Personal Musings

GOODBYE 2014, HELLO 2015

(written December 30th 2014)

Well. 2015 officially begins in under 2 days, and as I turn another year older in another 3 days after that, I wonder….WOW. Where did another year go!? The older I get, the faster time flies by…=/ Even looking back on my last New Years post exactly a year ago – and having then reminisced on the drastic eye opening life change I had experienced from moving from Australia – one year on, and my life AGAIN looks COMPLETELY different to how it did in 2013. I would have had no idea that my life would be where it is now, being in the situations I was in last year. God is SO GOOD.

This year has been another incredibly hard, stressful one – struggling with visa issues (of which I still am…being a foreigner in a foreign country is difficult), struggling with no income and no money (of which again, I still am struggling with….no money), struggling with church dynamics and big changes, struggling against my own psychological and self-image and identity issues which plagued my life before I came to Korea (mental health is IMPERATIVE and IMPORTANT, y’all hear mmmkay), struggling to figure out what God wants me to do and find my self-worth trying to work my hardest in as many avenues as possible, with no physical fruit to show…so many times I felt tired and frustrated and wanted to give up.

But! It is in those times of struggle and hardship that God is the most near – and throughout all my struggles, the times of desparation to grow closer to God in prayer and fasting to find answers and clarity in my season of extreme instability, I have grown IMMENSELY. Even though there is a lot of things still unanswered, even though I am still in a season of instability, even though this year has brought nothing but change, trials, hardship, more trials…even though everything in front of me is a fog and I don’t know what I am doing a lot of the time… I KNOW the Lord has been with me the whole way, I KNOW that trials shape my character and this is all training, training for the next season of my life to be prepared to BE greater, to DO greater things, all for the glory of God.

Never in my life would I have thought I would be able to have the opportunity to do more things in hiphop (as I had scarcely anyyyy friends who were into that culture like I was back home. Hiphop makes my heart sing lalalala~!!) and combine them with faith….especially as one who did not grow up in the culture itself. But! By God’s grace I have met and became friends with wonderful awesome people in the hiphop culture/kpop/entertainment industry this year who have inspired ME to work harder and improve my craft, made me proud of them for doing things to help others, to inspire and change other people’s lives, collaborating to create things to inspire others and spread God’s love through…

By God’s grace I was able to get a behind-the-scenes look at the huge bboy festival in Seoul, R16 – an event I would have flown up to see from Australia – thanks to my close friend (you are the best^^), to get to learn graffiti writing from a new and awesome pastor/rapper/graffiti artist friend, to learn Djing from and teach English to the top hiphop DJ in Korea (and to feature for like 2 seconds on one of his tracks hahaha), to experience missions in Indonesia and visit 4 provinces in a week, to discover (Korean) Christian hiphop crews and meet and talk and pray with them, to serve alongside a crew of amazing Korean missionaries evangelising through hiphop/EDM music culture in a bboy competition in Vietnam (I love you guys!!<3), to experience a taste of what a Youtube beauty blogger experience at sponsored events (thank-you my dear^^), to organise and pull of Christian hiphop events at my church and unite/meet foreign/Korean Christians in the culture and chill together, to plan with talented friends in the entertainment realm to do amazing things, to take responsibility and be in a position of leadership for the first time in my life as a severely introverted and scared person, to come closer to knowing who I am, what my identity is in Christ, to discover greater gifts in Christ and find fellow soldiers of light/brothers and sisters to serve alongside with…and so much more.

I never thought my heart could be pulled and stretched in so many ways; I never thought my heart would be MOVED by so many things and so many people. I finally know what it means to be ALIVE, to FEEL, to know emotion. My heart was so numbed and hardened over my earlier years I never thought it would be possible to make me feel “human.” I’m still not close to where I need to be….but the ice is thawing….hehehehe.

I never thought (a few years ago) I would be able to honestly say that I believe living for God is the best way and the only thing I want to be doing; but my eyes AND heart have been opened SO much more even over the course of this year. How much more will next year bring?!

…I even kind of ticked off my ‘resolutions’ from last year:

My non-exhaustive ‘resolutions’ list for 2014 would be:

1. work my butt off design wise and improve for business/church/freelance – but learn when to say ‘NO’ —> I DID work my butt off, and I DID improve….albeit I still have a long way to go to be an awesome designer. Did I learn how to say no? …kind of….not really. HAHA
2. get back to improving my Korean again. And time willing…Chinese =__= —> I did improve in Korean! A little…BUT I NEED TO LEARN SO MUCH MORE ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
3. grow in Christ – learn to love/receive love better:) —> I grew tremendously. My life is nothing without Jesus.
4. travel to Taiwan/Thailand/somewhere!! —> Not those countries; but I did go to Singapore/Indonesia/back to Australia/Vietnam….next year maybe?
5. heal from injuries and somehow get fit again… —> I am 95% healed from my injuries, after 14+ months. Praying I can start exercising next year!!

