Personal Musings

WHO AM I

Identity. So simple, yet so hard to grasp for many of us. Our identity shapes who we are, what we do, and ultimately it fuels our life and the direction that we take. Identity. Something that I’ve struggled with my whole life, and have spend so much effort and time in the past few years trying to discover – WHO AM I? What makes me, me? What makes me tick? Why am I, the way that I am?

The simple answer is, as you may have guessed – Jesus. I know that full well now…that I am not defined by what my job is, what my income is (or isn’t), or even what I look like (although that’s a harder one to get past), but rather by the grace of God I am who, I am, and who He has created me to be.

The longer and more complicated answer is; if I don’t know clearly who I am, then I cannot serve God effectively in this lifetime, lest I get confused, lest I lose confidence (or rather in my case, don’t cultivate something from what was nothing), and become stuck at a crossroad (or many…), not knowing what I should be doing, where I should be going. And so this has been my thought process for a while now. WHO….AM…I? Is everything I thought I was created to be for His Kingdom, wrong? Or has God set me on another path, another season of training (it’s always training. Always, training…) until He is ready to reveal something else to me….until I am ready for it?

So many of the jigsaw pieces have started to fall into place, yet I still seem to be looking at the wrong ones. I used to get made fun of back in university (years ago; so long ago it almost shocks me), “Ooooh Beckii wants to be KOREAAAANN”…no, I do not want to be Korean. And even though I live with Koreans now and speak Korean 90-95% of the time; no, I still don’t want to be Korean. Rather I know that God opened this door for me and many others over the course of my life so far, gave me the ability to relate to many different cultures, to open my mind up to different languages – Korean, Thai, Singaporean, Malaysian, Australian, Indonesian, Hong Kong cultures, the hiphop culture, mental illness, the health science industry, the music industry, the martial art/taekwondo culture, the Kpop industry….and more…

But underneath it all I still can’t lose sight of who I am in all this. I’m of Singaporean Chinese descent, born into Australian culture. I’ve wanted nothing more than to draw, illustrate, be creative with art since I was a kid. Hiphop and streetwear captured my heart. And now, I just want to be able to serve God with the things that He gave me desires for.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post, or that I have any wise conclusion to give any readers. My brain is anxious and tired, cluttered with a thousand thoughts, running circles in my head, but I thought I would blog it out rather than letting it sit. Ultimately, we are sons and daughters in the Kingdom of God and our true identity lies in THIS – however, without an understanding of yourself and what makes you the way you are, the path before you is just going to be clouded with lies and things that are not really His desires for you (or the desires that He has put in your heart – there is a reason we have a passion for the things that we do).

Lord, give me the wisdom and discernment that I seek in this time…

Be blessed,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

END OF YEAR MUSINGS 2015

monkeybear new years 2015

 

(Shameless plug: New Year drawing by ME featuring my favourite furry friends. For more art/design of mine, please go to www.facebook.com/beckiiness)

 

So it comes round to that time of year again, and I wish that I had more time to blog more frequently. Looking at how few blog posts I managed to write this year ( I think it was 4…4!?) reminds me that yes, God IS and was doing a crazy amount of things in my life this year (as always) so I didn’t even have time to sit down and clear my thoughts to write. But sometimes I wish I had another me so that I could share every lightbulb moment God placed on my heart in REAL TIME, right? haha…

 

Anyway, as I write every year, and as I have experienced every year – beyond anything I could have ever imagined, every year has been vastly different from the previous, and progressively more crazy. I am now writing this from Thailand, for one.
But looking back, I can clearly see how God has guided me, moulded me, and opened doors to prepare me for where He wanted me to go (even though it has always felt in the present – and still does – that I am walking blind in a fog), for who he wanted me to be, and ultimately as His desires become mine – the opportunity to do many things that I’ve always wanted to do, but never thought possible.

 

God is good in every season, and I am thankful:) So as I reflect…

 

2009: Started attending church after feeling touched by a youth service I attended once off with friends in Hong Kong. Got baptised soon after my first real encounter with God through a dream; but I kept barriers up and my mask on, and things got worse – lost my drivers license through an (unintentional) drink driving incident falling asleep at the wheel, realised in horror that I didn’t want to be an optometrist with 6 months until graduation (I have wanted to be an artist ever since I was little), battling several things at once left me severely mentally unbalanced towards the end of year (I told no one and remained as much as I could by myself at home), so much so I nearly failed university.

