Personal Musings

CHOICES.

I’ve always had a self motto of being “as transparent as I possibly can” in who I am, in who I portray myself to be both online and offline. Why? So that I can be the most genuine, unedited version of myself that I can be, so that God’s grace given to me, the testimony of my life saved and changed by Christ would be the only thing that would shine out of my worries turned to favour, my pain turned into joy, a broken person made strong.

As some of you might know now, I now live in Bangkok rather than Seoul, in a much more missionary focused position. Given the changes, having a much more ‘public’ status so to speak; being so ‘transparent’ may not be the most viable option anymore…

I ask for your prayers, and remember at the end of the day…we are responsible for the decisions that we make.

Please follow me for updates at my Instagram: www.instagram.com/beckiiness; as I probably will be unable to update this blog for a long time yet.

God bless y’all,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

END OF YEAR MUSINGS 2015

monkeybear new years 2015

 

(Shameless plug: New Year drawing by ME featuring my favourite furry friends. For more art/design of mine, please go to www.facebook.com/beckiiness)

 

So it comes round to that time of year again, and I wish that I had more time to blog more frequently. Looking at how few blog posts I managed to write this year ( I think it was 4…4!?) reminds me that yes, God IS and was doing a crazy amount of things in my life this year (as always) so I didn’t even have time to sit down and clear my thoughts to write. But sometimes I wish I had another me so that I could share every lightbulb moment God placed on my heart in REAL TIME, right? haha…

 

Anyway, as I write every year, and as I have experienced every year – beyond anything I could have ever imagined, every year has been vastly different from the previous, and progressively more crazy. I am now writing this from Thailand, for one.
But looking back, I can clearly see how God has guided me, moulded me, and opened doors to prepare me for where He wanted me to go (even though it has always felt in the present – and still does – that I am walking blind in a fog), for who he wanted me to be, and ultimately as His desires become mine – the opportunity to do many things that I’ve always wanted to do, but never thought possible.

 

God is good in every season, and I am thankful:) So as I reflect…

 

2009: Started attending church after feeling touched by a youth service I attended once off with friends in Hong Kong. Got baptised soon after my first real encounter with God through a dream; but I kept barriers up and my mask on, and things got worse – lost my drivers license through an (unintentional) drink driving incident falling asleep at the wheel, realised in horror that I didn’t want to be an optometrist with 6 months until graduation (I have wanted to be an artist ever since I was little), battling several things at once left me severely mentally unbalanced towards the end of year (I told no one and remained as much as I could by myself at home), so much so I nearly failed university.

 

2010: Struggling working in Australia as an optometrist for long hours with a manipulative boss, hating my life and job, battling severe clinical depression and suicidal thoughts (note: daily thoughts I have had year in and year out since I was around 10 years old) amidst family dysfunction and refusing to meet or see any friends the entire year as a result from the depression and mental imbalance, barely sleeping and spending my free (note: hours I should have been sleeping) hours desperately practising drawing in a bid to develop another skill and as desperate self therapy to mentally stay put together…living on too much caffeine and painkillers to combat the constant headaches…praying desperately that God would pull me through…

 

2011: Started seeing a psychologist as a desperate attempt to stop the neverending persistent thoughts of wanting to kill myself and regular panic attacks, and to avoid the use of prescriptive medication (for fear of someone finding out about my depression/mental state), ended up sharing for the first time in my life about my depression in my small group at church, and received physical healing from the depressive effects – something I had daily for the past 1.5years (if you have depression, you will understand the physical side effects that come with it).
Internally renewing but the outer factors remained unchanged, so my mind started to slip backwards again.

 

2012: I ‘bought’ myself some time to think and moved to Korea during summer for 3 months to pray about where God wanted me to go, but distractions and wrong company made me fall away from church and I almost gave up believing. Answerless, I returned back to Australia for a few months, but then decided to ( for the meanwhile) go back to Korea at the end of the year to pursue God SERIOUSLY ( I challenged myself, “Just how hard can I run after God?”) desperately seeking to find more and to find purpose to combat the returning negative thoughts and lack of life meaning.

 

2013: My first full year living in Korea I saturated myself – double service every Sunday at two churches for 6 months; self- Bible reading/study every day, women’s ministry, church retreats, prayer meetings, conferences, discipleship, small group/Bible study groups, EVERYTHING and anything I could get my hands on. And then my eyes began to be opened…I received the gift of tongues, truly developed a REAL, strong understanding and relationship with Christ (prior to Korea I thought I knew but really had no idea what I believed in), still made a lot of mistakes falling on my face which made me TRULY understand His grace.
I once again, started training (perhaps too much) in taekwondo, but at the same time also started to become recognised for my art (after all the many sleepless nights and hours of practise I put in) and became involved in a North Korea related business as well as design at church, but wondered if hiphop could ever become something more in my life…something that I have always loved.

