Personal Musings

CHOICES.

I’ve always had a self motto of being “as transparent as I possibly can” in who I am, in who I portray myself to be both online and offline. Why? So that I can be the most genuine, unedited version of myself that I can be, so that God’s grace given to me, the testimony of my life saved and changed by Christ would be the only thing that would shine out of my worries turned to favour, my pain turned into joy, a broken person made strong.

As some of you might know now, I now live in Bangkok rather than Seoul, in a much more missionary focused position. Given the changes, having a much more ‘public’ status so to speak; being so ‘transparent’ may not be the most viable option anymore…

I ask for your prayers, and remember at the end of the day…we are responsible for the decisions that we make.

Please follow me for updates at my Instagram: www.instagram.com/beckiiness; as I probably will be unable to update this blog for a long time yet.

God bless y’all,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

I remember my psychologist used to tell me, “You know, from someone that grew up in the circumstances/environment you did, you turned out pretty well.” I used to shrug it off and think, “No I didn’t…What the hell is she talking about?”

But as the years have gone by and I am older, and (hopefully) all the more wiser through the seasons I start to realise that yes…God DID protect me from going down the wrong paths, to an extent. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll…..hahahaha. I had none of those things, though at times I really wanted to, as a way of escape from my reality.

So why didn’t I? Maybe it was just circumstantial, or maybe it was that tiny, niggling feeling in me that wanted to do the right thing, that wanted to believe there was something greater than the cloudy skies and pain that I saw in my life, that knew that these things would mess me up even more…maybe. Hahaha.

 

But a good few years after being pulled from the psychological dark pit I was in and seeing with new eyes, I realise how blessed I am to have escaped the bondage of things like drugs, smoking, sexual addictions/abuse, etc…which are tough skeletons and shadows to shake off for many friends and aquaintainces around me…

Make no mistake, still the bricks I had weighing me down in life were and still are enough to have left deep scars – but even more it makes me think. We each go through specific circumstances in our lives, good and bad – to make us, to mould us into the person that we WERE, that we ARE, that we WILL BE.

 

So even now, in the unstable state that I am in – that I have been ever since stepping foot into South Korea, and increasingly so, with each passing month – and with that coming loneliness, insecurity, frustration, pain, anxiety, disappointments – that I DO truly believe that everything happens for a reason. That God has a plan and a purpose for my life, and although I only see a short distance in front of me (or rather, not at all), that He sees all of it. He saw my beginning, and He knows my end. Every person met is a blessing or a lesson. Each trial and hardship tackled and endured is one step closer to refining your character, and one step further on the road that God has designed for me.

Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

Philippians 1:6 “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

God KNEW us before we even knew ourselves. God CALLED us, He CHOSE us.

 

But its hard. Despite knowing that God is faithful, God is sovereign, and that everything will happen according to His will for the good of those who love Him…I falter, I cry, I stumble in the MIDST of these trials. And I feel like giving up.

I endure the wait because I KNOW these past two years have been training; that God has completely ripped out the old and nurtured the new in me; that I am a shadow of the person I used to be; yet there are still, fragments remaining, and I know that when I look away from Him, the worries of the world and the lies that the devil has placed in my head CONSUME me.
When will I be able to be free of visa issues? Or do I go back to the old life that I hated that kept me in bondage for the sake of stability? When will I have an actual paying job again (and once again regain the respect of my parents – although I know deep down my money-making potential does NOT equal my identity of who I am and what I am worth, but that’s a blog for another day)? What am I SUPPOSED to do in my life? When will my season of singleness end? Why am I praying double what I used to, yet You seem so far? When will I feel like I belong, rather than feeling like I’m everyone’s second choice and a misfit?

Most of these are lies…and most of them I just allow to permeate and circle in my head. Most of these things the Lord DOES have an answer to, its just the human side of me being impatient.

But frankly…I am tired. I am so DONE with everything, and all the uncertainty I feel. So many times I just want to swear, scream, flip a table and drink my sorrows away – yet I know that truly isn’t the right answer; and that as I have said earlier; God IS sovereign and everything DOES truly happen for a reason, including the waiting…so even in the unseen, God grows my character and who I am despite me being a child, kicking and screaming on the inside.

Romans 5:1-5 “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

So what do we have if not hope? Faith is the UNSEEN. Lord let me cling onto the hope that is in You; and know that You WILL. This storm shall too, pass…

1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

 

 

Be blessed,

Beckii.

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Lyrical Wordplay

SUFFERING SERVANT

To my surprise; Jackie Hill Perry dropped her new album ‘The Art of Joy’ for FREE on HumbleBeast Records. Check it here: http://www.humblebeast.com/the-art-of-joy . True to the record label name, she is a BEAST when she speaks!

‘The Art of Joy’ includes a short spoken word track, which is so simple; yet so POWERFUL. Definitely recommend it as a listen.

