Personal Musings

LOVE YOURSELF: END OF YEAR MUSINGS 2017 (한국말)

monkeybear NYE 2017

So it’s that time of year again….again. Haha. Life has been so crazy and I’ve been unable to focus on very many things this year, that once again its been…a whole year since I’ve touched this blog. Once again I will attempt to sort out my thoughts and feelings and things that I felt God has taught me this year, and again try to translate it into Korean (A lil sis of mine checked it…so don’t be fooled that I have flawless Korean, haha). It’s going to be long, but please stay with me as I try to summarise a whole year, haha:)
한 해의 끝자락이 다시 왔네요……또 다시. 하하. 올해는 내 삶에 아마 가장 정신 없는 해 였던 동시에 여러가지에 정신이 분산되어 집중하기 어려웠지만 그래도 견뎌냈어요. 블로그에 글을 쓴지 일년이 훌쩍 넘어간 것 같네요. 올해도 하나님께서 가르쳐 주셨던 것과 여러가지의 생각과 감정을 한국어로 번역해보겠습니다. 약간 길 긴 하겠지만 최대한 요약해볼태니 이해해주세요. 그리고 이 번역내용은 어떤 친한동생이 확인해서 제가 올린 내용이라서…제가 한국말을 너무 잘 한다는것 아닙니다 ㅋㅋ 착각하지마세요^^

I came back to Korea in March of this year in a pretty broken state, complete with the sudden dissolution of my church community for the second time, and a very close friend falling terminally(? I hope not) ill with cancer, plus my ever present visa issues and lack of money. I came back with the absolute terror of once again facing the unknown, plagued by the voices of doubt telling me that I was going to fail – that what I want to do, the many things I dream of doing are ludicrous and stupid and that I should just be like everyone else, because that’s “the best way to go.” Physically and psychologically the anxiety took over and affected my health, which resulted in blood composition problems and frequent anxiety attacks as soon as I was overseas.
이번 3월에 한국에 다시 왔을 때는 절망을 하게 되었어요. 그때 다니던 교회도 갑자기 사라지게 되고 (이번까지 두번째로 있었던 일이지만), 너무나도 가깝게 지내던 친구 조차 희귀암 판정을 받게 되고, 여전히 내 목을 조여오는 비자 문제와 넉넉치 않은 생활자금에 엉망이 되어 버린 것 같았어요. 또 다시 미지의 세계에 직면할거라는 두려움으로 실패의 그림자가 속삭였죠. 그럴 때 마다 내 자신이 작아지고 이루고싶은꿈들이 터무니없는것이라서 그 목소리들은 저한테 가장 좋은방법은 내가 하고 싶은것보다 모든 다른 사람처럼 그냥 따라가는 것이 맞다고 말했어요. 이러한 불안감에 휩싸여 육체적으로 정신적으로 면역력이 약해지는 것을 느꼈고 해외 나갔을때에 혈액안의 성분 불균형과 문제로 불안 발작을 일으켜 힘든 나날들을 보냈어요.

So the questions (though I suppose they never really left) became louder once again. What am I doing? Why am I here? WHAT IF I FAIL? What am I supposed to do, God?!? I’ve tried my best to follow You and be obedient over the years to where You have taken me…so why is everything STILL falling apart? Am I delusional to try to believe in my dreams…do I give up? I’m tired, Lord. And I’m tired of being alone…
늘 존재하하던 부정적인 생각들은 저를 집어 삼킬 것처럼 커져만 갔고, 나 지금 뭐하는 거지? 왜 여기에 있지? 내가 실패를 하면 어떡하지? 난 도대체 뭘 해야 하는 거지? 주님!? 제가 어떻게 하면 되겠습니까? 수년간에 어디로 보내주실지 하나님을 따라가려고 엄청 노력했고 하나님께 순종하려고 최선을 다 하는데 지금도 왜 모든것이 허물어지고 있는것 같아요? 내 이루고싶은꿈을 믿으려고 노력하면 되는 것일까요? 아니면 그저 제 망상일 뿐인가요? 포기할까요? 힘들어요, 하나님. 늘 혼자 되는것도 너무나도 지쳐요…

