A bit of a filler post until I get time to write up the next one (currently got a few swirling in my head); but I came across this post on Debra Fileta’s True Love Dates’ website and thought it hit the nail on the head – more times than not, people are not turned off by Christianity in itself, but rather the only real representation of Christ on earth – the Christian.

The lukewarm, hypocritical Christian at that. Who was the reason why the baby Christian Beckii never wanted to open up, and the reason a lot of my friends don’t see the need for Jesus – because the representative looks just like the world. Enjoy~

“The best argument for Christianity is Christians: their joy, their certainty, their completeness. But the strongest argument against Christianity is also Christians–when they are sombre and joyless, when they are self-righteous and smug in complacent consecration, when they are narrow and repressive, then Christianity dies a thousand deaths.” — Sheldon Vanauken

Dear Christian,

I have to be honest, I have mixed feelings about you.  A love/hate relationship if you will.  It’s like looking at two sides of a coin, trying to figure out which one is really you.  Part of me wants what you have so badly– faith, purpose, meaning — but the other side of me is too scared to jump in.

There are days that you draw me in.  I look at you and see the most loving eyes, the most gentle hands, the most open heart.  I watch as you take care of your community, as you reach out to the poor and the needy, as you mend the hearts of the broken.  There is something so meaningful and purposeful behind the way you live your life.

I am overcome by your ability to reach into my loneliness.  Reminding me that I’m not all by myself.  That someone really does care for and love me.  Somehow you always seem to know just what I need–it’s as though you had a direct line to God, or something.

I am challenged by the way you give up your time, your money, and your self for others.  I’m drawn to the fact that you are so humble, yet so confident.  You’re honest about the fact that you don’t always have it together- but that you’re working on it.  I love that genuineness…it pushes me to be real with myself as well.  It makes me want to open up.

There is something about your smile that seems real to me.  Even during really hard times.  It makes me wonder where you get such joy.  How you have such strength.  It makes me long for what you have.

Sometimes I look at your faith, and the way you hold on with all of your heart…and wish I had something to give my all to.

But then I get stuck.  I get stuck because I see the other side to your who you are, and I find myself confused.  Because some days you encourage me, but other days you disappoint me.

Other days, it’s as though something has come over you.  You aren’t acting like yourself.  I begin to wonder which side is really you. You are filled with pride and arrogance, acting like you really know it all and have it all together.  It makes me scared to come to you with my problems…because I’m afraid you’ll just judge me.

It  confuses me to watch you so caught up in the things I get caught up in- money, lust, fame and fortune.  It’s as though the American Dream has got you on a leash.  I thought you talked about bigger things?  I thought you said this world wasn’t your home?

Then why do you seem so comfortable here?  Why does your stuff matter so much?

If you can’t be free of it, than maybe I can’t either.

Even if I look past all that, the hardest thing for me is that you seem to have an opinion about everything.  What I should wear, where I should go, who I should be friends with, what I should eat and drink, how I should vote, what I should believe.  You talk about this great God of love- yet I feel constantly judged by you, not loved.  I feel as though I am under a magnifying glass and you’re picking me apart, never satisfied with who I am.

I want to get closer to you…to try and understand you…but your holier-than-thou attitude reminds me that I can’t get too close.  Maybe I’m not good enough for you.  Which makes me wonder if maybe I’m not good enough for God.  Maybe I’ll never be.

Either way, I’m going to keep watching–waiting to see the real you.  There’s a part of me that wants what you have–but a part of me that’s still confused.  But I’ll be here.  Waiting for you to show me who you really are.  Until then, don’t be surprised if I keep my distance.  I want to get closer, but I have to keep myself safe.   I guess I’m still trying to figure it all out.

And I guess maybe, you are too.  I hope you figure this out soon.  I hope you find yourself. I hope you decide who you really want to be and stick to it.

When you do, come find me. I’ll be waiting. 

Cautiously watching,

The World.

Personal Musings


Why herro, thankyou for stopping by. Disclaimer: these thoughts are my own, nothing else. You don’t have to agree with it:)

This question has been playing on my mind lately; what exactly does it mean to be Christian?

The preconceived notion by self-righteous Christians and a lot of non-Christians about Christians being/needing to be seen as ‘perfect’ and ‘flawless’ because [perrrhappsss] they are ‘holy’… is common, but far from the truth….when in reality [again] we ALL fall short of God, as we are human and ALL falliable to sin, and ALL have the potential to sin equally.


