Personal Musings


I realise that in past 2 years, I’ve started this post off exactly the same as what I was just about to write – “So it’s that time of year again….” I guess I really am a creature of habit, ahaha. But yes, it is indeed that time of year again where I sit down and organise my thoughts and look back on what happened this year.

제가 쓸려고 했던 인트로는 지난 2년의 썼던 내용들과 정말 똑같네요. “한해의 끝자락이 다시 왔네요..”제 습관 인가봐요ㅎㅎ 그래도 앉아서 저의 많은 생각들을 정리하면서 올해의 발생한일을 돌아봐야할때가 또 다시 왔죠.

Truthfully, 2018 went by incredibly quickly. I’m still not in a place where I’m able to clearly sort out my thoughts and process everything, but I’m going to try for the sake of looking back on this in coming years and having assurance that there is a reason for everything.

사실, 2018년이 너무 빨리 지나갔어요.일어난 모든 일에 대해 너무 명확히 생각하고 잘 정리할수 없지만, 앞으로 몇년간 후에 다시 뒤돌아볼때 모든것에는 이유가 있다는 확신을 느낄수 있도록 노력하겠어요.

If I look at everything I accomplished this year from a ‘worldly’ point of view, I’m not sure what I have to show, haha. Nothing? I am not sure, to be honest. If last year was one of learning to rest in God and finding my worth NOT according to how much I earn, what my social status is or what job I hold….but rather seeing myself through His eyes, not my own – then this year was one step further – to hold on to that worth and learn to trust God in a season where even more was stripped away, and I needed to find my own faith without the reliance on the friends around me, a church, or anything else.

올 한해의 성취던것을’세상적인’관점으로 보면 제가 보여드릴수 있는것을 뭔지 모르겠어요, ㅎㅎㅎ.아무것도 없나?잘 모르겠다는 사실이에요.

작년에 돈을 얼마나 벌든 사회적 지위가 어떻게 되든 직업이 가지고 있든지 이런것에 상관없이 저의 가치라는것을 자기의 눈 아니라…하나님 시선으로 이해하며 하나님 안에 거하라는것을 배운해이었다면 올해는 다음 단계인것 같아요. 이 가치라는것을 붙잡고 더~~ 많은 것을 빼앗길 시즌가운데 친구, 교회,다른것 없이 저의 개인적인 신앙을 찾아야겠다는것.

After MONTHS of study and prep and high tension stress, my visa application rejected once again. No visa stability for the 7th year? Ready to throw a table.
The church I was attending and investing myself into destroyed itself a few months prior; my 3rd church break in the 5 years I’ve been in Korea (6th year overseas). Do I want to go to church anymore? Not really, but trying to push myself to.
Tired and burnt out from trauma, stress and hard circumstances – close, close friends, many of which I consider family who have been in Korea much longer than I – left in masses this year, or plan to leave next year. An exodus. Time to find new community…again. Still ‘alone’. (dammit…I’m getting old…) Should I give up and leave? I want to, haha….but that’s not the answer.

몇 달 동 너무 열심히 공부하고 준비하고 몸이 아프게 된정도로 스트레스를 받은다음에, 저의 비자신청은 거부당했어요. 7년째 비자에 대한 불안을 느껴야되나요?밥상을 뒤집고 싶은 심정이었어요.

오랫동안 마음을 다해 다녔던 교회는 먗달전에 망가졌어요 -한국에 있는5년동안(해외에 사는지6년째) 3번째 겪었던 교회가 분리된 일이었어요.더 이상 교회 가고싶은마음이 있나요?아니요, 별로 없지만….계속 나가려고 노력하고 있어요.

피곤하고 그 동안 겪었던 트라우마때문에 지치고,스트레스과 힘든상황을 많이 경험했기때문에 저보다 한국에 오래 사는 가족처럼 여기는 수많은 친한친구들이 올해 떠났어요.내년에, 다른친구들 또 떠날거고요. 완전 대탈출. 또,새로운 공동체를 찾아야겠어요.아직까지 ‘혼자서’지내요 (힝…너무 늙어지고 있음). 저도 포기하고 떠날까요? 마음 한구석에 정말 원하는데ㅎㅎㅎ정답 아니지만…

So much happened this year, yet at the same time when I look back, only one thing really sticks out in my mind, the thing that hit home the hardest – the passing of my dear friend, Keith.

올해에 수많은 일이 일어나지만 한편으로 뒤돌아보니까 정말 충격받았던일,제 기억속에 생생하게 남아있는 유일한 일은 저의 사랑하는 친구가 Keith이 돌아가신다는것.

Keith was one of the very first friends who quickly became family to my scared lil introvert ass when I came to Korea at the end of 2012. As anyone knows who has seen my 180 degree transformation over the past few years living overseas – back then my fear of people and my non existent self esteem made me seem very antisocial and nervous, and I would often cower and run away from any social interaction past a ‘hello’.

Despite this, Keith (and other friends who became family) relentlessly pursued in love – greeting me with opens arms and a big smile every Sunday at church, inviting me to hang out at his house with others, or random board game nights, movie nights and dinners – very, very frequently. Due to my insecurities and social fear I rejected these invitations more often than not, which I now deeply, deeply regret – but I was always thankful that I was thought of and cared for, even though I could not express just how grateful I was. I felt loved, and it meant SO much to me.

