Personal Musings

LOOKING BACK TO LOOK FORWARDS

Well, its that time of year again – a festive day that Australia originally doesn’t have to force me to look back, reminisce, to see how far I have come and to be THANKFUL for everything that has happened to me this year. Thanksgiving; we meet again.

Its so amusing, so crazy that ever since moving to Korea at the end of 2012 – life has never been something I could call ‘static’ at any one moment. In fact; its almost overwhelming how fast things have changed, ARE changing and WILL change – my life NOW even, is still pretty drastically different to how it was 6 months ago, 3 months ago, ONE month ago…and I’m not gonna lie, it has been challenging and difficult at times…but at the same time its crazy and exciting – and I do strongly believe that God intended a purpose for everything that happens in our lives, good OR bad. That, and occasionally we make stupid decisions and reap the consequences of our stupidity. Hahahahaha.

A stark contrast from the life I knew in Australia; where the monotony nearly killed me.

In fact – what I was doing last year when I wrote my “What to be thankful for” note; I would have no idea that one year on, my life would look like it does now. Even in one year…God has redeemed and changed a lot of things, within me AND through me; doors have opened, doors have closed; friends have come, friends have left; I learn every day, more and more things I need to change and improve about myself; my eyes have been opened more and more to things of this world and things of God that I never had the ability to see before.

And so, despite MANY major stress points and setbacks this year which have challenged me and stressed me much; I know that God is doing a good work in me; that He is training me up to be something more (its like boot camp of life); and for that I am THANKFUL.

Philippians 1:6 “…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

I used to wonder a few years ago – as someone seeking Christ, but also LOVING hiphop (it made me have so much peace..and excitement in my heart to watch/listen/do anything involving hiphop culture) – would I ever meet others who shared the same heart as I do? To love God and love hiphop at the same time? Or is it better for me to try and liken myself to others in the church to fit in?

But years on…I have found it!! Slowly, more and more people coming into my life that are like minded, that want to live for Christ but do so THROUGH hiphop culture as a means, TO the hiphop community…and its freakin awesome. My heart sings. Heheheh.

So to the brother/bboy in Christ who I only knew about through bboy friends who are big fans of him back in Australia(fanboys. Are real. hahahah), someone who I look to as almost a real older brother to me, someone who has opened my eyes and opened doors to the hiphop world for me, THANKYOU. To be able to teach English to, and learn Djing from the top hiphop DJ in Korea and also share faith with him, has been SUCH a blessing. Djing has been hard haha, but all the more do I have true respect and appreciation for DJs, so THANKYOU. To be able to start and quickly get better at graffiti work, and to meet friends who are willing to teach me and help me improve; something I actually wanted to do since I was a little girl (yes…I used to want to be a graffiti artist in primary school), THANKYOU. To those who have shown me that its possible for us to use hiphop for Christ and create dope things for His glory; THANKYOU. For all the connections that I have started to form with talented people in music and dance and art and Mcing and everything in between; THANKYOU! It’s been a huge journey of giggedy-giggedy oh-YEAH moments which have truly blessed my life in the past year:)

To my pastor here in Korea, and my pastor back in Australia – although neither I have really spent too much time personally with; I now realise the burden and weight that they carry in a position of influence/at the scrutiny of others; and now do I understand more the stress they undergo because of their love for the church. And for that I am thankful; for the selflessness that we sometimes do not see.

To my church family – who have been the closest thing I have ever had to emotionally experiencing real familial love; I LOVE you guys! For being there for me; for caring for my wellbeing; for checking up on me when I need it; for praying for me! Through our triumphs, our tears, our pain, our struggles….it has been a very difficult year for all of us. But through this, we have grown stronger, and I remember the importance of community and sharing our burdens as we go through this life. I couldn’t have gone through this year without them. So THANKYOU!

Ecclestiastes 4:9-12
“Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labour:
if either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

God has opened up my heart slowly over the past 2 years and showed me what it truly means to love and care for others. So to my blood family; despite the pain and hurt that I felt, that I feel at times in regards to my fam – in the end its from our OWN wounds that we don’t know how to love others well or in the appropriate way, even though the TRUE intent to care and love is still there. My wounds, their wounds…all of us. So I’m learning how God’s grace covers us all;and underneath it all, how to be thankful for the things that my family HAS done for me.