Lyrics and track below:) Blessings!

Beckii.

“Some people make me sad.

They walk past me with the rattle of buried bodies in their skeletons
And I am interested in why they havent dropped them off yet
While they have gotten so comfortable with the weight of death on their backs 
And I wonder
If they have seen stars in their eyes
And moons beneath their smirk
But you can tell
That a mirror would only give them nightmares. 
And I wish I could wake them up
Untuck them from the comfort of lonely and remind them that some dreams DO come true
That a heart
With chameleon-like pain will always be that colour
Even though the past and present hunt them like a vengeful eternity
Scaring the peace out of their faith 
I place
My two fingers next to their weary hands and pinky promise them that worship
Isn’t too far from their reach
As long as they are willing to try
Willing to crawl
Their dying hope to the edge of throne of mercy
Drag their weak hearts
Into the castle skies of David’s God and beg for Him to reign there with no umbrella
Just heaven 
Disrupting the hell and prison beneath their ribcage
Filling your lungs with songs that have been too scared to fly 
It is ok
Their earthly tears will be a means for praise
And David you see your kings face and He wipes them away
So smile
Because peace is coming.”
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Personal Musings

DON’T DOUBT.

Time really flies, huh?

It’s already been 1.5 weeks in Australia (after being away from it for over a year…crazy!) and in a few days I will say goodbye, yet again to go back to my current life in Seoul. I want to go back, its been a crazy tiring time of medical appointments (of which I will not go into) and a billion catch ups; but it was good to see my family again and friends. God is good!

I spoke on prayer at my church service last weekend; so I thought I would share what I spoke on here. Nothing particularly new or revolutionary, but its from my heart and my own experience. Enjoy:)

“Thankyou for inviting me to share today; I think what I am sharing may not be new to a lot of you, but these are things that God has opened up my eyes to more than ever in the last 2 years, and it doesn’t hurt to hear it again.

So I have a question for you – who here has a wife or husband? How about a boyfriend or girlfriend? What about a crush? Who has friends? Those who don’t, its okay, you have Jesus! He’s the best one of all. Anyway! The point I’m trying to get at is, how do we get to know people that we want to eventually build a relationship of some sort with? We talk to them right? We seek their company more frequently, and want to be in their presence.

Like any human relationship, it is the same, if not even more with God. Like our fellow brother in Christ Jeremy Lin said, “to know Him is to want to know Him more”. If we are to know WHO God is and what He wants us to do in this life, then we MUST seek Him more. So, how do we do this? We PRAY. Our communication with the Father is through prayer, seeking His heart through our prayers, and our time devoted to him. And like any other relationship, the more time we spend in His presence seeking him, and praying, the more that we start to understand his absolute majesty, and all the wonderfully crazy things he can do in your life.

The Bible tells us to be in prayer constantly and without stopping. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 tells us, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” and Romans 12:12 “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”

We also know that the bible is a VITAL supplement to prayer. 2 Timothy 3:16 tells us, “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.”, so we KNOW that in conjunction with prayer, the Bible gives us written proof of God’s character. Not only that, but you have a backing to what you believe, if someone comes up to you and asks you WHY you believe.

To be honest, in my years as a Christian before I left for Korea I barely picked up my bible, aside from using it to check sermon references in church or lifegroup. I always thought “Yeah, I probably should try reading more…” but that thought would never develop into an action, and consequently my lack of understanding and intimacy with God led me to always struggling to believe the validity of my faith in Christ – because I had no semblance of what an Spirit-filled relationship with God should feel like.

But in my desperation to find life meaning once leaving the life I knew behind in Australia, I started to go through and read my bible every day, tried to study and understand each chapter I read. And slowly, combined with more prayer, did I then start to see God move powerfully in my life.

So I say to the old Beckii as well as to those of you who here who are not consistent with prayer and reading of your bible, that perhaps wonder WHERE God is in your life and where He fits in (or where YOU fit in) in the grand scheme of battling for Christ in this fallen world; I encourage you to start seeking God earnestly in prayer. The more I prayed, the more I saw how great the spiritual battle is.

Look at the world around us – how frequently is tragedy happening these days? The war between Israel and Gaza; the beheading and killing of Christians by ISIS in Iraq, the massacres in Syria, countless acts of unjust police brutality in America, increased frequency of natural disasters, increased frequency of sex trafficking in adults AND children, mental illness and suicide rising in a money-driven era, secret intelligence forces at work…and the list goes on. Australia is very far away from a lot of these countries, but Korea being a more centrally located country, tragedy is very much real and present – as South Korea experienced a few months ago with the horrific Sewol ferry accident.

