Personal Musings

CHOICES.

I’ve always had a self motto of being “as transparent as I possibly can” in who I am, in who I portray myself to be both online and offline. Why? So that I can be the most genuine, unedited version of myself that I can be, so that God’s grace given to me, the testimony of my life saved and changed by Christ would be the only thing that would shine out of my worries turned to favour, my pain turned into joy, a broken person made strong.

As some of you might know now, I now live in Bangkok rather than Seoul, in a much more missionary focused position. Given the changes, having a much more ‘public’ status so to speak; being so ‘transparent’ may not be the most viable option anymore…

I ask for your prayers, and remember at the end of the day…we are responsible for the decisions that we make.

Please follow me for updates at my Instagram: www.instagram.com/beckiiness; as I probably will be unable to update this blog for a long time yet.

God bless y’all,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

END OF YEAR MUSINGS 2015

monkeybear new years 2015

 

(Shameless plug: New Year drawing by ME featuring my favourite furry friends. For more art/design of mine, please go to www.facebook.com/beckiiness)

 

So it comes round to that time of year again, and I wish that I had more time to blog more frequently. Looking at how few blog posts I managed to write this year ( I think it was 4…4!?) reminds me that yes, God IS and was doing a crazy amount of things in my life this year (as always) so I didn’t even have time to sit down and clear my thoughts to write. But sometimes I wish I had another me so that I could share every lightbulb moment God placed on my heart in REAL TIME, right? haha…

 

Anyway, as I write every year, and as I have experienced every year – beyond anything I could have ever imagined, every year has been vastly different from the previous, and progressively more crazy. I am now writing this from Thailand, for one.
But looking back, I can clearly see how God has guided me, moulded me, and opened doors to prepare me for where He wanted me to go (even though it has always felt in the present – and still does – that I am walking blind in a fog), for who he wanted me to be, and ultimately as His desires become mine – the opportunity to do many things that I’ve always wanted to do, but never thought possible.

 

God is good in every season, and I am thankful:) So as I reflect…

 

2009: Started attending church after feeling touched by a youth service I attended once off with friends in Hong Kong. Got baptised soon after my first real encounter with God through a dream; but I kept barriers up and my mask on, and things got worse – lost my drivers license through an (unintentional) drink driving incident falling asleep at the wheel, realised in horror that I didn’t want to be an optometrist with 6 months until graduation (I have wanted to be an artist ever since I was little), battling several things at once left me severely mentally unbalanced towards the end of year (I told no one and remained as much as I could by myself at home), so much so I nearly failed university.

 

2010: Struggling working in Australia as an optometrist for long hours with a manipulative boss, hating my life and job, battling severe clinical depression and suicidal thoughts (note: daily thoughts I have had year in and year out since I was around 10 years old) amidst family dysfunction and refusing to meet or see any friends the entire year as a result from the depression and mental imbalance, barely sleeping and spending my free (note: hours I should have been sleeping) hours desperately practising drawing in a bid to develop another skill and as desperate self therapy to mentally stay put together…living on too much caffeine and painkillers to combat the constant headaches…praying desperately that God would pull me through…

 

2011: Started seeing a psychologist as a desperate attempt to stop the neverending persistent thoughts of wanting to kill myself and regular panic attacks, and to avoid the use of prescriptive medication (for fear of someone finding out about my depression/mental state), ended up sharing for the first time in my life about my depression in my small group at church, and received physical healing from the depressive effects – something I had daily for the past 1.5years (if you have depression, you will understand the physical side effects that come with it).
Internally renewing but the outer factors remained unchanged, so my mind started to slip backwards again.

 

2012: I ‘bought’ myself some time to think and moved to Korea during summer for 3 months to pray about where God wanted me to go, but distractions and wrong company made me fall away from church and I almost gave up believing. Answerless, I returned back to Australia for a few months, but then decided to ( for the meanwhile) go back to Korea at the end of the year to pursue God SERIOUSLY ( I challenged myself, “Just how hard can I run after God?”) desperately seeking to find more and to find purpose to combat the returning negative thoughts and lack of life meaning.

