Personal Musings

HERE WE GO AGAIN: END OF YEAR MUSINGS 2017 (한국말)

(위의 그림은 이번 연말의 방금 완성했던 원숭이 그림~ 업데이트를 받기위해 저의 개인적인 @beckiiness + 새로운 디자인 하는 @indreamality 인스타그램들을 팔로우해주세요~!! 자기 블로그이니까 자기 홍보 할수 있죠~ㅋㅋFeatured image is…a preview of this year’s new year monkeydoodle. Please follow my Instagram accounts @beckiiness and new design one @indreamality for updates! Shameless promo because I can. Haha.)

(I’m going to attempt to translate this for the first time into Korean…for practice…haha can I do it? 번역 연습을 하려고 처음으로 이 연말에 대한 내용을 영어에서 한국말로 번역해 보려고 해요…저 잘할 수 있을까요? ㅋㅋ사실은 이런 내용 번역할때마다 어떤 착한언니에게 한국말을 좀 확인해달라고 부탁해요~ㅋㅋ 고마운 마음 담아서 올릴게요~)

So it’s that time of year again; where I sit down and reminisce on the year that was; this year 2016. I can’t believe how fast time passes…barely a blink of an eye and it will be 2017! I find it so fascinating and almost unbelievable, the rollercoaster ride that God has taken me on since I left Australia for Korea in 2012. Every single year thereafter has been one of tests, trials and hardships; every single year has been vastly different from the year before it…and in those moments it has felt impossible, hopeless, frightening, exhilarating, crazy, and everything in between. But God always pulls me through to mould me into a greater, stronger person, and has opened doors that (no man can open, haha) I never thought would have been made available to me.

올해도 다시 이 시기가 왔네요~ 가만히 앉아 2016년 올해를 회상하는… 시간이 이렇게 빨리 지나가는 걸 믿을 수가 없어요…눈을 몇 번만 깜빡하면 이미 2017년이 될 것 같아요~! 2012년에 호주에서 떠나서 한국으로 향한 저를, 하나님께서 마치 롤러코스터처럼 이끌어 주신 것은 너무 신기하고 정말 믿기 어려운 일이라 생각돼요. 그 후 매년, 시험, 고난과 어려움으로 가득했고, 매 해가 그 전 해와 완전히 달라졌어요…그리고 그 순간들에 제가 얼마나 절망적이었고, 두려웠고, 짜릿했고, 복잡하고 불가능하다 느꼈는지…그런데 변함없이 하나님의 인도하심가운데 그 시간을 거치하며 더 강하고, 회복력이 빠른 사람으로 만들어 주셨고 나에게 허락될 수 없다고 생각하는 문들을(인간이 열 수 없는ㅎㅎ) 저에게 열어 주셨어요.

I know I say this every year….but who would have thought I would be where I am now, doing what I am now? The me in Australia…staring blankly, hopelessly at the wall in front of me in my little box of a room in the back of the optical stores I worked for as an optometrist – my high paying, yet to me, such mundane and empty work – thinking, “This is my life and I have no choice.” whilst dreaming of so, so much more…to be able to impact the world and do huge, great, inspiring things. Four years on…I am a full time missionary in a KOREAN team in THAILAND…performing on stage (the introvert in me looks on in wonder – y’all who know the old me would understand…I would have adamantly REFUSED in the past from my fear and anxiety), travelling to many different countries and provinces every few days/weeks/months, translating from a language that I am self-taught in (God’s blessing in itself that * somehow * I understand Korean to the extent I do now, with my somewhat messy foundation) into English, doing design and art, working in an entertainment and music field – What the!? Even though it has been incredibly, INCREDIBLY hard, stressful and I have struggled through this year with many tears…I cannot deny that I did not dream of things very similar to this. And, I have even bigger dreams than this…but God you got me right?:) I’m looking forward to next year!!! Hahaha…

저는 매년 이렇게 말하기는 하지만, 사실 이 자리에서 지금 이러한 일을 하는 것을 누가 상상이나 할 수 있었을까요?? 호주에 어떤 안경점의 작은 뒷방에서 검안사로 일하며 앞 벽을 멍하니 응시하던 저… 돈을 많이 벌 수 있기는 한데 저에게 의미 없고 공허하기만 했던 일… 저는 “이게 내 삶이고, 내게 다른 선택지는 없어…”라고 생각하면서도 더욱 더 큰 일에 대해 꿈을 꿨어요… 이 세상에 좋은 영향을 줄 수 있고 어마어마하면서, 훌륭하고, 영감을 줄 수 있는 일을 하는 것에 대해서요. 4년뒤…저는 태국에 위치한 한국선교팀에 전임으로 속해 있고…무대 위에 공연하고 있고 (제 내면에 있는 내향적인 저는 사실 너무 놀랐어요~ 예전의 저를 아는 분들은 무슨 말인지 잘 아실 거예요… 그때의 저는 너무 두렵고 긴장돼서 절대 올라가지 못했을 거예요.), 며칠/몇 주/몇 달마다 많은 다른 나라들을 가고, 스스로 배운 언어를 영어로 해석하고 있고 (뭔가 좀…부실한 기반으로 시작했지만, 이 정도로 한국말을 이해할 수 있는 것 자체가 하나님께서 주신 축복이라는 생각이 많이 들었거든요), 디자인과 미술을 하고 있고, 엔터테인먼트과 음악 산업에서 일하고 있고…정말 말도 안 돼지 않아요?! 비록 이 시간들은 엄청나게 힘들었고, 스트레스도 많이 받았고, 올해는 눈물을 흘리면서 씨름하고 노력했지만…예전에 이런 것에 대해 꿈꿔왔던 것을 부정할 수 없어요. 그리고, 저는 이것보다 더 큰 꿈이 있어요…하나님, 저를 도와주실 거죠? 내년이 많이 기대돼요…!!!ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

