not stem from a place of fear) – I inadvertently pulled up barriers to everyone, and embraced being a tomboy – with no real mindset of my own.

I still can’t really look at myself without feeling uncomfortable.

If I’m just “one of the boys” then I’m safe right? If I just stay out of human contact (again, another easy thing as an introvert) then I won’t have to make decisions and talk to people, right? If I don’t try new things then I can’t make mistakes, right? If I become a doormat and do exactly as you say, then I can avoid conflict, right?

There was a time where I wouldn’t even wear a tshirt – my exposed arms were enough to make fear rise in my heart; so I would always wear super baggy sweaters and pants, even in summer. I would rather suffer (in various areas of my life) than to draw attention to myself in any way…which of course led to bad consequences at times…

Now being over mid-20s now; I can’t be a little frightened girl anymore. I have to admit to myself that yes – I need to embrace myself and NOT dress and act like a boy as a protective mechanism (albeit my personal style is kind of hip-hop/tomboyish….err thats not the point, haha) and that its ok to dress feminine. That yes – being single is really starting to suck and I need to learn to address my fear of the opposite sex and how they see me. That yes – I need to learn how to LOVE myself, take control of my emotions and rebuke all my negative thoughts about who I am and what I look like.

I’m not like you. Nor will I ever look like you. But Beckii…thats okay.

To learn to look at myself through His eyes, rather than my own.

Jeremiah 31:3 “Long ago the Lord said to Israel: “I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.”

 

 

BECOMING…courageous in what God has called me to do, and who I am through it. Fear is another huge stronghold over my life – somewhat less in recent years, but something that since childhood has been very hard to break (I sound like a mess dont I…haha so many issues=P) – fear in social situations, fear in making mistakes and hence being indecisive, fear in speaking my mind lest I be judged for it, fear of the opposite sex, fear of the unknown….EVERYTHING!

Coming to Korea gave me the opportunity to FORCE myself to face a lot of these fears (when you have no choice…just gotta do it) – forced myself to go to church/other large social outings (I really hate these) else I would be friend-less and alone in a foreign country. Forced myself to speak up in another language, or I would be stranded in a foreign country. Forced myself to step out of the box I so carefully enclosed myself in to experience a world, experience things I never thought existed, to meet people I never thought existed/I never thought I would meet, to DO things I never thought possible!

Now finally being somewhat towards the direction of what I’ve dreamed of, to finally do things that make sense to me and that can help other people, to be in a position of responsibility – yet being hit in the face with uncertainty and hard trials – being courageous involves TRUSTING God. ACTUALLY trusting Him, not saying/acting like I do, but really having disbelief at the back of my head. Trusting that He will pull me through this all even though I walk blindly – because He is sovereign and there is a purpose. There is ALWAYS a purpose, even if we can’t rationalise it for ourselves.

Romans 5:1-5 “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Romans 8:31-39 “What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Deuteronomy 31:6 “So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”

 

 

BECOMING…less, and He becoming greater in me. This season of my life I need to learn what it really means to seek Him and His face – and not just SAY I do. To prioritise the right things, to really focus on Him. Greater intimacy and time spent = gaining clarity and discernment, learning peace and trust, knowing His voice, knowing when I need to humble myself and release my tight grip on things in my life. There is just too much going on for me to try and control anymore…

Psalm 27:14 “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

Matthew 6:33 “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

Psalm 37:4-6 “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.Commit your way to the Lord;trust in him and he will do this: he will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.”

 

Time to LET GO. And…LEGGO!:)

 

Be blessed.

 

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

LOVE IS NOT SELF SEEKING/IN YOU I TRUST

Valentines Day is around the corner, and just like every other year – this is but another day to me. SIGH 😡 …just kidding. Haha.

 

But like the chronically single friend that I’ve always been over the years to my friends – witnessing crushes blossom into relationships (and…not), breakups, engagements, marriages, and everything in between – you do learn quite a lot from the powers of observation, sitting on the sidelines…

 

So now for the first time ever in my 10+ years of being a serial blogger, I get the guts to blog on…love.

 

Encountering God in recent years definitely changed my perspective on love in a huge way – prior to my life now, I was wondering around in a cloud of confusion – I don’t think I even knew what love WAS back then, in any form, platonic, romantic or otherwise.