 

2013: My first full year living in Korea I saturated myself – double service every Sunday at two churches for 6 months; self- Bible reading/study every day, women’s ministry, church retreats, prayer meetings, conferences, discipleship, small group/Bible study groups, EVERYTHING and anything I could get my hands on. And then my eyes began to be opened…I received the gift of tongues, truly developed a REAL, strong understanding and relationship with Christ (prior to Korea I thought I knew but really had no idea what I believed in), still made a lot of mistakes falling on my face which made me TRULY understand His grace.
I once again, started training (perhaps too much) in taekwondo, but at the same time also started to become recognised for my art (after all the many sleepless nights and hours of practise I put in) and became involved in a North Korea related business as well as design at church, but wondered if hiphop could ever become something more in my life…something that I have always loved.

 

2014: My second year led me somehow to a good bboy friend of mine Dyzee (and I mention him everywhere haha), and my whole life started leaning towards hiphop as we became buddies in hiphop ministry, ended up leading hiphop bible studies for a few months with him and another friend, organising Christian hiphop jams with Dyzee a few times as Krosswerdz Korea, started getting involved in designing hiphop Christian apparel with this said friend and other friends separately in other churches, and started leading small groups and discipleship at church (who…ME? 0__o) as a leader.
That summer, I met the Korean electro hiphop missionary team Hispop, and I began to see how hiphop could be used as a tool for Christ…

 

2015: This year I finally started to understand my identity and who I am in Christ (that I have value as a person…I have value?!), I learnt how to wake up even more to His presence, and it led me to Thailand several times to serve with Hispop for different ministries short time. For the first time, I was able to go back to Australia with less fear in my heart, and my mother began to go to church. Hallelujah!
I ended up helping my friend out with R16, the biggest hiphop/bboy championships in Korea (working for Cartel Creative as staff – an event I would have previously flown out from Australia for, an event that I paid for tickets to watch in 2012, 2013 before I even met Dyzee! Who would have guessed back then…)…and now here I am in Thailand, delving into full time mission work as I made the decision to join as a missionary with the Hispop team.

 

5 years ago if you told me I would be where I am now, as someone with the drive and determination to spread the Gospel, as someone (mostly) free of depression and suicidal thoughts which plagued me DAILY year in and year out, as someone to live in a fully Korean speaking environment in Thailand (and translate things from Korean to English – I can’t believe I can converse in another language semi proficiently), as someone in a leadership role (or was) when I refused to even speak in public or stand on stage, as someone recognised for my art and design skills as someone who is actually an optometrist by training…even thought life is still SO hard, and I’m still struggling so much in this fog…I look back as this year comes to an end and I thank you, God. I thank You for everything you have made me into, I thank You for all the blessings, all the connections, even though I couldn’t see it at the time.

 

So as 2016 (literally) starts in a few days, I pray and hope that I will continue to grow, continue to grow closer to Him, to understand and be shown where my purpose and calling is, to finally feel like I belong somewhere, and for more breakthrough. I ask every year for breakthrough and it doesn’t really come, but I’ll keep asking…please Lord? hahaha.

 

I pray that in 2016:

 

  1. I’ll be on the path to somehow get married…please? hahaha. And that all my dearest single sisters and brothers get married too (shout outs especially to my church fam in Korea)~! haha.
  2. That I’ll be fluent in Korean, quickly pick up Thai and hopefully improve my Mandarin and Cantonese FAST (fail Chinese person)…and then move onto other languages?! YAS?
  3. That God will use me in ways beyond my imagination to reach people world wide, and give me stability and concrete understand in WHAT this life is for, that I will have no doubt in my calling.
  4. BREAKTHROUGH. PREASE. THANKYOU^^

 

And I pray that for you, you who is reading this – you too, whether you believe or not – that His love, the love of Christ will transform your life, CAN transform your life into something beyond anything you can imagine.

 

2016…lets go.

 

Be blessed,

 

Beckii.
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Personal Musings

LOOKING BACK TO LOOK FORWARDS

Well, its that time of year again – a festive day that Australia originally doesn’t have to force me to look back, reminisce, to see how far I have come and to be THANKFUL for everything that has happened to me this year. Thanksgiving; we meet again.

Its so amusing, so crazy that ever since moving to Korea at the end of 2012 – life has never been something I could call ‘static’ at any one moment. In fact; its almost overwhelming how fast things have changed, ARE changing and WILL change – my life NOW even, is still pretty drastically different to how it was 6 months ago, 3 months ago, ONE month ago…and I’m not gonna lie, it has been challenging and difficult at times…but at the same time its crazy and exciting – and I do strongly believe that God intended a purpose for everything that happens in our lives, good OR bad. That, and occasionally we make stupid decisions and reap the consequences of our stupidity. Hahahahaha.

A stark contrast from the life I knew in Australia; where the monotony nearly killed me.