People laughed when I made this decision, my crazy decision to tackle two different cultures at the same time, neither of which is my own, neither of which I understand fully…and to do it in a high-pressure missionary environment, which made it 10 times harder. Dealing with cultural differences and language barriers twice over on top of minimal sleep and a heavy work schedule. I felt isolated, alone, misunderstood and once again, like I did not fit in and was not pulling my weight for my team. I would be lying if I said that I hadn’t thought of quitting MULTIPLE times, if my strength did not come through kneeling in the prayer room in a puddle of tears, crying before the Lord…many, many times.

But, as I have learnt and grown to understand through the years; to stay comfortable is to stay stagnant, to stay static and to NOT grow, and – that our lives and our understanding of what it is, really DOES begin at the end of our comfort zone. And for that reason I like to challenge myself – to push myself to become better, to learn more things, to expand my worldview and understanding of things. To become a better, more improved version of myself. To become the awesome person that God intended me to be (Psalm 139:13-16), despite all my flaws.

이런 결정을 내렸을 때 사람들이 저를 많이 비웃었어요. 제 문화와 전혀 다른, 완벽히 이해하지 못하는 또 다른 두 문화 속에서 동시 살아본다는 이런 결정… 특히 선교적인 긴장을 요하는 분위기에서 씨름 해야하니 제게는 10배는 더 어려운 것 같았어요. 수면부족과 과중한 업무 중에 있으면서 2배의 문화 차이와 언어장벽을 감당한다는 것이요. 너무 고립되었다고, 외롭다고, 오해를 받는다고 많이 느꼈고, 이 팀에 내가 잘 어울리지 않고, 우리 팀을 위해 보탬이 되지 못한다고 많이 느꼈어요. 그때 여러 번 포기하고 싶다고 생각하지 않았다면 거짓말이고, 기도실에 여러 번 무릎을 꿇고 하나님 앞에 비 오듯 눈물을 흘리며 힘을 얻은 것이 없다고 말한다면 거짓말이에요.
그러나…제가 나이를 먹으며 지난 몇 년 동안 배운 것은, 편안히 있다는 것은 침체되어 있다는 것이고, 고정되어 있고 성장하지 않는다는 것이에요. 그리고, 자신의 한계를 넘는 순간, 자신의 인생과 삶에 대한 의식이 딱 시작된다고 깨달았어요. 그래서 이 이유때문에 저는 저를 도전하게 하는 것을 좋아해요~ 제가 더 나아질 수 있고, 더 많은 것을 배울 수 있고, 세계관과 인식도 넓어질 수 있도록… 예전의 저보다 더 나은, 더 발전한 제가 될 수 있도록… 비록 저는 결점이 많은 사람이지만, 하나님께서 내가 원래 되길 바라신 대단한사람이 될 수 있도록 도전하는 것… (시편 139:13-16).

So as I reflect on this year – I look back in thankfulness. To know that without these experiences that God has ALLOWED me to have, the suffering as well as the blessings – I would not be who I am, right now. I would not have the depth of thought that I have now, nor the greater understanding I now have for the entertainment and music industry/Korean culture/Thai culture/missionary life/developing countries, nor the new sets of skills that He has given me had I not gone through hot water. There are so many wonderful people I would not know now, had I not gone the route I have.
Not saying that I have it all figured out…now having to deal with a new transition period due to quite serious health issues and a very foggy path in front of me…my brain is clouded with many, many thoughts and worries and frustrations, but even writing this now is a reminder to myself – that God will always, always provide and that there is a reason for every season…even if every season has been super hard and taxing, hahahahaha (=____=) You got me, right Jesus!? I am thankful for everything I have been able to experience.