 

2010: Struggling working in Australia as an optometrist for long hours with a manipulative boss, hating my life and job, battling severe clinical depression and suicidal thoughts (note: daily thoughts I have had year in and year out since I was around 10 years old) amidst family dysfunction and refusing to meet or see any friends the entire year as a result from the depression and mental imbalance, barely sleeping and spending my free (note: hours I should have been sleeping) hours desperately practising drawing in a bid to develop another skill and as desperate self therapy to mentally stay put together…living on too much caffeine and painkillers to combat the constant headaches…praying desperately that God would pull me through…

 

2011: Started seeing a psychologist as a desperate attempt to stop the neverending persistent thoughts of wanting to kill myself and regular panic attacks, and to avoid the use of prescriptive medication (for fear of someone finding out about my depression/mental state), ended up sharing for the first time in my life about my depression in my small group at church, and received physical healing from the depressive effects – something I had daily for the past 1.5years (if you have depression, you will understand the physical side effects that come with it).
Internally renewing but the outer factors remained unchanged, so my mind started to slip backwards again.

 

2012: I ‘bought’ myself some time to think and moved to Korea during summer for 3 months to pray about where God wanted me to go, but distractions and wrong company made me fall away from church and I almost gave up believing. Answerless, I returned back to Australia for a few months, but then decided to ( for the meanwhile) go back to Korea at the end of the year to pursue God SERIOUSLY ( I challenged myself, “Just how hard can I run after God?”) desperately seeking to find more and to find purpose to combat the returning negative thoughts and lack of life meaning.

 

2013: My first full year living in Korea I saturated myself – double service every Sunday at two churches for 6 months; self- Bible reading/study every day, women’s ministry, church retreats, prayer meetings, conferences, discipleship, small group/Bible study groups, EVERYTHING and anything I could get my hands on. And then my eyes began to be opened…I received the gift of tongues, truly developed a REAL, strong understanding and relationship with Christ (prior to Korea I thought I knew but really had no idea what I believed in), still made a lot of mistakes falling on my face which made me TRULY understand His grace.
I once again, started training (perhaps too much) in taekwondo, but at the same time also started to become recognised for my art (after all the many sleepless nights and hours of practise I put in) and became involved in a North Korea related business as well as design at church, but wondered if hiphop could ever become something more in my life…something that I have always loved.

 

2014: My second year led me somehow to a good bboy friend of mine Dyzee (and I mention him everywhere haha), and my whole life started leaning towards hiphop as we became buddies in hiphop ministry, ended up leading hiphop bible studies for a few months with him and another friend, organising Christian hiphop jams with Dyzee a few times as Krosswerdz Korea, started getting involved in designing hiphop Christian apparel with this said friend and other friends separately in other churches, and started leading small groups and discipleship at church (who…ME? 0__o) as a leader.
That summer, I met the Korean electro hiphop missionary team Hispop, and I began to see how hiphop could be used as a tool for Christ…

 

2015: This year I finally started to understand my identity and who I am in Christ (that I have value as a person…I have value?!), I learnt how to wake up even more to His presence, and it led me to Thailand several times to serve with Hispop for different ministries short time. For the first time, I was able to go back to Australia with less fear in my heart, and my mother began to go to church. Hallelujah!
I ended up helping my friend out with R16, the biggest hiphop/bboy championships in Korea (working for Cartel Creative as staff – an event I would have previously flown out from Australia for, an event that I paid for tickets to watch in 2012, 2013 before I even met Dyzee! Who would have guessed back then…)…and now here I am in Thailand, delving into full time mission work as I made the decision to join as a missionary with the Hispop team.