2012년말에 걱정이 많고 두려움으로 가득 차 있는제가 한국으로 왔었을때 Keith는 빨리 가족이 된 첫친구들중에 하나이었어요.해외에서 지난 몇년간 살아가면서 저의 완전 변신한것을 보는 친구이라면 누구나 아시다시피 그때는 심각한 낯가림과 거의 없는 자신감을 가지고 있는 제가 다른사람들에게 진짜 반사회적이고 되게 긴장한 사람처럼 보일수도 있었고, “안녕”보다 더 깊이 들어갈수 있는 사회적 상호작용을 피하고 도망하곤 했어요.

그럼에도 불구하고 Keith(과 다른 가족이 될친구들)는 하나님의 사랑으로 끊임없이 저한테 다가왔어요.주일마다 교회에서 Keith는 함박웃음을 지으면서 저를 너무 반갑게 아주셨고,다른 친구들과 그의집에 초대하셨고,같이 게임을 하거나 영화를 보거나 밥을 자고 자꾸 불러주셨어요. 지금 많이~~~후회하지만 저의 불안과 대인 기피증때분에 이런 초대를 자주 거부하게 되었어요. 얼마나 감사하는지 잘 표현할수 없었지만 누구든 저를 생각해주고 챙겨주셨으면 너무 감사해요. 사랑을 잘 느꼈고, 저에게 큰 의미가 있었고요.

I may not have shown it well, but who I am today, is the fruit of the love I received then.

티가 안났었지만,그때 받았던 사랑때문에 오늘의 나란사람의 열매를 맺게 되었어요.

When I became part of leadership at the church we all attended back then, Keith and the rest of us on leadership went through many, many hardships together – it was in these moments that (as foreigners in a country not our own) we all became closer – holding our own prayer meetings and praying for the nation and our circumstances, praying FOR each other – and it was then that not only did our own individual relationships with God strengthen, but I then really felt like we were family, holding hands and standing together in the midst of our storms.

그때 다니고 있었던 교회의 리더십팀에 들어갔었을때 저랑 Keith이랑 우리 리더끼리는 많은 시련을 같이 겪었는데 이런 힘든시간들가운데 다른 나라에 사는 외국인들로써 우리 많이 친해졌어요. 기도모임을 따로 하며 이땅과 우리의 현재 사황을위해 기도했고,서로를위해 기도해줬고요.우리가 하나님과의 개인적인 관계들이 튼튼해지는것을 볼수 있을뿐만 아니라 그제서야 정말 가족이라고 느꼈어요 – 우리의 폭풍이 한창일 때에 손을 잡고 같이 버티고 있다는것.

Although older than a lot of us, Keith had the aura of a playful little brother – a cheeky smile plastered on his face, always cracking jokes and always, always playing video games (although I have never seen ANYONE make gaming into a source of revenue like he somehow was able to, haha). Amongst us he was the ‘princess’, who although having been in Korea for many years could not string together anything too much more than “Annyeonghaseyo” and “(insert food item here) juseyo” in a heavy American accent, who often woke up late and rocked up late to leadership meetings.

우리 대부분보다 나이 좀 더 많지만 Keith는 깜찍한 남동생처럼 여길수 있었어요.천진한 미소를 지으면서 늘 장난을 치고 늘 비디오 게임을 열심히 하고 있는 그런사람이었어요(그리고 다른사람들과 달리 게임하는것에서 그렇게 엄청난 수익을 얻는것을 처음 봤어요~!ㅋㅋ).우리 친구들중에 Keith는 ‘공주’이라는호칭이 있었고 한국에서 수년간 살고 있어도 서투른 발음으로 “안녕하세요”과 “(어떤 음식을 추가요) 주세요” 밖에 얘기할수 없으며 늦게 일어나서 리더십 회의에 자꾸 지각한 그런 친구이었어요.

But in April 2017 when Keith got diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma, his particular type being the rarest form of cancer in the world (less than 300 cases worldwise), he showed us all a strength and faith, greater than ANYONE could imagine. I mentioned this already on my Instagram post when he passed away, but in his sickness and facing his own death, Keith showed a maturity far beyond what any of us could have possibly possessed.

그러나 2017년4월에 평활근육종 진단을 받았을때 (세상에서 이 암이 300명 이하 발생해서 이런 병은 가장 희귀한 암이라고 알게되었어요) Keith는 우리 모두 예상한것 이상 너무 특별한 힘과 신앙을 보여주셨어요. 그가 돌아가셨을때 저의 인스타그램에서 이미 얘기했지만,암과 투병하고 자기의 죽음에 직면하면서 Keith는 일반사람들이 가질수 있는보다 훨씬 더 큰 성숙함을 보여주셨어요.

Keith never stopped praising God, never stopped declaring his love for Jesus, never wavered in his confidence that Jesus was his Lord and Saviour and that He would take Keith home, even if it mean his time here was ending soon. Keith did not stop to encourage others and praise others from his hospital bed, nor forgo the Gospel – but instead was even more insistent to others on living a life FOR Christ – coming from someone who was facing his own death. 
Even in his own pain and as his body became weaker and weaker, Keith thought of others above himself.
 He discipled a brother in Christ up until 2 weeks before his own death, and until he became physically too weak to speak – he boldly prayed for others to come to Christ. As a dying man, Keith knew that I have terrible back pain…yet kept thinking of how he could help me get a proper mattress…when my issue is incomparable to what his was….T_T