And finally but most importantly of all, I am thankful for JESUS in my life! And since you’re on my blog and reading this you have to deal with my cheese. Haha. For giving me LIFE, for giving me PURPOSE, for giving me IDENTITY – things I never had before. And even though its been hard, even though there are plenty of days where I feel like giving up and feel tired of all the trials and temptations, I have hope in Him and hope in the great things that I KNOW will come, and I am SO THANKFUL for all the doors that keep opening to meet and interact with and collaborate with dope people, for all the things I am experiencing and discovering, for all the chances to do cool things, to do things that can inspire and help other people, to be an encouragement to those who need it who appear in my life, to SURVIVE in a foreign country, to have my eyes opened to this world. Words can’t even express the magnitude of gratefulness I have to God for His majesty in my life. So…there’s no turning back.

For those people who really know me and support me; whether I met you a month ago and we CLICKED or I’ve known you for a long time (and we still get each other…hahaha)…RIDE OR DIE, BABY. You know who you are:)) Thankful for all the blessings, and HAPPY THANKSGIVING everyone!

Be blessed,

Beckiii.

Advertisements
Standard
Lyrical Wordplay

SUFFERING SERVANT

To my surprise; Jackie Hill Perry dropped her new album ‘The Art of Joy’ for FREE on HumbleBeast Records. Check it here: http://www.humblebeast.com/the-art-of-joy . True to the record label name, she is a BEAST when she speaks!

‘The Art of Joy’ includes a short spoken word track, which is so simple; yet so POWERFUL. Definitely recommend it as a listen.

Lyrics and track below:) Blessings!

Beckii.

“Some people make me sad.

They walk past me with the rattle of buried bodies in their skeletons
And I am interested in why they havent dropped them off yet
While they have gotten so comfortable with the weight of death on their backs 
And I wonder
If they have seen stars in their eyes
And moons beneath their smirk
But you can tell
That a mirror would only give them nightmares. 
And I wish I could wake them up
Untuck them from the comfort of lonely and remind them that some dreams DO come true
That a heart
With chameleon-like pain will always be that colour
Even though the past and present hunt them like a vengeful eternity
Scaring the peace out of their faith 
I place
My two fingers next to their weary hands and pinky promise them that worship
Isn’t too far from their reach
As long as they are willing to try
Willing to crawl
Their dying hope to the edge of throne of mercy
Drag their weak hearts
Into the castle skies of David’s God and beg for Him to reign there with no umbrella
Just heaven 
Disrupting the hell and prison beneath their ribcage
Filling your lungs with songs that have been too scared to fly 
It is ok
Their earthly tears will be a means for praise
And David you see your kings face and He wipes them away
So smile
Because peace is coming.”
Standard
Personal Musings

BECOMING.

Looks like I’m back again, back to the topic of identity and self-worth. This post is going to be a bit rambly and personal – I still can’t get my thoughts to align clearly in my head.

“I’m not good enough.” “Why would he (she) be interested in me?” “He (She)’s probably just being nice.” “I have to be like THIS for him (her) to like me.” “I’m nothing compared to those other girls (guys), no one will ever want me.” “I’m not pretty enough.” “I’m too fat.” “Single…forever?…”

Sound familiar? Sure does to me. All those thoughts plus more, cycling through my head in the past 26 years of life (well…maybe less. Don’t really think I would’ve been thinking about this when I was 5 years old…ahahaha), wondering why I am the way I am, wondering what it was (or is…I’m still riding solo haha) that day after day, year after year – as I see the people around me enter and leave relationships, get married, start planning their life with someone – that nothing changes for me.

My conclusion would always be that the problem was (or is…), ME. Or…is it?

Well…it kind of is, haha.

As I get older (thank God) my vision is starting to clear about the concept of a relationship in relation to my life; and realise that its not so much about trying to change yourself to become what someone else wants you to be (or what you THINK they want you to be) and attract someone with qualities that ultimately you are not (and how you catch em is how you keep em, honey)…but rather face your own fears, discover who God made YOU to be, and embrace who you are honestly.