 

5 years ago if you told me I would be where I am now, as someone with the drive and determination to spread the Gospel, as someone (mostly) free of depression and suicidal thoughts which plagued me DAILY year in and year out, as someone to live in a fully Korean speaking environment in Thailand (and translate things from Korean to English – I can’t believe I can converse in another language semi proficiently), as someone in a leadership role (or was) when I refused to even speak in public or stand on stage, as someone recognised for my art and design skills as someone who is actually an optometrist by training…even thought life is still SO hard, and I’m still struggling so much in this fog…I look back as this year comes to an end and I thank you, God. I thank You for everything you have made me into, I thank You for all the blessings, all the connections, even though I couldn’t see it at the time.

 

So as 2016 (literally) starts in a few days, I pray and hope that I will continue to grow, continue to grow closer to Him, to understand and be shown where my purpose and calling is, to finally feel like I belong somewhere, and for more breakthrough. I ask every year for breakthrough and it doesn’t really come, but I’ll keep asking…please Lord? hahaha.

 

I pray that in 2016:

 

  1. I’ll be on the path to somehow get married…please? hahaha. And that all my dearest single sisters and brothers get married too (shout outs especially to my church fam in Korea)~! haha.
  2. That I’ll be fluent in Korean, quickly pick up Thai and hopefully improve my Mandarin and Cantonese FAST (fail Chinese person)…and then move onto other languages?! YAS?
  3. That God will use me in ways beyond my imagination to reach people world wide, and give me stability and concrete understand in WHAT this life is for, that I will have no doubt in my calling.
  4. BREAKTHROUGH. PREASE. THANKYOU^^

 

And I pray that for you, you who is reading this – you too, whether you believe or not – that His love, the love of Christ will transform your life, CAN transform your life into something beyond anything you can imagine.

 

2016…lets go.

 

Be blessed,

 

Beckii.
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Personal Musings

STREETLIGHTS

So as always, its been a minute since I had time to blog….and as always, a lot of…STUFF. And TRANSITION. And CHANGES have occurred. And right now, I don’t quite have enough time to write something concise YET…but best believe I got ALL sorts of things that I want to blog out right now! Swirling around in my head….

Just a short post to pimp out a recent finding of mine….STREETLIGHTS.

What is this, you ask? Let me say by saying, I have always had trouble reading my Bible. Back in my time in Australia I barely read at all…but now, I read it a lot, and I am continually pushing myself to read it more and more (per day, now that I have finally pushed myself into FINALLY keeping to daily readings), yet I STILL have trouble in feeling the depth behind the words.

The Bible is true and the Word is living – I know this full well. Yet especially in my attempts to read the Old Testament, it just seemed like…a story. I’m a visual person, but I couldn’t feel the depths of the words…until now.

With my now (improved) QT/daily devotional time in which I am finally learning how to properly meditate and THINK over the verses I am reading, combined with STREETLIGHTS…wow. God’s Word is starting to blaze, a burning fire in my heart as I am understanding more and more who He is, who WE are…and ultimately how sovereign He is over all. Wow.

So enough stalling! STREETLIGHTS is a project done by well known Christian hiphop/spoken word artists in America – an audio bible, 4 albums of books of the Bible narrated by the said artists over dope hiphop beats.

No doubt, I can’t even explain how much this has made me understand everything in SO much more depth, the power of His Word within me. And I freakin LOVE hiphop so this is WONDERFUL. Best thing? It’s FREEEEEEEE. All of it is free! Hallelujah!!

You can find the 4 albums HERE: http://www.streetlightsbible.com/downloads/

FIRE. I love ittt~!!!

That is all for now. Many things to come but the thoughts are still processing in my head…

God bless!

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

GOODBYE 2014, HELLO 2015

(written December 30th 2014)

Well. 2015 officially begins in under 2 days, and as I turn another year older in another 3 days after that, I wonder….WOW. Where did another year go!? The older I get, the faster time flies by…=/ Even looking back on my last New Years post exactly a year ago – and having then reminisced on the drastic eye opening life change I had experienced from moving from Australia – one year on, and my life AGAIN looks COMPLETELY different to how it did in 2013. I would have had no idea that my life would be where it is now, being in the situations I was in last year. God is SO GOOD.

