Reblogs

SPOT ON.

A bit of a filler post until I get time to write up the next one (currently got a few swirling in my head); but I came across this post on Debra Fileta’s True Love Dates’ website and thought it hit the nail on the head – more times than not, people are not turned off by Christianity in itself, but rather the only real representation of Christ on earth – the Christian.

The lukewarm, hypocritical Christian at that. Who was the reason why the baby Christian Beckii never wanted to open up, and the reason a lot of my friends don’t see the need for Jesus – because the representative looks just like the world. Enjoy~

“The best argument for Christianity is Christians: their joy, their certainty, their completeness. But the strongest argument against Christianity is also Christians–when they are sombre and joyless, when they are self-righteous and smug in complacent consecration, when they are narrow and repressive, then Christianity dies a thousand deaths.” — Sheldon Vanauken

Dear Christian,

I have to be honest, I have mixed feelings about you.  A love/hate relationship if you will.  It’s like looking at two sides of a coin, trying to figure out which one is really you.  Part of me wants what you have so badly– faith, purpose, meaning — but the other side of me is too scared to jump in.

There are days that you draw me in.  I look at you and see the most loving eyes, the most gentle hands, the most open heart.  I watch as you take care of your community, as you reach out to the poor and the needy, as you mend the hearts of the broken.  There is something so meaningful and purposeful behind the way you live your life.

I am overcome by your ability to reach into my loneliness.  Reminding me that I’m not all by myself.  That someone really does care for and love me.  Somehow you always seem to know just what I need–it’s as though you had a direct line to God, or something.

I am challenged by the way you give up your time, your money, and your self for others.  I’m drawn to the fact that you are so humble, yet so confident.  You’re honest about the fact that you don’t always have it together- but that you’re working on it.  I love that genuineness…it pushes me to be real with myself as well.  It makes me want to open up.

There is something about your smile that seems real to me.  Even during really hard times.  It makes me wonder where you get such joy.  How you have such strength.  It makes me long for what you have.

Sometimes I look at your faith, and the way you hold on with all of your heart…and wish I had something to give my all to.

But then I get stuck.  I get stuck because I see the other side to your who you are, and I find myself confused.  Because some days you encourage me, but other days you disappoint me.

Other days, it’s as though something has come over you.  You aren’t acting like yourself.  I begin to wonder which side is really you. You are filled with pride and arrogance, acting like you really know it all and have it all together.  It makes me scared to come to you with my problems…because I’m afraid you’ll just judge me.

It  confuses me to watch you so caught up in the things I get caught up in- money, lust, fame and fortune.  It’s as though the American Dream has got you on a leash.  I thought you talked about bigger things?  I thought you said this world wasn’t your home?

Then why do you seem so comfortable here?  Why does your stuff matter so much?

If you can’t be free of it, than maybe I can’t either.

Even if I look past all that, the hardest thing for me is that you seem to have an opinion about everything.  What I should wear, where I should go, who I should be friends with, what I should eat and drink, how I should vote, what I should believe.  You talk about this great God of love- yet I feel constantly judged by you, not loved.  I feel as though I am under a magnifying glass and you’re picking me apart, never satisfied with who I am.

I want to get closer to you…to try and understand you…but your holier-than-thou attitude reminds me that I can’t get too close.  Maybe I’m not good enough for you.  Which makes me wonder if maybe I’m not good enough for God.  Maybe I’ll never be.

Either way, I’m going to keep watching–waiting to see the real you.  There’s a part of me that wants what you have–but a part of me that’s still confused.  But I’ll be here.  Waiting for you to show me who you really are.  Until then, don’t be surprised if I keep my distance.  I want to get closer, but I have to keep myself safe.   I guess I’m still trying to figure it all out.

And I guess maybe, you are too.  I hope you figure this out soon.  I hope you find yourself. I hope you decide who you really want to be and stick to it.

When you do, come find me. I’ll be waiting. 

Cautiously watching,

The World.

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Personal Musings

OPERATING FROM A POSITION OF FEAR

Long time no see, blog.

 

God’s really been teaching me a lot about fear lately in the last few months. And for me, its definitely been a new, and MORE than challenging experience for me to deal with, being the control freak that I am.

 

If you know me [which you may or may not…hello internetz] – I like making sure my life is organised and planned, especially as far into the future as I can make it. Because as we all know, the unknown is….scary. So dropping everything back in Australia last year to come to Korea to seek God and seek life was of course, somewhat out of character for me…

 

In many ways, I created my self inflicted, hectic lifestyle in the past as a way of distracting myself from reality and my fears of…well…everything – by making myself as busy as possible – but during the course of this year, been challenged more and more to step out of my comfort zone, to be placed into situations of which I have NO control whatsoever – God is teaching me to learn to let go.

 

And so here I am, at another transition point in my life – and its all or nothing. Go backwards to the way I was, or face my fears and LEARN. Learn to let go and LET GOD.

 

Times like this remind me that FEAR is not of God. For God IS love; and if we understand love to the greatest extent, then fear ceases to exist….

 

1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

 

And even reminding myself of this verse and to embrace love, remember love and slap myself and my fears in the face…well, it aint easy. Not at all. Learning to focus on the positive and LET GO of the negative is so important, yet I fail to do this almost on the daily. By His strength, not mine!

 

God has great plans for you! As He does for me. We were created for something GREATER than anything we ever thought possible; but that involves trusting Him to guide us in the right way and knowing that HIS plans will always be greater than ours. For He can see what we cannot; we are children of God, and He is MINDFUL of us, no matter how much tunnel vision we have at a given time.

 

Matthew 10:29-31 “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of our Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So dont’ be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

 

[to reiterate….he cares for creatures as small as sparrows. YOU IS NOT A BIRD. You’re more than that!]

 

So as stressful as it is, I’m almost glad [in some weird, sick, twisted way…hahahahhaah] that I’m getting this ‘new’ experience – as a chance for me to be forced to face my fears and worries and DEAL with them, more than I ever have before.

If we remember that God is with us, then why should we fear? Don’t our fears then become somewhat irrational, if we believe in God’s unconditional love, grace and PROMISE over us?

 

Hebrews 13:5b “..because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” “

 

Over the last few years since I became Christian, God pulled all the memories and fears up out of the locked box I kept hidden away in the recesses of my mind, up to the surface so I could face them [as much as I didn’t want to] – thinking over these worries and fears – how much freer would I be if I didn’t let all these little things plague my mind and blow themselves out of proportion?

 

My worries of money and logistical issues living in another country, my worries of being single forever/not finding THAT person for me, my worries of simply making mistakes and saying the wrong things, my worries of never being good enough…on closer inspection, what is the point of such worry? It’s USELESS. And makes mountains out of smaller things that perhaps, are not as stressful as we [I!] perceive them to be…

 

Worry is wasteful.

 

Matthew 6:26-27Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?”

 

Matthew 6:31-34 “ So do not worry, saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,a and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

 

 

We are called to FREEDOM in Christ! Put your worries at the cross, give it to Jesus because its his burden and not yours to take. Fear and doubt and worry is NOT of God – so as hard as it is [and as I myself try to let go and receive this and not freak out!], do NOT let this consume your life. God’s GOT this. All we gotta do is…BELIEVE:)

 

blessings,

 

Beckii.

 

 

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