그래서 올해를 뒤돌아보며, 저는 감사한 마음으로 회상하고 있어요. 고난 및 축복을 비롯한 하나님께서 이런 허락하신 경험들 없다면 저는 지금의 제가 아니었을 것 같아요. 지금의 이런 깊은 생각을 가지고 있을 수 없었고, 엔터테인먼트와 음악 산업/한국문화/태국 문화/선교사 생활/개발도상에 대해 이만큼 이해할 수 없었을 것이고, 어려운 시간을 겪지않았다면 지금의 새로운 기술들도 없었을 것 같아요. 이런 길을 거치지않았다면 수 많은 훌륭한 분들도 못 만났을 거예요.

지금 제가 다 알아냈다는 것이 아니고…어떤 건강문제가 있기 때문에, 저는 지금 새로운 과도기를 거쳐야 되고, 앞에 아무것도 볼 수 없는 상황 가운데, 머리 속에 고민과 생각이 많고, 좌절감도 느끼고 있는데, 이렇게 블로그를 쓰는 것으로 하나님께서 늘 다 제공해주시고, 너무 힘들어도 모든 것에는 이유가 있다는 사실을 스스로에게 상기시키는 거예요. 예수님, 저를 돌봐 주실 거죠!? ㅎㅎㅎ….저는 겪었던 모든 것들에 너무 감사해요.

A celebrity who I like said something very wise on a reality program in regards to dealing with the burden of being in a vocation like his (which mine is kind of…not quite the same but very similar in terms of a busy schedule/not much sleep/very little rest – and needing to present your best appearance to many people despite these unseen factors)…I’m not going to write who it is, but if you know, you will know haha.

어떤 리얼리티 프로그램에서 제가 좋아하는 어떤 연예인이 일의 무게를 어떻게 견딜 수 있는지 지혜롭게 이야기 했었어요. (제 일도 좀 비슷해요….똑같지는 않는데 바쁜 일정/수면부족/쉬는 시간 별로 없는 것/모르는 사람들 앞에 무조건 좋은 모습 보여주는 것 같은 부분이 좀 비슷해요)…누군지 말하진 않을 건데, 아시는 분은 아시겠죠 ㅋㅋ

Hyung: When you go back to Seoul, you also have schedule straight away, right? (Background: reality program set in a country many many many hours/very far away from Korea)
Celeb: * nods * The next…

Hyung: The next day?

Celeb: It’s a little scary, right hyung? …is that the right expression, for me to say that I’m scared/frightened?

Hyung: Yep thats right, scary.

Celeb: When I’m like that, when I call my dad every night, that was the first time I told him that I was having a really hard time…at that time he said, “You KNOW that this work is what you’ve wanted to do from a very early age.”…

Hyung: Right…

Celeb: When I heard that I thought, ah…my thoughts are so shallow/I’m so short-sighted!…It’s possible that things can get hard, but the difficulties…if I THINK that it’s going to be hard, then it would end up feeling EVEN harder, I would be even more fed up, I would feel even more ashamed and frustrated…so, because I think, “Ah, the thing that I’m able to happily do, is this work alone” (then he can cope, he means. My translation might not be so clear across the internet><)

형: 서울 가면 너도 바로 스케줄 있지? (배경: 프로그램은 어떤 먼 나라에서 찍었어요)

연예인: *끄덕* 다음…

형: 다음날?

연예인: 좀 겁나죠? 형…난 겁이란 표현이 맞나?

형: 어 겁나..

연예인: 전 그럴 때 아빠랑 맨날 전화할 때 힘들다고 처음 말 했었거든요. 그때 “옛날부터 너가 하고 싶어 하는 일이잖아.” 이러시는 거예요…

형: 그치…

연예인: 그 말씀을 들으니까 아, 내 생각이 짧았구나…힘들 수도 있긴 하지만 그 힘듬을…힘들다고 생각하면 더 힘들고, 더 지치고, 더…자괴감을 빠지고 더 답답하게 느껴지는데… “즐겁게 일할 수 있는게 이 일 뿐이구나”라고 생각하니까…

So on hearing this, it gave me a lot of motivation and strength. Our attitude plays a big role in how we see our circumstances and I think this is something that I could learn. To try my best to be positive, to be thankful in all circumstances, to constantly look forward and UP – to fuel myself to study harder, train harder, and have greater faith in the majesty and sovereignty of my one and only Saviour.

그래서 그 말을 듣고 저는 힘과 자극을 많이 받았어요. 우리의 현재상황을 평가하는 것에 관해서 태도라는 것이 큰 역할을 하고, 제가 배울 수 있는 부분은 이것이라 생각해요.

긍정적이기 위해, 어떤 경우에도 감사한 마음을 가지기 위해, 꾸준히 앞을 보고, 하늘을 보도록 최선을 다하는 것 – 더 열심히 공부하고, 더 열심히 훈련하고, 저의 유일한 구세주 예수 그리스도의 위대함과 능력에 대한 믿음을 흔들리지 않게 노력하는 것이라고요.

As this year ends…my heart is a bit torn. Glad that this season is over; yet feeling like I could have done so much more and worked so much harder. Excited for all the possibilities next year will bring, yet uncertain and afraid in the face of health complications and other logistical issues.