 

2014: My second year led me somehow to a good bboy friend of mine Dyzee (and I mention him everywhere haha), and my whole life started leaning towards hiphop as we became buddies in hiphop ministry, ended up leading hiphop bible studies for a few months with him and another friend, organising Christian hiphop jams with Dyzee a few times as Krosswerdz Korea, started getting involved in designing hiphop Christian apparel with this said friend and other friends separately in other churches, and started leading small groups and discipleship at church (who…ME? 0__o) as a leader.
That summer, I met the Korean electro hiphop missionary team Hispop, and I began to see how hiphop could be used as a tool for Christ…

 

2015: This year I finally started to understand my identity and who I am in Christ (that I have value as a person…I have value?!), I learnt how to wake up even more to His presence, and it led me to Thailand several times to serve with Hispop for different ministries short time. For the first time, I was able to go back to Australia with less fear in my heart, and my mother began to go to church. Hallelujah!
I ended up helping my friend out with R16, the biggest hiphop/bboy championships in Korea (working for Cartel Creative as staff – an event I would have previously flown out from Australia for, an event that I paid for tickets to watch in 2012, 2013 before I even met Dyzee! Who would have guessed back then…)…and now here I am in Thailand, delving into full time mission work as I made the decision to join as a missionary with the Hispop team.

 

5 years ago if you told me I would be where I am now, as someone with the drive and determination to spread the Gospel, as someone (mostly) free of depression and suicidal thoughts which plagued me DAILY year in and year out, as someone to live in a fully Korean speaking environment in Thailand (and translate things from Korean to English – I can’t believe I can converse in another language semi proficiently), as someone in a leadership role (or was) when I refused to even speak in public or stand on stage, as someone recognised for my art and design skills as someone who is actually an optometrist by training…even thought life is still SO hard, and I’m still struggling so much in this fog…I look back as this year comes to an end and I thank you, God. I thank You for everything you have made me into, I thank You for all the blessings, all the connections, even though I couldn’t see it at the time.

 

So as 2016 (literally) starts in a few days, I pray and hope that I will continue to grow, continue to grow closer to Him, to understand and be shown where my purpose and calling is, to finally feel like I belong somewhere, and for more breakthrough. I ask every year for breakthrough and it doesn’t really come, but I’ll keep asking…please Lord? hahaha.

 

I pray that in 2016:

 

  1. I’ll be on the path to somehow get married…please? hahaha. And that all my dearest single sisters and brothers get married too (shout outs especially to my church fam in Korea)~! haha.
  2. That I’ll be fluent in Korean, quickly pick up Thai and hopefully improve my Mandarin and Cantonese FAST (fail Chinese person)…and then move onto other languages?! YAS?
  3. That God will use me in ways beyond my imagination to reach people world wide, and give me stability and concrete understand in WHAT this life is for, that I will have no doubt in my calling.
  4. BREAKTHROUGH. PREASE. THANKYOU^^

 

And I pray that for you, you who is reading this – you too, whether you believe or not – that His love, the love of Christ will transform your life, CAN transform your life into something beyond anything you can imagine.

 

2016…lets go.

 

Be blessed,

 

Beckii.
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Personal Musings

THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE

Itching to blog fully again with all these thoughts swirling around my head, but I simply don’t have any time yet….T__T in saying that, here is a quick update regarding a video I saw today – a Muslim man in Ghana healed of his deafness, and in that miracle, seeing Christ for who He is for the first time.

I kind of feel like crying from all this emotion, but because I’m at work I can’t. Hahaha. HALLELUJAH! God is amazing. Enjoy the video!

“When you know the truth, the truth must surely set you free….I must appreciate and thank Jesus for what He has done for me…tell them to understand that we are all the same people. We don’t hate each other, I don’t hate them. I don’t hate Christian, I don’t hate Muslim, but I need to worship the truth, that is what I mean. But I received my healing, and I believe only one thing, that only if you have belief, that Jesus Christ is the Lord, and the Saviour, then the truth shall set you free. And you will get life, even here, and after death.”

John 9:25 “He replied, ‘Whether he is a sinner or not, I don’t know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!’” 

Be blessed,

Beckii x

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Lyrical Wordplay

SHE WAITED FOR YOU. IM STILL WAITING.

Today is White Day in Korea, one of the many, many couple-oriented days that Korea celebrates. This one is akin to Valentines Day, except in K-town they do it slightly differently – Valentines Day is a day for WOMEN to give chocolate/gifts to men, and on White Day, its the guys’ turn to pamper the ladies. Interesting, huh?

So after that short segway, I thought this was appropriate to post.