I felt hysterical, crazy, and utterly hopeless for most of this year – at a loss of what to do. In the world’s eyes at least, I was in the last year of my 20s and I had nothing to show for it – no job, no visa, no money, no husband, no baby (everyone back at home has all of the above and more, haha), and a religious psycho for leaving behind my high paying job back in Australia for seemingly nothing.
저는 일년의 대부분을 히스테리를 부렸고 미쳐버릴거 같았고 절망도 많이 느꼈어요…제가 무엇을 해야될지 전혀 몰랐죠. 세상의 시선아래 20대의 마지막 해가 들어서 버렸네요. 아무 성과도 없는거 같아요. 직업도, 비자도, 돈도, 남편도, 아이도 없고 말이죠. 페이가 넉넉한 직업을 버리고 하느님 하나만 바라보고 가지고 있던 것을 버렸다는 이유로 내가 완전 종교에 미친 사람인것지 않을까 싶어요.

In the midst of this, God asked me, “Do you trust Me?” and at that moment – of the past 4 years running after God and trying to just focus on ministry above all – I realised all at once in HORROR, that no, I do not. I don’t trust You one bit…I trust You to bless and love all of those around me who I pray for and wish to see You bless…but me? Why would you give anything to me? What I want…doesn’t really matter, right? I don’t matter, right?
이 시간가운데 하나님은 저한테 “넌 나를 믿니?”물어봤어요. 그때 당시 4년동안 하나님을 따라 달리고 무엇보다도 사역만 집중하려고 노력하면서도 제가 경악 속에 하나님이 절대 믿지않다는것을 깨달았어요. 조금도 믿지않아요…나는 중보해주고 하나님께 축복을 받으시길 바라는 주변에 있는 친구들을 하나님이 당연히 축복해주시고 사랑해주실거라고 믿는데…저요? 저한테 왜 아무거나 주시나요? 제가 원하는것은 중요하지 않은건가요? 저도 중요하지 않죠?

So I dedicated the next 6 months (partially out of desperation, haha) to getting my relationship right with God again, and went most nights every week to church to get some quiet time with Jesus, and to clear my head. For nearly the entire 6 months, my prayer time consisted of wailing, pleading, crying, crying and more crying (seems melodramatic, but I really felt like I was in a black hole at the time), as I asked God for breakthrough, giving myself a deadline until the end of the year – and if nothing pulled through, then I would truly give up and consider leaving Korea.
그래서 그 다음 한 6개월동안 저는 약간 마음이 상한 체 하나님과 관계를 회복하는것을 전념하기로 했고 생각 좀 정리하고 기도하러 매주 일주일에 한 3~4번씩 교회 갔었어요. 그때 제 기도할때는 거의 6개월 내내 호곡하고 애걸하고 울고 또 울고 또 울기만 했었어요 (너무 과장된것 같은데 정말 희망없는 상태라고 느꼈어요….완전 밑바닥에 떨어진것 같았어요 그때). 하나님께 돌파달라고 하고 저 자신에게 연말까지 마감을 정했는데 그때까지 아무 일이 일어나지 않았으면 그땐, 한국에서 떠나는것에 대해 진지하게 고려해야겠다고 했어요.