연말이 다가오면서…제 마음이 약간 찢어지는 것 같아요. 이번 시즌이 끝난 것에 대해 좀 안도하는 동시에, 그 때 더 많은 것을 할 수 있었고, 더욱 더 열심히 일할 수 있었다라는 생각이 많이 들었어요…내년의 가능성들에 대해 너무 기대되는데, 건강 문제와 다른 문제들이 있기 때문에 너무 불안하고 두려워요.

My hopes and prayers for 2017:
1. Marriage – HAHAHAHAHA. No really. Prease Jesus? (…HAHAHAHA…sigh)
2. For a huge expansion in opportunities to create influence on a global scale – for not only my team, but myself…to have a platform of influence to speak truth and inspiration into the lives of many, to love them…
3. Complete physical healing (if you would like to pray for me, I have a damaged left hip…its been three years now and it could be a lifelong issue, they tell me)
4. More God-given connections within the music and entertainment industry

5. Improvement in languages – for God to continue to open up my mind to Korean, but also Chinese (Mandarin, Cantonese) and Thai (and other languages)
6. Improvement in physical state – some of you might grill me for this, but weight loss; I need it for not only appearance but also for my health/hip issue.

2017년의 제 기도 제목들과 소망들:
1. 결혼 – ㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎ. 아니 정말이에요. 주님~~? (ㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎ….휴)
2. 저희 팀뿐만 아니라 자신을 위해 전세계적으로 영향력을 줄 수 있는 기회들을 확장하기를. 많은 이들의 삶에 진리와 영감을 전할 수 있는 영향력의 플랫폼을 가질 수 있게 되기를….다른 이들을 사랑하기를…
3. 몸의 치유 (저를 위해 혹시 기도해주시고 싶다면, 저는 왼쪽의 골반에 문제가 있어요… 이미 3년동안 아팠는데 평생 관리 해야 될 상황일 수도 있다고 해요…)
4. 음악과 엔터테인먼트 산업 안에서 하나님께서 연결 해주신 관계들이 더 생겨나기를…
5. 언어 개선 – 한국어뿐만 아니라 중국어, 광동어, 태국어 등이 늘 수 있도록
6. 신체 상태의 개선 – 몇몇 분들이 뭐라고 하실 수 있지만 – 체중감량~! 외모를 위한 것뿐만 아니라 건강/골반을 위해서도 필요해요.

2016, you did not fail to challenge me. 2017, I pray you will be good to me.

God bless you all, and let's welcome in 2017 together!!!

Beckii.

2016년, 저를 성공적으로 도전 시켜주었어요. 2017년, 저에게 잘 해주기를 기도할게요~

모두를 축복합니다~! 우리 다 함께 기쁘게 2017년을 맞이해요~!!!

베키 올림~

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Personal Musings

WHO AM I

Identity. So simple, yet so hard to grasp for many of us. Our identity shapes who we are, what we do, and ultimately it fuels our life and the direction that we take. Identity. Something that I’ve struggled with my whole life, and have spend so much effort and time in the past few years trying to discover – WHO AM I? What makes me, me? What makes me tick? Why am I, the way that I am?

The simple answer is, as you may have guessed – Jesus. I know that full well now…that I am not defined by what my job is, what my income is (or isn’t), or even what I look like (although that’s a harder one to get past), but rather by the grace of God I am who, I am, and who He has created me to be.

The longer and more complicated answer is; if I don’t know clearly who I am, then I cannot serve God effectively in this lifetime, lest I get confused, lest I lose confidence (or rather in my case, don’t cultivate something from what was nothing), and become stuck at a crossroad (or many…), not knowing what I should be doing, where I should be going. And so this has been my thought process for a while now. WHO….AM…I? Is everything I thought I was created to be for His Kingdom, wrong? Or has God set me on another path, another season of training (it’s always training. Always, training…) until He is ready to reveal something else to me….until I am ready for it?

So many of the jigsaw pieces have started to fall into place, yet I still seem to be looking at the wrong ones. I used to get made fun of back in university (years ago; so long ago it almost shocks me), “Ooooh Beckii wants to be KOREAAAANN”…no, I do not want to be Korean. And even though I live with Koreans now and speak Korean 90-95% of the time; no, I still don’t want to be Korean. Rather I know that God opened this door for me and many others over the course of my life so far, gave me the ability to relate to many different cultures, to open my mind up to different languages – Korean, Thai, Singaporean, Malaysian, Australian, Indonesian, Hong Kong cultures, the hiphop culture, mental illness, the health science industry, the music industry, the martial art/taekwondo culture, the Kpop industry….and more…

But underneath it all I still can’t lose sight of who I am in all this. I’m of Singaporean Chinese descent, born into Australian culture. I’ve wanted nothing more than to draw, illustrate, be creative with art since I was a kid. Hiphop and streetwear captured my heart. And now, I just want to be able to serve God with the things that He gave me desires for.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post, or that I have any wise conclusion to give any readers. My brain is anxious and tired, cluttered with a thousand thoughts, running circles in my head, but I thought I would blog it out rather than letting it sit. Ultimately, we are sons and daughters in the Kingdom of God and our true identity lies in THIS – however, without an understanding of yourself and what makes you the way you are, the path before you is just going to be clouded with lies and things that are not really His desires for you (or the desires that He has put in your heart – there is a reason we have a passion for the things that we do).