I first came across spoken word artist Janette…ikz back around 4 years ago,when my friend linked me the YouTube video of her spoken word piece, “I Will Wait For You.” Millions of views and likes from interested YouTube viewers, this sparked my hope (and I’m sure that of many other single ladies and men out there) that yes, settling for less is NOT an option – that even if we search for the unicorn of a Godly partner, that we serve the author of time so who are we to worry? And trust in His provision, claim our portion in His timing.

That, and her wordplay was NASTY. Here it is:

“So it seemed, that it was cool, for everyone to be in a relationship but me..so I took matters into my own hands… and ended up with…him. Him who displayed the characteristics of a CHEATER, a LIAR, an ABUSER, & a THIEF so.. why was I surprised when he broke into my heart?

I called 911, but I was cardiac arrested for aiding and abetting, cause it was ME who let him in…claiming we were “just friends”..it was already decided for me by the first date, that even if he wasn’t! I was gonna make him ‘The One’..

You know… I was tired of being alone, and I simply made up in my mind, that it was about that time, so I decided to drag him along for the ride, cause I was always the bridesmaid & never the bride…a virgin in the physical, but mentally just a grown woman on the corner in heat! Who was tired of the wait!

So I was gonna make him ‘The One’. He had a… form of Godliness… but…not much. But hey, hey I can change him! So (honey) I’ll TAKE him, I mean he’s close… enough? Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter, not knowing the value of its use to me. Arteries so clogged with MY will, it blocked HIS Will from flowing through me. So, I thank Christ that His blood pressure gave this heart an attack, that flatlined my obscured vision, put me flat on my back.

Through my ignorance He sawed, through my sternum He sawed & cracked open my chest, To transplant Psalm 51:10- A new heart & a renewed right spirit within!

So now I fully understand, better yet I thoroughly comprehend, How much I NEED to wait… for You.

See, the bad thing is that I knew he wasn’t you from the beginning…cause in the beginning was the Word, and he didn’t even sound or shine like Your Son. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, and all he could whisper was sweet, empty nothings —

Which meant NOTHING. He couldn’t even pray when I NEEDED him to, asking him to fast would be absurd! So forget about being cleansed & washed with water through the Word…

But I know You.. ♥ You were already praying for me. Even never having met me, let me assure you, I will wait for you.

I will no longer date, socialize or communicate with carbon copies of you, to appease my boredom or to quench my thirstiness I have for attention, and short-lived compliments from ‘sorta kindas’.

You know…. He ‘sort kinda’ right, but ‘sorta kinda’ wrong?

His first name LUKE,

His last name WARM.

I, I won’t settle for false companionship, I won’t lay in the embrace of his arms, attempting to find some closeness, but never feeling so far apart cause, I just wanna be held. Cause ♫”all I gotta do is Say”… No!

NO more ‘almost sessions’ of ‘almost coming close’, passing winks & buying drinks, I’ma, I’ma, I’ma flirt!♫ Who flirts with the ideology of, ‘Can you just tell me how much I can get away with & still be saved?’

NO more.

I’ll stay in my bed… alone, and write poems, about how I will wait for you 🙂 He won’t even come close, our fingers won’t even interlock, we won’t even exchange breath, cause I have thoughts that I’ve ‘saved as’ in a file that God has only equipped YOU to open.

I will no longer get weighted down, from so-called friends & family talks, about the concern for my biological clock…When I serve the Author of Time.

Who is NOT subject to time, but I’M subject to Him. He has the ability to STOP, FAST FORWARD, PAUSE, or REWIND at any given time…so if we could role play, you would be Abraham & I would be Sara. Or you can be Isaac & I can be Rebecca – a servant’s answered prayer.

I am bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh, made up of your rib Adam! And once we meet, like electrons – I will be bound to your nucleus, completely indivisible atom. We even speak the same math: 1 + 1 + 1 = 3, which really equals 1 if you add Him.

We were all created in His image, but you have the ability to reflect, project & even detect the Son. If I were to explain what you looked like, you would have to look like a star, a son of the Son.. .I would gain energy simply from the light on me. I would need you , in order to complete my photosynthesis. I await your revelation, but once again from the genesis, I will wait for you ♥

And I will know you… because when you speak I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom, your ability to lead will remind me of Moses, your faith will remind me of Abraham, your confidence in God’s Word will remind me of Daniel, your inspiration will remind me of Paul, your heart for God will remind me of David, your attention to detail will remind me of Noah, your integrity will remind me of Joseph, and your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples…

But Your ability to love selflessly & unconditionally will remind me of Christ.

But I won’t need to identify you by any special Matthews or any special Marks, cause His word will be tatted all over your heart.

And you will know me, and you will find me, where… the boldness of Esther meets the warm closeness of Ruth. Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary, which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hanna.