 

Of course, at the end of it all, I pray for breakthrough in this new year to come. Breakthrough in visa, my calling, income, business, relationships, EVERYTHING. I can’t deny that I’m tired, worn out and am tired of trials, even though I know everything, everything happens for a reason!

So thankyou 2014, you were another huge learning curve of which I am thankful for (breaking all them chains), but 2015 I really, truly hope you are a year of RISING.

God bless, and may 2015 be amazing for ALL of you. And ALL of me. Heheheheh.

 

Be blessed,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

GOODBYE 2013, HELLO 2014.

monkeybear new years eve 2013
(shameless plug for my art page —>HERE, hehe^^)





As I sit and write this, I can’t believe that as 2014 rolls around I will have been here in Seoul for one year. One whole year! – well, longer than that if you count my short 2012 stint but…anyway – what an incredible year. I…don’t even know where to begin. My life has done a complete 180 degrees since stepping back into South Korea in December 2012 – reminiscing with church family at New Years Eve on what we were thankful for, what we hoped for 2013…I remember as I said goodbye to Melbourne, as I sat waiting for transit in Singapore – only I felt that impact, the anxiousness of a new season to come. Scared of what I couldn’t see. That this was IT.

I said goodbye to my life in Australia; I wasn’t sure what was going to happen – “GOD, HAVE YOUR WAY” – maybe I would sort myself in 3 months, and return back to Australia, go back to the life I knew and hated. Maybe 6 months. And maybe, maybe I wouldn’t come back. I didn’t know.

So I plugged myself into as much as I possible could; double church service every Sunday for 6 months, prayer meetings 1-2 times a week, bible studies 1-2 weeks, my own bible reading and study every day, worship nights, retreats, EVERYTHING. I asked myself, to TEST myself, how far, how hard, how MUCH can I do to know God? how HARD can I run to follow You? How much can I push myself to grow and develop, to squash all my issues and thoughts that ate away at me?

But God is faithful, and oh man has it been OVERWHELMING. The crazy things I witnessed in others’ lives and in my own, things I would have never thought would be possible to happen to me. Blessings in good things as well as the inadvertent blessings in a lot of crazy stressful things this year too – there have been a lot of ‘firsts’ for me – because its through the hardships, through the trials that we grow…not in the things that come without effort.
And yes I’ve made mistakes. OHH I’ve made many a mistake this year…. =___= But God can use EVERY situation; and His grace and blessings were THAT much apparent in my brainless moments.

So I am thankful to now know that there IS something to live for, that I DO have purpose for this life, for the amazing people of all walks of life that I have met – and that I owe it all to Him for showing me that life can be beautiful, among the mess – and all the things I didn’t ask for (and a lot of the ones that I did! the rest…Lord I’m learning to be patient, hahahaha >___<) to have pretty much fallen in my lap this year. Blessed!!

As I look back now – who I am now is miles from the old me; the old me who didn’t know if she was throwing up empty prayers to the sky; the old me who was jaded by the lukewarm church; the old me who cried out for life with meaning and love and appreciation. So thank you, THANK YOU for showing me that life CAN be so much more, when I thought it to be impossible.

Everything is still a work in progress right now, and things are still very much in the grey zone – but even in limbo i have HOPE for 2014; hope for even BIGGER breakthroughs! in relationship, in business, in personal growth, spiritual growth, in church ministry – I believe we are capable of MORE^__^ there is beauty in the breakdown; joy in seeing something amazing rise from nothing (haha. first and foremost, I saw that change in myself, so its possible).

I also truly believe God is working in the urban community here and around the world – so I am beyond excited to pray and see where that will go! I LOVE HIPHOP~!! as if that wasn’t obvious before…hehehe.

So in 2014, I hope and pray that I will learn to TRUST in Him better. That God shows me how to love others better, more freely, more selflessly. That God will show me how to RECEIVE love better. That God will raise up the urban community for His glory here in Korea and globally, and that we can be true light and salt in the darkness. That we become disciples of Christ, not just ‘Sunday Christians’ wanting to save our own asses and to glorify ourselves.

Promised to myself that I would be as transparent as possible from the beginning to be accountable for myself, and a true testament of God’s grace to others – so as the new year comes around, I hope I can continue to do the same…and break stereotypes. Enough with hypocritical Christians…aint nobody got time for that!

My non-exhaustive ‘resolutions’ list for 2014 would be:

  1. work my butt off design wise and improve for business/church/freelance – but learn when to say ‘NO’
  2. get back to improving my Korean again. And time willing…Chinese =__=
  3. grow in Christ – learn to love/receive love better:)
  4. travel to Taiwan/Thailand/somewhere!!
  5. heal from injuries and somehow get fit again…

So HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all! Hope that 2014 is filled with blessings and wondrous things for everyone:)


Be blessed!

Beckii xo

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Personal Musings

WHAT DOES A CHRISTIAN LOOK LIKE?