Lord, give me the wisdom and discernment that I seek in this time…

Be blessed,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

CHOICES.

I’ve always had a self motto of being “as transparent as I possibly can” in who I am, in who I portray myself to be both online and offline. Why? So that I can be the most genuine, unedited version of myself that I can be, so that God’s grace given to me, the testimony of my life saved and changed by Christ would be the only thing that would shine out of my worries turned to favour, my pain turned into joy, a broken person made strong.

As some of you might know now, I now live in Bangkok rather than Seoul, in a much more missionary focused position. Given the changes, having a much more ‘public’ status so to speak; being so ‘transparent’ may not be the most viable option anymore…

I ask for your prayers, and remember at the end of the day…we are responsible for the decisions that we make.

Please follow me for updates at my Instagram: www.instagram.com/beckiiness; as I probably will be unable to update this blog for a long time yet.

God bless y’all,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

END OF YEAR MUSINGS 2015

monkeybear new years 2015

 

(Shameless plug: New Year drawing by ME featuring my favourite furry friends. For more art/design of mine, please go to www.facebook.com/beckiiness)

 

So it comes round to that time of year again, and I wish that I had more time to blog more frequently. Looking at how few blog posts I managed to write this year ( I think it was 4…4!?) reminds me that yes, God IS and was doing a crazy amount of things in my life this year (as always) so I didn’t even have time to sit down and clear my thoughts to write. But sometimes I wish I had another me so that I could share every lightbulb moment God placed on my heart in REAL TIME, right? haha…

 

Anyway, as I write every year, and as I have experienced every year – beyond anything I could have ever imagined, every year has been vastly different from the previous, and progressively more crazy. I am now writing this from Thailand, for one.
But looking back, I can clearly see how God has guided me, moulded me, and opened doors to prepare me for where He wanted me to go (even though it has always felt in the present – and still does – that I am walking blind in a fog), for who he wanted me to be, and ultimately as His desires become mine – the opportunity to do many things that I’ve always wanted to do, but never thought possible.

 

God is good in every season, and I am thankful:) So as I reflect…

 

2009: Started attending church after feeling touched by a youth service I attended once off with friends in Hong Kong. Got baptised soon after my first real encounter with God through a dream; but I kept barriers up and my mask on, and things got worse – lost my drivers license through an (unintentional) drink driving incident falling asleep at the wheel, realised in horror that I didn’t want to be an optometrist with 6 months until graduation (I have wanted to be an artist ever since I was little), battling several things at once left me severely mentally unbalanced towards the end of year (I told no one and remained as much as I could by myself at home), so much so I nearly failed university.

 

2010: Struggling working in Australia as an optometrist for long hours with a manipulative boss, hating my life and job, battling severe clinical depression and suicidal thoughts (note: daily thoughts I have had year in and year out since I was around 10 years old) amidst family dysfunction and refusing to meet or see any friends the entire year as a result from the depression and mental imbalance, barely sleeping and spending my free (note: hours I should have been sleeping) hours desperately practising drawing in a bid to develop another skill and as desperate self therapy to mentally stay put together…living on too much caffeine and painkillers to combat the constant headaches…praying desperately that God would pull me through…

 

2011: Started seeing a psychologist as a desperate attempt to stop the neverending persistent thoughts of wanting to kill myself and regular panic attacks, and to avoid the use of prescriptive medication (for fear of someone finding out about my depression/mental state), ended up sharing for the first time in my life about my depression in my small group at church, and received physical healing from the depressive effects – something I had daily for the past 1.5years (if you have depression, you will understand the physical side effects that come with it).
Internally renewing but the outer factors remained unchanged, so my mind started to slip backwards again.

 

2012: I ‘bought’ myself some time to think and moved to Korea during summer for 3 months to pray about where God wanted me to go, but distractions and wrong company made me fall away from church and I almost gave up believing. Answerless, I returned back to Australia for a few months, but then decided to ( for the meanwhile) go back to Korea at the end of the year to pursue God SERIOUSLY ( I challenged myself, “Just how hard can I run after God?”) desperately seeking to find more and to find purpose to combat the returning negative thoughts and lack of life meaning.