It was then that I recieved only one thing in prayer, as God gave me the same answer to my pleas every, single time – “Don’t worry about any of that, just REST IN ME, and everything else will follow. REST IN ME. KNOW ME, and the rest will follow.”
I realised yet another thing (in horror yet again haha “REST?! What the…how do I…what is resting supposed to look like!?” – how I only JUST realised this after so many years) – that I viewed God as a reflection of how I saw my parents – and in the same way I tried to ‘earn’ my parents’ love and acknowledgement through being a workaholic for most of my teenage and adult years, that I tried to do the same thing with God…trying to ‘earn’ His love through works. That if I rested, if I did less, I would feel lazy, guilty and worthless – because only when I was useful to someone or could provide a service/give something, that I then was of value. That by sacrificing everything and only focusing on church, by going and becoming a missionary, BECAUSE of that I then would be a ‘better’ Christian and that God would love me. The horror when I realised how blinded I was to God’s unconditional love and that unbeknowingly, out of a lack of respect and love for myself I failed to see His true grace over my life. That by pushing me into this corner, God was forcing me to see myself and love myself through HIS eyes, not mine.
그때는 기도로 딱 한 가지만 받았어요. 기도로 간구할때마다 하나님께 똑 같은 응답 계속 왔어요~ “그런것에 대해 생각하지말고 내 안에 쉬으면 다른 모든 것이 될거야. 내 안에 쉬어라. 나를 잘 안다면 나머지도 따라올거야.”
그때도 단 한가지 깨달았던것이 있었어요(또 다시 한번 자신에게 너무 경악했어요 “쉬라고!? 뭐야 나…어떡해 쉬라고 할 수 있지?!” 수년 지난 후에 이제 막 깨닫는 내가 너무 당황하지않을까 싶어요). 저는 제부모님을 하나님과 똑같이 반영한 것이 잘못되었다고 느꼈죠. 어렸을 때부터 성인이 됬을때까지도 일에 올인하는 행동을 통해 부모님의 사랑과 인정을 얻으려고 노력하였으니 같은 방식으로 하나님앞에서 똑같이 하려고 했어요. 저는 쉬거나 일을 덜 한다면 너무 게으르고 쓸모없다고 생객했고 죄책감도 느꼈어요…누구에게 제가 꼭 쓸모 있는 사람이라면, 누구에게 뭘 제공하거나 줄수 있다면, 그때만 제가 가치 있는 사람이라고 생각했었죠. 모든것을 희생하고 교회에만 집중하고, 선교사로 활약을 했기에 제가 ‘더 좋은 크리스챤’될라고, 그로 인해 하나님이 나를 사랑할수 있다고 생각했어요. 정신 을 차리다보니 하나님의 무조건적인 사랑을 보지 못하는것을 깨달았고 자신을 존중하지 않고 사랑하지않으므로 저도 모르게 주님의 참된 은혜를 보지 않았어요. 저를 궁지에 몰아넣아서 강제로 깨닫게 하신 것 같아요, 제 눈이 아닌 하나님의 눈으로 제 자신을 보고 사랑하게 됐어요.

So then my prayers began to change. Instead of praying from a place of desperation, I began to replace that with extra praise, thanking God for His provision and His guidance to make myself into the best version of myself that I could be, to pray POSITIVELY about things that I wanted, to declare trust in Him and His timing. And slowly, both internally and externally, things began to change.
그래서 제 기도하는방법을 바꾸기 좀 시작했어요. 한 필사적인 자세에서 기도하는것 보다는 찬양을 더 했으며 하나님께 저를 보살펴해주시고 잘 인도해주시는것을 위해 감사한다고 표현했고, 원하는것에 대해 긍정적으로 기도했고, 하나님과 그의 타이밍을 믿겠다고 선포했어요. 그러므로 조금조금씩 내외부적으로 변화를 시작했어요.

Soon after, God started to answer little prayers here and there – much to my utter surprise…things that I needed to happen before my ‘deadline’. “Is this real? Is this really happening!??” Truthfully, the past 5 year have indeed felt like a dream – a crazy dream of living overseas, interacting with people who are vastly different from what I’m used to in Australia, working in roles vastly different from the one I ACTUALLY graduated from (work which has actually been closer to things iv wanted to and dreamt of doing but never thought possible), and so much more… even now, feeling like I have been freefalling, unable to control any aspect of my life…a testiment in itself to myself (at the very least) that everything that has happened has all been God’s doing, and not my own.
I mention this point in almost all of my blog points, so its not new news…but it blows my mind everytime I think about it, haha.
잠시후 곧, 하나님은 여기저기 조금씩 기도제목을 들어주실것 같았어요…자신에게 정했던 ‘마감시간’ 지나가기 전에 필요한일이 일어나서 너무 놀랐어요. “아 이게 현실이야? 이것 진짜 하는거야~!?” 솔직히 말하자면 이 지난 5년동안 너무 꿈만 같았어요… 호주가 아닌 해외에서, 호주에 있을때와 너무 다른 사람들을 만나고 있는, 또 제 전공과 너무 다른 직업을일하고 있는것을 포함해 많은 일이 생기는 꿈인것 같았어요. 이루지 못한다고 생각했지만, 하고싶은 꿈을 꾸고 있는일에 조금씩 다가가고 있어요. 아직까지도 제 인생의 어떤 면을 통제없어서 완전 자유 낙하하고 있는것 같아요…ㅎ 그래도 이 컨트롤 안되는 상태자체는 하나님께 증거가 아닌가 싶어요…제 힘으로 할수 있는것이 없으니깐요.
이것은 블로그를 쓸때마다 쓰는내용인데….생각할때마다 믿기지가 않은 것 같단 말이에요 ㅎㅎㅎ