Keith는 계속해서 하나님을 경배하고 찬양했었고, 예수님을 향한 사랑을 끊임없이 선포했었고, 죽든지 살든지 예수님이 그의주와 구원자이라는것과 하나님께서 천국을 데리고 가주신다는자신감을 한번도 잃지않았어요. 병원의침대에서도 하나님의복음을 잃지않았고 끊임없이 다른사람들을 격려하고 칭찬해줬는데 심지어 주님을위한인생을 살아야된다고 더 강조했어요. 자기의 죽음에 직면하는Keith…

본인의 육체가 점점 약해지고 있고 많은아픔에도 불구하고 자신보다 다른사람들을 먼저 생각하는Keith.
 자기의 죽기 2주전까지 한 형제에게 (예수님의)제자 훈련을 시켰고, 자기가 육체적으로 말을 못할때까지 다른사람들이 예수님을 알수 있도록 열심히 기도했었어요. 죽어가는 사람으로써 Keith는 저의 심한 요통에 대해 잘 알고 있었는데 자기의 상황보다 제가 좋은 매트리스를 살수 있기를 어떻게 도와주실지 더 많이 생각한것 같았어요…저의 문제가 자기 문제과 비교가 안되는데…ㅠㅠ

Even in his sickness – Keith inspired me to run harder for Christ, and rather than me being an encouragement to him – a visit to the hospital would be a ray of sunshine into my heart, every single time. Thank you Lord, for allowing Keith into my life. Thank you, for Keith’s sunny and bright attitude…right up until the day he passed. I have never seen anyone live like Keith did, and I have NEVER seen anyone die like Keith did.

힘든 투병에도 불구하고 Keith는 저에게 예수님을 향해 달려가는 더 많은 열정을 가지게 해주었어요.

제가 Keith를 격려하러 병원에 갈 때마다 오히려 케이트가 저에게 많은 영감을 주었고 저는 마음의 빛을 안고 돌아왔어요. 하나님….감사합니다.  Keith를 제 삶에 주셔서, 친구로 만날 수 있게 해주셔서, 죽을때까지…너무 밝고 훌륭한 모습을 가진 그를 볼 수 있게 해주셔서 감사합니다. Keith만큼 인생을 살 수 있는사람을 본적이 없고, Keith만큼 인생을 마감하며 하나님 품으로 돌아가는 사람을 본 적이 없어요..

Keith went home to be with the Lord on June 12th, 2018 – one day short of his 4th wedding anniversary with his beautiful wife, and exactly one week short of his 38th birthday.

2018년6월12일에 하나님께서 Keith를 천국으로 불러주셨어요. 너무 아름다우신 와이프랑 4년째 결혼기념 하루전이고, 38번째 생일 딱 일주일전이었어요.

I think….more than me feeling hopeless in my own personal circumstances, Keith’s circumstance was the most painful to deal with – I failed to express it well – although consistently praying for him nearly every single day for the duration of his sickness, whether at home or at early morning prayer – but faced with the reality that Keith may really die shook my entire existence. Everything felt (and still does) like some twisted dream – so proud of his faith, but so full of hysteria at how the ground beneath me was breaking.

지금 생각해보니까…저의 개인사정때문에 너무 절망이라고 느끼는것보다 친한친구로써 Keith의상황을 감당하는것 더 힘들었더라고요.저는 또 다시 잘 표현 못했지만…아플때동안 집이든 새벽기도든 거의 매일 내내 Keith를위해 기도했지만 이 친구에게 정말 죽음이 다가왔다는 사실이 저한테 가장 충격적이었어요.

그때는(지금도)악몽을 꾸고 있는 것 같았어요 – Keith의 믿음이 너무 자랑스러웠지만, 저는 마음이 너무 힘들었고 세상이 흔들리는 기분이었어요.

Keith, like all of us who were close to you – I love you and miss you. Thank you for being my friend…thank you for being my family T___T It’s hard to not feel empty now, but like you – may I run harder for the prize that is eternal.

Keith,자기와 다른 친한친구들과 같이 너무 보고싶고,사랑합니다.나의 친구가 되어주셔서…너무 감사합니다. 나의 가족이 되어주셔서…너무 감사합니다ㅠㅠ 때로는 허전하고 힘들때도 있지만 , Keith처럼 내가 그 영원한 상을 향해 더 열심히 뛰기를 바래요.

So, as frightening as the fast approaching new year seems…I guess, a new season is coming. So many friends have left and gone, so many will leave next year too – and my heart gets a little bit heavier with each goodbye. Can I do this…on my own…?T_T

But I know that nothing is wasted by God, and that all of us are being led on our own journeys. I need to know what my own journey is, without someone else telling me what they think it is. And, we are forever family, even if the ones I hold dear do not live in the same country as me.

그래서 빨리 다가올 새해가 다가올수록 겁을 먹는것 같긴한데, 새로운 시즌이 다가 온다고 생각해요. 그래서 많은 친구들이 떠나가고 더 많은 친구들이 내년에 떠날것 같아요. 작별 인사를 할때마가 제 마음 점점 무거워지는거 같아요. 내가 과연 혼자서 잘 할수있을까?ㅠㅠ 하면서 말이에요.

그러나 하나님이 모든 것을 사용하시고 우리의 각자 자리에서 하나님이 우리를 인도하실거라 믿어요.그 누구가 뭐하고 하던 말이에요. 저는 소중하게 여기는사람들이 같은나라에서 살지않더라도 영원한 가족으로써 늘 연결 되어있다는부분도 기억할거고요.