This year has been another incredibly hard, stressful one – struggling with visa issues (of which I still am…being a foreigner in a foreign country is difficult), struggling with no income and no money (of which again, I still am struggling with….no money), struggling with church dynamics and big changes, struggling against my own psychological and self-image and identity issues which plagued my life before I came to Korea (mental health is IMPERATIVE and IMPORTANT, y’all hear mmmkay), struggling to figure out what God wants me to do and find my self-worth trying to work my hardest in as many avenues as possible, with no physical fruit to show…so many times I felt tired and frustrated and wanted to give up.

But! It is in those times of struggle and hardship that God is the most near – and throughout all my struggles, the times of desparation to grow closer to God in prayer and fasting to find answers and clarity in my season of extreme instability, I have grown IMMENSELY. Even though there is a lot of things still unanswered, even though I am still in a season of instability, even though this year has brought nothing but change, trials, hardship, more trials…even though everything in front of me is a fog and I don’t know what I am doing a lot of the time… I KNOW the Lord has been with me the whole way, I KNOW that trials shape my character and this is all training, training for the next season of my life to be prepared to BE greater, to DO greater things, all for the glory of God.

Never in my life would I have thought I would be able to have the opportunity to do more things in hiphop (as I had scarcely anyyyy friends who were into that culture like I was back home. Hiphop makes my heart sing lalalala~!!) and combine them with faith….especially as one who did not grow up in the culture itself. But! By God’s grace I have met and became friends with wonderful awesome people in the hiphop culture/kpop/entertainment industry this year who have inspired ME to work harder and improve my craft, made me proud of them for doing things to help others, to inspire and change other people’s lives, collaborating to create things to inspire others and spread God’s love through…

By God’s grace I was able to get a behind-the-scenes look at the huge bboy festival in Seoul, R16 – an event I would have flown up to see from Australia – thanks to my close friend (you are the best^^), to get to learn graffiti writing from a new and awesome pastor/rapper/graffiti artist friend, to learn Djing from and teach English to the top hiphop DJ in Korea (and to feature for like 2 seconds on one of his tracks hahaha), to experience missions in Indonesia and visit 4 provinces in a week, to discover (Korean) Christian hiphop crews and meet and talk and pray with them, to serve alongside a crew of amazing Korean missionaries evangelising through hiphop/EDM music culture in a bboy competition in Vietnam (I love you guys!!<3), to experience a taste of what a Youtube beauty blogger experience at sponsored events (thank-you my dear^^), to organise and pull of Christian hiphop events at my church and unite/meet foreign/Korean Christians in the culture and chill together, to plan with talented friends in the entertainment realm to do amazing things, to take responsibility and be in a position of leadership for the first time in my life as a severely introverted and scared person, to come closer to knowing who I am, what my identity is in Christ, to discover greater gifts in Christ and find fellow soldiers of light/brothers and sisters to serve alongside with…and so much more.

I never thought my heart could be pulled and stretched in so many ways; I never thought my heart would be MOVED by so many things and so many people. I finally know what it means to be ALIVE, to FEEL, to know emotion. My heart was so numbed and hardened over my earlier years I never thought it would be possible to make me feel “human.” I’m still not close to where I need to be….but the ice is thawing….hehehehe.

I never thought (a few years ago) I would be able to honestly say that I believe living for God is the best way and the only thing I want to be doing; but my eyes AND heart have been opened SO much more even over the course of this year. How much more will next year bring?!

…I even kind of ticked off my ‘resolutions’ from last year:

My non-exhaustive ‘resolutions’ list for 2014 would be:

1. work my butt off design wise and improve for business/church/freelance – but learn when to say ‘NO’ —> I DID work my butt off, and I DID improve….albeit I still have a long way to go to be an awesome designer. Did I learn how to say no? …kind of….not really. HAHA
2. get back to improving my Korean again. And time willing…Chinese =__= —> I did improve in Korean! A little…BUT I NEED TO LEARN SO MUCH MORE ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
3. grow in Christ – learn to love/receive love better:) —> I grew tremendously. My life is nothing without Jesus.
4. travel to Taiwan/Thailand/somewhere!! —> Not those countries; but I did go to Singapore/Indonesia/back to Australia/Vietnam….next year maybe?
5. heal from injuries and somehow get fit again… —> I am 95% healed from my injuries, after 14+ months. Praying I can start exercising next year!!