After all, whatever shape or size you come in – CONFIDENCE is the key. IDENTITY is the key. For if we base or foundation of worth on what the world says we are – won’t it keep changing, and the bar for ‘perfection’ keep rising? We are all made differently, and no matter what, in this world there will be someone (physically) better looking than you, smarter than you, thinner than you, fitter than you……yeah, you get the drift. If we keep comparing, then we will NEVER be content in ourselves.

Obvious but! – knowing who you are, and being comfortable with it, regardless what other people say – is PARAMOUNT. Knowing how to GIVE love, but also how to RECEIVE love (and believe yourself worthy of it), is paramount. Not saying this should lead to complacency about changing and improving yourself, but rather knowing that God loves you, has a purpose for your life, and that you have your OWN path to follow – different to someone else’s.

God blew my mind a few years ago – and I KNEW that I had to change. But how? After 23 years of doing the same thing, forming (bad) habits…how do I essentially learn how to become a completely new person? To stop being so self-pitying, to stop being consumed by my own thoughts and self-condemnation because it is so much easier to put yourself down than raise yourself up, to stop comparing myself to others, to stop being AFRAID….afraid of everything I didn’t know, afraid to be proud of myself and what I have accomplished, afraid to be who I wanted to be.

So many lies, so many things impressed into my head as truth, as how my life should be, as how I should be…the time is NOW to rise up and BECOME who God made you to be. I had to (and have to – continually) remember that my identity, that WHO I AM has nothing to do with what I look like (or what I *think* I look like – its a daily struggle to not put myself down/be okay with myself and not think I look ugly and chubby all the time), its nothing to do with the job that I have (or don’t have – I tell you this, coming from a high paying job, quitting it to come live off my savings with no income in a foreign country on almost missionary status – definitely doesn’t sit well with people who don’t know my heart), its nothing to do with what the world says I am – but rather that it is knowing who I am in Christ, who He says I am, that I CAN be worthy because I am a child in His kingdom.

 

So what is the first step? I suppose…identifying the issues, and going from there. Hence the title…BECOMING something more. Going to try and be really transparent, because lets face it – I am done with trying to hide everything for fear of judgement. Enough! *flips table*

 

BECOMING…comfortable in my skin as a woman. I think one of the hardest things for me to be able to be comfortable with was seeing myself as a woman. Not as a girl, but a WOMAN. As a female! Coming from an overprotective family environment where I was not allowed to be responsible for anything because I “couldn’t do it”, where my opinion and choices were always rejected and not validated and hence could not make my own decisions on anything, where I was constantly told that I would be molested/taken advantage of by all men if I were in close proximity to any of them (note: this DOES hold value in society today as a valid point; however being wary should not stem from a place of fear) – I inadvertently pulled up barriers to everyone, and embraced being a tomboy – with no real mindset of my own.

I still can’t really look at myself without feeling uncomfortable.

If I’m just “one of the boys” then I’m safe right? If I just stay out of human contact (again, another easy thing as an introvert) then I won’t have to make decisions and talk to people, right? If I don’t try new things then I can’t make mistakes, right? If I become a doormat and do exactly as you say, then I can avoid conflict, right?

There was a time where I wouldn’t even wear a tshirt – my exposed arms were enough to make fear rise in my heart; so I would always wear super baggy sweaters and pants, even in summer. I would rather suffer (in various areas of my life) than to draw attention to myself in any way…which of course led to bad consequences at times…

Now being over mid-20s now; I can’t be a little frightened girl anymore. I have to admit to myself that yes – I need to embrace myself and NOT dress and act like a boy as a protective mechanism (albeit my personal style is kind of hip-hop/tomboyish….err thats not the point, haha) and that its ok to dress feminine. That yes – being single is really starting to suck and I need to learn to address my fear of the opposite sex and how they see me. That yes – I need to learn how to LOVE myself, take control of my emotions and rebuke all my negative thoughts about who I am and what I look like.

