Personal Musings

END OF YEAR MUSINGS 2015

monkeybear new years 2015

 

(Shameless plug: New Year drawing by ME featuring my favourite furry friends. For more art/design of mine, please go to www.facebook.com/beckiiness)

 

So it comes round to that time of year again, and I wish that I had more time to blog more frequently. Looking at how few blog posts I managed to write this year ( I think it was 4…4!?) reminds me that yes, God IS and was doing a crazy amount of things in my life this year (as always) so I didn’t even have time to sit down and clear my thoughts to write. But sometimes I wish I had another me so that I could share every lightbulb moment God placed on my heart in REAL TIME, right? haha…

 

Anyway, as I write every year, and as I have experienced every year – beyond anything I could have ever imagined, every year has been vastly different from the previous, and progressively more crazy. I am now writing this from Thailand, for one.
But looking back, I can clearly see how God has guided me, moulded me, and opened doors to prepare me for where He wanted me to go (even though it has always felt in the present – and still does – that I am walking blind in a fog), for who he wanted me to be, and ultimately as His desires become mine – the opportunity to do many things that I’ve always wanted to do, but never thought possible.

 

God is good in every season, and I am thankful:) So as I reflect…

 

2009: Started attending church after feeling touched by a youth service I attended once off with friends in Hong Kong. Got baptised soon after my first real encounter with God through a dream; but I kept barriers up and my mask on, and things got worse – lost my drivers license through an (unintentional) drink driving incident falling asleep at the wheel, realised in horror that I didn’t want to be an optometrist with 6 months until graduation (I have wanted to be an artist ever since I was little), battling several things at once left me severely mentally unbalanced towards the end of year (I told no one and remained as much as I could by myself at home), so much so I nearly failed university.

 

2010: Struggling working in Australia as an optometrist for long hours with a manipulative boss, hating my life and job, battling severe clinical depression and suicidal thoughts (note: daily thoughts I have had year in and year out since I was around 10 years old) amidst family dysfunction and refusing to meet or see any friends the entire year as a result from the depression and mental imbalance, barely sleeping and spending my free (note: hours I should have been sleeping) hours desperately practising drawing in a bid to develop another skill and as desperate self therapy to mentally stay put together…living on too much caffeine and painkillers to combat the constant headaches…praying desperately that God would pull me through…

 

2011: Started seeing a psychologist as a desperate attempt to stop the neverending persistent thoughts of wanting to kill myself and regular panic attacks, and to avoid the use of prescriptive medication (for fear of someone finding out about my depression/mental state), ended up sharing for the first time in my life about my depression in my small group at church, and received physical healing from the depressive effects – something I had daily for the past 1.5years (if you have depression, you will understand the physical side effects that come with it).
Internally renewing but the outer factors remained unchanged, so my mind started to slip backwards again.

 

2012: I ‘bought’ myself some time to think and moved to Korea during summer for 3 months to pray about where God wanted me to go, but distractions and wrong company made me fall away from church and I almost gave up believing. Answerless, I returned back to Australia for a few months, but then decided to ( for the meanwhile) go back to Korea at the end of the year to pursue God SERIOUSLY ( I challenged myself, “Just how hard can I run after God?”) desperately seeking to find more and to find purpose to combat the returning negative thoughts and lack of life meaning.

 

2013: My first full year living in Korea I saturated myself – double service every Sunday at two churches for 6 months; self- Bible reading/study every day, women’s ministry, church retreats, prayer meetings, conferences, discipleship, small group/Bible study groups, EVERYTHING and anything I could get my hands on. And then my eyes began to be opened…I received the gift of tongues, truly developed a REAL, strong understanding and relationship with Christ (prior to Korea I thought I knew but really had no idea what I believed in), still made a lot of mistakes falling on my face which made me TRULY understand His grace.
I once again, started training (perhaps too much) in taekwondo, but at the same time also started to become recognised for my art (after all the many sleepless nights and hours of practise I put in) and became involved in a North Korea related business as well as design at church, but wondered if hiphop could ever become something more in my life…something that I have always loved.

 

2014: My second year led me somehow to a good bboy friend of mine Dyzee (and I mention him everywhere haha), and my whole life started leaning towards hiphop as we became buddies in hiphop ministry, ended up leading hiphop bible studies for a few months with him and another friend, organising Christian hiphop jams with Dyzee a few times as Krosswerdz Korea, started getting involved in designing hiphop Christian apparel with this said friend and other friends separately in other churches, and started leading small groups and discipleship at church (who…ME? 0__o) as a leader.
That summer, I met the Korean electro hiphop missionary team Hispop, and I began to see how hiphop could be used as a tool for Christ…

 

2015: This year I finally started to understand my identity and who I am in Christ (that I have value as a person…I have value?!), I learnt how to wake up even more to His presence, and it led me to Thailand several times to serve with Hispop for different ministries short time. For the first time, I was able to go back to Australia with less fear in my heart, and my mother began to go to church. Hallelujah!
I ended up helping my friend out with R16, the biggest hiphop/bboy championships in Korea (working for Cartel Creative as staff – an event I would have previously flown out from Australia for, an event that I paid for tickets to watch in 2012, 2013 before I even met Dyzee! Who would have guessed back then…)…and now here I am in Thailand, delving into full time mission work as I made the decision to join as a missionary with the Hispop team.

 

5 years ago if you told me I would be where I am now, as someone with the drive and determination to spread the Gospel, as someone (mostly) free of depression and suicidal thoughts which plagued me DAILY year in and year out, as someone to live in a fully Korean speaking environment in Thailand (and translate things from Korean to English – I can’t believe I can converse in another language semi proficiently), as someone in a leadership role (or was) when I refused to even speak in public or stand on stage, as someone recognised for my art and design skills as someone who is actually an optometrist by training…even thought life is still SO hard, and I’m still struggling so much in this fog…I look back as this year comes to an end and I thank you, God. I thank You for everything you have made me into, I thank You for all the blessings, all the connections, even though I couldn’t see it at the time.