So I pose the question to myself [and I suppose, everyone else] – what is a Christian? What SHOULD a Christian look like?

If you see someone on the street dressed differently to you, listening to different music to you, someone who has different issues to you…are they unlikely or unable to believe Jesus is the Son of God, and that he also died for them?

It’s pretty common to judge others by appearance, especially within church circles, as this pastor’s blog evidently displays…


For the first time as a minister of the gospel I poorly attempted to put my feet in the shoes of “non-christians” and I confess… I would have probably written off church/organized religion if I wasn’t already a Christian.”



To be Christian is to believe in our salvation through Jesus Christ, to have a relationship with Him, to believe that we are weak where He is strong, that God becomes our strength. God is a personal God, so whatever your salvation looks like doesn’t necessarily look like someone elses – and I feel that is where a lot of misunderstanding and misconceptions stem from; and hypocritical Christians start to point fingers. Point fingers in their pride over someone else, when they don’t see the log in their own eye.


John 8: 3-9 “…They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.”

[side note: Trip Lee from Lecrae’s crew 116 writes a good article on the meaning of judging others, based on the passage from Matthew 7: HERE]


I felt that. When I first became Christian, I struggled pretty badly with my identity. Who am I? Who am I SUPPOSED to be? Possibly the only girl to rock up weekly to church in kicks and hoodies [when I didn’t have work, haha], I felt like I could never be as ‘holy’ or ‘good’ as the leaders up on stage.


Yes I like [love!?] hiphop music. Yes I like ear piercings and tattoo art. Yes I have done regretful stupid things and made mistakes. Am I unworthy? And so that guilt and shame would be a constant tide over me, waves after waves, every week and at every church event.


Lecrae feat. W.L.A.K – Misconception Pt 2

“We’re flawless and we think we’re better

Its official got it all together

We don’t want em getting the wrong impressions

Cause that ain’t real thats a misconception

Been a struggle only Jesus keep us

And we still fall, so its hard to get up

We don’t want em getting the wrong impressions

Cause this is real, ain’t no misconception.”


It wasn’t until I came to Korea this time round that God convicted me and spoke volumes into my life – that I realised that my worth isn’t/doesn’t have to be of this world and of what people think of me, but lies in Him and what He thinks of me.

“Don’t you care what I think?” …I think we can get so caught up in trying to please the world and the people around us that we forget [as Christians] whose opinion matters the most. And! That God loves us, and takes as as we ARE, scars, blemishes and all.


Romans 5:7-8 “Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”


I started to see that I wasn’t the only one who could love hiphop culture and Jesus culture concurrently. That I didn’t need to pretend to be someone else. That God made us all differently…SO THAT we can relate and and reach out and spread love to people who are like us, but who don’t know Jesus. Meet them where they are at; rather than speaking from a place ‘above’ or from one that they cannot relate to.


Lecrae ‘I am Second’


Lecrae on Erasing Sacred/Secular Divide & Engaging Culture


A friend from church asked me last week, “What do you think of Christian screamo music?” Well…it’s not really my cup of tea, but if it convicts your heart and allows you to draw closer to God, and worship/praise in a more relatable way….why not? Who are we to judge? [provided the lyrics are God-glorifying and pointing to Him in some way…else…I dunno maybe not hahah]


Just in the same vein – I have plenty of friends who would not touch my Christian hiphop. But for me…whose mood can COMPLETELY lift when I hear awesome music that touches my heart, especially hiphop – to hear people rapping or singing [WELL!] over a [GOOD!] beat – challenging me, convicting me in the lyrics and pointing me closer to God…well. That’s freakin awesome. And makes me excited….hehe \o/!


It is by grace alone that we are saved, by what JESUS did, not by our own strengths.

Ephesians 2:8-9 “For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.”


So let God work in your life the way that He is supposed to…because God made you the way He wanted, and can make something out of EVERY situation in our lives! If change occurs – it’ll be through Him and because of Him; not because of other humans guiding your actions.


It’s ridiculous to harshly condemn others and to stand over them as if your life is perfect. God is the only judge with clean hands. The rest of us are dirty people, pointing each other to the shower.”Trip Lee


I don’t want to be a hypocrite.


MC Jin – Hypocrite [Black Chapter] – album drops today, buy on iTunes!:)


be blessed,