I will be the one, drenched in Proverbs 31… waiting for you.

But to my Father, my Father who has known me before I was birthed into this earth…Only if you should see fit…I desire Your will above mine, so even if you call me to a life of singleness, my heart is content with YOU – the One who was sent.

YOU are the greatest love story ever told,the greatest story ever known. You are forever my judge & I’m forever Your witness, and I pray that I’m always found on a mission about my Father’s business.

Oh, I will always be Yours!

And I will always wait for You Lord, more than the watchmen wait for the morning…

More than the watchmen wait for the morning… I WILL WAIT ♥”

So, this single lady became my inspiration.

Fast forward a year and BAM! Her words became life; her (now) husband being in the audience at that time, observing her for a year to ensure that she was legit (and not spitting devotion to Jesus for the sake of the poem) then pursued her. Got rejected by a broken soul (as did all the other men), but kept on pursuing.

Her new poem, “I Waited For You” – were her vows at her wedding day. I can relate to the emotions in this haha…especially about that person not existing=P But isn’t that ridiculous and awesome? And I am ever more encouraged by His provision.

And her ever ridiculous wordplay=P

Here it is:

“Did you know that I’m not her? And that I partially agreed to the wait because, I didn’t believe you existed in the first place.
But then the slight, rare, possibility that you did, that you would definitely not want me. Because I’m not her.

I CHOKE on soft words like ‘want’ and ‘need’, I hate flowers, red boxes of unpredictable, strangely textured chocolate, balloons that take months to die and everything Valentines Day. I’m sorry, but to me The Notebook and Pretty Women were just, okay.

I am the one, that fairies tell you to stay away from, I was never Cinderella, I was the Evil Stepmother, I was never the princess, I was the fire breathing dragon, I was Ursula, I was the wicked witch of the west. Yet, you still chose to knock on the door of this castle of my heart, unaware that an invisible fortress had been built, due to much more experienced pain than a sting.

Unbeknownst to you, that there would be 6 more doors you’d have to get through before you EVER even saw a glimpse of me, I was still wounded.

Conditioned to live with a knife lodged inbetween my 3rd and 4th intercostal margins which collapsed my left lung. So i never left.

Due to you being out of my comfort zone and shortness of breath. Besides, I was already in a relationship with, pain. And I HATED him, but I LOVED him. Because pain had been faithful for years – I could rely on our past history that he was SURE to come.

My first love on earth, cheated on me. Visiting me on holidays bearing beautifully wrapped gifts of empty promises, tied with bows the colour of wishful thinking and then, leaving me. An egg can’t produce without a seed and winter came, then summer then spring then fall, and I guess mine took the option to leave, cause although mommy said I was beautiful and it wasn’t my fault, it still felt like incarcerated incidence.

So beauty to me was incomplete, like having only 5 heartbeats with no reason to stand up; there was no heart in the house tonight, nights like this I wish and I would pray,

Our Father,
Who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, please allow the clouds to gather and the sky to turn to grey, lead us not into temptation oh how I wish that it would rain, so when I look in the sky, I could see my reflection.

I got nervous when you got to door 6, but surely when you saw the auctioned off art on the walls no one else wanted, re-describing each and every one of my wounds, you see the UGLINESS of pain.
That I am not the beauty that you thought me to be, when you sat in the audience listening to a woman spit a poem about how she would wait. So confidently as I did every morning, after taking up poetry and music and talents and great things, others think of me because they are just John’s Legends and can’t see all of me.

I stepped outside to bask in the sun. He is the one that knows me. He loves me, He has the ability to foresee AND still loves me. so, I stepped outside. Only to find you sleeping night after night, in front of the door of my cold heart, who led you inside? I was terrified, no one’s EVER been this close, but all you wanted to do was show me that we shared the same old wounds.

There were no butterflies, just extreme discomfort, because comfort is uncomfortable, to someone more acquainted with pain, than love. Fear began to eat at my mind, and scarecrows plucked out my warm heart long ago, but even with the strength of ten men, I’ve had no courage, I promise I’m not lying(lion).

But for some strange reason you still felt like heels click three times.

I, was a relentless unpredictable storm. And i guess those other men were made of straw and hay because I HUFFED, and PUFFED, but the spirit that your ripped body housed, wouldn’t go down, why couldn’t I admit, that your hand placed gently on the back of my neck, CALMS me, instead I accused you of trying to control me, I HATED the way that my heart, became a defiant teenager and began listening to YOU instead of ME, and even after you kept, giving me your “i love you”s I couldn’t stop them from replaying in my mind, in my spirit, my SPIRIT bore witness to the Christ I saw in your life.