 

2013: My first full year living in Korea I saturated myself – double service every Sunday at two churches for 6 months; self- Bible reading/study every day, women’s ministry, church retreats, prayer meetings, conferences, discipleship, small group/Bible study groups, EVERYTHING and anything I could get my hands on. And then my eyes began to be opened…I received the gift of tongues, truly developed a REAL, strong understanding and relationship with Christ (prior to Korea I thought I knew but really had no idea what I believed in), still made a lot of mistakes falling on my face which made me TRULY understand His grace.
I once again, started training (perhaps too much) in taekwondo, but at the same time also started to become recognised for my art (after all the many sleepless nights and hours of practise I put in) and became involved in a North Korea related business as well as design at church, but wondered if hiphop could ever become something more in my life…something that I have always loved.

 

2014: My second year led me somehow to a good bboy friend of mine Dyzee (and I mention him everywhere haha), and my whole life started leaning towards hiphop as we became buddies in hiphop ministry, ended up leading hiphop bible studies for a few months with him and another friend, organising Christian hiphop jams with Dyzee a few times as Krosswerdz Korea, started getting involved in designing hiphop Christian apparel with this said friend and other friends separately in other churches, and started leading small groups and discipleship at church (who…ME? 0__o) as a leader.
That summer, I met the Korean electro hiphop missionary team Hispop, and I began to see how hiphop could be used as a tool for Christ…

 

2015: This year I finally started to understand my identity and who I am in Christ (that I have value as a person…I have value?!), I learnt how to wake up even more to His presence, and it led me to Thailand several times to serve with Hispop for different ministries short time. For the first time, I was able to go back to Australia with less fear in my heart, and my mother began to go to church. Hallelujah!
I ended up helping my friend out with R16, the biggest hiphop/bboy championships in Korea (working for Cartel Creative as staff – an event I would have previously flown out from Australia for, an event that I paid for tickets to watch in 2012, 2013 before I even met Dyzee! Who would have guessed back then…)…and now here I am in Thailand, delving into full time mission work as I made the decision to join as a missionary with the Hispop team.

 

5 years ago if you told me I would be where I am now, as someone with the drive and determination to spread the Gospel, as someone (mostly) free of depression and suicidal thoughts which plagued me DAILY year in and year out, as someone to live in a fully Korean speaking environment in Thailand (and translate things from Korean to English – I can’t believe I can converse in another language semi proficiently), as someone in a leadership role (or was) when I refused to even speak in public or stand on stage, as someone recognised for my art and design skills as someone who is actually an optometrist by training…even thought life is still SO hard, and I’m still struggling so much in this fog…I look back as this year comes to an end and I thank you, God. I thank You for everything you have made me into, I thank You for all the blessings, all the connections, even though I couldn’t see it at the time.

 

So as 2016 (literally) starts in a few days, I pray and hope that I will continue to grow, continue to grow closer to Him, to understand and be shown where my purpose and calling is, to finally feel like I belong somewhere, and for more breakthrough. I ask every year for breakthrough and it doesn’t really come, but I’ll keep asking…please Lord? hahaha.

 

I pray that in 2016:

 

  1. I’ll be on the path to somehow get married…please? hahaha. And that all my dearest single sisters and brothers get married too (shout outs especially to my church fam in Korea)~! haha.
  2. That I’ll be fluent in Korean, quickly pick up Thai and hopefully improve my Mandarin and Cantonese FAST (fail Chinese person)…and then move onto other languages?! YAS?
  3. That God will use me in ways beyond my imagination to reach people world wide, and give me stability and concrete understand in WHAT this life is for, that I will have no doubt in my calling.
  4. BREAKTHROUGH. PREASE. THANKYOU^^

 

And I pray that for you, you who is reading this – you too, whether you believe or not – that His love, the love of Christ will transform your life, CAN transform your life into something beyond anything you can imagine.

 

2016…lets go.

 

Be blessed,

 

Beckii.
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Personal Musings

BECAUSE I WAS ALONE…I FOUND YOU.

It’s been a long time, my dear blog. I’ve had a post sitting inside my head for the past 4 months but haven’t had the time to actually write it out, so I hope it comes out and is conveyed in the way that I hope haha.

I’m single. Very single. Always single? Never had a boyfriend (a boyfriend? What is that? 0__O….haha). Here in Korea, this is referred to as 모태솔로 (mo-tae-so-lo) – ‘모태’ being your mother’s womb, ‘솔로’ being….solo, haha. Y’all know I’ve heard that term more than once, haha…

Now, this is NOT a post about me lamenting about being single (although I wish I wasn’t)…but it IS about me BEING single. Confused yet?

As I pass through my 20s, I can’t escape the barrage of engagements, boyfriends, girlfriends, marriages, babies flooding my Facebook newsfeed and daily life, being questioned “Why not?” when I say that I don’t have a boyfriend (especially in the land of Korea, where every second person is a couple), being questioned “Why are you having such a hard time finding a husband!?” by the mother. I’m not particularly old (yet), but it does make me wonder…why? Why am I still single?! Why hasn’t anything worked out up until now?

Everything happens for a reason.

