Personal Musings

PUSH THROUGH: END OF YEAR MUSINGS 2018 (한국말)

I realise that in past 2 years, I’ve started this post off exactly the same as what I was just about to write – “So it’s that time of year again….” I guess I really am a creature of habit, ahaha. But yes, it is indeed that time of year again where I sit down and organise my thoughts and look back on what happened this year.

제가 쓸려고 했던 인트로는 지난 2년의 썼던 내용들과 정말 똑같네요. “한해의 끝자락이 다시 왔네요..”제 습관 인가봐요ㅎㅎ 그래도 앉아서 저의 많은 생각들을 정리하면서 올해의 발생한일을 돌아봐야할때가 또 다시 왔죠.

Truthfully, 2018 went by incredibly quickly. I’m still not in a place where I’m able to clearly sort out my thoughts and process everything, but I’m going to try for the sake of looking back on this in coming years and having assurance that there is a reason for everything.

사실, 2018년이 너무 빨리 지나갔어요.일어난 모든 일에 대해 너무 명확히 생각하고 잘 정리할수 없지만, 앞으로 몇년간 후에 다시 뒤돌아볼때 모든것에는 이유가 있다는 확신을 느낄수 있도록 노력하겠어요.

If I look at everything I accomplished this year from a ‘worldly’ point of view, I’m not sure what I have to show, haha. Nothing? I am not sure, to be honest. If last year was one of learning to rest in God and finding my worth NOT according to how much I earn, what my social status is or what job I hold….but rather seeing myself through His eyes, not my own – then this year was one step further – to hold on to that worth and learn to trust God in a season where even more was stripped away, and I needed to find my own faith without the reliance on the friends around me, a church, or anything else.

올 한해의 성취던것을’세상적인’관점으로 보면 제가 보여드릴수 있는것을 뭔지 모르겠어요, ㅎㅎㅎ.아무것도 없나?잘 모르겠다는 사실이에요.

작년에 돈을 얼마나 벌든 사회적 지위가 어떻게 되든 직업이 가지고 있든지 이런것에 상관없이 저의 가치라는것을 자기의 눈 아니라…하나님 시선으로 이해하며 하나님 안에 거하라는것을 배운해이었다면 올해는 다음 단계인것 같아요. 이 가치라는것을 붙잡고 더~~ 많은 것을 빼앗길 시즌가운데 친구, 교회,다른것 없이 저의 개인적인 신앙을 찾아야겠다는것.

After MONTHS of study and prep and high tension stress, my visa application rejected once again. No visa stability for the 7th year? Ready to throw a table.
The church I was attending and investing myself into destroyed itself a few months prior; my 3rd church break in the 5 years I’ve been in Korea (6th year overseas). Do I want to go to church anymore? Not really, but trying to push myself to.
Tired and burnt out from trauma, stress and hard circumstances – close, close friends, many of which I consider family who have been in Korea much longer than I – left in masses this year, or plan to leave next year. An exodus. Time to find new community…again. Still ‘alone’. (dammit…I’m getting old…) Should I give up and leave? I want to, haha….but that’s not the answer.

몇 달 동 너무 열심히 공부하고 준비하고 몸이 아프게 된정도로 스트레스를 받은다음에, 저의 비자신청은 거부당했어요. 7년째 비자에 대한 불안을 느껴야되나요?밥상을 뒤집고 싶은 심정이었어요.

오랫동안 마음을 다해 다녔던 교회는 먗달전에 망가졌어요 -한국에 있는5년동안(해외에 사는지6년째) 3번째 겪었던 교회가 분리된 일이었어요.더 이상 교회 가고싶은마음이 있나요?아니요, 별로 없지만….계속 나가려고 노력하고 있어요.

피곤하고 그 동안 겪었던 트라우마때문에 지치고,스트레스과 힘든상황을 많이 경험했기때문에 저보다 한국에 오래 사는 가족처럼 여기는 수많은 친한친구들이 올해 떠났어요.내년에, 다른친구들 또 떠날거고요. 완전 대탈출. 또,새로운 공동체를 찾아야겠어요.아직까지 ‘혼자서’지내요 (힝…너무 늙어지고 있음). 저도 포기하고 떠날까요? 마음 한구석에 정말 원하는데ㅎㅎㅎ정답 아니지만…

So much happened this year, yet at the same time when I look back, only one thing really sticks out in my mind, the thing that hit home the hardest – the passing of my dear friend, Keith.