In fact – what I was doing last year when I wrote my “What to be thankful for” note; I would have no idea that one year on, my life would look like it does now. Even in one year…God has redeemed and changed a lot of things, within me AND through me; doors have opened, doors have closed; friends have come, friends have left; I learn every day, more and more things I need to change and improve about myself; my eyes have been opened more and more to things of this world and things of God that I never had the ability to see before.

And so, despite MANY major stress points and setbacks this year which have challenged me and stressed me much; I know that God is doing a good work in me; that He is training me up to be something more (its like boot camp of life); and for that I am THANKFUL.

Philippians 1:6 “…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

I used to wonder a few years ago – as someone seeking Christ, but also LOVING hiphop (it made me have so much peace..and excitement in my heart to watch/listen/do anything involving hiphop culture) – would I ever meet others who shared the same heart as I do? To love God and love hiphop at the same time? Or is it better for me to try and liken myself to others in the church to fit in?

But years on…I have found it!! Slowly, more and more people coming into my life that are like minded, that want to live for Christ but do so THROUGH hiphop culture as a means, TO the hiphop community…and its freakin awesome. My heart sings. Heheheh.

So to the brother/bboy in Christ who I only knew about through bboy friends who are big fans of him back in Australia(fanboys. Are real. hahahah), someone who I look to as almost a real older brother to me, someone who has opened my eyes and opened doors to the hiphop world for me, THANKYOU. To be able to teach English to, and learn Djing from the top hiphop DJ in Korea and also share faith with him, has been SUCH a blessing. Djing has been hard haha, but all the more do I have true respect and appreciation for DJs, so THANKYOU. To be able to start and quickly get better at graffiti work, and to meet friends who are willing to teach me and help me improve; something I actually wanted to do since I was a little girl (yes…I used to want to be a graffiti artist in primary school), THANKYOU. To those who have shown me that its possible for us to use hiphop for Christ and create dope things for His glory; THANKYOU. For all the connections that I have started to form with talented people in music and dance and art and Mcing and everything in between; THANKYOU! It’s been a huge journey of giggedy-giggedy oh-YEAH moments which have truly blessed my life in the past year:)

To my pastor here in Korea, and my pastor back in Australia – although neither I have really spent too much time personally with; I now realise the burden and weight that they carry in a position of influence/at the scrutiny of others; and now do I understand more the stress they undergo because of their love for the church. And for that I am thankful; for the selflessness that we sometimes do not see.

To my church family – who have been the closest thing I have ever had to emotionally experiencing real familial love; I LOVE you guys! For being there for me; for caring for my wellbeing; for checking up on me when I need it; for praying for me! Through our triumphs, our tears, our pain, our struggles….it has been a very difficult year for all of us. But through this, we have grown stronger, and I remember the importance of community and sharing our burdens as we go through this life. I couldn’t have gone through this year without them. So THANKYOU!

Ecclestiastes 4:9-12
“Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labour:
if either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

God has opened up my heart slowly over the past 2 years and showed me what it truly means to love and care for others. So to my blood family; despite the pain and hurt that I felt, that I feel at times in regards to my fam – in the end its from our OWN wounds that we don’t know how to love others well or in the appropriate way, even though the TRUE intent to care and love is still there. My wounds, their wounds…all of us. So I’m learning how God’s grace covers us all;and underneath it all, how to be thankful for the things that my family HAS done for me.

And finally but most importantly of all, I am thankful for JESUS in my life! And since you’re on my blog and reading this you have to deal with my cheese. Haha. For giving me LIFE, for giving me PURPOSE, for giving me IDENTITY – things I never had before. And even though its been hard, even though there are plenty of days where I feel like giving up and feel tired of all the trials and temptations, I have hope in Him and hope in the great things that I KNOW will come, and I am SO THANKFUL for all the doors that keep opening to meet and interact with and collaborate with dope people, for all the things I am experiencing and discovering, for all the chances to do cool things, to do things that can inspire and help other people, to be an encouragement to those who need it who appear in my life, to SURVIVE in a foreign country, to have my eyes opened to this world. Words can’t even express the magnitude of gratefulness I have to God for His majesty in my life. So…there’s no turning back.

For those people who really know me and support me; whether I met you a month ago and we CLICKED or I’ve known you for a long time (and we still get each other…hahaha)…RIDE OR DIE, BABY. You know who you are:)) Thankful for all the blessings, and HAPPY THANKSGIVING everyone!

Be blessed,

Beckiii.