 

I sought companionship in the wrong places to squash my loneliness, craved attention to boost (or I suppose, CREATE) some semblance of self worth to make me feel like I could be wanted – an unhealthy combo when paired with social fear and introversion, lead me to feel increasingly worse about myself, rather than better.

 

Now I look back – and know that my identity and worth doesn’t need to lie in whether I am single or not – but rather in God’s promise for my life – and more importantly, understanding that we need to learn to love OURSELVES before we can learn to love others. How can we know how to respect and recognise the needs of someone we are supposed to love – if we don’t know how to love and respect ourselve? How can we GIVE love if we don’t know how to RECIEVE love?

 

By chasing attention in the wrong places and ignoring my own needs as a (broken) person (the biggest lie we all tell ourselves – “I’m fine, I’m FINE”) – I ultimately ended up hating myself and became more and more inwardly focused… as I couldn’t see the world past my own problems. So it was not surprising (well…at least to the older me, looking back now HAHA) that I came up fruitless everytime when it came to deep, meaningful relationships with people – or, even if I thought I had any, I was stripped from any semblance of self love. I often tried to give to much, to the point of feelig like an empty shell…dissatisfied and unhappy once again, from feeling like people only wanted me when I was of use to them.

 

If you can’t respect yourself, no one else will.

 

So LOVE YOURSELF. Learn to appreciate who you are and can be, and who God intended you to be! I can guarantee to you who is reading this – you have the potential to do things greater than you can EVER imagine, if only you BELIEVE in yourself! And the power of God as He works through you:)) A life without hope will only pull you back into the darkness where you came from.

 

Well..that was a huge tangent. I am a completely different person to who I was one year ago – and am finally in a position where I know how to love people better, now that I have a better respect for who I am. It’s always a work in progress, but at least I am moving in the right direction:)

 

So then this begs the question – I know who I am now, so HOW do I love? What does it mean to love someone?

 

1 Corinthians 13 plays over and over in my head – specifically, “Love is not self seeking.”

 

1 Corinthians 13:1-7

“And now I will show you the most excellent way. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

 

Love is patient, love is kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

 

True love for someone is SACRIFICIAL – it is about doing things which are for their benefit, putting their needs above your own. In essence, loving someone is doing something because you know it will make THEM happy, not you. Striving to be OUTWARDLY, not inwardly focused in love.

 

Love is never “IF you love ME”, but “BECAUSE I love YOU” – it is NEVER conditional, but unrelenting and honest, even (or rather..ESPECIALLY) in the hard times…kind of like…GRACE! Hehe.

 

A good example I felt of this is shown in the PC4M’s marriage counseling video of spoken word poets’ Preston and Jackie in the lead up to their wedding – of which their pastor Brian asks Preston, “What if (Jackie) stabs you in the middle of the night?” (hehe) to which he replied, “MAN….I would pray God gives me the grace to forgive her…and we can move on.”

 

Respect. Much respect:)

 

 

If loving people was easy – it wouldn’t be a COMMAND from God, hey?;) Especially unconditionally, becomes all the more difficult when you enter into a relationship!

 

So as I enter the season…alright I lie. Not ENTER…keep moving through the season of which I’m of the age where my mother is asking me the question of “HUSBAND! MALE SPECIES!? WHERE!?!?” instead of “NO BOYS ALLOWED!!” (ahahahaha…Asian parents, the IRONY), I’m learning more and more what it means to trust in God and trust in His perfect timing. And to have peace with it.

Trust me…I would have never have said this a few years ago. Even less would I have had that trust to believe in what I just typed. I would most likely have wallowed in my self-pity and loneliness and misery and bitterness of being the only single person for years and years in my circle of friends…shaking my fist at the sky and asking WHY!? …haha you get the point.

 

But I have learnt so, SO much in the past year from experience…that I should never ignore God’s voice and trust in Him to provide everything in the right season, and the right time – because He wants the best for us! and that He can see SO much further than me, wandering around in my current fog of so-what-the-heck-am-I-doing-again?

 

God can change our lives in an INSTANT, open doors that you would NEVER think possible…and I pray for that. So trust. Wait. And BELIEVE:))

 

Blessings,

Beckii.

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