올해에 수많은 일이 일어나지만 한편으로 뒤돌아보니까 정말 충격받았던일,제 기억속에 생생하게 남아있는 유일한 일은 저의 사랑하는 친구가 Keith이 돌아가신다는것.

Keith was one of the very first friends who quickly became family to my scared lil introvert ass when I came to Korea at the end of 2012. As anyone knows who has seen my 180 degree transformation over the past few years living overseas – back then my fear of people and my non existent self esteem made me seem very antisocial and nervous, and I would often cower and run away from any social interaction past a ‘hello’.

Despite this, Keith (and other friends who became family) relentlessly pursued in love – greeting me with opens arms and a big smile every Sunday at church, inviting me to hang out at his house with others, or random board game nights, movie nights and dinners – very, very frequently. Due to my insecurities and social fear I rejected these invitations more often than not, which I now deeply, deeply regret – but I was always thankful that I was thought of and cared for, even though I could not express just how grateful I was. I felt loved, and it meant SO much to me.

2012년말에 걱정이 많고 두려움으로 가득 차 있는제가 한국으로 왔었을때 Keith는 빨리 가족이 된 첫친구들중에 하나이었어요.해외에서 지난 몇년간 살아가면서 저의 완전 변신한것을 보는 친구이라면 누구나 아시다시피 그때는 심각한 낯가림과 거의 없는 자신감을 가지고 있는 제가 다른사람들에게 진짜 반사회적이고 되게 긴장한 사람처럼 보일수도 있었고, “안녕”보다 더 깊이 들어갈수 있는 사회적 상호작용을 피하고 도망하곤 했어요.

그럼에도 불구하고 Keith(과 다른 가족이 될친구들)는 하나님의 사랑으로 끊임없이 저한테 다가왔어요.주일마다 교회에서 Keith는 함박웃음을 지으면서 저를 너무 반갑게 아주셨고,다른 친구들과 그의집에 초대하셨고,같이 게임을 하거나 영화를 보거나 밥을 자고 자꾸 불러주셨어요. 지금 많이~~~후회하지만 저의 불안과 대인 기피증때분에 이런 초대를 자주 거부하게 되었어요. 얼마나 감사하는지 잘 표현할수 없었지만 누구든 저를 생각해주고 챙겨주셨으면 너무 감사해요. 사랑을 잘 느꼈고, 저에게 큰 의미가 있었고요.

I may not have shown it well, but who I am today, is the fruit of the love I received then.

티가 안났었지만,그때 받았던 사랑때문에 오늘의 나란사람의 열매를 맺게 되었어요.

When I became part of leadership at the church we all attended back then, Keith and the rest of us on leadership went through many, many hardships together – it was in these moments that (as foreigners in a country not our own) we all became closer – holding our own prayer meetings and praying for the nation and our circumstances, praying FOR each other – and it was then that not only did our own individual relationships with God strengthen, but I then really felt like we were family, holding hands and standing together in the midst of our storms.

그때 다니고 있었던 교회의 리더십팀에 들어갔었을때 저랑 Keith이랑 우리 리더끼리는 많은 시련을 같이 겪었는데 이런 힘든시간들가운데 다른 나라에 사는 외국인들로써 우리 많이 친해졌어요. 기도모임을 따로 하며 이땅과 우리의 현재 사황을위해 기도했고,서로를위해 기도해줬고요.우리가 하나님과의 개인적인 관계들이 튼튼해지는것을 볼수 있을뿐만 아니라 그제서야 정말 가족이라고 느꼈어요 – 우리의 폭풍이 한창일 때에 손을 잡고 같이 버티고 있다는것.

Although older than a lot of us, Keith had the aura of a playful little brother – a cheeky smile plastered on his face, always cracking jokes and always, always playing video games (although I have never seen ANYONE make gaming into a source of revenue like he somehow was able to, haha). Amongst us he was the ‘princess’, who although having been in Korea for many years could not string together anything too much more than “Annyeonghaseyo” and “(insert food item here) juseyo” in a heavy American accent, who often woke up late and rocked up late to leadership meetings.