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Passage Musings

FALL AND GET BACK UP.

Ecclestiastes 7:20 “There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins.”

Sobering [at least, for some] reminder that nobody is perfect, and that we are ALL but HUMAN. Even the best of us will mess up like anyone else. We ain’t God. Give grace to others as much as others need to give grace to you.

Blessings,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

FOR THE BROKEN.

“Welcome to the church in the wild
I live with dudes haven’t been to church in a while
I’ve chosen this lifestyle, you ever met my friends?
Porn stars, dope dealers, they like, “Why you chill with them”?
I thought you was a Christian? Yeah I’m on that team
But I’m with them cause my life’s the only bible that they’ve ever seen” –

– Andy Mineo

 

 

Once again, this post was inspired by thoughts provoked from listening to Andy Mineo‘s track ‘Wild Things‘. STILL a must-buy album for me, so please check it out if you haven’t had the chance yet!

 
I think a common misconception I come across is that when people think of Christians – they immediately associate Christians with innocent, ‘goody two-shoes’ people who either are oblivious to anything bad around them and are permanently living in candyland; or as people who have a superiority complex over others who seemingly have a worse/more sinful lifestyle…

 
…this isnt true at all. Christians are not BETTER than anyone else in any way; its simply one being able to ADMIT their failures and sins, and having the humility to surrender everything to the one who CAN save. As I said in my previous post; we are all equal – no matter who we are, we all have the exact same potential to sin – to be Christian is just to admit this, and KNOW that God is in control, and when Jesus said “It is FINISHED.” He meant it.

 
As Jeff Bethke [a young guy from Seattle who’s wisdom i REALLY respect] put nicely in his “Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus” spoken word,

 
“Because if grace is water, then the church should be an ocean
It’s not a museum for good people, it’s a hospital for the broken
Which means I don’t have to hide my failure, I don’t have to hide my sin
Because it doesn’t depend on me it depends on him”

 

 

Jesus came into the world to SAVE everyone, but especially those who needed healing and restoration – and called on the BROKEN to become soldiers of light [Matthew 9:12 “On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.’ “]. For the righteous and those who had everything in their lifes didn’t believe in Jesus or that they needed Him.

 
And isn’t this somewhat true of today? How often do we come to God to pray when we are in dire trouble, or in desperate need of something? We pray out of desperation when it is convenient for us – like we keep God in a little box labelled “IN CASE OF EMERGENCY”. But how often do we come to God when we have everything we need? How often would we sacrifice something for God when we are in a position to receive everything we need WITHOUT Him?

 
This is why [I believe] that in countries that are less priveledged, the love of God [towards God] and the grace of God shown in much greater amounts; for in times of trial and tribulation, God pours out his grace. I have heard this first hand from North Korean women who escaped Kim Jong Il’s reign [by the skin of their teeth, mind you. My heart breaks at what ‘normal’ life is for them over there] and I was astonished, and HUMBLED by how great their faith was, how much more than mine – MUCH MUCH more than mine, women who have suffered emotionally and physically in ways that I could not even…comprehend. And how God provided soo richly for them – for without suffering in some way, there is no door for God to enter our lives, and we are [naturally] not as aware of God as much. because we technically ‘don’t need Him’.

 

2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

 
Okay so…a lot of time I also get “Why would you want someone to control your life? Have fun not doing what YOU want to do.” Lets think of it another way – not ‘control’.
When life feeds you lemons and vinegar and NOTHING seems to be going right, and you don’t know where to go or what to do or HOW to do it…how much would you want someone who LOVES you to come, give you a hug, tell you its okay and that you don’t HAVE to be strong all the time because they will be strong for you and protect you. and that they’re going to hold your hand through your hard times and will help you to fix up your life – if only you let them. AND granted, to get that feeling involves having FAITH [which…is important…and hard…hahaha] but God WILL provide. He comes for the broken, not for the able.

 
1 Timothy 1:15 “Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners – of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.”

 
God entered my life at a period where I was beyond broken – and was ready to throw myself away – but 3-4 years on, through a [painful, and still ongoing] process, I am someone who I never thought I would be. and I am so SO thankful for that; for God took hold of my life and cut off the limbs that needed to be cut, broke the chains and is teaching me to be something different; VERY different, but better. I’m starting to find out what ‘life’ looks like, for the first time EVER.
So if this is what ‘control’ looks like, im all in. The world could never give me what I hoped it would; as much as I tried. I can’t control my own life, I stuff it up. And I’m definitely not the only one who thinks this.

