Personal Musings

PUSH THROUGH: END OF YEAR MUSINGS 2018 (한국말)

I realise that in past 2 years, I’ve started this post off exactly the same as what I was just about to write – “So it’s that time of year again….” I guess I really am a creature of habit, ahaha. But yes, it is indeed that time of year again where I sit down and organise my thoughts and look back on what happened this year.

제가 쓸려고 했던 인트로는 지난 2년의 썼던 내용들과 정말 똑같네요. “한해의 끝자락이 다시 왔네요..”제 습관 인가봐요ㅎㅎ 그래도 앉아서 저의 많은 생각들을 정리하면서 올해의 발생한일을 돌아봐야할때가 또 다시 왔죠.

Truthfully, 2018 went by incredibly quickly. I’m still not in a place where I’m able to clearly sort out my thoughts and process everything, but I’m going to try for the sake of looking back on this in coming years and having assurance that there is a reason for everything.

사실, 2018년이 너무 빨리 지나갔어요.일어난 모든 일에 대해 너무 명확히 생각하고 잘 정리할수 없지만, 앞으로 몇년간 후에 다시 뒤돌아볼때 모든것에는 이유가 있다는 확신을 느낄수 있도록 노력하겠어요.

If I look at everything I accomplished this year from a ‘worldly’ point of view, I’m not sure what I have to show, haha. Nothing? I am not sure, to be honest. If last year was one of learning to rest in God and finding my worth NOT according to how much I earn, what my social status is or what job I hold….but rather seeing myself through His eyes, not my own – then this year was one step further – to hold on to that worth and learn to trust God in a season where even more was stripped away, and I needed to find my own faith without the reliance on the friends around me, a church, or anything else.

올 한해의 성취던것을’세상적인’관점으로 보면 제가 보여드릴수 있는것을 뭔지 모르겠어요, ㅎㅎㅎ.아무것도 없나?잘 모르겠다는 사실이에요.

작년에 돈을 얼마나 벌든 사회적 지위가 어떻게 되든 직업이 가지고 있든지 이런것에 상관없이 저의 가치라는것을 자기의 눈 아니라…하나님 시선으로 이해하며 하나님 안에 거하라는것을 배운해이었다면 올해는 다음 단계인것 같아요. 이 가치라는것을 붙잡고 더~~ 많은 것을 빼앗길 시즌가운데 친구, 교회,다른것 없이 저의 개인적인 신앙을 찾아야겠다는것.

After MONTHS of study and prep and high tension stress, my visa application rejected once again. No visa stability for the 7th year? Ready to throw a table.
The church I was attending and investing myself into destroyed itself a few months prior; my 3rd church break in the 5 years I’ve been in Korea (6th year overseas). Do I want to go to church anymore? Not really, but trying to push myself to.
Tired and burnt out from trauma, stress and hard circumstances – close, close friends, many of which I consider family who have been in Korea much longer than I – left in masses this year, or plan to leave next year. An exodus. Time to find new community…again. Still ‘alone’. (dammit…I’m getting old…) Should I give up and leave? I want to, haha….but that’s not the answer.

몇 달 동 너무 열심히 공부하고 준비하고 몸이 아프게 된정도로 스트레스를 받은다음에, 저의 비자신청은 거부당했어요. 7년째 비자에 대한 불안을 느껴야되나요?밥상을 뒤집고 싶은 심정이었어요.

오랫동안 마음을 다해 다녔던 교회는 먗달전에 망가졌어요 -한국에 있는5년동안(해외에 사는지6년째) 3번째 겪었던 교회가 분리된 일이었어요.더 이상 교회 가고싶은마음이 있나요?아니요, 별로 없지만….계속 나가려고 노력하고 있어요.

피곤하고 그 동안 겪었던 트라우마때문에 지치고,스트레스과 힘든상황을 많이 경험했기때문에 저보다 한국에 오래 사는 가족처럼 여기는 수많은 친한친구들이 올해 떠났어요.내년에, 다른친구들 또 떠날거고요. 완전 대탈출. 또,새로운 공동체를 찾아야겠어요.아직까지 ‘혼자서’지내요 (힝…너무 늙어지고 있음). 저도 포기하고 떠날까요? 마음 한구석에 정말 원하는데ㅎㅎㅎ정답 아니지만…

So much happened this year, yet at the same time when I look back, only one thing really sticks out in my mind, the thing that hit home the hardest – the passing of my dear friend, Keith.

올해에 수많은 일이 일어나지만 한편으로 뒤돌아보니까 정말 충격받았던일,제 기억속에 생생하게 남아있는 유일한 일은 저의 사랑하는 친구가 Keith이 돌아가신다는것.