So after getting tired of the fight, I decided to give it a try. JUST to prove to you that you too, would leave, just like my seed and die, before petals, stems and leaves. My trusting heart, had been attacked, I didnt know the difference between accepting abuse, and being the peacemaker, I’m left with a pacemaker, nobody wanted me, my rhythm is abnormal.

I lost my footing and I kept asking myself, who ARE you? While climbing the attractive Mt Everest of your mind, I attempted to hike a little higher to take a peek at your soul, I lost my footing on that trail, dangled off the cliff of your condition of unconditional, and there is where I fell, in love.
Skydiving on the wings of your patience, thank you for catching me with this love, it’s too much, this love is just way too much, because your smouldering volcano ERUPTED upon my arrival. Smothering lava, I mean, hot, lava, chasing me down, burning the pain of my past, scorching heat, on the back of my heels, a fire that screams “Just let me love you!”

I fell. I am consumed, I am overwhelmed, did you know that I am crazy? Did you know broken homes, and cohort fathers, fictitious family figments, fractured bone and stained glass windows SHATTERED my windpipe. It’s hard to breathe when anyone gets close.

stand close, and just let me inhale, your exhale
stay close, even when I PUNCH you with my words
stay close, even when I CUT you with my fears
stay close, look into my chilling eyes and REMEMBER, look at my chilling eyes and REMEMBER, look at my bleeding knees, REMEMBER, look at my bleeding lips and REMEMBER, I FELL for you. And it took me 33 years to let that pain die. So that new hope, and new life could resurrect.

You caught my tears like wilted warm bible pages, stored them up in bottles and let them collect, as a reminder that as long as I am close to Him, I’ll never thirst again. And when God removed the scales from my eyes I remember, looking at you for the first time, and finally understood the meaning of the word “Behold”. I remember the first time I looked into your eyes it was like, it was like staring at the back of the moon, only to find that it shines too.

You wore patience like a tailored suit, and all I could do was thank God and your mother, for raising the man I never believed could exist. You began to see me transforming by the renewing, I was so comfortable cocooning, as you studied the freckles in my face like constellations, how sweet it is to know, that I am with someone, who will still find me beautiful with stretch marks, EVEN when I begin being stretched, as I press towards the mark.

We are not Romeo and Juliet. We are just Matthew, and Janette. We too, are a beaustifully written tragedy. We too, fought in the beginning like Capulets and Montagues, we too, persevered in love’s name, in love’s name, in JESUS’ name, two lovers, destined to kill themselves daily, for the love of Christ.

And although we know the world considers this poison, we will continue to drink truth. Stabbing ourselves with the daggers of His word, constantly to convicted, we live to FIGHT another day, we live to DIE another day, in order to LIVE another UNENDING day with our King of eternity.

So far from what our adversary had planned and written for our ending. but he is NOTHING but a pretender. Trying to be an author and a finisher, posing as an angry weak William that Shakespeares(shakes spears) but, as though many of his weapons will be formed they will NEVER prosper here.

And I know they told you, good luck with her. Many have tried, cuz not even Charlie could Parker(park her). But your consistent love would make Ella stop having Fitz(fits) and put down her Dukes. You had me wiling to walk, and hop on Coltranes(coals), even on a Holiday, inspired a desire to not be headstrong but Armstrong, you had me, in a sentimental mood, willing to walk miles to get to you, you became my black coffee and I couldn’t move on.

I felt dizzy, because I was out of my element like an uncovered monk. But you’ve been a good man for more reasons than I could count. May the Lord continue to orchestrate this beautiful life long complex called regression. I could make a million promises, with a long list of what I could vow, but we are flawed human beings. And if there was anyone that could break one before nights end, it would be me that could show you how.

So today I will let my yes be my yes, my no be my no, and today my I do be my I do. I vow, that at times I will fail you. I vow, that at times I will fall short.
But in failures and shortcomings I won’t tap out, I won’t give up, I vow, to gather arguments, like evidence left behind by usurps, having the humility to say, I have this criminal mind, and yes it is CS-I who is wrong for the sake of Law and Order.

I vow, not to bind to false romanticism, saying things like “you complete me!” because you don’t. In Christ I have ALREADY been made complete the Head over all. So I vow, not to attribute glory to you, that only belongs to God. To you and only you, today I commit. To you and only you I submit, with an attitude.

The attitude of Christ Jesus, who although existed in a form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but humbled Himself and emptied Himself, and made Himself to the point to where He became obedient, even to the point of death, even death on a cross, and THIS will be my constant reflection, because death on that cross was the greatest public display of affection.

I’ve learned that He loved me enough to give me you, and so I vow to you, my last breath.”

 

 

Be blessed,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

I remember my psychologist used to tell me, “You know, from someone that grew up in the circumstances/environment you did, you turned out pretty well.” I used to shrug it off and think, “No I didn’t…What the hell is she talking about?”