 

Of course, at the end of it all, I pray for breakthrough in this new year to come. Breakthrough in visa, my calling, income, business, relationships, EVERYTHING. I can’t deny that I’m tired, worn out and am tired of trials, even though I know everything, everything happens for a reason!

So thankyou 2014, you were another huge learning curve of which I am thankful for (breaking all them chains), but 2015 I really, truly hope you are a year of RISING.

God bless, and may 2015 be amazing for ALL of you. And ALL of me. Heheheheh.

 

Be blessed,

Beckii.

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Lyrical Wordplay

SUFFERING SERVANT

To my surprise; Jackie Hill Perry dropped her new album ‘The Art of Joy’ for FREE on HumbleBeast Records. Check it here: http://www.humblebeast.com/the-art-of-joy . True to the record label name, she is a BEAST when she speaks!

‘The Art of Joy’ includes a short spoken word track, which is so simple; yet so POWERFUL. Definitely recommend it as a listen.

Lyrics and track below:) Blessings!

Beckii.

“Some people make me sad.

They walk past me with the rattle of buried bodies in their skeletons
And I am interested in why they havent dropped them off yet
While they have gotten so comfortable with the weight of death on their backs 
And I wonder
If they have seen stars in their eyes
And moons beneath their smirk
But you can tell
That a mirror would only give them nightmares. 
And I wish I could wake them up
Untuck them from the comfort of lonely and remind them that some dreams DO come true
That a heart
With chameleon-like pain will always be that colour
Even though the past and present hunt them like a vengeful eternity
Scaring the peace out of their faith 
I place
My two fingers next to their weary hands and pinky promise them that worship
Isn’t too far from their reach
As long as they are willing to try
Willing to crawl
Their dying hope to the edge of throne of mercy
Drag their weak hearts
Into the castle skies of David’s God and beg for Him to reign there with no umbrella
Just heaven 
Disrupting the hell and prison beneath their ribcage
Filling your lungs with songs that have been too scared to fly 
It is ok
Their earthly tears will be a means for praise
And David you see your kings face and He wipes them away
So smile
Because peace is coming.”
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Personal Musings

DON’T BELIEVE THE LIES.

What are the lies that you believe about yourself? “I’m not smart enough.” “I’m not thin enough.” “I’m not GOOD enough.” “I’ll never succeed.” “I can’t do it.” …and the list goes on. How much garbage do we allow the enemy to feed to us, for us to believe it as truth? How easy is it, to let one thought poison your mind and infiltrate? And like a cancer it spreads…and the lie becomes a *part* of you.

 

My pastor here in Seoul challenged us all to give up something for 40 days in the count down to Easter – to give up something that we ‘need’ and rely on, and replace it with time/thoughts focused towards God instead (well….thats always the plan. Doesn’t always end up that way though, haha). So me, being the bread-loving, -loving, carb-loving crazie that I am, decided to give up all carbs. Something that I have indeed fasted before, but of which killed me for a LOT shorter period of time than 40 days ( my previous time was 3 weeks….daaaang that was hard)…Lord be with me! Haha.

 

So of course, now all I can think about is BREADBREADBREADBREADWAFFLESPANCAKESRICENOODLESWAFFLESPANCAKES!STOPEATINGBREADNEARMEWHATSTHATSSMELLWAFFLES!?BREADRICECAKEARGGHH. Wish I was kidding….hahaha. Okay. Kind of=P

 

This time however, although I KNOW now what it is like to deprive myself of bready goodness (or anything white, processed and nummy for that matter), to my horror my mind took a turn for the worse – something that since leaving Australia and stepping foot in Korea – has never happened. And it felt all, too, much…like ‘home’.

 

As stupid as it sounds, id been riding so long and so high on a cloud of God-given joy during my time in Seoul, that I almost forgot what it was like to feel complete hopelessness and to feel despair. Not that I haven’t had times of struggle here; but rather the first time in a long time that I felt that it was ME who was the problem…and my mind shut down.