Keith was one of the very first friends who quickly became family to my scared lil introvert ass when I came to Korea at the end of 2012. As anyone knows who has seen my 180 degree transformation over the past few years living overseas – back then my fear of people and my non existent self esteem made me seem very antisocial and nervous, and I would often cower and run away from any social interaction past a ‘hello’.

Despite this, Keith (and other friends who became family) relentlessly pursued in love – greeting me with opens arms and a big smile every Sunday at church, inviting me to hang out at his house with others, or random board game nights, movie nights and dinners – very, very frequently. Due to my insecurities and social fear I rejected these invitations more often than not, which I now deeply, deeply regret – but I was always thankful that I was thought of and cared for, even though I could not express just how grateful I was. I felt loved, and it meant SO much to me.

2012년말에 걱정이 많고 두려움으로 가득 차 있는제가 한국으로 왔었을때 Keith는 빨리 가족이 된 첫친구들중에 하나이었어요.해외에서 지난 몇년간 살아가면서 저의 완전 변신한것을 보는 친구이라면 누구나 아시다시피 그때는 심각한 낯가림과 거의 없는 자신감을 가지고 있는 제가 다른사람들에게 진짜 반사회적이고 되게 긴장한 사람처럼 보일수도 있었고, “안녕”보다 더 깊이 들어갈수 있는 사회적 상호작용을 피하고 도망하곤 했어요.

그럼에도 불구하고 Keith(과 다른 가족이 될친구들)는 하나님의 사랑으로 끊임없이 저한테 다가왔어요.주일마다 교회에서 Keith는 함박웃음을 지으면서 저를 너무 반갑게 아주셨고,다른 친구들과 그의집에 초대하셨고,같이 게임을 하거나 영화를 보거나 밥을 자고 자꾸 불러주셨어요. 지금 많이~~~후회하지만 저의 불안과 대인 기피증때분에 이런 초대를 자주 거부하게 되었어요. 얼마나 감사하는지 잘 표현할수 없었지만 누구든 저를 생각해주고 챙겨주셨으면 너무 감사해요. 사랑을 잘 느꼈고, 저에게 큰 의미가 있었고요.

I may not have shown it well, but who I am today, is the fruit of the love I received then.

티가 안났었지만,그때 받았던 사랑때문에 오늘의 나란사람의 열매를 맺게 되었어요.

When I became part of leadership at the church we all attended back then, Keith and the rest of us on leadership went through many, many hardships together – it was in these moments that (as foreigners in a country not our own) we all became closer – holding our own prayer meetings and praying for the nation and our circumstances, praying FOR each other – and it was then that not only did our own individual relationships with God strengthen, but I then really felt like we were family, holding hands and standing together in the midst of our storms.

그때 다니고 있었던 교회의 리더십팀에 들어갔었을때 저랑 Keith이랑 우리 리더끼리는 많은 시련을 같이 겪었는데 이런 힘든시간들가운데 다른 나라에 사는 외국인들로써 우리 많이 친해졌어요. 기도모임을 따로 하며 이땅과 우리의 현재 사황을위해 기도했고,서로를위해 기도해줬고요.우리가 하나님과의 개인적인 관계들이 튼튼해지는것을 볼수 있을뿐만 아니라 그제서야 정말 가족이라고 느꼈어요 – 우리의 폭풍이 한창일 때에 손을 잡고 같이 버티고 있다는것.

Although older than a lot of us, Keith had the aura of a playful little brother – a cheeky smile plastered on his face, always cracking jokes and always, always playing video games (although I have never seen ANYONE make gaming into a source of revenue like he somehow was able to, haha). Amongst us he was the ‘princess’, who although having been in Korea for many years could not string together anything too much more than “Annyeonghaseyo” and “(insert food item here) juseyo” in a heavy American accent, who often woke up late and rocked up late to leadership meetings.

우리 대부분보다 나이 좀 더 많지만 Keith는 깜찍한 남동생처럼 여길수 있었어요.천진한 미소를 지으면서 늘 장난을 치고 늘 비디오 게임을 열심히 하고 있는 그런사람이었어요(그리고 다른사람들과 달리 게임하는것에서 그렇게 엄청난 수익을 얻는것을 처음 봤어요~!ㅋㅋ).우리 친구들중에 Keith는 ‘공주’이라는호칭이 있었고 한국에서 수년간 살고 있어도 서투른 발음으로 “안녕하세요”과 “(어떤 음식을 추가요) 주세요” 밖에 얘기할수 없으며 늦게 일어나서 리더십 회의에 자꾸 지각한 그런 친구이었어요.

But in April 2017 when Keith got diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma, his particular type being the rarest form of cancer in the world (less than 300 cases worldwise), he showed us all a strength and faith, greater than ANYONE could imagine. I mentioned this already on my Instagram post when he passed away, but in his sickness and facing his own death, Keith showed a maturity far beyond what any of us could have possibly possessed.