But as the years have gone by and I am older, and (hopefully) all the more wiser through the seasons I start to realise that yes…God DID protect me from going down the wrong paths, to an extent. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll…..hahahaha. I had none of those things, though at times I really wanted to, as a way of escape from my reality.

So why didn’t I? Maybe it was just circumstantial, or maybe it was that tiny, niggling feeling in me that wanted to do the right thing, that wanted to believe there was something greater than the cloudy skies and pain that I saw in my life, that knew that these things would mess me up even more…maybe. Hahaha.

 

But a good few years after being pulled from the psychological dark pit I was in and seeing with new eyes, I realise how blessed I am to have escaped the bondage of things like drugs, smoking, sexual addictions/abuse, etc…which are tough skeletons and shadows to shake off for many friends and aquaintainces around me…

Make no mistake, still the bricks I had weighing me down in life were and still are enough to have left deep scars – but even more it makes me think. We each go through specific circumstances in our lives, good and bad – to make us, to mould us into the person that we WERE, that we ARE, that we WILL BE.

 

So even now, in the unstable state that I am in – that I have been ever since stepping foot into South Korea, and increasingly so, with each passing month – and with that coming loneliness, insecurity, frustration, pain, anxiety, disappointments – that I DO truly believe that everything happens for a reason. That God has a plan and a purpose for my life, and although I only see a short distance in front of me (or rather, not at all), that He sees all of it. He saw my beginning, and He knows my end. Every person met is a blessing or a lesson. Each trial and hardship tackled and endured is one step closer to refining your character, and one step further on the road that God has designed for me.

Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

Philippians 1:6 “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

God KNEW us before we even knew ourselves. God CALLED us, He CHOSE us.

 

But its hard. Despite knowing that God is faithful, God is sovereign, and that everything will happen according to His will for the good of those who love Him…I falter, I cry, I stumble in the MIDST of these trials. And I feel like giving up.

I endure the wait because I KNOW these past two years have been training; that God has completely ripped out the old and nurtured the new in me; that I am a shadow of the person I used to be; yet there are still, fragments remaining, and I know that when I look away from Him, the worries of the world and the lies that the devil has placed in my head CONSUME me.
When will I be able to be free of visa issues? Or do I go back to the old life that I hated that kept me in bondage for the sake of stability? When will I have an actual paying job again (and once again regain the respect of my parents – although I know deep down my money-making potential does NOT equal my identity of who I am and what I am worth, but that’s a blog for another day)? What am I SUPPOSED to do in my life? When will my season of singleness end? Why am I praying double what I used to, yet You seem so far? When will I feel like I belong, rather than feeling like I’m everyone’s second choice and a misfit?

Most of these are lies…and most of them I just allow to permeate and circle in my head. Most of these things the Lord DOES have an answer to, its just the human side of me being impatient.

But frankly…I am tired. I am so DONE with everything, and all the uncertainty I feel. So many times I just want to swear, scream, flip a table and drink my sorrows away – yet I know that truly isn’t the right answer; and that as I have said earlier; God IS sovereign and everything DOES truly happen for a reason, including the waiting…so even in the unseen, God grows my character and who I am despite me being a child, kicking and screaming on the inside.

Romans 5:1-5 “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

So what do we have if not hope? Faith is the UNSEEN. Lord let me cling onto the hope that is in You; and know that You WILL. This storm shall too, pass…

1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

 

 

Be blessed,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

GOODBYE 2014, HELLO 2015

(written December 30th 2014)

Well. 2015 officially begins in under 2 days, and as I turn another year older in another 3 days after that, I wonder….WOW. Where did another year go!? The older I get, the faster time flies by…=/ Even looking back on my last New Years post exactly a year ago – and having then reminisced on the drastic eye opening life change I had experienced from moving from Australia – one year on, and my life AGAIN looks COMPLETELY different to how it did in 2013. I would have had no idea that my life would be where it is now, being in the situations I was in last year. God is SO GOOD.

This year has been another incredibly hard, stressful one – struggling with visa issues (of which I still am…being a foreigner in a foreign country is difficult), struggling with no income and no money (of which again, I still am struggling with….no money), struggling with church dynamics and big changes, struggling against my own psychological and self-image and identity issues which plagued my life before I came to Korea (mental health is IMPERATIVE and IMPORTANT, y’all hear mmmkay), struggling to figure out what God wants me to do and find my self-worth trying to work my hardest in as many avenues as possible, with no physical fruit to show…so many times I felt tired and frustrated and wanted to give up.