Some doors have opened leading into next year which could hopefully help me visa and vision wise…but I am scared it’s going to be another trial in disguise; that I’ll open the door, God will punch me in the face and be like “SURPRISE!!! Welcome to your next round of training and hardships!” Haha…Lord, help me to believe! I have no strength left.

비자와 사명에 관해 내년으로 이어지는 도와줄 문들이 열리게 되었는데…또 다시 어떤 위장한 시련일까봐 무서워요. 그문을 열리다가 하나님이 저 얼굴을 때리고 “서프라이즈~!!다음 단계의 훈련과 고난에 오신것을 환영합니다!”ㅎㅎㅎ….주님,믿을수 있기를 도와주세요! 힘은 하나도 남지않았어요.

Trying to let go of my fear and anxiety, one day at a time. I want to declare that I believe 2019 to be great, but I don’t think I can lie haha. Rather than that, trying to focus on surrendering everything to God as best as I can with each passing day, to rediscover my faith and believe that maybe, good things will mayyybe come. Please Jesus?

하루하루 조금씩 저의 두려움과 불안을 버리려고 노력하는중이에요. 2019년이 좋은 한해일거라고 선포하고 싶지만….솔직하면 말하면 조금 두려워요. 그것보다는 가능한 한 하나님앞에 제 모든것을 나날이 내려놓을수 있도록 노력하고 있고, 저의 믿음이라는것을 재발견하며 아마…아 좋은일들이 생길수도있다고 믿고싶어요.주님?

2019’s prayers (sigh I feel more cynical with each passing year but ANYWAY, haha here goes):
2019년도 기도제목 (시간 지나면 지날수록 점점 내소적이지고 있지만ㅎㅎ아무튼)

  1. Stability (visa/finances/a dude haha)
  2. Health (stress management, decrease of chronic pain, hopefully lose weight, back into sports/exercise?)
    건강(스트레스 관리, 만성통증 줄임, 살 빼기, 운동 다시 시작할수 있도록)
  3. Relationship with God (understanding the true Gospel and living it out as a missionary)
    하나님과의 관계 (참된복음을 잘 이해하면서 선교사로써 펼쳐질수 있도록)
  4. Doors opening towards calling/purpose (you know if you know, if you don’t…nevermind^^)
    부르심/사명을 향한 문들을 열림 (무슨말 알고 있으면 이해할거고,모르면…몰라도 돼요^^)
  5. My own personal goals to develop and grow and if possible, expode into something awesome^^
    개인적인 목적들을 발전하고 성장하고 가능하다면 폭발하여 좋은것으로 될수 있도록^^
  6. My language skills to improve – Korean, but also FINALLY Mandarin/Cantonese
    저의 언어실력 늘어남 -한국어를 비롯해 중국어과 광둥어
  7. Loved ones and family to come to Christ<3
    사랑하는사람들과 가족분들이 예수님을 영접하도록^^

May you all have a blessed festive season, and may 2019 bring happiness, joy, and an intimacy with Jesus Christ:)
모두에게 너무 축복된 명절시즌 보내시고, 2019년에도 행복,기쁨 그리고 예수님과 친밀함을 잘 느낄수 있기를 축복합니다:)

Be blessed,


Personal Musings


monkeybear NYE 2017

So it’s that time of year again….again. Haha. Life has been so crazy and I’ve been unable to focus on very many things this year, that once again its been…a whole year since I’ve touched this blog. Once again I will attempt to sort out my thoughts and feelings and things that I felt God has taught me this year, and again try to translate it into Korean (A lil sis of mine checked it…so don’t be fooled that I have flawless Korean, haha). It’s going to be long, but please stay with me as I try to summarise a whole year, haha:)
한 해의 끝자락이 다시 왔네요……또 다시. 하하. 올해는 내 삶에 아마 가장 정신 없는 해 였던 동시에 여러가지에 정신이 분산되어 집중하기 어려웠지만 그래도 견뎌냈어요. 블로그에 글을 쓴지 일년이 훌쩍 넘어간 것 같네요. 올해도 하나님께서 가르쳐 주셨던 것과 여러가지의 생각과 감정을 한국어로 번역해보겠습니다. 약간 길 긴 하겠지만 최대한 요약해볼태니 이해해주세요. 그리고 이 번역내용은 어떤 친한동생이 확인해서 제가 올린 내용이라서…제가 한국말을 너무 잘 한다는것 아닙니다 ㅋㅋ 착각하지마세요^^

I came back to Korea in March of this year in a pretty broken state, complete with the sudden dissolution of my church community for the second time, and a very close friend falling terminally(? I hope not) ill with cancer, plus my ever present visa issues and lack of money. I came back with the absolute terror of once again facing the unknown, plagued by the voices of doubt telling me that I was going to fail – that what I want to do, the many things I dream of doing are ludicrous and stupid and that I should just be like everyone else, because that’s “the best way to go.” Physically and psychologically the anxiety took over and affected my health, which resulted in blood composition problems and frequent anxiety attacks as soon as I was overseas.
이번 3월에 한국에 다시 왔을 때는 절망을 하게 되었어요. 그때 다니던 교회도 갑자기 사라지게 되고 (이번까지 두번째로 있었던 일이지만), 너무나도 가깝게 지내던 친구 조차 희귀암 판정을 받게 되고, 여전히 내 목을 조여오는 비자 문제와 넉넉치 않은 생활자금에 엉망이 되어 버린 것 같았어요. 또 다시 미지의 세계에 직면할거라는 두려움으로 실패의 그림자가 속삭였죠. 그럴 때 마다 내 자신이 작아지고 이루고싶은꿈들이 터무니없는것이라서 그 목소리들은 저한테 가장 좋은방법은 내가 하고 싶은것보다 모든 다른 사람처럼 그냥 따라가는 것이 맞다고 말했어요. 이러한 불안감에 휩싸여 육체적으로 정신적으로 면역력이 약해지는 것을 느꼈고 해외 나갔을때에 혈액안의 성분 불균형과 문제로 불안 발작을 일으켜 힘든 나날들을 보냈어요.