그러나 2017년4월에 평활근육종 진단을 받았을때 (세상에서 이 암이 300명 이하 발생해서 이런 병은 가장 희귀한 암이라고 알게되었어요) Keith는 우리 모두 예상한것 이상 너무 특별한 힘과 신앙을 보여주셨어요. 그가 돌아가셨을때 저의 인스타그램에서 이미 얘기했지만,암과 투병하고 자기의 죽음에 직면하면서 Keith는 일반사람들이 가질수 있는보다 훨씬 더 큰 성숙함을 보여주셨어요.

Keith never stopped praising God, never stopped declaring his love for Jesus, never wavered in his confidence that Jesus was his Lord and Saviour and that He would take Keith home, even if it mean his time here was ending soon. Keith did not stop to encourage others and praise others from his hospital bed, nor forgo the Gospel – but instead was even more insistent to others on living a life FOR Christ – coming from someone who was facing his own death. 
Even in his own pain and as his body became weaker and weaker, Keith thought of others above himself.
 He discipled a brother in Christ up until 2 weeks before his own death, and until he became physically too weak to speak – he boldly prayed for others to come to Christ. As a dying man, Keith knew that I have terrible back pain…yet kept thinking of how he could help me get a proper mattress…when my issue is incomparable to what his was….T_T

Keith는 계속해서 하나님을 경배하고 찬양했었고, 예수님을 향한 사랑을 끊임없이 선포했었고, 죽든지 살든지 예수님이 그의주와 구원자이라는것과 하나님께서 천국을 데리고 가주신다는자신감을 한번도 잃지않았어요. 병원의침대에서도 하나님의복음을 잃지않았고 끊임없이 다른사람들을 격려하고 칭찬해줬는데 심지어 주님을위한인생을 살아야된다고 더 강조했어요. 자기의 죽음에 직면하는Keith…

본인의 육체가 점점 약해지고 있고 많은아픔에도 불구하고 자신보다 다른사람들을 먼저 생각하는Keith.
 자기의 죽기 2주전까지 한 형제에게 (예수님의)제자 훈련을 시켰고, 자기가 육체적으로 말을 못할때까지 다른사람들이 예수님을 알수 있도록 열심히 기도했었어요. 죽어가는 사람으로써 Keith는 저의 심한 요통에 대해 잘 알고 있었는데 자기의 상황보다 제가 좋은 매트리스를 살수 있기를 어떻게 도와주실지 더 많이 생각한것 같았어요…저의 문제가 자기 문제과 비교가 안되는데…ㅠㅠ

Even in his sickness – Keith inspired me to run harder for Christ, and rather than me being an encouragement to him – a visit to the hospital would be a ray of sunshine into my heart, every single time. Thank you Lord, for allowing Keith into my life. Thank you, for Keith’s sunny and bright attitude…right up until the day he passed. I have never seen anyone live like Keith did, and I have NEVER seen anyone die like Keith did.

힘든 투병에도 불구하고 Keith는 저에게 예수님을 향해 달려가는 더 많은 열정을 가지게 해주었어요.

제가 Keith를 격려하러 병원에 갈 때마다 오히려 케이트가 저에게 많은 영감을 주었고 저는 마음의 빛을 안고 돌아왔어요. 하나님….감사합니다.  Keith를 제 삶에 주셔서, 친구로 만날 수 있게 해주셔서, 죽을때까지…너무 밝고 훌륭한 모습을 가진 그를 볼 수 있게 해주셔서 감사합니다. Keith만큼 인생을 살 수 있는사람을 본적이 없고, Keith만큼 인생을 마감하며 하나님 품으로 돌아가는 사람을 본 적이 없어요..

Keith went home to be with the Lord on June 12th, 2018 – one day short of his 4th wedding anniversary with his beautiful wife, and exactly one week short of his 38th birthday.

2018년6월12일에 하나님께서 Keith를 천국으로 불러주셨어요. 너무 아름다우신 와이프랑 4년째 결혼기념 하루전이고, 38번째 생일 딱 일주일전이었어요.

I think….more than me feeling hopeless in my own personal circumstances, Keith’s circumstance was the most painful to deal with – I failed to express it well – although consistently praying for him nearly every single day for the duration of his sickness, whether at home or at early morning prayer – but faced with the reality that Keith may really die shook my entire existence. Everything felt (and still does) like some twisted dream – so proud of his faith, but so full of hysteria at how the ground beneath me was breaking.

지금 생각해보니까…저의 개인사정때문에 너무 절망이라고 느끼는것보다 친한친구로써 Keith의상황을 감당하는것 더 힘들었더라고요.저는 또 다시 잘 표현 못했지만…아플때동안 집이든 새벽기도든 거의 매일 내내 Keith를위해 기도했지만 이 친구에게 정말 죽음이 다가왔다는 사실이 저한테 가장 충격적이었어요.