I’m not like you. Nor will I ever look like you. But Beckii…thats okay.

To learn to look at myself through His eyes, rather than my own.

Jeremiah 31:3 “Long ago the Lord said to Israel: “I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.”

 

 

BECOMING…courageous in what God has called me to do, and who I am through it. Fear is another huge stronghold over my life – somewhat less in recent years, but something that since childhood has been very hard to break (I sound like a mess dont I…haha so many issues=P) – fear in social situations, fear in making mistakes and hence being indecisive, fear in speaking my mind lest I be judged for it, fear of the opposite sex, fear of the unknown….EVERYTHING!

Coming to Korea gave me the opportunity to FORCE myself to face a lot of these fears (when you have no choice…just gotta do it) – forced myself to go to church/other large social outings (I really hate these) else I would be friend-less and alone in a foreign country. Forced myself to speak up in another language, or I would be stranded in a foreign country. Forced myself to step out of the box I so carefully enclosed myself in to experience a world, experience things I never thought existed, to meet people I never thought existed/I never thought I would meet, to DO things I never thought possible!

Now finally being somewhat towards the direction of what I’ve dreamed of, to finally do things that make sense to me and that can help other people, to be in a position of responsibility – yet being hit in the face with uncertainty and hard trials – being courageous involves TRUSTING God. ACTUALLY trusting Him, not saying/acting like I do, but really having disbelief at the back of my head. Trusting that He will pull me through this all even though I walk blindly – because He is sovereign and there is a purpose. There is ALWAYS a purpose, even if we can’t rationalise it for ourselves.

Romans 5:1-5 “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Romans 8:31-39 “What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Deuteronomy 31:6 “So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”

 

 

BECOMING…less, and He becoming greater in me. This season of my life I need to learn what it really means to seek Him and His face – and not just SAY I do. To prioritise the right things, to really focus on Him. Greater intimacy and time spent = gaining clarity and discernment, learning peace and trust, knowing His voice, knowing when I need to humble myself and release my tight grip on things in my life. There is just too much going on for me to try and control anymore…

Psalm 27:14 “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

Matthew 6:33 “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

Psalm 37:4-6 “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.Commit your way to the Lord;trust in him and he will do this: he will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.”

 

Time to LET GO. And…LEGGO!:)

 

Be blessed.

 

Beckii.

Standard
Personal Musings

DON’T DOUBT.

Time really flies, huh?

It’s already been 1.5 weeks in Australia (after being away from it for over a year…crazy!) and in a few days I will say goodbye, yet again to go back to my current life in Seoul. I want to go back, its been a crazy tiring time of medical appointments (of which I will not go into) and a billion catch ups; but it was good to see my family again and friends. God is good!

I spoke on prayer at my church service last weekend; so I thought I would share what I spoke on here. Nothing particularly new or revolutionary, but its from my heart and my own experience. Enjoy:)

“Thankyou for inviting me to share today; I think what I am sharing may not be new to a lot of you, but these are things that God has opened up my eyes to more than ever in the last 2 years, and it doesn’t hurt to hear it again.

So I have a question for you – who here has a wife or husband? How about a boyfriend or girlfriend? What about a crush? Who has friends? Those who don’t, its okay, you have Jesus! He’s the best one of all. Anyway! The point I’m trying to get at is, how do we get to know people that we want to eventually build a relationship of some sort with? We talk to them right? We seek their company more frequently, and want to be in their presence.

Like any human relationship, it is the same, if not even more with God. Like our fellow brother in Christ Jeremy Lin said, “to know Him is to want to know Him more”. If we are to know WHO God is and what He wants us to do in this life, then we MUST seek Him more. So, how do we do this? We PRAY. Our communication with the Father is through prayer, seeking His heart through our prayers, and our time devoted to him. And like any other relationship, the more time we spend in His presence seeking him, and praying, the more that we start to understand his absolute majesty, and all the wonderfully crazy things he can do in your life.