So the questions (though I suppose they never really left) became louder once again. What am I doing? Why am I here? WHAT IF I FAIL? What am I supposed to do, God?!? I’ve tried my best to follow You and be obedient over the years to where You have taken me…so why is everything STILL falling apart? Am I delusional to try to believe in my dreams…do I give up? I’m tired, Lord. And I’m tired of being alone…
늘 존재하하던 부정적인 생각들은 저를 집어 삼킬 것처럼 커져만 갔고, 나 지금 뭐하는 거지? 왜 여기에 있지? 내가 실패를 하면 어떡하지? 난 도대체 뭘 해야 하는 거지? 주님!? 제가 어떻게 하면 되겠습니까? 수년간에 어디로 보내주실지 하나님을 따라가려고 엄청 노력했고 하나님께 순종하려고 최선을 다 하는데 지금도 왜 모든것이 허물어지고 있는것 같아요? 내 이루고싶은꿈을 믿으려고 노력하면 되는 것일까요? 아니면 그저 제 망상일 뿐인가요? 포기할까요? 힘들어요, 하나님. 늘 혼자 되는것도 너무나도 지쳐요…

I felt hysterical, crazy, and utterly hopeless for most of this year – at a loss of what to do. In the world’s eyes at least, I was in the last year of my 20s and I had nothing to show for it – no job, no visa, no money, no husband, no baby (everyone back at home has all of the above and more, haha), and a religious psycho for leaving behind my high paying job back in Australia for seemingly nothing.
저는 일년의 대부분을 히스테리를 부렸고 미쳐버릴거 같았고 절망도 많이 느꼈어요…제가 무엇을 해야될지 전혀 몰랐죠. 세상의 시선아래 20대의 마지막 해가 들어서 버렸네요. 아무 성과도 없는거 같아요. 직업도, 비자도, 돈도, 남편도, 아이도 없고 말이죠. 페이가 넉넉한 직업을 버리고 하느님 하나만 바라보고 가지고 있던 것을 버렸다는 이유로 내가 완전 종교에 미친 사람인것지 않을까 싶어요.

In the midst of this, God asked me, “Do you trust Me?” and at that moment – of the past 4 years running after God and trying to just focus on ministry above all – I realised all at once in HORROR, that no, I do not. I don’t trust You one bit…I trust You to bless and love all of those around me who I pray for and wish to see You bless…but me? Why would you give anything to me? What I want…doesn’t really matter, right? I don’t matter, right?
이 시간가운데 하나님은 저한테 “넌 나를 믿니?”물어봤어요. 그때 당시 4년동안 하나님을 따라 달리고 무엇보다도 사역만 집중하려고 노력하면서도 제가 경악 속에 하나님이 절대 믿지않다는것을 깨달았어요. 조금도 믿지않아요…나는 중보해주고 하나님께 축복을 받으시길 바라는 주변에 있는 친구들을 하나님이 당연히 축복해주시고 사랑해주실거라고 믿는데…저요? 저한테 왜 아무거나 주시나요? 제가 원하는것은 중요하지 않은건가요? 저도 중요하지 않죠?

So I dedicated the next 6 months (partially out of desperation, haha) to getting my relationship right with God again, and went most nights every week to church to get some quiet time with Jesus, and to clear my head. For nearly the entire 6 months, my prayer time consisted of wailing, pleading, crying, crying and more crying (seems melodramatic, but I really felt like I was in a black hole at the time), as I asked God for breakthrough, giving myself a deadline until the end of the year – and if nothing pulled through, then I would truly give up and consider leaving Korea.
그래서 그 다음 한 6개월동안 저는 약간 마음이 상한 체 하나님과 관계를 회복하는것을 전념하기로 했고 생각 좀 정리하고 기도하러 매주 일주일에 한 3~4번씩 교회 갔었어요. 그때 제 기도할때는 거의 6개월 내내 호곡하고 애걸하고 울고 또 울고 또 울기만 했었어요 (너무 과장된것 같은데 정말 희망없는 상태라고 느꼈어요….완전 밑바닥에 떨어진것 같았어요 그때). 하나님께 돌파달라고 하고 저 자신에게 연말까지 마감을 정했는데 그때까지 아무 일이 일어나지 않았으면 그땐, 한국에서 떠나는것에 대해 진지하게 고려해야겠다고 했어요.