그때는(지금도)악몽을 꾸고 있는 것 같았어요 – Keith의 믿음이 너무 자랑스러웠지만, 저는 마음이 너무 힘들었고 세상이 흔들리는 기분이었어요.

Keith, like all of us who were close to you – I love you and miss you. Thank you for being my friend…thank you for being my family T___T It’s hard to not feel empty now, but like you – may I run harder for the prize that is eternal.

Keith,자기와 다른 친한친구들과 같이 너무 보고싶고,사랑합니다.나의 친구가 되어주셔서…너무 감사합니다. 나의 가족이 되어주셔서…너무 감사합니다ㅠㅠ 때로는 허전하고 힘들때도 있지만 , Keith처럼 내가 그 영원한 상을 향해 더 열심히 뛰기를 바래요.

So, as frightening as the fast approaching new year seems…I guess, a new season is coming. So many friends have left and gone, so many will leave next year too – and my heart gets a little bit heavier with each goodbye. Can I do this…on my own…?T_T

But I know that nothing is wasted by God, and that all of us are being led on our own journeys. I need to know what my own journey is, without someone else telling me what they think it is. And, we are forever family, even if the ones I hold dear do not live in the same country as me.

그래서 빨리 다가올 새해가 다가올수록 겁을 먹는것 같긴한데, 새로운 시즌이 다가 온다고 생각해요. 그래서 많은 친구들이 떠나가고 더 많은 친구들이 내년에 떠날것 같아요. 작별 인사를 할때마가 제 마음 점점 무거워지는거 같아요. 내가 과연 혼자서 잘 할수있을까?ㅠㅠ 하면서 말이에요.

그러나 하나님이 모든 것을 사용하시고 우리의 각자 자리에서 하나님이 우리를 인도하실거라 믿어요.그 누구가 뭐하고 하던 말이에요. 저는 소중하게 여기는사람들이 같은나라에서 살지않더라도 영원한 가족으로써 늘 연결 되어있다는부분도 기억할거고요.

Some doors have opened leading into next year which could hopefully help me visa and vision wise…but I am scared it’s going to be another trial in disguise; that I’ll open the door, God will punch me in the face and be like “SURPRISE!!! Welcome to your next round of training and hardships!” Haha…Lord, help me to believe! I have no strength left.

비자와 사명에 관해 내년으로 이어지는 도와줄 문들이 열리게 되었는데…또 다시 어떤 위장한 시련일까봐 무서워요. 그문을 열리다가 하나님이 저 얼굴을 때리고 “서프라이즈~!!다음 단계의 훈련과 고난에 오신것을 환영합니다!”ㅎㅎㅎ….주님,믿을수 있기를 도와주세요! 힘은 하나도 남지않았어요.

Trying to let go of my fear and anxiety, one day at a time. I want to declare that I believe 2019 to be great, but I don’t think I can lie haha. Rather than that, trying to focus on surrendering everything to God as best as I can with each passing day, to rediscover my faith and believe that maybe, good things will mayyybe come. Please Jesus?

하루하루 조금씩 저의 두려움과 불안을 버리려고 노력하는중이에요. 2019년이 좋은 한해일거라고 선포하고 싶지만….솔직하면 말하면 조금 두려워요. 그것보다는 가능한 한 하나님앞에 제 모든것을 나날이 내려놓을수 있도록 노력하고 있고, 저의 믿음이라는것을 재발견하며 아마…아 좋은일들이 생길수도있다고 믿고싶어요.주님?

2019’s prayers (sigh I feel more cynical with each passing year but ANYWAY, haha here goes):
2019년도 기도제목 (시간 지나면 지날수록 점점 내소적이지고 있지만ㅎㅎ아무튼)

  1. Stability (visa/finances/a dude haha)
    안정감(비자/금전적으로/배우자,ㅎㅎ)
  2. Health (stress management, decrease of chronic pain, hopefully lose weight, back into sports/exercise?)
    건강(스트레스 관리, 만성통증 줄임, 살 빼기, 운동 다시 시작할수 있도록)
  3. Relationship with God (understanding the true Gospel and living it out as a missionary)
    하나님과의 관계 (참된복음을 잘 이해하면서 선교사로써 펼쳐질수 있도록)
  4. Doors opening towards calling/purpose (you know if you know, if you don’t…nevermind^^)
    부르심/사명을 향한 문들을 열림 (무슨말 알고 있으면 이해할거고,모르면…몰라도 돼요^^)
  5. My own personal goals to develop and grow and if possible, expode into something awesome^^
    개인적인 목적들을 발전하고 성장하고 가능하다면 폭발하여 좋은것으로 될수 있도록^^
  6. My language skills to improve – Korean, but also FINALLY Mandarin/Cantonese
    저의 언어실력 늘어남 -한국어를 비롯해 중국어과 광둥어
  7. Loved ones and family to come to Christ<3
    사랑하는사람들과 가족분들이 예수님을 영접하도록^^

May you all have a blessed festive season, and may 2019 bring happiness, joy, and an intimacy with Jesus Christ:)
모두에게 너무 축복된 명절시즌 보내시고, 2019년에도 행복,기쁨 그리고 예수님과 친밀함을 잘 느낄수 있기를 축복합니다:)

Be blessed,
축복합니다!