God knows my heart, my desires, my dreams…yet in the moment, when I am going through the training and learning process, my flesh is weak and I doubt who He really is. And then RIGHT at His timing…I realise what the training was for, and I realise that His timing is PERFECT.
제 마음, 제 소망, 제 꿈은 다 알고 계시는데…그 훈련시간과 학습 과정 겪으면서 제 몸이 안 따라주고 하나님께 의심 많이 생긴데 딱 그의 타이밍 맞추면 저한테 왜 훈련 시켰는지 바로 알게되고 하나님의 타이밍은 완벽할수 밖에 없다고 생각하죠.

So I realise that this was my lesson this year. Do I want to be able to impact and encourage and help and love others around me to my best ability? Yes. Do I truly have any impact if I don’t actually love and respect MYSELF, if I don’t believe who God says I am FIRST? No, no I don’t. Because then I would be trying to teach something that I myself don’t believe in. And there is no power in that…
이제 그 과정은 올해의 제 교훈인것 같다고 생각해요. 제 주변 사람들에게 좋은 영향을 주고, 격려해주고 도와주고 사랑해주려고 최선을 다 하고 싶은 것이 좋은 것이 지않을까요? 물론이죠. 먼저 하나님께서 말한 제가 그사람이라고 믿지않으며 자신을 사랑하고 존중하지 않아도 정말 영향이 있나요? 당연히 없죠. 남들에게 제 자신이 믿지 못한것을 가르쳐주는거죠. 그런식으로 권세가 없다니까…

So now, in the last few weeks of my twenties(and by the time I post this, the very last moments of my twentiesㅠㅠ), my ending words are this. To you who reads this, and to myself. LOVE YOURSELF. Learn to love and respect yourself as a unique, precious human bean. Even as a Christian – putting yourself down is not humility either…its false humility, because then we disrespect that we are ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ by God (and that he created us to be awesome just as He intended). As C.S Lewis also stated, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”
그러나까 제 20대의 마지막 몇 주 지나가면서 (이 블로그를 올릴때까지 제 20대의 마지막 순간일거죠ㅠㅠ) 제 마지막 소감을 적어 내려가봤어요. 지금 읽고 있는 독자에게, 저 자신에게도, 자신을 사랑해주세요. 본인은 너무 특별하고 귀한사람으로써 자신을 사랑하고 존중해주세요. 크리스챤으로써도 자신을 깔아뭉개는것도 겸손한 행위 아니죠…거짓 겸손이죠. 하나님이 원래 의도했던대로 우리를 ‘경이롭게, 멋지게 지으셨다’라고 해서 우리는 멋진사람들이라고 믿지않으면 하나님을 좀 무시하는것이죠. 유명한 소설가 C.S루이스는 얘기했던것처럼 “진정한 겸손은. 자신을 낮게 생각하는 것이 아니라, 자신을 적게 생각하는 것이다.”