Excuse my click bait….rather, this is a post about God’s plan for your life, God’s will, and that sometimes being alone, means that you see things that you couldn’t before. And looking back, had I not been subjected to loneliness, pain, desparation, hopelessness and other forms of darkness – I would have never seen, felt or heard God to the depths that I do now, nor would I have known what joy, freedom, love, hope, grace, compassion, healing and many other things look and feel like.

The only place that we can be pushed to change, pushed to try new things, pushed to make a change is in a place of discomfort, where we know that staying static is not an option.

Romans 5:1-5 “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. “

James 1:2-5 “ Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”

God wants us to reach our full potential in this lifetime; but more often than not, it involves putting us in hot water, enduring trials, and coming out the other end stronger, more equipped, and more READY for the things this life may throw at us. For if things were easy and comfortable…would you have a desire to do more? Would you want to improve yourself and the world around you? Probably not. Why would you need to, when everything is easy and available already?

People often tell me, “How come you can do everything?! Is there anything you can’t do!??” As flattering as that is (and that yes, there are a billion things I don’t know how to do), people don’t think about the process of how we GET there, nor the sacrifices made to get there. Yes, I can do A, B, and C…and D and E and F quite well if I make an effort – but I had the time, I MADE the time to do it because I was alone (and back then, severely introverted and scared of social interaction). No one thinks about the hundreds of sleepless nights, the tears I cried from fear and hopelessness, the desperation that pushed me to work harder, the physical injuries and callouses accumulated, the heart-wrenching loneliness exacerbated by seeing couples everywhere and the dysfunction in my own life, the loneliness from the sacrifice I made to do work and push myself rather than face my fear of talking to people and seeing friends, the voices in my head telling me I am worthless and useless, the caffeine and painkiller abuse on myself, being misunderstood and heavily opposed by those you thought were close…blah, blah, blah.

I can do all these things because I was alone.

But in the deafening silence is where I also heard, Him.

In my loneliness and solitude I started to think about God related things more, I clung to Him, I finally started to read His word more (and trust me, I am BAD at keeping up with reading my Bible…its a constant battle), my prayers became more real and less scripted, His character, His voice, His will for my life slowly, but gradually became clearer. That comforting whisper, words of encouragement and kindness – a stark contrast against the lies ripping through my head on a daily basis.

If you knew me before God changed my life, you would know I was a LOT different, 180 degrees different to the person I am now. My vision was narrow, I couldn’t see anything past my own problems and self pity, and I couldn’t care less about who Jesus was (I don’t think I cared to even try believing in him haha), let alone going to church.

So God knew my heart – he knows me better than I know myself, and all the dumb decisions I make on my own, so He allowed for my time of solitude for me to learn, for me to grow, for me to heal. Even if it involved me kicking and screaming because I was tired of being that ‘forever single’ person – I look back now and look and where this time has taken me, how much I resemble nothing of the unhappy person that I was…and how much I was definitely NOT ready to bring another person into my mess of a life, haha. I finally understood what it meant to WANT to live, I finally understood exactly what ‘grace’ meant (after falling…a lot), I finally understood what it meant to say “the joy of the Lord is my strength”, I finally saw and felt the love and care for and from people I consider non blood-related family, and my eyes were finally opened to the need, the pain, the hurt in the world around me – and WHY God allowed me to go through the things that I did.

And I could do this all, because I was alone.

Now – as we all (should) know, there is a time and season for everything; and as much as I can see the benefits for what has felt like an eternity of loneliness…of course, there has been a lot of things that are NOT beneficial to me – not knowing how to trust people and consequently coming off as cold; spending 90% of my time with me myself and my laptop doing work means I still have pretty bad social anxiety and self-deprecating thoughts that I have to cover up (by the grace of God, He helps me haha) and that the lack of talking to others means I’m awkward in both Korean AND English….and the list goes on, haha.

As we also (should) know, the Bible tells us, “It is not good for man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18), and “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.” (Proverbs 18:22)…so anytime now, Jesus, hahahahaha~! Please (0___O)v?

The point is – God has a plan, and NOTHING is ever wasted. There is always a reason for why we go through what we do in this life – even if we don’t understand it, or don’t want to do it, HE always has a reason to grow us and push us to become who we are supposed to be, to push us towards where we are called to be…EVEN if it hurts. There are plenty of things that I (and you) can do single, that you cannot do married because you have to factor in another person’s mind, body and spirit into your decisions, haha.

In addition, we are all different. Our callings all look different. I would never want to discredit or play down any pain, or hardship that someone else has gone through which has been 10 billion times harder than mine. So my story is not yours….and whether you’re called to be single for now, for a while, forEVER, to be married early, to go somewhere where you don’t want to go, to stay where you don’t want to be…He DOES know your heart, and if you are close to Him, you will know His and the wonderful, crazy, challenging, amazing things that He has for you in this life – to love others, to help others, to be a light in this dark and messed up world.

And trust me. I need this reminder as much as you out there might.