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

END OF YEAR MUSINGS 2015

monkeybear new years 2015

 

(Shameless plug: New Year drawing by ME featuring my favourite furry friends. For more art/design of mine, please go to www.facebook.com/beckiiness)

 

So it comes round to that time of year again, and I wish that I had more time to blog more frequently. Looking at how few blog posts I managed to write this year ( I think it was 4…4!?) reminds me that yes, God IS and was doing a crazy amount of things in my life this year (as always) so I didn’t even have time to sit down and clear my thoughts to write. But sometimes I wish I had another me so that I could share every lightbulb moment God placed on my heart in REAL TIME, right? haha…

 

Anyway, as I write every year, and as I have experienced every year – beyond anything I could have ever imagined, every year has been vastly different from the previous, and progressively more crazy. I am now writing this from Thailand, for one.
But looking back, I can clearly see how God has guided me, moulded me, and opened doors to prepare me for where He wanted me to go (even though it has always felt in the present – and still does – that I am walking blind in a fog), for who he wanted me to be, and ultimately as His desires become mine – the opportunity to do many things that I’ve always wanted to do, but never thought possible.

 

God is good in every season, and I am thankful:) So as I reflect…

 

2009: Started attending church after feeling touched by a youth service I attended once off with friends in Hong Kong. Got baptised soon after my first real encounter with God through a dream; but I kept barriers up and my mask on, and things got worse – lost my drivers license through an (unintentional) drink driving incident falling asleep at the wheel, realised in horror that I didn’t want to be an optometrist with 6 months until graduation (I have wanted to be an artist ever since I was little), battling several things at once left me severely mentally unbalanced towards the end of year (I told no one and remained as much as I could by myself at home), so much so I nearly failed university.

 

2010: Struggling working in Australia as an optometrist for long hours with a manipulative boss, hating my life and job, battling severe clinical depression and suicidal thoughts (note: daily thoughts I have had year in and year out since I was around 10 years old) amidst family dysfunction and refusing to meet or see any friends the entire year as a result from the depression and mental imbalance, barely sleeping and spending my free (note: hours I should have been sleeping) hours desperately practising drawing in a bid to develop another skill and as desperate self therapy to mentally stay put together…living on too much caffeine and painkillers to combat the constant headaches…praying desperately that God would pull me through…

 

2011: Started seeing a psychologist as a desperate attempt to stop the neverending persistent thoughts of wanting to kill myself and regular panic attacks, and to avoid the use of prescriptive medication (for fear of someone finding out about my depression/mental state), ended up sharing for the first time in my life about my depression in my small group at church, and received physical healing from the depressive effects – something I had daily for the past 1.5years (if you have depression, you will understand the physical side effects that come with it).
Internally renewing but the outer factors remained unchanged, so my mind started to slip backwards again.

 

2012: I ‘bought’ myself some time to think and moved to Korea during summer for 3 months to pray about where God wanted me to go, but distractions and wrong company made me fall away from church and I almost gave up believing. Answerless, I returned back to Australia for a few months, but then decided to ( for the meanwhile) go back to Korea at the end of the year to pursue God SERIOUSLY ( I challenged myself, “Just how hard can I run after God?”) desperately seeking to find more and to find purpose to combat the returning negative thoughts and lack of life meaning.

 

2013: My first full year living in Korea I saturated myself – double service every Sunday at two churches for 6 months; self- Bible reading/study every day, women’s ministry, church retreats, prayer meetings, conferences, discipleship, small group/Bible study groups, EVERYTHING and anything I could get my hands on. And then my eyes began to be opened…I received the gift of tongues, truly developed a REAL, strong understanding and relationship with Christ (prior to Korea I thought I knew but really had no idea what I believed in), still made a lot of mistakes falling on my face which made me TRULY understand His grace.
I once again, started training (perhaps too much) in taekwondo, but at the same time also started to become recognised for my art (after all the many sleepless nights and hours of practise I put in) and became involved in a North Korea related business as well as design at church, but wondered if hiphop could ever become something more in my life…something that I have always loved.