 
God can and will use you in what you THOUGHT was a weakness – but it will be a point in which you can minister to those who go through the same thing; the main difference being is that you’ve reached the light at the end of the tunnel…how much would you be able to HELP them; when others who have not had that particular experience would not be able to relate in the same way? how AWESOME is that?

 

Let us not forget, that through what Jesus did on the cross we are washed CLEAN. Broken or not, we do not need to hold that burden of our sin.

 
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 “Do you know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? ….And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”

 
Ephesians 2:4-5 “But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace that you have been saved.”

 
…CLEAAAAAN!! \o/

 

 

Also a reminder – a lot of prominent people in the Bible were sinners, and did great works for God – Moses was a murderer, Paul actively prosecuted Christians + was responsible for many deaths, David committed adultery and consequential murder, Rahab was a prostitute….now I’m sure a lot of you haven’t killed anyone or committed adultery [or have you? just kidding] – and look how God was able to use them! So how much would He also be able to use YOU? 😀

 

 

2 Corinthians 4:7 “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God, and not from us.”
So, my jars of clay…we know that God will give us the potential for greatness, despite being broken and in need of help. And it is the LOST who need God…and who need to be reached out to.

 
“But um, if we ain’t living it who else gon’ show em
What a family supposed to look like instead of them broken homes
Gotta be living stones around where they getting stoned”

 

did this make sense? I’m never sure, haha.

 

be blessed,

 

beckii xo

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Passage Musings

ALL EQUAL.

Listening to Andy Mineo’s new ‘Heroes for Sale’ album for the past few days nonstop has evoked many a new thought in my head. Its AWESOME. AMAZING. Whatever you want to call it, Andy is on fire and the more I listen the more meaning I hear from his lyrics.

 

CONVICTION. Anyway….I might blog more in depth about his awesome album in a later post. Go support a brother and buy his album on iTunes! or on Reach Records if you don’t have iTunes, like me.

 

Christian rap is starting to reaaaaallly be on point. PtL for hiphop!

 

 

 

SO! As ‘Superhuman’ played in my head all Friday morning [ “so the grace I talk about in all of my records / I need it for myself cause really I’m just a mess”, “they expected / me to be a man without flaws / thats false I am just another rapper that’s called to point y’all to the cross”] it made me think of the vineyard parable I had recently read in Matthew.

 

 

Matthew 20:1-16 (NIV)

 

“For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire men to work in his vineyard. He agreed to pay then a denarius for the day and sent them out into his vineyard.

About the third hour he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing. He told them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.’ So they went.

He went out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour and did the same thing. About the eleventh hour he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, ‘Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?’

‘Because no one has hired us,’ they answered. He said to them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard.’

When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, ‘Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.’

The workers who were hired about the eleventh hour came and each received a denarius. So when those who came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius. When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner. ‘These men who were hired last worked only one hour,’ they said, ‘and you who have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.’

But he answered one of them, ‘Friend, I am not being unfair to you. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarious? Take your pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?’

So the last will be first, and the first will be last.”

 

 

 

Okay that was long. And I suppose when I read it on first glance, I too was kind of like…what the heck?! Who toils all day and gets the same pay as someone who only worked one hour? Thats not fair! But I think it is actually a pretty hmm…humbling revelation when you realise that in the kingdom of God, it ain’t about you and how much more you did compared to someone else. Its what Jesus did for us; and that no matter how long you have been saved for, EVERYONE’s salvation is the same, and equal in God’s eyes.

 

The workers who were asked to the vineyard earlier believed it was for their OWN efforts that they deserved to be paid more, even thought they had agreed on the wage they were to be given.

 

In contrast, the workers that were left over in the eleventh hour were just that. Left over. and probably not the most able. The best always get chosen first for something, right? until the landowner came and found them and gave them work to do and the chance to earn some money.

 

And so we can see [or at least I think so…welcome to my blog haha] that this is an example of God’s GRACE. That no matter if we are blessed with more skills and abilities to do more and reach higher status and success in this world, or if we are more unfortunate in our circumstances and fail at things in our life, it doesn’t matter. God’s grace extends to us all, in the same amount, and we all receive the SAME salvation.

 

So be humbled in knowing that you are not superior over anyone else; nor are you any lesser. we are alllllll but…human! and Jesus came to die for us all….not for anything we did in particular, but that God’s love extends unconditionally for all.

 

 

blessings,

 

 

beckii xo

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