So, this can be overwhelming. What should I do? What CAN I do? The worst thing we can do as Christians is to be INDIFFERENT. Because isn’t that what Satan wants us to do? To sit back and live like everyone else? The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. We can see the world changing right before our eyes; and he is doing everything he can to distract you with worldly temptations and obstacles, to prevent you from following Jesus and being used as a soldier of light.

Aside from making donations and physically helping where possible, PRAYER is the greatest weapon we have, as God’s army. The more we pray, the more our will aligns to God and HIS heart becomes OURS. The more we pray, the more prayer will change YOU.

So for those who are unable to pray for themselves, we stand and intercede and pray on behalf of them. For even if the world is Satan’s playground, He who lives IN us is far greater than he who lives in this world. And don’t worry if prayer seems to do nothing sometimes. Like any relationship, it takes time to build up one with God, and to know what His voice sounds like. BUT if you DON’T pray– you won’t know at all.

God created us all differently, BUT he did create us for a specific purpose. We all know how much better it is to do things with purpose, rather than doing something aimlessly, right? And even on those days when we don’t feel like doing anything at all, to have a solid purpose will drive your passion to do more, and greater things.

For me, in my situation right now, to rely on God and remember my purpose in Korea is all I have. It is NOT easy at all. I have no visa, no income at all (a big contrast from my previous high paying job here), Korean is NOT my mother tongue, and due to a lot of constant changing factors the future ahead of me is foggy and unstable. BUT, it is thanks to these circumstances that I have been forced to rely solely on God, and so the blessings when they come are THAT much more beautiful, and life-changing. So much so, that I am truly thankful for all the little things He has done for me even in the crazy chaos and uncertainty that I live in, in Seoul, and my faith has grown ten-fold…

…I believe that God is starting to use hiphop for Christ in a really powerful way in recent years, seeing the boom in popularity of Christian hiphop in the states, as well as the influence of hiphop in general in music and fashion culture…

…God is opening up a lot of doors for me in Korea despite my unstable state of no income and no visa, so I do believe I am to be in Seoul, even though spiritual attacks are occurring, and there are a lot of factors against me right now. I know God is preparing to do some really crazy things, and I already see the fruit and blessings in brothers and sisters around me, and hope those blessings will be extended to me in due time. You know you’re doing a good thing for Christ when Satan starts attacking, haha….”

Don’t doubt. Thats a reminder to myself, too.

Be blessed!

Beckii.

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Passage Musings, Personal Musings

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS….PRAY.

Isn’t it funny, that when we have everything going good, we tend to forget about God and put Him on the backburner, away in a box to collect dust, only to take that magic lamp back out and ask for our 3 wishes when our lives once again, take a turn for the worse?

 

Although I don’t think I’ve ever been that ‘unreliant’ on God…still, in a sense…how often do we believe our prayers and actually believe that He WILL? That despite our seemingly dire circumstances (amidst fist shaking at the sky screamng, “WHY GOD, WHY??” – am I being a little too melodramatic here?) that He will use them to shape and mould us into something better…but in His timing?

 

Been thinking about that a lot lately. Stuck in the mental rut of, “So…what the hell am I doing again?” and, “I’m trying so hard but I don’t know if this is going anywhere…” and I fall further and further into a negative spiral of helpless thoughts, periodically slapping myself in the face to try and raise myself into positivity again.

 

The sermon at church was preached on Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

 

Jesus is pretty much, coming to us with open arms, inviting us to come and REST. Rest is guaranteed.

He ISN’T saying, “I miiiight give you rest.” “IF you clean yourself up perfectly first, then maaaaybe you get a break.” “Just kidding! Here’s a heavier burden to carry HAHA.” but INSTEAD, “Come, and I WILL give you rest. I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (haha…heavily paraphrased.)

 

A good point that was pointed out by my friend is that, Jesus never said he would take AWAY our burden (the yoke) but rather, lighten the load so that it becomes easier for us. Because who said this life would be without troubles? He certainly didn’t! (John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”)

 

SO! (after that huge deviation) I ask myself….do I REALLY trust You? You PROMISE me rest, You promise me You will never leave me nor forsake me…yet am I still letting my burdens and worries overwhelm me by gripping tight to the steering wheel of my life, rather than trusting You to guide me in the right direction? (…I was never a great driver, hahahhaha…)

 

So yes…I took a massive leap of faith in dropping my life in Australia to come and find a new one with God in Korea. And yes, I have hope for my future with all the cool, exciting opportunities that are popping up, despite being in an extended stage of limbo and uncertainty at the moment….but I can’t let this fog cloud my vision. To have faith, is to step out into a place of which we cannot see, to have courage to follow into the darkness….sigh.

 

Lord, be my eyes and guide my heart.

 

*SLAPS SELF IN FACE*

 

Blessings,

 

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

LOVE IS NOT SELF SEEKING/IN YOU I TRUST

Valentines Day is around the corner, and just like every other year – this is but another day to me. SIGH 😡 …just kidding. Haha.