 

2014: My second year led me somehow to a good bboy friend of mine Dyzee (and I mention him everywhere haha), and my whole life started leaning towards hiphop as we became buddies in hiphop ministry, ended up leading hiphop bible studies for a few months with him and another friend, organising Christian hiphop jams with Dyzee a few times as Krosswerdz Korea, started getting involved in designing hiphop Christian apparel with this said friend and other friends separately in other churches, and started leading small groups and discipleship at church (who…ME? 0__o) as a leader.
That summer, I met the Korean electro hiphop missionary team Hispop, and I began to see how hiphop could be used as a tool for Christ…

 

2015: This year I finally started to understand my identity and who I am in Christ (that I have value as a person…I have value?!), I learnt how to wake up even more to His presence, and it led me to Thailand several times to serve with Hispop for different ministries short time. For the first time, I was able to go back to Australia with less fear in my heart, and my mother began to go to church. Hallelujah!
I ended up helping my friend out with R16, the biggest hiphop/bboy championships in Korea (working for Cartel Creative as staff – an event I would have previously flown out from Australia for, an event that I paid for tickets to watch in 2012, 2013 before I even met Dyzee! Who would have guessed back then…)…and now here I am in Thailand, delving into full time mission work as I made the decision to join as a missionary with the Hispop team.

 

5 years ago if you told me I would be where I am now, as someone with the drive and determination to spread the Gospel, as someone (mostly) free of depression and suicidal thoughts which plagued me DAILY year in and year out, as someone to live in a fully Korean speaking environment in Thailand (and translate things from Korean to English – I can’t believe I can converse in another language semi proficiently), as someone in a leadership role (or was) when I refused to even speak in public or stand on stage, as someone recognised for my art and design skills as someone who is actually an optometrist by training…even thought life is still SO hard, and I’m still struggling so much in this fog…I look back as this year comes to an end and I thank you, God. I thank You for everything you have made me into, I thank You for all the blessings, all the connections, even though I couldn’t see it at the time.

 

So as 2016 (literally) starts in a few days, I pray and hope that I will continue to grow, continue to grow closer to Him, to understand and be shown where my purpose and calling is, to finally feel like I belong somewhere, and for more breakthrough. I ask every year for breakthrough and it doesn’t really come, but I’ll keep asking…please Lord? hahaha.

 

I pray that in 2016:

 

  1. I’ll be on the path to somehow get married…please? hahaha. And that all my dearest single sisters and brothers get married too (shout outs especially to my church fam in Korea)~! haha.
  2. That I’ll be fluent in Korean, quickly pick up Thai and hopefully improve my Mandarin and Cantonese FAST (fail Chinese person)…and then move onto other languages?! YAS?
  3. That God will use me in ways beyond my imagination to reach people world wide, and give me stability and concrete understand in WHAT this life is for, that I will have no doubt in my calling.
  4. BREAKTHROUGH. PREASE. THANKYOU^^

 

And I pray that for you, you who is reading this – you too, whether you believe or not – that His love, the love of Christ will transform your life, CAN transform your life into something beyond anything you can imagine.

 

2016…lets go.

 

Be blessed,

 

Beckii.
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Personal Musings

GOODBYE 2014, HELLO 2015

(written December 30th 2014)

Well. 2015 officially begins in under 2 days, and as I turn another year older in another 3 days after that, I wonder….WOW. Where did another year go!? The older I get, the faster time flies by…=/ Even looking back on my last New Years post exactly a year ago – and having then reminisced on the drastic eye opening life change I had experienced from moving from Australia – one year on, and my life AGAIN looks COMPLETELY different to how it did in 2013. I would have had no idea that my life would be where it is now, being in the situations I was in last year. God is SO GOOD.

This year has been another incredibly hard, stressful one – struggling with visa issues (of which I still am…being a foreigner in a foreign country is difficult), struggling with no income and no money (of which again, I still am struggling with….no money), struggling with church dynamics and big changes, struggling against my own psychological and self-image and identity issues which plagued my life before I came to Korea (mental health is IMPERATIVE and IMPORTANT, y’all hear mmmkay), struggling to figure out what God wants me to do and find my self-worth trying to work my hardest in as many avenues as possible, with no physical fruit to show…so many times I felt tired and frustrated and wanted to give up.

But! It is in those times of struggle and hardship that God is the most near – and throughout all my struggles, the times of desparation to grow closer to God in prayer and fasting to find answers and clarity in my season of extreme instability, I have grown IMMENSELY. Even though there is a lot of things still unanswered, even though I am still in a season of instability, even though this year has brought nothing but change, trials, hardship, more trials…even though everything in front of me is a fog and I don’t know what I am doing a lot of the time… I KNOW the Lord has been with me the whole way, I KNOW that trials shape my character and this is all training, training for the next season of my life to be prepared to BE greater, to DO greater things, all for the glory of God.