It was then that I recieved only one thing in prayer, as God gave me the same answer to my pleas every, single time – “Don’t worry about any of that, just REST IN ME, and everything else will follow. REST IN ME. KNOW ME, and the rest will follow.”
I realised yet another thing (in horror yet again haha “REST?! What the…how do I…what is resting supposed to look like!?” – how I only JUST realised this after so many years) – that I viewed God as a reflection of how I saw my parents – and in the same way I tried to ‘earn’ my parents’ love and acknowledgement through being a workaholic for most of my teenage and adult years, that I tried to do the same thing with God…trying to ‘earn’ His love through works. That if I rested, if I did less, I would feel lazy, guilty and worthless – because only when I was useful to someone or could provide a service/give something, that I then was of value. That by sacrificing everything and only focusing on church, by going and becoming a missionary, BECAUSE of that I then would be a ‘better’ Christian and that God would love me. The horror when I realised how blinded I was to God’s unconditional love and that unbeknowingly, out of a lack of respect and love for myself I failed to see His true grace over my life. That by pushing me into this corner, God was forcing me to see myself and love myself through HIS eyes, not mine.
그때는 기도로 딱 한 가지만 받았어요. 기도로 간구할때마다 하나님께 똑 같은 응답 계속 왔어요~ “그런것에 대해 생각하지말고 내 안에 쉬으면 다른 모든 것이 될거야. 내 안에 쉬어라. 나를 잘 안다면 나머지도 따라올거야.”
그때도 단 한가지 깨달았던것이 있었어요(또 다시 한번 자신에게 너무 경악했어요 “쉬라고!? 뭐야 나…어떡해 쉬라고 할 수 있지?!” 수년 지난 후에 이제 막 깨닫는 내가 너무 당황하지않을까 싶어요). 저는 제부모님을 하나님과 똑같이 반영한 것이 잘못되었다고 느꼈죠. 어렸을 때부터 성인이 됬을때까지도 일에 올인하는 행동을 통해 부모님의 사랑과 인정을 얻으려고 노력하였으니 같은 방식으로 하나님앞에서 똑같이 하려고 했어요. 저는 쉬거나 일을 덜 한다면 너무 게으르고 쓸모없다고 생객했고 죄책감도 느꼈어요…누구에게 제가 꼭 쓸모 있는 사람이라면, 누구에게 뭘 제공하거나 줄수 있다면, 그때만 제가 가치 있는 사람이라고 생각했었죠. 모든것을 희생하고 교회에만 집중하고, 선교사로 활약을 했기에 제가 ‘더 좋은 크리스챤’될라고, 그로 인해 하나님이 나를 사랑할수 있다고 생각했어요. 정신 을 차리다보니 하나님의 무조건적인 사랑을 보지 못하는것을 깨달았고 자신을 존중하지 않고 사랑하지않으므로 저도 모르게 주님의 참된 은혜를 보지 않았어요. 저를 궁지에 몰아넣아서 강제로 깨닫게 하신 것 같아요, 제 눈이 아닌 하나님의 눈으로 제 자신을 보고 사랑하게 됐어요.

So then my prayers began to change. Instead of praying from a place of desperation, I began to replace that with extra praise, thanking God for His provision and His guidance to make myself into the best version of myself that I could be, to pray POSITIVELY about things that I wanted, to declare trust in Him and His timing. And slowly, both internally and externally, things began to change.
그래서 제 기도하는방법을 바꾸기 좀 시작했어요. 한 필사적인 자세에서 기도하는것 보다는 찬양을 더 했으며 하나님께 저를 보살펴해주시고 잘 인도해주시는것을 위해 감사한다고 표현했고, 원하는것에 대해 긍정적으로 기도했고, 하나님과 그의 타이밍을 믿겠다고 선포했어요. 그러므로 조금조금씩 내외부적으로 변화를 시작했어요.

Soon after, God started to answer little prayers here and there – much to my utter surprise…things that I needed to happen before my ‘deadline’. “Is this real? Is this really happening!??” Truthfully, the past 5 year have indeed felt like a dream – a crazy dream of living overseas, interacting with people who are vastly different from what I’m used to in Australia, working in roles vastly different from the one I ACTUALLY graduated from (work which has actually been closer to things iv wanted to and dreamt of doing but never thought possible), and so much more… even now, feeling like I have been freefalling, unable to control any aspect of my life…a testiment in itself to myself (at the very least) that everything that has happened has all been God’s doing, and not my own.
I mention this point in almost all of my blog points, so its not new news…but it blows my mind everytime I think about it, haha.
잠시후 곧, 하나님은 여기저기 조금씩 기도제목을 들어주실것 같았어요…자신에게 정했던 ‘마감시간’ 지나가기 전에 필요한일이 일어나서 너무 놀랐어요. “아 이게 현실이야? 이것 진짜 하는거야~!?” 솔직히 말하자면 이 지난 5년동안 너무 꿈만 같았어요… 호주가 아닌 해외에서, 호주에 있을때와 너무 다른 사람들을 만나고 있는, 또 제 전공과 너무 다른 직업을일하고 있는것을 포함해 많은 일이 생기는 꿈인것 같았어요. 이루지 못한다고 생각했지만, 하고싶은 꿈을 꾸고 있는일에 조금씩 다가가고 있어요. 아직까지도 제 인생의 어떤 면을 통제없어서 완전 자유 낙하하고 있는것 같아요…ㅎ 그래도 이 컨트롤 안되는 상태자체는 하나님께 증거가 아닌가 싶어요…제 힘으로 할수 있는것이 없으니깐요.
이것은 블로그를 쓸때마다 쓰는내용인데….생각할때마다 믿기지가 않은 것 같단 말이에요 ㅎㅎㅎ

God knows my heart, my desires, my dreams…yet in the moment, when I am going through the training and learning process, my flesh is weak and I doubt who He really is. And then RIGHT at His timing…I realise what the training was for, and I realise that His timing is PERFECT.
제 마음, 제 소망, 제 꿈은 다 알고 계시는데…그 훈련시간과 학습 과정 겪으면서 제 몸이 안 따라주고 하나님께 의심 많이 생긴데 딱 그의 타이밍 맞추면 저한테 왜 훈련 시켰는지 바로 알게되고 하나님의 타이밍은 완벽할수 밖에 없다고 생각하죠.