The Bible tells us to be in prayer constantly and without stopping. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 tells us, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” and Romans 12:12 “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”

We also know that the bible is a VITAL supplement to prayer. 2 Timothy 3:16 tells us, “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.”, so we KNOW that in conjunction with prayer, the Bible gives us written proof of God’s character. Not only that, but you have a backing to what you believe, if someone comes up to you and asks you WHY you believe.

To be honest, in my years as a Christian before I left for Korea I barely picked up my bible, aside from using it to check sermon references in church or lifegroup. I always thought “Yeah, I probably should try reading more…” but that thought would never develop into an action, and consequently my lack of understanding and intimacy with God led me to always struggling to believe the validity of my faith in Christ – because I had no semblance of what an Spirit-filled relationship with God should feel like.

But in my desperation to find life meaning once leaving the life I knew behind in Australia, I started to go through and read my bible every day, tried to study and understand each chapter I read. And slowly, combined with more prayer, did I then start to see God move powerfully in my life.

So I say to the old Beckii as well as to those of you who here who are not consistent with prayer and reading of your bible, that perhaps wonder WHERE God is in your life and where He fits in (or where YOU fit in) in the grand scheme of battling for Christ in this fallen world; I encourage you to start seeking God earnestly in prayer. The more I prayed, the more I saw how great the spiritual battle is.

Look at the world around us – how frequently is tragedy happening these days? The war between Israel and Gaza; the beheading and killing of Christians by ISIS in Iraq, the massacres in Syria, countless acts of unjust police brutality in America, increased frequency of natural disasters, increased frequency of sex trafficking in adults AND children, mental illness and suicide rising in a money-driven era, secret intelligence forces at work…and the list goes on. Australia is very far away from a lot of these countries, but Korea being a more centrally located country, tragedy is very much real and present – as South Korea experienced a few months ago with the horrific Sewol ferry accident.

So, this can be overwhelming. What should I do? What CAN I do? The worst thing we can do as Christians is to be INDIFFERENT. Because isn’t that what Satan wants us to do? To sit back and live like everyone else? The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. We can see the world changing right before our eyes; and he is doing everything he can to distract you with worldly temptations and obstacles, to prevent you from following Jesus and being used as a soldier of light.

Aside from making donations and physically helping where possible, PRAYER is the greatest weapon we have, as God’s army. The more we pray, the more our will aligns to God and HIS heart becomes OURS. The more we pray, the more prayer will change YOU.

So for those who are unable to pray for themselves, we stand and intercede and pray on behalf of them. For even if the world is Satan’s playground, He who lives IN us is far greater than he who lives in this world. And don’t worry if prayer seems to do nothing sometimes. Like any relationship, it takes time to build up one with God, and to know what His voice sounds like. BUT if you DON’T pray– you won’t know at all.

God created us all differently, BUT he did create us for a specific purpose. We all know how much better it is to do things with purpose, rather than doing something aimlessly, right? And even on those days when we don’t feel like doing anything at all, to have a solid purpose will drive your passion to do more, and greater things.

For me, in my situation right now, to rely on God and remember my purpose in Korea is all I have. It is NOT easy at all. I have no visa, no income at all (a big contrast from my previous high paying job here), Korean is NOT my mother tongue, and due to a lot of constant changing factors the future ahead of me is foggy and unstable. BUT, it is thanks to these circumstances that I have been forced to rely solely on God, and so the blessings when they come are THAT much more beautiful, and life-changing. So much so, that I am truly thankful for all the little things He has done for me even in the crazy chaos and uncertainty that I live in, in Seoul, and my faith has grown ten-fold…

…I believe that God is starting to use hiphop for Christ in a really powerful way in recent years, seeing the boom in popularity of Christian hiphop in the states, as well as the influence of hiphop in general in music and fashion culture…

…God is opening up a lot of doors for me in Korea despite my unstable state of no income and no visa, so I do believe I am to be in Seoul, even though spiritual attacks are occurring, and there are a lot of factors against me right now. I know God is preparing to do some really crazy things, and I already see the fruit and blessings in brothers and sisters around me, and hope those blessings will be extended to me in due time. You know you’re doing a good thing for Christ when Satan starts attacking, haha….”

Don’t doubt. Thats a reminder to myself, too.