Never in my life would I have thought I would be able to have the opportunity to do more things in hiphop (as I had scarcely anyyyy friends who were into that culture like I was back home. Hiphop makes my heart sing lalalala~!!) and combine them with faith….especially as one who did not grow up in the culture itself. But! By God’s grace I have met and became friends with wonderful awesome people in the hiphop culture/kpop/entertainment industry this year who have inspired ME to work harder and improve my craft, made me proud of them for doing things to help others, to inspire and change other people’s lives, collaborating to create things to inspire others and spread God’s love through…

By God’s grace I was able to get a behind-the-scenes look at the huge bboy festival in Seoul, R16 – an event I would have flown up to see from Australia – thanks to my close friend (you are the best^^), to get to learn graffiti writing from a new and awesome pastor/rapper/graffiti artist friend, to learn Djing from and teach English to the top hiphop DJ in Korea (and to feature for like 2 seconds on one of his tracks hahaha), to experience missions in Indonesia and visit 4 provinces in a week, to discover (Korean) Christian hiphop crews and meet and talk and pray with them, to serve alongside a crew of amazing Korean missionaries evangelising through hiphop/EDM music culture in a bboy competition in Vietnam (I love you guys!!<3), to experience a taste of what a Youtube beauty blogger experience at sponsored events (thank-you my dear^^), to organise and pull of Christian hiphop events at my church and unite/meet foreign/Korean Christians in the culture and chill together, to plan with talented friends in the entertainment realm to do amazing things, to take responsibility and be in a position of leadership for the first time in my life as a severely introverted and scared person, to come closer to knowing who I am, what my identity is in Christ, to discover greater gifts in Christ and find fellow soldiers of light/brothers and sisters to serve alongside with…and so much more.

I never thought my heart could be pulled and stretched in so many ways; I never thought my heart would be MOVED by so many things and so many people. I finally know what it means to be ALIVE, to FEEL, to know emotion. My heart was so numbed and hardened over my earlier years I never thought it would be possible to make me feel “human.” I’m still not close to where I need to be….but the ice is thawing….hehehehe.

I never thought (a few years ago) I would be able to honestly say that I believe living for God is the best way and the only thing I want to be doing; but my eyes AND heart have been opened SO much more even over the course of this year. How much more will next year bring?!

…I even kind of ticked off my ‘resolutions’ from last year:

My non-exhaustive ‘resolutions’ list for 2014 would be:

1. work my butt off design wise and improve for business/church/freelance – but learn when to say ‘NO’ —> I DID work my butt off, and I DID improve….albeit I still have a long way to go to be an awesome designer. Did I learn how to say no? …kind of….not really. HAHA
2. get back to improving my Korean again. And time willing…Chinese =__= —> I did improve in Korean! A little…BUT I NEED TO LEARN SO MUCH MORE ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
3. grow in Christ – learn to love/receive love better:) —> I grew tremendously. My life is nothing without Jesus.
4. travel to Taiwan/Thailand/somewhere!! —> Not those countries; but I did go to Singapore/Indonesia/back to Australia/Vietnam….next year maybe?
5. heal from injuries and somehow get fit again… —> I am 95% healed from my injuries, after 14+ months. Praying I can start exercising next year!!

 

Of course, at the end of it all, I pray for breakthrough in this new year to come. Breakthrough in visa, my calling, income, business, relationships, EVERYTHING. I can’t deny that I’m tired, worn out and am tired of trials, even though I know everything, everything happens for a reason!

So thankyou 2014, you were another huge learning curve of which I am thankful for (breaking all them chains), but 2015 I really, truly hope you are a year of RISING.

God bless, and may 2015 be amazing for ALL of you. And ALL of me. Heheheheh.

 

Be blessed,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

PRIDE.

beeeeen a long, long time since I’ve sat down to blog – life has been jam packed in the past few months! I finally decided to start this blog to document my own self musings, bible studies, and other related things as I walk this journey to seek and pursue God, here in Seoul.

 

I’ve actually wanted to do this for a long time….but for fear of persecution and provoking I did not. And….well…now I realise…it’s going to come whether I like it or not. ahahah. so whatever! I’m gonna do it anyway.
so please note, everything I say here is my own thoughts and perceptions, and I do this mainly as a record for the outflow of my many, many jumbled thoughts, as well as perhaps to encourage, and stimulate deeper thought for other believers [maybe non believers?!] around.

 
so, iif you want to read and comment, please do with an open mind, and not one aimed to provoke. THANKS (^___^)
…because then I’m just not going to approve the comment (^____^)v

 

so the topic of PRIDE, like HUMILITY, is a pretty hard one to tackle.

 
Pride is, something we most likely all struggle from. Pride being defined as ‘a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of one’s close associates, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired’. This usually comes hand in hand with having achieved something, over/greater than somebody else.

 
if I say I am not prideful – am I really? [on the flipside, if i said I am humble – in saying that, would I be? haha] For in saying that I am…well…taking pride i the fact that I have done such a thing, and in so doing elevating myself above others who struggle with it….so….maybe not.