우리 대부분보다 나이 좀 더 많지만 Keith는 깜찍한 남동생처럼 여길수 있었어요.천진한 미소를 지으면서 늘 장난을 치고 늘 비디오 게임을 열심히 하고 있는 그런사람이었어요(그리고 다른사람들과 달리 게임하는것에서 그렇게 엄청난 수익을 얻는것을 처음 봤어요~!ㅋㅋ).우리 친구들중에 Keith는 ‘공주’이라는호칭이 있었고 한국에서 수년간 살고 있어도 서투른 발음으로 “안녕하세요”과 “(어떤 음식을 추가요) 주세요” 밖에 얘기할수 없으며 늦게 일어나서 리더십 회의에 자꾸 지각한 그런 친구이었어요.

But in April 2017 when Keith got diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma, his particular type being the rarest form of cancer in the world (less than 300 cases worldwise), he showed us all a strength and faith, greater than ANYONE could imagine. I mentioned this already on my Instagram post when he passed away, but in his sickness and facing his own death, Keith showed a maturity far beyond what any of us could have possibly possessed.

그러나 2017년4월에 평활근육종 진단을 받았을때 (세상에서 이 암이 300명 이하 발생해서 이런 병은 가장 희귀한 암이라고 알게되었어요) Keith는 우리 모두 예상한것 이상 너무 특별한 힘과 신앙을 보여주셨어요. 그가 돌아가셨을때 저의 인스타그램에서 이미 얘기했지만,암과 투병하고 자기의 죽음에 직면하면서 Keith는 일반사람들이 가질수 있는보다 훨씬 더 큰 성숙함을 보여주셨어요.

Keith never stopped praising God, never stopped declaring his love for Jesus, never wavered in his confidence that Jesus was his Lord and Saviour and that He would take Keith home, even if it mean his time here was ending soon. Keith did not stop to encourage others and praise others from his hospital bed, nor forgo the Gospel – but instead was even more insistent to others on living a life FOR Christ – coming from someone who was facing his own death. 
Even in his own pain and as his body became weaker and weaker, Keith thought of others above himself.
 He discipled a brother in Christ up until 2 weeks before his own death, and until he became physically too weak to speak – he boldly prayed for others to come to Christ. As a dying man, Keith knew that I have terrible back pain…yet kept thinking of how he could help me get a proper mattress…when my issue is incomparable to what his was….T_T

Keith는 계속해서 하나님을 경배하고 찬양했었고, 예수님을 향한 사랑을 끊임없이 선포했었고, 죽든지 살든지 예수님이 그의주와 구원자이라는것과 하나님께서 천국을 데리고 가주신다는자신감을 한번도 잃지않았어요. 병원의침대에서도 하나님의복음을 잃지않았고 끊임없이 다른사람들을 격려하고 칭찬해줬는데 심지어 주님을위한인생을 살아야된다고 더 강조했어요. 자기의 죽음에 직면하는Keith…

본인의 육체가 점점 약해지고 있고 많은아픔에도 불구하고 자신보다 다른사람들을 먼저 생각하는Keith.
 자기의 죽기 2주전까지 한 형제에게 (예수님의)제자 훈련을 시켰고, 자기가 육체적으로 말을 못할때까지 다른사람들이 예수님을 알수 있도록 열심히 기도했었어요. 죽어가는 사람으로써 Keith는 저의 심한 요통에 대해 잘 알고 있었는데 자기의 상황보다 제가 좋은 매트리스를 살수 있기를 어떻게 도와주실지 더 많이 생각한것 같았어요…저의 문제가 자기 문제과 비교가 안되는데…ㅠㅠ

Even in his sickness – Keith inspired me to run harder for Christ, and rather than me being an encouragement to him – a visit to the hospital would be a ray of sunshine into my heart, every single time. Thank you Lord, for allowing Keith into my life. Thank you, for Keith’s sunny and bright attitude…right up until the day he passed. I have never seen anyone live like Keith did, and I have NEVER seen anyone die like Keith did.

힘든 투병에도 불구하고 Keith는 저에게 예수님을 향해 달려가는 더 많은 열정을 가지게 해주었어요.

제가 Keith를 격려하러 병원에 갈 때마다 오히려 케이트가 저에게 많은 영감을 주었고 저는 마음의 빛을 안고 돌아왔어요. 하나님….감사합니다.  Keith를 제 삶에 주셔서, 친구로 만날 수 있게 해주셔서, 죽을때까지…너무 밝고 훌륭한 모습을 가진 그를 볼 수 있게 해주셔서 감사합니다. Keith만큼 인생을 살 수 있는사람을 본적이 없고, Keith만큼 인생을 마감하며 하나님 품으로 돌아가는 사람을 본 적이 없어요..