So I realise that this was my lesson this year. Do I want to be able to impact and encourage and help and love others around me to my best ability? Yes. Do I truly have any impact if I don’t actually love and respect MYSELF, if I don’t believe who God says I am FIRST? No, no I don’t. Because then I would be trying to teach something that I myself don’t believe in. And there is no power in that…
이제 그 과정은 올해의 제 교훈인것 같다고 생각해요. 제 주변 사람들에게 좋은 영향을 주고, 격려해주고 도와주고 사랑해주려고 최선을 다 하고 싶은 것이 좋은 것이 지않을까요? 물론이죠. 먼저 하나님께서 말한 제가 그사람이라고 믿지않으며 자신을 사랑하고 존중하지 않아도 정말 영향이 있나요? 당연히 없죠. 남들에게 제 자신이 믿지 못한것을 가르쳐주는거죠. 그런식으로 권세가 없다니까…

So now, in the last few weeks of my twenties(and by the time I post this, the very last moments of my twentiesㅠㅠ), my ending words are this. To you who reads this, and to myself. LOVE YOURSELF. Learn to love and respect yourself as a unique, precious human bean. Even as a Christian – putting yourself down is not humility either…its false humility, because then we disrespect that we are ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ by God (and that he created us to be awesome just as He intended). As C.S Lewis also stated, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”
그러나까 제 20대의 마지막 몇 주 지나가면서 (이 블로그를 올릴때까지 제 20대의 마지막 순간일거죠ㅠㅠ) 제 마지막 소감을 적어 내려가봤어요. 지금 읽고 있는 독자에게, 저 자신에게도, 자신을 사랑해주세요. 본인은 너무 특별하고 귀한사람으로써 자신을 사랑하고 존중해주세요. 크리스챤으로써도 자신을 깔아뭉개는것도 겸손한 행위 아니죠…거짓 겸손이죠. 하나님이 원래 의도했던대로 우리를 ‘경이롭게, 멋지게 지으셨다’라고 해서 우리는 멋진사람들이라고 믿지않으면 하나님을 좀 무시하는것이죠. 유명한 소설가 C.S루이스는 얘기했던것처럼 “진정한 겸손은. 자신을 낮게 생각하는 것이 아니라, 자신을 적게 생각하는 것이다.”

Simply, learn to love yourself and know your identity in Christ. Don’t live your life trying to become what OTHER people want you to be – know GOD, know YOURSELF. What your dreams are, what you want to do, where you want to go, what things you like, what things you dislike….and so on.
It is then, you will know your true potential as a human bean (yes, its ‘being’ i know but I’m going to write bean because I want to and because I can.), and you have the ability to inspire, encourage, help and love others in POWER:D
간단히 말하면 자신을 사랑하며 주님안에 정체성을 찾아보세요. 당신의 인생을 살아면서 타인의 시선때문에 그들이 우리 되기를 원하는것으로 성장하지말고 하나님부터 구하고, 본인이 어떤 사람인지 잘 알아야돼요. 꿈은 어떤 꿈인지, 뭘 하고싶은지, 어디 가고싶은지, 무엇을 좋아하는지, 안좋아하는지 등 잘 생각해봐야되죠.
다 알아내는후에 그때는 인간으로써 우리의 잠재력도 알게 될거고 남들에게 영향을 주고 격려해주고 응원해주고 사랑해줄수 있는 힘을 가지고 있을거에요^^

My prayer points coming into 2018:
1. Marriage (I still have a few days OKAY. Hahahaha~~~)
2. Stability (solid church family, some kind of income, visa problems SOLVED)
3. Healing (for my ill friendㅠㅠ and for my own hip problem….which has in the course of the year somehow switched over from my left hip to my right hip…)
4. More and more connections with people in the entertainment/music/fashion/design field, to be able to build real relationships.
5. More and more opportunities to work in related fields (entertainment/music/fashion/design)
6. Language skills – for my Korean to become MUCH better, to be able to also improve in Chinese (and Cantonese…)

제 2018 중보기도 제목:
1. 결혼 (뭐…시간 아직 좀 남았죠 ㅎㅎㅎㅎ)
2. 안정성 (튼튼한 교회 공동체, 어느정도 월급 받는것, 비자 문제 해결)
3. 치료력 (제 암에 걸린친구를 위해ㅠㅠ 그리고 제 여전한 골반문제를 위해….올해동안 어쩌다보니 그 아픔을 왼쪽에서 오른쪽으로 옮겼나봐요)
4. 엔터테인먼트/음악/패션/디자인쪽에 있는사람들과 관계를 더 맺을수 있도록, 진정한 관계를 맺을수 있도록
5. 그 분야에서 (엔터태인먼트/음악/패션/디자인) 일하는 기회가 더 생길수 있도록
6. 언어능력 – 한국말을 더 잘 할수 있는것뿐만 아니라 중국어/광둥어도 잘 할수 있도록

Declaring next year to be one of blessing and…less trials, please Jesus haha.
내년은 축복을 가득하고 시련이…덜 있는해가 되라고 선포합니다! …주님 제발…ㅋㅋ

God bless,

Beckii xo
베키 올림

Personal Musings

GOODBYE 2014, HELLO 2015

(written December 30th 2014)

Well. 2015 officially begins in under 2 days, and as I turn another year older in another 3 days after that, I wonder….WOW. Where did another year go!? The older I get, the faster time flies by…=/ Even looking back on my last New Years post exactly a year ago – and having then reminisced on the drastic eye opening life change I had experienced from moving from Australia – one year on, and my life AGAIN looks COMPLETELY different to how it did in 2013. I would have had no idea that my life would be where it is now, being in the situations I was in last year. God is SO GOOD.