Simply, learn to love yourself and know your identity in Christ. Don’t live your life trying to become what OTHER people want you to be – know GOD, know YOURSELF. What your dreams are, what you want to do, where you want to go, what things you like, what things you dislike….and so on.
It is then, you will know your true potential as a human bean (yes, its ‘being’ i know but I’m going to write bean because I want to and because I can.), and you have the ability to inspire, encourage, help and love others in POWER:D
간단히 말하면 자신을 사랑하며 주님안에 정체성을 찾아보세요. 당신의 인생을 살아면서 타인의 시선때문에 그들이 우리 되기를 원하는것으로 성장하지말고 하나님부터 구하고, 본인이 어떤 사람인지 잘 알아야돼요. 꿈은 어떤 꿈인지, 뭘 하고싶은지, 어디 가고싶은지, 무엇을 좋아하는지, 안좋아하는지 등 잘 생각해봐야되죠.
다 알아내는후에 그때는 인간으로써 우리의 잠재력도 알게 될거고 남들에게 영향을 주고 격려해주고 응원해주고 사랑해줄수 있는 힘을 가지고 있을거에요^^

My prayer points coming into 2018:
1. Marriage (I still have a few days OKAY. Hahahaha~~~)
2. Stability (solid church family, some kind of income, visa problems SOLVED)
3. Healing (for my ill friendㅠㅠ and for my own hip problem….which has in the course of the year somehow switched over from my left hip to my right hip…)
4. More and more connections with people in the entertainment/music/fashion/design field, to be able to build real relationships.
5. More and more opportunities to work in related fields (entertainment/music/fashion/design)
6. Language skills – for my Korean to become MUCH better, to be able to also improve in Chinese (and Cantonese…)

제 2018 중보기도 제목:
1. 결혼 (뭐…시간 아직 좀 남았죠 ㅎㅎㅎㅎ)
2. 안정성 (튼튼한 교회 공동체, 어느정도 월급 받는것, 비자 문제 해결)
3. 치료력 (제 암에 걸린친구를 위해ㅠㅠ 그리고 제 여전한 골반문제를 위해….올해동안 어쩌다보니 그 아픔을 왼쪽에서 오른쪽으로 옮겼나봐요)
4. 엔터테인먼트/음악/패션/디자인쪽에 있는사람들과 관계를 더 맺을수 있도록, 진정한 관계를 맺을수 있도록
5. 그 분야에서 (엔터태인먼트/음악/패션/디자인) 일하는 기회가 더 생길수 있도록
6. 언어능력 – 한국말을 더 잘 할수 있는것뿐만 아니라 중국어/광둥어도 잘 할수 있도록

Declaring next year to be one of blessing and…less trials, please Jesus haha.
내년은 축복을 가득하고 시련이…덜 있는해가 되라고 선포합니다! …주님 제발…ㅋㅋ

God bless,
축복합니다!!

Beckii xo
베키 올림

Advertisements
Standard
Personal Musings

GOODBYE 2014, HELLO 2015

(written December 30th 2014)

Well. 2015 officially begins in under 2 days, and as I turn another year older in another 3 days after that, I wonder….WOW. Where did another year go!? The older I get, the faster time flies by…=/ Even looking back on my last New Years post exactly a year ago – and having then reminisced on the drastic eye opening life change I had experienced from moving from Australia – one year on, and my life AGAIN looks COMPLETELY different to how it did in 2013. I would have had no idea that my life would be where it is now, being in the situations I was in last year. God is SO GOOD.

This year has been another incredibly hard, stressful one – struggling with visa issues (of which I still am…being a foreigner in a foreign country is difficult), struggling with no income and no money (of which again, I still am struggling with….no money), struggling with church dynamics and big changes, struggling against my own psychological and self-image and identity issues which plagued my life before I came to Korea (mental health is IMPERATIVE and IMPORTANT, y’all hear mmmkay), struggling to figure out what God wants me to do and find my self-worth trying to work my hardest in as many avenues as possible, with no physical fruit to show…so many times I felt tired and frustrated and wanted to give up.