But! It is in those times of struggle and hardship that God is the most near – and throughout all my struggles, the times of desparation to grow closer to God in prayer and fasting to find answers and clarity in my season of extreme instability, I have grown IMMENSELY. Even though there is a lot of things still unanswered, even though I am still in a season of instability, even though this year has brought nothing but change, trials, hardship, more trials…even though everything in front of me is a fog and I don’t know what I am doing a lot of the time… I KNOW the Lord has been with me the whole way, I KNOW that trials shape my character and this is all training, training for the next season of my life to be prepared to BE greater, to DO greater things, all for the glory of God.

Never in my life would I have thought I would be able to have the opportunity to do more things in hiphop (as I had scarcely anyyyy friends who were into that culture like I was back home. Hiphop makes my heart sing lalalala~!!) and combine them with faith….especially as one who did not grow up in the culture itself. But! By God’s grace I have met and became friends with wonderful awesome people in the hiphop culture/kpop/entertainment industry this year who have inspired ME to work harder and improve my craft, made me proud of them for doing things to help others, to inspire and change other people’s lives, collaborating to create things to inspire others and spread God’s love through…

By God’s grace I was able to get a behind-the-scenes look at the huge bboy festival in Seoul, R16 – an event I would have flown up to see from Australia – thanks to my close friend (you are the best^^), to get to learn graffiti writing from a new and awesome pastor/rapper/graffiti artist friend, to learn Djing from and teach English to the top hiphop DJ in Korea (and to feature for like 2 seconds on one of his tracks hahaha), to experience missions in Indonesia and visit 4 provinces in a week, to discover (Korean) Christian hiphop crews and meet and talk and pray with them, to serve alongside a crew of amazing Korean missionaries evangelising through hiphop/EDM music culture in a bboy competition in Vietnam (I love you guys!!<3), to experience a taste of what a Youtube beauty blogger experience at sponsored events (thank-you my dear^^), to organise and pull of Christian hiphop events at my church and unite/meet foreign/Korean Christians in the culture and chill together, to plan with talented friends in the entertainment realm to do amazing things, to take responsibility and be in a position of leadership for the first time in my life as a severely introverted and scared person, to come closer to knowing who I am, what my identity is in Christ, to discover greater gifts in Christ and find fellow soldiers of light/brothers and sisters to serve alongside with…and so much more.

I never thought my heart could be pulled and stretched in so many ways; I never thought my heart would be MOVED by so many things and so many people. I finally know what it means to be ALIVE, to FEEL, to know emotion. My heart was so numbed and hardened over my earlier years I never thought it would be possible to make me feel “human.” I’m still not close to where I need to be….but the ice is thawing….hehehehe.

I never thought (a few years ago) I would be able to honestly say that I believe living for God is the best way and the only thing I want to be doing; but my eyes AND heart have been opened SO much more even over the course of this year. How much more will next year bring?!

…I even kind of ticked off my ‘resolutions’ from last year:

My non-exhaustive ‘resolutions’ list for 2014 would be:

1. work my butt off design wise and improve for business/church/freelance – but learn when to say ‘NO’ —> I DID work my butt off, and I DID improve….albeit I still have a long way to go to be an awesome designer. Did I learn how to say no? …kind of….not really. HAHA
2. get back to improving my Korean again. And time willing…Chinese =__= —> I did improve in Korean! A little…BUT I NEED TO LEARN SO MUCH MORE ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
3. grow in Christ – learn to love/receive love better:) —> I grew tremendously. My life is nothing without Jesus.
4. travel to Taiwan/Thailand/somewhere!! —> Not those countries; but I did go to Singapore/Indonesia/back to Australia/Vietnam….next year maybe?
5. heal from injuries and somehow get fit again… —> I am 95% healed from my injuries, after 14+ months. Praying I can start exercising next year!!

 

Of course, at the end of it all, I pray for breakthrough in this new year to come. Breakthrough in visa, my calling, income, business, relationships, EVERYTHING. I can’t deny that I’m tired, worn out and am tired of trials, even though I know everything, everything happens for a reason!

So thankyou 2014, you were another huge learning curve of which I am thankful for (breaking all them chains), but 2015 I really, truly hope you are a year of RISING.

God bless, and may 2015 be amazing for ALL of you. And ALL of me. Heheheheh.

 

Be blessed,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

LOOKING BACK TO LOOK FORWARDS

Well, its that time of year again – a festive day that Australia originally doesn’t have to force me to look back, reminisce, to see how far I have come and to be THANKFUL for everything that has happened to me this year. Thanksgiving; we meet again.

Its so amusing, so crazy that ever since moving to Korea at the end of 2012 – life has never been something I could call ‘static’ at any one moment. In fact; its almost overwhelming how fast things have changed, ARE changing and WILL change – my life NOW even, is still pretty drastically different to how it was 6 months ago, 3 months ago, ONE month ago…and I’m not gonna lie, it has been challenging and difficult at times…but at the same time its crazy and exciting – and I do strongly believe that God intended a purpose for everything that happens in our lives, good OR bad. That, and occasionally we make stupid decisions and reap the consequences of our stupidity. Hahahahaha.