 

So here I was, thinking that I could have possibly rid myself of my condition forever. Sure seemed like it, with smooth sailing in my head for the past year or so, my mental health pushing forward rather than back. But as a lot of you out there most likely know, the harder you try to run towards God, the faster and harder opposition attacks – and since struggling and consequently crashing in the past few weeks, I have now learnt a few things:

 

  1. Mental health issues do not just ‘disappear’ (my life wish) – in most cases, you simply learn how to live with them, and ‘control’ it better ( and battle it, at some points. I wish I had a lightsaber. And for those of you out there who think differently, Christians are as prone to psychological issues as anyone else. Christians are human like anyone else, yoo)
  2. The words and expectations of others can be VERY damaging. We need to remember that we are all made differently; we all have a different plan and purpose for our lives – what God planned for us, not what others around us want us to do and be. Our worth doesn’t lie in other people’s opinions of us! So a reminder to look to the opinion and guidance of the one who matters the most – God.
  3. Our mind is our battlefield most of the time – without the believe that we CAN, we WILL, that HE will – it is so easy to give p, so easy to be disheartened and to be stuck in limbo with no heart to push through your struggles and push forward.
  4. Being stuck with darkness in our lives SUCKS, no doubt – but without testing and situations that need patience, would we ever feel the need to trust God? Or would he be pushed to the side, stuffed back into the emergency box for when we actually need a *miracle*? So I ask myself for the billionth time…do I trust You will bring me through again, God?

 

My friend reminded me – even though this FEELS like it did in the past, I am no longer the person I was – and I have a new arsenal of weapons to go into battle with; including the knowledge that what I think IS indeed a lie. Amen to that – this is where I go and slap myself in the face and tell my brain to shut up.

 

So I am mentally recharged and moderately better from the emotional slump I was in last week; but in a way it was a good reality check on my weaknesses, and the need to stop seeking approval through other people. Whether they are out to secretly undermine you, or they love you but dont understand you, OR you just had a bad day and anything that comes out of their mouth sounds like they trying to mess with you….in the end, FORGET those lies. FORGET what the enemy tells you, its a freakin LIE. I gotta remember to look UP, to look forward. And thats it.

 

Philippians 4:13 “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

 

Ending with Andy Mineo – You Can’t Stop Me. Hehe//

 

Be blessed,

 

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

URBAN INFLUENCE.

Been thinking a lot recently about the rise of urban culture and Jesus culture lately.  Christian hiphop has definitely taken a turn for the better in recent years in America thanks to such people as Lecrae and the 116 crew, Propaganda, MC Jin, Lampmode Records etc….more and more rappers are rising up to speak words of truth and light…

And now to reside currently in Seoul, and to be in contact with influential people within the hiphop circles HERE who are believers, it makes me really think – God is DEFINITELY going to use this for His glory, and we are going to be part of something beautiful and amazing, in due time!

Definitely is going to take some time and a lot of prayer…but I can feel it. So thankful for the genuine hearts around me who want to make a change and reach out:)

 

Wrote about him time and time again, but Andy Mineo is my all time favourite 116 member and it makes me so inspired to see him spit God-infused rhymes in a non-Christian cypher enviroment – one in a local New York environment doing a dope, chilled out rendition of ‘Cocky’ ; and another in the MTV Rapfix cypher battles seen HERE!

[My favourite verses from that cypher:

“and we got no shame like Ricky Ross with his shirt off” (ROFL)

“and rap has got a manhood problem i swear, they’re just a bunch of grown boys with facial hair”

“blaspheming God with the lungs he gave oxygen, He will not be mocked, don’t you remember Sodom man?” ]

 

UNASHAMED! and thats wassup. Much respect to have that courage!

Called to be the light of the world; yet we can’t do that if we aren’t present in darkness…

 

 

 

“I’ll introduce you to Supplier, cause He don’t want your deeds boy He wants your desires
It’s hard to spit fire when you hardly get inspired by the genre you’re inside of
Everybody wanna try to be something they not, well guess what do you
I’m still covered in His blood like SuWoo”

 

FIRE!! …..hahaha alright enjoy.

 

blessings,

 

Beckii.

 

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