Be blessed!

Beckii.

Standard
Personal Musings

THE BIGGEST ENEMY IS YOURSELF

Long time no see, blog.

This may come together as a giant outpour of mental diarrhoea….but I gotta get it out!! So readers, beware:D

It has been a continuing, gradual process of self-discovery, self-evaluation, healing and growing during my time here in Korea. A process of allowing myself to pull out that box of problems that I pushed to the deep recesses of my mind, to force them t come to light, to force myself to FACE them and resolve them. And hey – it is super difficult, and the more I unravel about myself; the more I realise and recognise just how much of a battle it is.

Its true – sometimes there’s a part of us that doesnt want to change. Because more often than not, change is difficult, and painful, and we just can’t be bothered. There’s a very big part of me that fights to keep acting like I know, to repeat the same behaviour which is familiar to me, knowing full well it is detrimental to my psychological health, my spiritual health – and that is absolutely NOT what God wants for me.

Man….I frustrate myself sometimes.

I am naturally, VERY introverted. Everyone who sees me regularly will insist I’m lying and that I’m an extrovert in denial – haha! But I am not. I can very easily spend a lot of time with myself and I have always disliked big crowded events with a lot of people because *GASP * it would mean that I would have to try and make small talk *horrified face * and I am the most awkward turtle EVER (dangerous, as too much time alone leads to too many thoughts which can lead to negativity which can lead to a relapse of depression….dammit~)….BUT. Again, I know that God has NOT called me to be a social recluse and NOT impact and encourage others by making myself lonely and useless!

We are called to love God and love others – so as commonly said, and as my friend said to me; are we REALLY doing the former, if we cannot do the latter?

So that brings me (again) to fear – if we let fear hold us back, if we let THAt be the reigning factor in our lives – then we essentially block ourselves from fulfilling our potential to do great things! Until we step into our calling and move boldly through this life, it will only be a “what if.” And that is exactly what the enemy wants – for us to never realise that we are ALL capable of doing something amazing in our own right.

So in a roundabout way, I am completely frustrated and annoyed at…MYSELF. For caving in; for shrinking back and being tired of…well, EVERYTHING right now. I’m human…and I’m tired. And I want to give up. Why CAN’T I perform better? Why CAN’T I be more creative? Why CAN’T I take criticism like I should? Why do I have to wait so long to see fruit of my hard work? Why don’t I have the energy or can be bothered to make the effort to socialise and not be uncomfortable about it? Why can’t I accept myself for who I am (fully)? So many questions…

And…I don’t have an answer for that. At least, not now.

Mind over matter. How often do we hear things like this? Sometimes its not the actual matter at present, but our ATTITUDE and how we react to it. And lets be honest, being a foreigner in another country DEFINITELY confronts you with a lot more conflicting situations and feelings than you would in a situation more comfortable to you.

And God knows this! By bringing things you dont want to deal with to the surface; and by smacking you in the face with them. But, if we don’t deal with our insecurities and fear and problems, how do we grow and learn and move on to do bigger and better things??

You know, I’m not going to lie that I don’t feel a bit sad/hurt/disappointed/rejected that on a regular basis, aside from (very) few friends, only my mother contacts me here to see how I’m doing. I’m not going to lie that in the majority of my time spent here that I am alone; and the balance between enjoying my solidarity and feeling alone and isolated is very fine. I’m not going to lie that following God is hard, and walking blindfolded leaves me questioning my worth and what I’m doing, ALL the time. I’m not going to lie in that a season where friends everywhere are getting married and hooking up and you are (still) forever alone, doesn’t make you wonder if there is something wrong with you and that you WILL be forever alone.

I’ve BEEN there. I AM there. But at the end of the day – it is MY choice to think optimistically or pessimistically about my circumstances I am in; the biggest enemy we fight is OURSELVES. Just as it is our choice to follow Jesus, it is our choice and our onus to think positively, pray and see God in the season we are in. It is up to US to fight against our negative thoughts and situations and figure out WHY we are going through what we are going through, see what God wants us to learn from it, and how he wants us to grow THROUGH it.