 

But like the chronically single friend that I’ve always been over the years to my friends – witnessing crushes blossom into relationships (and…not), breakups, engagements, marriages, and everything in between – you do learn quite a lot from the powers of observation, sitting on the sidelines…

 

So now for the first time ever in my 10+ years of being a serial blogger, I get the guts to blog on…love.

 

Encountering God in recent years definitely changed my perspective on love in a huge way – prior to my life now, I was wondering around in a cloud of confusion – I don’t think I even knew what love WAS back then, in any form, platonic, romantic or otherwise.

 

I sought companionship in the wrong places to squash my loneliness, craved attention to boost (or I suppose, CREATE) some semblance of self worth to make me feel like I could be wanted – an unhealthy combo when paired with social fear and introversion, lead me to feel increasingly worse about myself, rather than better.

 

Now I look back – and know that my identity and worth doesn’t need to lie in whether I am single or not – but rather in God’s promise for my life – and more importantly, understanding that we need to learn to love OURSELVES before we can learn to love others. How can we know how to respect and recognise the needs of someone we are supposed to love – if we don’t know how to love and respect ourselve? How can we GIVE love if we don’t know how to RECIEVE love?

 

By chasing attention in the wrong places and ignoring my own needs as a (broken) person (the biggest lie we all tell ourselves – “I’m fine, I’m FINE”) – I ultimately ended up hating myself and became more and more inwardly focused… as I couldn’t see the world past my own problems. So it was not surprising (well…at least to the older me, looking back now HAHA) that I came up fruitless everytime when it came to deep, meaningful relationships with people – or, even if I thought I had any, I was stripped from any semblance of self love. I often tried to give to much, to the point of feelig like an empty shell…dissatisfied and unhappy once again, from feeling like people only wanted me when I was of use to them.

 

If you can’t respect yourself, no one else will.

 

So LOVE YOURSELF. Learn to appreciate who you are and can be, and who God intended you to be! I can guarantee to you who is reading this – you have the potential to do things greater than you can EVER imagine, if only you BELIEVE in yourself! And the power of God as He works through you:)) A life without hope will only pull you back into the darkness where you came from.

 

Well..that was a huge tangent. I am a completely different person to who I was one year ago – and am finally in a position where I know how to love people better, now that I have a better respect for who I am. It’s always a work in progress, but at least I am moving in the right direction:)

 

So then this begs the question – I know who I am now, so HOW do I love? What does it mean to love someone?

 

1 Corinthians 13 plays over and over in my head – specifically, “Love is not self seeking.”

 

1 Corinthians 13:1-7

“And now I will show you the most excellent way. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

 

Love is patient, love is kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

 

True love for someone is SACRIFICIAL – it is about doing things which are for their benefit, putting their needs above your own. In essence, loving someone is doing something because you know it will make THEM happy, not you. Striving to be OUTWARDLY, not inwardly focused in love.

 

Love is never “IF you love ME”, but “BECAUSE I love YOU” – it is NEVER conditional, but unrelenting and honest, even (or rather..ESPECIALLY) in the hard times…kind of like…GRACE! Hehe.

 

A good example I felt of this is shown in the PC4M’s marriage counseling video of spoken word poets’ Preston and Jackie in the lead up to their wedding – of which their pastor Brian asks Preston, “What if (Jackie) stabs you in the middle of the night?” (hehe) to which he replied, “MAN….I would pray God gives me the grace to forgive her…and we can move on.”

 

Respect. Much respect:)

 

 

If loving people was easy – it wouldn’t be a COMMAND from God, hey?;) Especially unconditionally, becomes all the more difficult when you enter into a relationship!

 

So as I enter the season…alright I lie. Not ENTER…keep moving through the season of which I’m of the age where my mother is asking me the question of “HUSBAND! MALE SPECIES!? WHERE!?!?” instead of “NO BOYS ALLOWED!!” (ahahahaha…Asian parents, the IRONY), I’m learning more and more what it means to trust in God and trust in His perfect timing. And to have peace with it.

Trust me…I would have never have said this a few years ago. Even less would I have had that trust to believe in what I just typed. I would most likely have wallowed in my self-pity and loneliness and misery and bitterness of being the only single person for years and years in my circle of friends…shaking my fist at the sky and asking WHY!? …haha you get the point.

 

But I have learnt so, SO much in the past year from experience…that I should never ignore God’s voice and trust in Him to provide everything in the right season, and the right time – because He wants the best for us! and that He can see SO much further than me, wandering around in my current fog of so-what-the-heck-am-I-doing-again?

 

God can change our lives in an INSTANT, open doors that you would NEVER think possible…and I pray for that. So trust. Wait. And BELIEVE:))

 

Blessings,

Beckii.

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