Personal Musings


Long time no see, blog.

This may come together as a giant outpour of mental diarrhoea….but I gotta get it out!! So readers, beware:D

It has been a continuing, gradual process of self-discovery, self-evaluation, healing and growing during my time here in Korea. A process of allowing myself to pull out that box of problems that I pushed to the deep recesses of my mind, to force them t come to light, to force myself to FACE them and resolve them. And hey – it is super difficult, and the more I unravel about myself; the more I realise and recognise just how much of a battle it is.

Its true – sometimes there’s a part of us that doesnt want to change. Because more often than not, change is difficult, and painful, and we just can’t be bothered. There’s a very big part of me that fights to keep acting like I know, to repeat the same behaviour which is familiar to me, knowing full well it is detrimental to my psychological health, my spiritual health – and that is absolutely NOT what God wants for me.

Man….I frustrate myself sometimes.

I am naturally, VERY introverted. Everyone who sees me regularly will insist I’m lying and that I’m an extrovert in denial – haha! But I am not. I can very easily spend a lot of time with myself and I have always disliked big crowded events with a lot of people because *GASP * it would mean that I would have to try and make small talk *horrified face * and I am the most awkward turtle EVER (dangerous, as too much time alone leads to too many thoughts which can lead to negativity which can lead to a relapse of depression….dammit~)….BUT. Again, I know that God has NOT called me to be a social recluse and NOT impact and encourage others by making myself lonely and useless!

We are called to love God and love others – so as commonly said, and as my friend said to me; are we REALLY doing the former, if we cannot do the latter?

So that brings me (again) to fear – if we let fear hold us back, if we let THAt be the reigning factor in our lives – then we essentially block ourselves from fulfilling our potential to do great things! Until we step into our calling and move boldly through this life, it will only be a “what if.” And that is exactly what the enemy wants – for us to never realise that we are ALL capable of doing something amazing in our own right.

So in a roundabout way, I am completely frustrated and annoyed at…MYSELF. For caving in; for shrinking back and being tired of…well, EVERYTHING right now. I’m human…and I’m tired. And I want to give up. Why CAN’T I perform better? Why CAN’T I be more creative? Why CAN’T I take criticism like I should? Why do I have to wait so long to see fruit of my hard work? Why don’t I have the energy or can be bothered to make the effort to socialise and not be uncomfortable about it? Why can’t I accept myself for who I am (fully)? So many questions…

And…I don’t have an answer for that. At least, not now.

Mind over matter. How often do we hear things like this? Sometimes its not the actual matter at present, but our ATTITUDE and how we react to it. And lets be honest, being a foreigner in another country DEFINITELY confronts you with a lot more conflicting situations and feelings than you would in a situation more comfortable to you.

And God knows this! By bringing things you dont want to deal with to the surface; and by smacking you in the face with them. But, if we don’t deal with our insecurities and fear and problems, how do we grow and learn and move on to do bigger and better things??

You know, I’m not going to lie that I don’t feel a bit sad/hurt/disappointed/rejected that on a regular basis, aside from (very) few friends, only my mother contacts me here to see how I’m doing. I’m not going to lie that in the majority of my time spent here that I am alone; and the balance between enjoying my solidarity and feeling alone and isolated is very fine. I’m not going to lie that following God is hard, and walking blindfolded leaves me questioning my worth and what I’m doing, ALL the time. I’m not going to lie in that a season where friends everywhere are getting married and hooking up and you are (still) forever alone, doesn’t make you wonder if there is something wrong with you and that you WILL be forever alone.

I’ve BEEN there. I AM there. But at the end of the day – it is MY choice to think optimistically or pessimistically about my circumstances I am in; the biggest enemy we fight is OURSELVES. Just as it is our choice to follow Jesus, it is our choice and our onus to think positively, pray and see God in the season we are in. It is up to US to fight against our negative thoughts and situations and figure out WHY we are going through what we are going through, see what God wants us to learn from it, and how he wants us to grow THROUGH it.

Let’s be real, to keep playing the victim card whe you are out of firing range should be a red flag to YOURSELF that its time to wake up and stop feeling sorry for yourself, and LET GO. I don’t want to be that person on facebook that just b**ches about everything. Negativity breeds negativity. And I know and believe God wants us whole – and wont be satisfied with only part of us because we don’t *really * want to face our problems.

Our mind, our SELVES can be our biggest enemy. So as I try to tell myself too – don’t let the lies win. Don’t live your life as a sub-par version of yorself just because you let your mind stop your actions.

Mind over matter. Life IS a battle. But with Jesus you CAN and WILL do anything.

Now, to convince myself.

Ephesians 6:12 “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

Be blessed,

Beckii x