Let’s be real, to keep playing the victim card whe you are out of firing range should be a red flag to YOURSELF that its time to wake up and stop feeling sorry for yourself, and LET GO. I don’t want to be that person on facebook that just b**ches about everything. Negativity breeds negativity. And I know and believe God wants us whole – and wont be satisfied with only part of us because we don’t *really * want to face our problems.

Our mind, our SELVES can be our biggest enemy. So as I try to tell myself too – don’t let the lies win. Don’t live your life as a sub-par version of yorself just because you let your mind stop your actions.

Mind over matter. Life IS a battle. But with Jesus you CAN and WILL do anything.

Now, to convince myself.

Ephesians 6:12 “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

Be blessed,

Beckii x

Standard
Passage Musings, Personal Musings

COMFORTABLE IN OUR STRUGGLES.

Do you ever get that feeling when you suddenly get inspired to do something; motivated to do something new, because you KNOW it will be beneficial for you, even if it involves effort and perhaps struggle – yet at the same time, the thought of change and the unknown frightens you; so you slip back into your old habits, because its easier, and because its comfortable?

No? Or maybe its not that you can’t be bothered – but rather dont recognise that there is something about your life that you need to change – and hence its just *HOW* you are, *WHO* you are….or is it?

Going through Luke recently in small group for church, this particular verse has been stuck in my mind for a while…

Luke 18: 35-43 “As Jesus approached Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard the crowd going by, he asked what was happening. They told him, “Jesus of Nazareth is passing by.”

He called out, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”
Those who led the way rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”
Jesus stopped and ordered the man to be brought to him. When he came near, Jesus asked him, “What do you want me to do for you?”
“Lord, I want to see,” he replied.
Jesus said to him, “Receive your sight; your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus, praising God. When all the people saw it, they also praised God.”

I think I probably didn’t see the deeper meaning of this until a lot later on (my original thought process would have been, “Why does asking Jesus for healing mean this dude has great faith? He’s just asking…”) – but then after some discussion had a lightbulb moment. Or maybe someone just told me. I forget. Bear with me….hahahahaha.

The blind man, like any other beggar, would have had very little money and would have had to survive on what was given to them by a passing pedestrian who took pity on them. Any kind of physical ailment then, would be added leverage to getting more sympathy and perhaps more money given to them. Blindness, although a hinderance, could also be an advantage.

So knowing this, for the beggar to WANT to be completely healed, to WANT to lose that advantage over others despite his money-less condition – believing that healing from Jesus was better (even when others told him to shut up) was a BIG leap of faith. It meant he was willing to step away from the comfort of what he knew, what he knew worked for him, and was willing to step into the unknown (plus additional blessing of actual sight, haha).

What it means to ask for healing and for sight looks different for all of us – maybe its finally quitting that high paying job that makes you miserable; maybe its asking for forgiveness and apologising to someone who you already cut out of your life; maybe its putting down your pride and admitting you made a mistake; maybe its moving overseas to a new life.

For me? SO many things – even in the little things; I remember I used to always tell people (with my poor social skills) that I was tired, tired, tired. “How are you?” “Tired.” “How are you?” “Stressed.” “How are you?” “Tired and busy and stressed.” Doesn’t leave room for stimulating conversation, does it? But that took too much effort. Maybe subconciously I hoped my complaining would lead to sympathy/pity and then that person would care for me more and feel like they would remember me/pay attention to me better? To fill that empty hole in myself where I felt alone and unloved.

Now I know (or at least…think I have a better idea haha) – to live a full, joyous, exciting life is to not be afraid to take that LEAP, to trust God, especially when other people tell you to shut up. To not be comfortable in what we KNOW because its easier than making a change that will help us, even if it means stepping out into the darkness. Because God will not only heal us – but our eyes will truly be OPENED.

 

Point I’m trying to make is? Don’t be complacent in comfort. You’re better than that:)

 

Now to try and not be a hypocrite and do what I said I should do. NO FEAR!

 

Be blessed!

 

 

Beckii.

Standard
Personal Musings

DON’T BELIEVE THE LIES.