Be blessed,

Beckii xo

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Personal Musings

THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE

Itching to blog fully again with all these thoughts swirling around my head, but I simply don’t have any time yet….T__T in saying that, here is a quick update regarding a video I saw today – a Muslim man in Ghana healed of his deafness, and in that miracle, seeing Christ for who He is for the first time.

I kind of feel like crying from all this emotion, but because I’m at work I can’t. Hahaha. HALLELUJAH! God is amazing. Enjoy the video!

“When you know the truth, the truth must surely set you free….I must appreciate and thank Jesus for what He has done for me…tell them to understand that we are all the same people. We don’t hate each other, I don’t hate them. I don’t hate Christian, I don’t hate Muslim, but I need to worship the truth, that is what I mean. But I received my healing, and I believe only one thing, that only if you have belief, that Jesus Christ is the Lord, and the Saviour, then the truth shall set you free. And you will get life, even here, and after death.”

John 9:25 “He replied, ‘Whether he is a sinner or not, I don’t know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!’” 

Be blessed,

Beckii x

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Reblogs

SPOT ON.

A bit of a filler post until I get time to write up the next one (currently got a few swirling in my head); but I came across this post on Debra Fileta’s True Love Dates’ website and thought it hit the nail on the head – more times than not, people are not turned off by Christianity in itself, but rather the only real representation of Christ on earth – the Christian.

The lukewarm, hypocritical Christian at that. Who was the reason why the baby Christian Beckii never wanted to open up, and the reason a lot of my friends don’t see the need for Jesus – because the representative looks just like the world. Enjoy~

“The best argument for Christianity is Christians: their joy, their certainty, their completeness. But the strongest argument against Christianity is also Christians–when they are sombre and joyless, when they are self-righteous and smug in complacent consecration, when they are narrow and repressive, then Christianity dies a thousand deaths.” — Sheldon Vanauken

Dear Christian,

I have to be honest, I have mixed feelings about you.  A love/hate relationship if you will.  It’s like looking at two sides of a coin, trying to figure out which one is really you.  Part of me wants what you have so badly– faith, purpose, meaning — but the other side of me is too scared to jump in.

There are days that you draw me in.  I look at you and see the most loving eyes, the most gentle hands, the most open heart.  I watch as you take care of your community, as you reach out to the poor and the needy, as you mend the hearts of the broken.  There is something so meaningful and purposeful behind the way you live your life.

I am overcome by your ability to reach into my loneliness.  Reminding me that I’m not all by myself.  That someone really does care for and love me.  Somehow you always seem to know just what I need–it’s as though you had a direct line to God, or something.

I am challenged by the way you give up your time, your money, and your self for others.  I’m drawn to the fact that you are so humble, yet so confident.  You’re honest about the fact that you don’t always have it together- but that you’re working on it.  I love that genuineness…it pushes me to be real with myself as well.  It makes me want to open up.

There is something about your smile that seems real to me.  Even during really hard times.  It makes me wonder where you get such joy.  How you have such strength.  It makes me long for what you have.

Sometimes I look at your faith, and the way you hold on with all of your heart…and wish I had something to give my all to.

But then I get stuck.  I get stuck because I see the other side to your who you are, and I find myself confused.  Because some days you encourage me, but other days you disappoint me.

Other days, it’s as though something has come over you.  You aren’t acting like yourself.  I begin to wonder which side is really you. You are filled with pride and arrogance, acting like you really know it all and have it all together.  It makes me scared to come to you with my problems…because I’m afraid you’ll just judge me.

It  confuses me to watch you so caught up in the things I get caught up in- money, lust, fame and fortune.  It’s as though the American Dream has got you on a leash.  I thought you talked about bigger things?  I thought you said this world wasn’t your home?

Then why do you seem so comfortable here?  Why does your stuff matter so much?

If you can’t be free of it, than maybe I can’t either.

Even if I look past all that, the hardest thing for me is that you seem to have an opinion about everything.  What I should wear, where I should go, who I should be friends with, what I should eat and drink, how I should vote, what I should believe.  You talk about this great God of love- yet I feel constantly judged by you, not loved.  I feel as though I am under a magnifying glass and you’re picking me apart, never satisfied with who I am.

I want to get closer to you…to try and understand you…but your holier-than-thou attitude reminds me that I can’t get too close.  Maybe I’m not good enough for you.  Which makes me wonder if maybe I’m not good enough for God.  Maybe I’ll never be.

Either way, I’m going to keep watching–waiting to see the real you.  There’s a part of me that wants what you have–but a part of me that’s still confused.  But I’ll be here.  Waiting for you to show me who you really are.  Until then, don’t be surprised if I keep my distance.  I want to get closer, but I have to keep myself safe.   I guess I’m still trying to figure it all out.

And I guess maybe, you are too.  I hope you figure this out soon.  I hope you find yourself. I hope you decide who you really want to be and stick to it.

When you do, come find me. I’ll be waiting. 

Cautiously watching,

The World.

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