But! It is in those times of struggle and hardship that God is the most near – and throughout all my struggles, the times of desparation to grow closer to God in prayer and fasting to find answers and clarity in my season of extreme instability, I have grown IMMENSELY. Even though there is a lot of things still unanswered, even though I am still in a season of instability, even though this year has brought nothing but change, trials, hardship, more trials…even though everything in front of me is a fog and I don’t know what I am doing a lot of the time… I KNOW the Lord has been with me the whole way, I KNOW that trials shape my character and this is all training, training for the next season of my life to be prepared to BE greater, to DO greater things, all for the glory of God.

Never in my life would I have thought I would be able to have the opportunity to do more things in hiphop (as I had scarcely anyyyy friends who were into that culture like I was back home. Hiphop makes my heart sing lalalala~!!) and combine them with faith….especially as one who did not grow up in the culture itself. But! By God’s grace I have met and became friends with wonderful awesome people in the hiphop culture/kpop/entertainment industry this year who have inspired ME to work harder and improve my craft, made me proud of them for doing things to help others, to inspire and change other people’s lives, collaborating to create things to inspire others and spread God’s love through…

By God’s grace I was able to get a behind-the-scenes look at the huge bboy festival in Seoul, R16 – an event I would have flown up to see from Australia – thanks to my close friend (you are the best^^), to get to learn graffiti writing from a new and awesome pastor/rapper/graffiti artist friend, to learn Djing from and teach English to the top hiphop DJ in Korea (and to feature for like 2 seconds on one of his tracks hahaha), to experience missions in Indonesia and visit 4 provinces in a week, to discover (Korean) Christian hiphop crews and meet and talk and pray with them, to serve alongside a crew of amazing Korean missionaries evangelising through hiphop/EDM music culture in a bboy competition in Vietnam (I love you guys!!<3), to experience a taste of what a Youtube beauty blogger experience at sponsored events (thank-you my dear^^), to organise and pull of Christian hiphop events at my church and unite/meet foreign/Korean Christians in the culture and chill together, to plan with talented friends in the entertainment realm to do amazing things, to take responsibility and be in a position of leadership for the first time in my life as a severely introverted and scared person, to come closer to knowing who I am, what my identity is in Christ, to discover greater gifts in Christ and find fellow soldiers of light/brothers and sisters to serve alongside with…and so much more.

I never thought my heart could be pulled and stretched in so many ways; I never thought my heart would be MOVED by so many things and so many people. I finally know what it means to be ALIVE, to FEEL, to know emotion. My heart was so numbed and hardened over my earlier years I never thought it would be possible to make me feel “human.” I’m still not close to where I need to be….but the ice is thawing….hehehehe.

I never thought (a few years ago) I would be able to honestly say that I believe living for God is the best way and the only thing I want to be doing; but my eyes AND heart have been opened SO much more even over the course of this year. How much more will next year bring?!

…I even kind of ticked off my ‘resolutions’ from last year:

My non-exhaustive ‘resolutions’ list for 2014 would be:

1. work my butt off design wise and improve for business/church/freelance – but learn when to say ‘NO’ —> I DID work my butt off, and I DID improve….albeit I still have a long way to go to be an awesome designer. Did I learn how to say no? …kind of….not really. HAHA
2. get back to improving my Korean again. And time willing…Chinese =__= —> I did improve in Korean! A little…BUT I NEED TO LEARN SO MUCH MORE ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
3. grow in Christ – learn to love/receive love better:) —> I grew tremendously. My life is nothing without Jesus.
4. travel to Taiwan/Thailand/somewhere!! —> Not those countries; but I did go to Singapore/Indonesia/back to Australia/Vietnam….next year maybe?
5. heal from injuries and somehow get fit again… —> I am 95% healed from my injuries, after 14+ months. Praying I can start exercising next year!!

 

Of course, at the end of it all, I pray for breakthrough in this new year to come. Breakthrough in visa, my calling, income, business, relationships, EVERYTHING. I can’t deny that I’m tired, worn out and am tired of trials, even though I know everything, everything happens for a reason!

So thankyou 2014, you were another huge learning curve of which I am thankful for (breaking all them chains), but 2015 I really, truly hope you are a year of RISING.

God bless, and may 2015 be amazing for ALL of you. And ALL of me. Heheheheh.

 

Be blessed,

Beckii.

Standard