What are the lies that you believe about yourself? “I’m not smart enough.” “I’m not thin enough.” “I’m not GOOD enough.” “I’ll never succeed.” “I can’t do it.” …and the list goes on. How much garbage do we allow the enemy to feed to us, for us to believe it as truth? How easy is it, to let one thought poison your mind and infiltrate? And like a cancer it spreads…and the lie becomes a *part* of you.

 

My pastor here in Seoul challenged us all to give up something for 40 days in the count down to Easter – to give up something that we ‘need’ and rely on, and replace it with time/thoughts focused towards God instead (well….thats always the plan. Doesn’t always end up that way though, haha). So me, being the bread-loving, -loving, carb-loving crazie that I am, decided to give up all carbs. Something that I have indeed fasted before, but of which killed me for a LOT shorter period of time than 40 days ( my previous time was 3 weeks….daaaang that was hard)…Lord be with me! Haha.

 

So of course, now all I can think about is BREADBREADBREADBREADWAFFLESPANCAKESRICENOODLESWAFFLESPANCAKES!STOPEATINGBREADNEARMEWHATSTHATSSMELLWAFFLES!?BREADRICECAKEARGGHH. Wish I was kidding….hahaha. Okay. Kind of=P

 

This time however, although I KNOW now what it is like to deprive myself of bready goodness (or anything white, processed and nummy for that matter), to my horror my mind took a turn for the worse – something that since leaving Australia and stepping foot in Korea – has never happened. And it felt all, too, much…like ‘home’.

 

As stupid as it sounds, id been riding so long and so high on a cloud of God-given joy during my time in Seoul, that I almost forgot what it was like to feel complete hopelessness and to feel despair. Not that I haven’t had times of struggle here; but rather the first time in a long time that I felt that it was ME who was the problem…and my mind shut down.

 

So here I was, thinking that I could have possibly rid myself of my condition forever. Sure seemed like it, with smooth sailing in my head for the past year or so, my mental health pushing forward rather than back. But as a lot of you out there most likely know, the harder you try to run towards God, the faster and harder opposition attacks – and since struggling and consequently crashing in the past few weeks, I have now learnt a few things:

 

  1. Mental health issues do not just ‘disappear’ (my life wish) – in most cases, you simply learn how to live with them, and ‘control’ it better ( and battle it, at some points. I wish I had a lightsaber. And for those of you out there who think differently, Christians are as prone to psychological issues as anyone else. Christians are human like anyone else, yoo)
  2. The words and expectations of others can be VERY damaging. We need to remember that we are all made differently; we all have a different plan and purpose for our lives – what God planned for us, not what others around us want us to do and be. Our worth doesn’t lie in other people’s opinions of us! So a reminder to look to the opinion and guidance of the one who matters the most – God.
  3. Our mind is our battlefield most of the time – without the believe that we CAN, we WILL, that HE will – it is so easy to give p, so easy to be disheartened and to be stuck in limbo with no heart to push through your struggles and push forward.
  4. Being stuck with darkness in our lives SUCKS, no doubt – but without testing and situations that need patience, would we ever feel the need to trust God? Or would he be pushed to the side, stuffed back into the emergency box for when we actually need a *miracle*? So I ask myself for the billionth time…do I trust You will bring me through again, God?

 

My friend reminded me – even though this FEELS like it did in the past, I am no longer the person I was – and I have a new arsenal of weapons to go into battle with; including the knowledge that what I think IS indeed a lie. Amen to that – this is where I go and slap myself in the face and tell my brain to shut up.

 

So I am mentally recharged and moderately better from the emotional slump I was in last week; but in a way it was a good reality check on my weaknesses, and the need to stop seeking approval through other people. Whether they are out to secretly undermine you, or they love you but dont understand you, OR you just had a bad day and anything that comes out of their mouth sounds like they trying to mess with you….in the end, FORGET those lies. FORGET what the enemy tells you, its a freakin LIE. I gotta remember to look UP, to look forward. And thats it.

 

Philippians 4:13 “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

 

Ending with Andy Mineo – You Can’t Stop Me. Hehe//

 

Be blessed,

 

Beckii.

Standard