A stark contrast from the life I knew in Australia; where the monotony nearly killed me.

In fact – what I was doing last year when I wrote my “What to be thankful for” note; I would have no idea that one year on, my life would look like it does now. Even in one year…God has redeemed and changed a lot of things, within me AND through me; doors have opened, doors have closed; friends have come, friends have left; I learn every day, more and more things I need to change and improve about myself; my eyes have been opened more and more to things of this world and things of God that I never had the ability to see before.

And so, despite MANY major stress points and setbacks this year which have challenged me and stressed me much; I know that God is doing a good work in me; that He is training me up to be something more (its like boot camp of life); and for that I am THANKFUL.

Philippians 1:6 “…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

I used to wonder a few years ago – as someone seeking Christ, but also LOVING hiphop (it made me have so much peace..and excitement in my heart to watch/listen/do anything involving hiphop culture) – would I ever meet others who shared the same heart as I do? To love God and love hiphop at the same time? Or is it better for me to try and liken myself to others in the church to fit in?

But years on…I have found it!! Slowly, more and more people coming into my life that are like minded, that want to live for Christ but do so THROUGH hiphop culture as a means, TO the hiphop community…and its freakin awesome. My heart sings. Heheheh.

So to the brother/bboy in Christ who I only knew about through bboy friends who are big fans of him back in Australia(fanboys. Are real. hahahah), someone who I look to as almost a real older brother to me, someone who has opened my eyes and opened doors to the hiphop world for me, THANKYOU. To be able to teach English to, and learn Djing from the top hiphop DJ in Korea and also share faith with him, has been SUCH a blessing. Djing has been hard haha, but all the more do I have true respect and appreciation for DJs, so THANKYOU. To be able to start and quickly get better at graffiti work, and to meet friends who are willing to teach me and help me improve; something I actually wanted to do since I was a little girl (yes…I used to want to be a graffiti artist in primary school), THANKYOU. To those who have shown me that its possible for us to use hiphop for Christ and create dope things for His glory; THANKYOU. For all the connections that I have started to form with talented people in music and dance and art and Mcing and everything in between; THANKYOU! It’s been a huge journey of giggedy-giggedy oh-YEAH moments which have truly blessed my life in the past year:)

To my pastor here in Korea, and my pastor back in Australia – although neither I have really spent too much time personally with; I now realise the burden and weight that they carry in a position of influence/at the scrutiny of others; and now do I understand more the stress they undergo because of their love for the church. And for that I am thankful; for the selflessness that we sometimes do not see.

To my church family – who have been the closest thing I have ever had to emotionally experiencing real familial love; I LOVE you guys! For being there for me; for caring for my wellbeing; for checking up on me when I need it; for praying for me! Through our triumphs, our tears, our pain, our struggles….it has been a very difficult year for all of us. But through this, we have grown stronger, and I remember the importance of community and sharing our burdens as we go through this life. I couldn’t have gone through this year without them. So THANKYOU!

Ecclestiastes 4:9-12
“Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labour:
if either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

God has opened up my heart slowly over the past 2 years and showed me what it truly means to love and care for others. So to my blood family; despite the pain and hurt that I felt, that I feel at times in regards to my fam – in the end its from our OWN wounds that we don’t know how to love others well or in the appropriate way, even though the TRUE intent to care and love is still there. My wounds, their wounds…all of us. So I’m learning how God’s grace covers us all;and underneath it all, how to be thankful for the things that my family HAS done for me.

And finally but most importantly of all, I am thankful for JESUS in my life! And since you’re on my blog and reading this you have to deal with my cheese. Haha. For giving me LIFE, for giving me PURPOSE, for giving me IDENTITY – things I never had before. And even though its been hard, even though there are plenty of days where I feel like giving up and feel tired of all the trials and temptations, I have hope in Him and hope in the great things that I KNOW will come, and I am SO THANKFUL for all the doors that keep opening to meet and interact with and collaborate with dope people, for all the things I am experiencing and discovering, for all the chances to do cool things, to do things that can inspire and help other people, to be an encouragement to those who need it who appear in my life, to SURVIVE in a foreign country, to have my eyes opened to this world. Words can’t even express the magnitude of gratefulness I have to God for His majesty in my life. So…there’s no turning back.

For those people who really know me and support me; whether I met you a month ago and we CLICKED or I’ve known you for a long time (and we still get each other…hahaha)…RIDE OR DIE, BABY. You know who you are:)) Thankful for all the blessings, and HAPPY THANKSGIVING everyone!

Be blessed,

Beckiii.

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