 
Due to the particular enviroment I was exposed to growing up, I was surrounded by prominent influential figures who were incredibly proud, and would often use their status to boast about how much they had, how much better they were than other people, etc….and stemming from that, i despised it, and decided well – that i was going to shut myself DOWN in order to NEVER become proud.

 
…this kind of backfired on me as I grew up from my harsh self-condemnation and I ended up with about…1% self esteem. ahaha! …eh…0__O [so dont do that either…its incredibly unhealthy]
It is okay to be proud OF your achievements, but it is not okay to think this gives you some sort of platform above other people.

 
That might seem like a bit of a bold statement but cmon….someone reading this has to relate to thinking themselves better in an area of their life compared to others. I know I do! I do also still struggle in areas of my life that I have pride in. I gotta stop lying to myself!

 
For example – I guess I’ve always had the appearance of someone who can tolerate a lot of pain/is tough….and I can. buuut I have my limits! Which I of course have lied to myself about. SO…my example is, I was getting reflexology in Singapore with my cousins end of last year, and I told my massage dude that I can take hard massages. if anyone has had reflexology before….it hurts like hell. like REALLY hurts.

 
Anyway! this particular masseuse dude [I am never going back to you again] was a bit overzealous, and literally put all his strength into crushing my legs. Let me tell you, it was so painful I was breaking out into sweat and I couldnt talk! I think my cousin was wondering why I was so quiet haha. But because I’ve always said, “YEAAH I can take hard reflexology fiiine ^__^” I told myself to shut up and take the pain.

 

So guess what I ended up with after? two incredibly purply-red very very bruised + sore legs, and a messed up back. ARGH!!! thankyou pride, you just messed me up….

 

 

…and many other prideful moments of myself which…may be revealed in due time, but this is my first post so please give me some grace hahaha ^^

 

 

Pride is something that the Bible tells us to get rid of, and to embrace humility instead. 1 Peter 5:5-7 (NIV) tells us “All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Humble yourselves, therefor, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.”
The greatest commandment we are told to do is to LOVE God, and love one another [Matthew 22:36-40] – so if we think ourselves better than someone else, how can we organically, and truely love others and love God if we think ourselves to be on a platform looking down? [oh herro] This is why HUMILITY is so needed so that we are all on the same level, loving each other equally, not as someone coming from higher or lower status.

 
1 John 3:16-17 “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?”

 

 

It is not possible to emulate true selfless love when you look down on someone out of pity, or because you have something they dont and you want to glorify yourself by giving them something and showing them you have that power. Because then the focus is given to yourself, and not to God – let us do things not to elevate ourselves, but to elevate Him.

 
James 13-16 “Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbour bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.”

 

 

With pride, we cannot truly receive the things of God, because we don’t really want what He wants, we want what WE want. and that blocks His will from flowing through us. [ James 4:2-3 “You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”]

 

It is who we ARE, and what we DO with it that matters in the end, and NOT what we OWN, and what our STATUS is.

 

Because at the end of the day, all this dies with us. What remains? The relationships you built with people, the legacy you left behind of being that person to humble themselves and truely help someone in need because of genuine care and love. Noone cares how much money you have when you die [unless you got yourself a GOOLDDD DIGGERR WHOOO ….jk], they want the hearts who love them to be near them.

 
James 4: 14-16 “Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will love and do this or that.” As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil.”

 
Let us be blessed by blessing others – but do so without ulterior motives! [1 Peter 3: 8-9 “…live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”]

 
…and hand in hand with pride, comes judgement – as we ALL already know…we are in no position to judge others as we ourselves are FAR from perfect! I know I am culprit to this all the time…and I’m glad His mercies are new every day or some large finger from heaven would probably come down and squash me *SQUISH* Do not throw rocks at others when you aint without sin yourself! do NOT judge!

 
Come to me if you need glasses to clearly see the speck of dust in your brothers eye, and I’ll remove that massive foreign body in your own eye….haha I am so funny -____- *nerd*

 

 

So…I dont know if this all made sense. It made more sense in my head then when I transferred it to text. But let us all DIE to pride. For we were made NEW in Christ, not refurbished/renovated/fixed up but brand NEW…so these things dont need to be with us anymore:)[Matthew 9: 16-17 ” “No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch will pull away from the garment, making the tear worse. Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will run out and the wineskins be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” “].

 
Not easy…but thats why God’s mercies are newwwwww everyyyy dayyyy!! PtL! die to self; and tell your flesh to SHUT UP:D

 
Let us love, love, love:)
2 John 5-6 ” …I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another. And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.”

 

 

Be blessed!

 

beckii xo

 

p.s something tells me im going to have to die to self straight after posting this… -___-

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