Keith went home to be with the Lord on June 12th, 2018 – one day short of his 4th wedding anniversary with his beautiful wife, and exactly one week short of his 38th birthday.

2018년6월12일에 하나님께서 Keith를 천국으로 불러주셨어요. 너무 아름다우신 와이프랑 4년째 결혼기념 하루전이고, 38번째 생일 딱 일주일전이었어요.

I think….more than me feeling hopeless in my own personal circumstances, Keith’s circumstance was the most painful to deal with – I failed to express it well – although consistently praying for him nearly every single day for the duration of his sickness, whether at home or at early morning prayer – but faced with the reality that Keith may really die shook my entire existence. Everything felt (and still does) like some twisted dream – so proud of his faith, but so full of hysteria at how the ground beneath me was breaking.

지금 생각해보니까…저의 개인사정때문에 너무 절망이라고 느끼는것보다 친한친구로써 Keith의상황을 감당하는것 더 힘들었더라고요.저는 또 다시 잘 표현 못했지만…아플때동안 집이든 새벽기도든 거의 매일 내내 Keith를위해 기도했지만 이 친구에게 정말 죽음이 다가왔다는 사실이 저한테 가장 충격적이었어요.

그때는(지금도)악몽을 꾸고 있는 것 같았어요 – Keith의 믿음이 너무 자랑스러웠지만, 저는 마음이 너무 힘들었고 세상이 흔들리는 기분이었어요.

Keith, like all of us who were close to you – I love you and miss you. Thank you for being my friend…thank you for being my family T___T It’s hard to not feel empty now, but like you – may I run harder for the prize that is eternal.

Keith,자기와 다른 친한친구들과 같이 너무 보고싶고,사랑합니다.나의 친구가 되어주셔서…너무 감사합니다. 나의 가족이 되어주셔서…너무 감사합니다ㅠㅠ 때로는 허전하고 힘들때도 있지만 , Keith처럼 내가 그 영원한 상을 향해 더 열심히 뛰기를 바래요.

So, as frightening as the fast approaching new year seems…I guess, a new season is coming. So many friends have left and gone, so many will leave next year too – and my heart gets a little bit heavier with each goodbye. Can I do this…on my own…?T_T

But I know that nothing is wasted by God, and that all of us are being led on our own journeys. I need to know what my own journey is, without someone else telling me what they think it is. And, we are forever family, even if the ones I hold dear do not live in the same country as me.

그래서 빨리 다가올 새해가 다가올수록 겁을 먹는것 같긴한데, 새로운 시즌이 다가 온다고 생각해요. 그래서 많은 친구들이 떠나가고 더 많은 친구들이 내년에 떠날것 같아요. 작별 인사를 할때마가 제 마음 점점 무거워지는거 같아요. 내가 과연 혼자서 잘 할수있을까?ㅠㅠ 하면서 말이에요.

그러나 하나님이 모든 것을 사용하시고 우리의 각자 자리에서 하나님이 우리를 인도하실거라 믿어요.그 누구가 뭐하고 하던 말이에요. 저는 소중하게 여기는사람들이 같은나라에서 살지않더라도 영원한 가족으로써 늘 연결 되어있다는부분도 기억할거고요.

Some doors have opened leading into next year which could hopefully help me visa and vision wise…but I am scared it’s going to be another trial in disguise; that I’ll open the door, God will punch me in the face and be like “SURPRISE!!! Welcome to your next round of training and hardships!” Haha…Lord, help me to believe! I have no strength left.

비자와 사명에 관해 내년으로 이어지는 도와줄 문들이 열리게 되었는데…또 다시 어떤 위장한 시련일까봐 무서워요. 그문을 열리다가 하나님이 저 얼굴을 때리고 “서프라이즈~!!다음 단계의 훈련과 고난에 오신것을 환영합니다!”ㅎㅎㅎ….주님,믿을수 있기를 도와주세요! 힘은 하나도 남지않았어요.

Trying to let go of my fear and anxiety, one day at a time. I want to declare that I believe 2019 to be great, but I don’t think I can lie haha. Rather than that, trying to focus on surrendering everything to God as best as I can with each passing day, to rediscover my faith and believe that maybe, good things will mayyybe come. Please Jesus?