Why herro, thankyou for stopping by. Disclaimer: these thoughts are my own, nothing else. You don’t have to agree with it:)

This question has been playing on my mind lately; what exactly does it mean to be Christian?

The preconceived notion by self-righteous Christians and a lot of non-Christians about Christians being/needing to be seen as ‘perfect’ and ‘flawless’ because [perrrhappsss] they are ‘holy’… is common, but far from the truth….when in reality [again] we ALL fall short of God, as we are human and ALL falliable to sin, and ALL have the potential to sin equally.

 

So I pose the question to myself [and I suppose, everyone else] – what is a Christian? What SHOULD a Christian look like?

If you see someone on the street dressed differently to you, listening to different music to you, someone who has different issues to you…are they unlikely or unable to believe Jesus is the Son of God, and that he also died for them?

It’s pretty common to judge others by appearance, especially within church circles, as this pastor’s blog evidently displays…

 

For the first time as a minister of the gospel I poorly attempted to put my feet in the shoes of “non-christians” and I confess… I would have probably written off church/organized religion if I wasn’t already a Christian.”

—> “I HATE CHURCH”

 

To be Christian is to believe in our salvation through Jesus Christ, to have a relationship with Him, to believe that we are weak where He is strong, that God becomes our strength. God is a personal God, so whatever your salvation looks like doesn’t necessarily look like someone elses – and I feel that is where a lot of misunderstanding and misconceptions stem from; and hypocritical Christians start to point fingers. Point fingers in their pride over someone else, when they don’t see the log in their own eye.

 

John 8: 3-9 “…They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.”

[side note: Trip Lee from Lecrae’s crew 116 writes a good article on the meaning of judging others, based on the passage from Matthew 7: HERE]

 

I felt that. When I first became Christian, I struggled pretty badly with my identity. Who am I? Who am I SUPPOSED to be? Possibly the only girl to rock up weekly to church in kicks and hoodies [when I didn’t have work, haha], I felt like I could never be as ‘holy’ or ‘good’ as the leaders up on stage.

 

Yes I like [love!?] hiphop music. Yes I like ear piercings and tattoo art. Yes I have done regretful stupid things and made mistakes. Am I unworthy? And so that guilt and shame would be a constant tide over me, waves after waves, every week and at every church event.

 

Lecrae feat. W.L.A.K – Misconception Pt 2

“We’re flawless and we think we’re better

Its official got it all together

We don’t want em getting the wrong impressions

Cause that ain’t real thats a misconception

Been a struggle only Jesus keep us

And we still fall, so its hard to get up

We don’t want em getting the wrong impressions

Cause this is real, ain’t no misconception.”

 

It wasn’t until I came to Korea this time round that God convicted me and spoke volumes into my life – that I realised that my worth isn’t/doesn’t have to be of this world and of what people think of me, but lies in Him and what He thinks of me.

“Don’t you care what I think?” …I think we can get so caught up in trying to please the world and the people around us that we forget [as Christians] whose opinion matters the most. And! That God loves us, and takes as as we ARE, scars, blemishes and all.

 

Romans 5:7-8 “Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

 

I started to see that I wasn’t the only one who could love hiphop culture and Jesus culture concurrently. That I didn’t need to pretend to be someone else. That God made us all differently…SO THAT we can relate and and reach out and spread love to people who are like us, but who don’t know Jesus. Meet them where they are at; rather than speaking from a place ‘above’ or from one that they cannot relate to.

 

Lecrae ‘I am Second’

 

Lecrae on Erasing Sacred/Secular Divide & Engaging Culture

 

A friend from church asked me last week, “What do you think of Christian screamo music?” Well…it’s not really my cup of tea, but if it convicts your heart and allows you to draw closer to God, and worship/praise in a more relatable way….why not? Who are we to judge? [provided the lyrics are God-glorifying and pointing to Him in some way…else…I dunno maybe not hahah]

 

Just in the same vein – I have plenty of friends who would not touch my Christian hiphop. But for me…whose mood can COMPLETELY lift when I hear awesome music that touches my heart, especially hiphop – to hear people rapping or singing [WELL!] over a [GOOD!] beat – challenging me, convicting me in the lyrics and pointing me closer to God…well. That’s freakin awesome. And makes me excited….hehe \o/!

 

It is by grace alone that we are saved, by what JESUS did, not by our own strengths.

Ephesians 2:8-9 “For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.”

 

So let God work in your life the way that He is supposed to…because God made you the way He wanted, and can make something out of EVERY situation in our lives! If change occurs – it’ll be through Him and because of Him; not because of other humans guiding your actions.

 

It’s ridiculous to harshly condemn others and to stand over them as if your life is perfect. God is the only judge with clean hands. The rest of us are dirty people, pointing each other to the shower.”Trip Lee

 

I don’t want to be a hypocrite.

 

MC Jin – Hypocrite [Black Chapter] – album drops today, buy on iTunes!:)

 

be blessed,

 

Beckii.

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