 

So as 2016 (literally) starts in a few days, I pray and hope that I will continue to grow, continue to grow closer to Him, to understand and be shown where my purpose and calling is, to finally feel like I belong somewhere, and for more breakthrough. I ask every year for breakthrough and it doesn’t really come, but I’ll keep asking…please Lord? hahaha.

 

I pray that in 2016:

 

  1. I’ll be on the path to somehow get married…please? hahaha. And that all my dearest single sisters and brothers get married too (shout outs especially to my church fam in Korea)~! haha.
  2. That I’ll be fluent in Korean, quickly pick up Thai and hopefully improve my Mandarin and Cantonese FAST (fail Chinese person)…and then move onto other languages?! YAS?
  3. That God will use me in ways beyond my imagination to reach people world wide, and give me stability and concrete understand in WHAT this life is for, that I will have no doubt in my calling.
  4. BREAKTHROUGH. PREASE. THANKYOU^^

 

And I pray that for you, you who is reading this – you too, whether you believe or not – that His love, the love of Christ will transform your life, CAN transform your life into something beyond anything you can imagine.

 

2016…lets go.

 

Be blessed,

 

Beckii.
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Personal Musings

GOODBYE 2013, HELLO 2014.

monkeybear new years eve 2013
(shameless plug for my art page —>HERE, hehe^^)





As I sit and write this, I can’t believe that as 2014 rolls around I will have been here in Seoul for one year. One whole year! – well, longer than that if you count my short 2012 stint but…anyway – what an incredible year. I…don’t even know where to begin. My life has done a complete 180 degrees since stepping back into South Korea in December 2012 – reminiscing with church family at New Years Eve on what we were thankful for, what we hoped for 2013…I remember as I said goodbye to Melbourne, as I sat waiting for transit in Singapore – only I felt that impact, the anxiousness of a new season to come. Scared of what I couldn’t see. That this was IT.

I said goodbye to my life in Australia; I wasn’t sure what was going to happen – “GOD, HAVE YOUR WAY” – maybe I would sort myself in 3 months, and return back to Australia, go back to the life I knew and hated. Maybe 6 months. And maybe, maybe I wouldn’t come back. I didn’t know.

So I plugged myself into as much as I possible could; double church service every Sunday for 6 months, prayer meetings 1-2 times a week, bible studies 1-2 weeks, my own bible reading and study every day, worship nights, retreats, EVERYTHING. I asked myself, to TEST myself, how far, how hard, how MUCH can I do to know God? how HARD can I run to follow You? How much can I push myself to grow and develop, to squash all my issues and thoughts that ate away at me?

But God is faithful, and oh man has it been OVERWHELMING. The crazy things I witnessed in others’ lives and in my own, things I would have never thought would be possible to happen to me. Blessings in good things as well as the inadvertent blessings in a lot of crazy stressful things this year too – there have been a lot of ‘firsts’ for me – because its through the hardships, through the trials that we grow…not in the things that come without effort.
And yes I’ve made mistakes. OHH I’ve made many a mistake this year…. =___= But God can use EVERY situation; and His grace and blessings were THAT much apparent in my brainless moments.

So I am thankful to now know that there IS something to live for, that I DO have purpose for this life, for the amazing people of all walks of life that I have met – and that I owe it all to Him for showing me that life can be beautiful, among the mess – and all the things I didn’t ask for (and a lot of the ones that I did! the rest…Lord I’m learning to be patient, hahahaha >___<) to have pretty much fallen in my lap this year. Blessed!!

As I look back now – who I am now is miles from the old me; the old me who didn’t know if she was throwing up empty prayers to the sky; the old me who was jaded by the lukewarm church; the old me who cried out for life with meaning and love and appreciation. So thank you, THANK YOU for showing me that life CAN be so much more, when I thought it to be impossible.

Everything is still a work in progress right now, and things are still very much in the grey zone – but even in limbo i have HOPE for 2014; hope for even BIGGER breakthroughs! in relationship, in business, in personal growth, spiritual growth, in church ministry – I believe we are capable of MORE^__^ there is beauty in the breakdown; joy in seeing something amazing rise from nothing (haha. first and foremost, I saw that change in myself, so its possible).

I also truly believe God is working in the urban community here and around the world – so I am beyond excited to pray and see where that will go! I LOVE HIPHOP~!! as if that wasn’t obvious before…hehehe.

So in 2014, I hope and pray that I will learn to TRUST in Him better. That God shows me how to love others better, more freely, more selflessly. That God will show me how to RECEIVE love better. That God will raise up the urban community for His glory here in Korea and globally, and that we can be true light and salt in the darkness. That we become disciples of Christ, not just ‘Sunday Christians’ wanting to save our own asses and to glorify ourselves.

Promised to myself that I would be as transparent as possible from the beginning to be accountable for myself, and a true testament of God’s grace to others – so as the new year comes around, I hope I can continue to do the same…and break stereotypes. Enough with hypocritical Christians…aint nobody got time for that!

My non-exhaustive ‘resolutions’ list for 2014 would be:

  1. work my butt off design wise and improve for business/church/freelance – but learn when to say ‘NO’
  2. get back to improving my Korean again. And time willing…Chinese =__=
  3. grow in Christ – learn to love/receive love better:)
  4. travel to Taiwan/Thailand/somewhere!!
  5. heal from injuries and somehow get fit again…

So HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all! Hope that 2014 is filled with blessings and wondrous things for everyone:)


Be blessed!

Beckii xo

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