This year has been another incredibly hard, stressful one – struggling with visa issues (of which I still am…being a foreigner in a foreign country is difficult), struggling with no income and no money (of which again, I still am struggling with….no money), struggling with church dynamics and big changes, struggling against my own psychological and self-image and identity issues which plagued my life before I came to Korea (mental health is IMPERATIVE and IMPORTANT, y’all hear mmmkay), struggling to figure out what God wants me to do and find my self-worth trying to work my hardest in as many avenues as possible, with no physical fruit to show…so many times I felt tired and frustrated and wanted to give up.

But! It is in those times of struggle and hardship that God is the most near – and throughout all my struggles, the times of desparation to grow closer to God in prayer and fasting to find answers and clarity in my season of extreme instability, I have grown IMMENSELY. Even though there is a lot of things still unanswered, even though I am still in a season of instability, even though this year has brought nothing but change, trials, hardship, more trials…even though everything in front of me is a fog and I don’t know what I am doing a lot of the time… I KNOW the Lord has been with me the whole way, I KNOW that trials shape my character and this is all training, training for the next season of my life to be prepared to BE greater, to DO greater things, all for the glory of God.

Never in my life would I have thought I would be able to have the opportunity to do more things in hiphop (as I had scarcely anyyyy friends who were into that culture like I was back home. Hiphop makes my heart sing lalalala~!!) and combine them with faith….especially as one who did not grow up in the culture itself. But! By God’s grace I have met and became friends with wonderful awesome people in the hiphop culture/kpop/entertainment industry this year who have inspired ME to work harder and improve my craft, made me proud of them for doing things to help others, to inspire and change other people’s lives, collaborating to create things to inspire others and spread God’s love through…

By God’s grace I was able to get a behind-the-scenes look at the huge bboy festival in Seoul, R16 – an event I would have flown up to see from Australia – thanks to my close friend (you are the best^^), to get to learn graffiti writing from a new and awesome pastor/rapper/graffiti artist friend, to learn Djing from and teach English to the top hiphop DJ in Korea (and to feature for like 2 seconds on one of his tracks hahaha), to experience missions in Indonesia and visit 4 provinces in a week, to discover (Korean) Christian hiphop crews and meet and talk and pray with them, to serve alongside a crew of amazing Korean missionaries evangelising through hiphop/EDM music culture in a bboy competition in Vietnam (I love you guys!!<3), to experience a taste of what a Youtube beauty blogger experience at sponsored events (thank-you my dear^^), to organise and pull of Christian hiphop events at my church and unite/meet foreign/Korean Christians in the culture and chill together, to plan with talented friends in the entertainment realm to do amazing things, to take responsibility and be in a position of leadership for the first time in my life as a severely introverted and scared person, to come closer to knowing who I am, what my identity is in Christ, to discover greater gifts in Christ and find fellow soldiers of light/brothers and sisters to serve alongside with…and so much more.

I never thought my heart could be pulled and stretched in so many ways; I never thought my heart would be MOVED by so many things and so many people. I finally know what it means to be ALIVE, to FEEL, to know emotion. My heart was so numbed and hardened over my earlier years I never thought it would be possible to make me feel “human.” I’m still not close to where I need to be….but the ice is thawing….hehehehe.

I never thought (a few years ago) I would be able to honestly say that I believe living for God is the best way and the only thing I want to be doing; but my eyes AND heart have been opened SO much more even over the course of this year. How much more will next year bring?!

…I even kind of ticked off my ‘resolutions’ from last year:

My non-exhaustive ‘resolutions’ list for 2014 would be:

1. work my butt off design wise and improve for business/church/freelance – but learn when to say ‘NO’ —> I DID work my butt off, and I DID improve….albeit I still have a long way to go to be an awesome designer. Did I learn how to say no? …kind of….not really. HAHA
2. get back to improving my Korean again. And time willing…Chinese =__= —> I did improve in Korean! A little…BUT I NEED TO LEARN SO MUCH MORE ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
3. grow in Christ – learn to love/receive love better:) —> I grew tremendously. My life is nothing without Jesus.
4. travel to Taiwan/Thailand/somewhere!! —> Not those countries; but I did go to Singapore/Indonesia/back to Australia/Vietnam….next year maybe?
5. heal from injuries and somehow get fit again… —> I am 95% healed from my injuries, after 14+ months. Praying I can start exercising next year!!


Of course, at the end of it all, I pray for breakthrough in this new year to come. Breakthrough in visa, my calling, income, business, relationships, EVERYTHING. I can’t deny that I’m tired, worn out and am tired of trials, even though I know everything, everything happens for a reason!

So thankyou 2014, you were another huge learning curve of which I am thankful for (breaking all them chains), but 2015 I really, truly hope you are a year of RISING.

God bless, and may 2015 be amazing for ALL of you. And ALL of me. Heheheheh.


Be blessed,