하루하루 조금씩 저의 두려움과 불안을 버리려고 노력하는중이에요. 2019년이 좋은 한해일거라고 선포하고 싶지만….솔직하면 말하면 조금 두려워요. 그것보다는 가능한 한 하나님앞에 제 모든것을 나날이 내려놓을수 있도록 노력하고 있고, 저의 믿음이라는것을 재발견하며 아마…아 좋은일들이 생길수도있다고 믿고싶어요.주님?

2019’s prayers (sigh I feel more cynical with each passing year but ANYWAY, haha here goes):
2019년도 기도제목 (시간 지나면 지날수록 점점 내소적이지고 있지만ㅎㅎ아무튼)

  1. Stability (visa/finances/a dude haha)
    안정감(비자/금전적으로/배우자,ㅎㅎ)
  2. Health (stress management, decrease of chronic pain, hopefully lose weight, back into sports/exercise?)
    건강(스트레스 관리, 만성통증 줄임, 살 빼기, 운동 다시 시작할수 있도록)
  3. Relationship with God (understanding the true Gospel and living it out as a missionary)
    하나님과의 관계 (참된복음을 잘 이해하면서 선교사로써 펼쳐질수 있도록)
  4. Doors opening towards calling/purpose (you know if you know, if you don’t…nevermind^^)
    부르심/사명을 향한 문들을 열림 (무슨말 알고 있으면 이해할거고,모르면…몰라도 돼요^^)
  5. My own personal goals to develop and grow and if possible, expode into something awesome^^
    개인적인 목적들을 발전하고 성장하고 가능하다면 폭발하여 좋은것으로 될수 있도록^^
  6. My language skills to improve – Korean, but also FINALLY Mandarin/Cantonese
    저의 언어실력 늘어남 -한국어를 비롯해 중국어과 광둥어
  7. Loved ones and family to come to Christ<3
    사랑하는사람들과 가족분들이 예수님을 영접하도록^^

May you all have a blessed festive season, and may 2019 bring happiness, joy, and an intimacy with Jesus Christ:)
모두에게 너무 축복된 명절시즌 보내시고, 2019년에도 행복,기쁨 그리고 예수님과 친밀함을 잘 느낄수 있기를 축복합니다:)

Be blessed,
축복합니다!

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

WHO AM I

Identity. So simple, yet so hard to grasp for many of us. Our identity shapes who we are, what we do, and ultimately it fuels our life and the direction that we take. Identity. Something that I’ve struggled with my whole life, and have spend so much effort and time in the past few years trying to discover – WHO AM I? What makes me, me? What makes me tick? Why am I, the way that I am?

The simple answer is, as you may have guessed – Jesus. I know that full well now…that I am not defined by what my job is, what my income is (or isn’t), or even what I look like (although that’s a harder one to get past), but rather by the grace of God I am who, I am, and who He has created me to be.

The longer and more complicated answer is; if I don’t know clearly who I am, then I cannot serve God effectively in this lifetime, lest I get confused, lest I lose confidence (or rather in my case, don’t cultivate something from what was nothing), and become stuck at a crossroad (or many…), not knowing what I should be doing, where I should be going. And so this has been my thought process for a while now. WHO….AM…I? Is everything I thought I was created to be for His Kingdom, wrong? Or has God set me on another path, another season of training (it’s always training. Always, training…) until He is ready to reveal something else to me….until I am ready for it?

So many of the jigsaw pieces have started to fall into place, yet I still seem to be looking at the wrong ones. I used to get made fun of back in university (years ago; so long ago it almost shocks me), “Ooooh Beckii wants to be KOREAAAANN”…no, I do not want to be Korean. And even though I live with Koreans now and speak Korean 90-95% of the time; no, I still don’t want to be Korean. Rather I know that God opened this door for me and many others over the course of my life so far, gave me the ability to relate to many different cultures, to open my mind up to different languages – Korean, Thai, Singaporean, Malaysian, Australian, Indonesian, Hong Kong cultures, the hiphop culture, mental illness, the health science industry, the music industry, the martial art/taekwondo culture, the Kpop industry….and more…

But underneath it all I still can’t lose sight of who I am in all this. I’m of Singaporean Chinese descent, born into Australian culture. I’ve wanted nothing more than to draw, illustrate, be creative with art since I was a kid. Hiphop and streetwear captured my heart. And now, I just want to be able to serve God with the things that He gave me desires for.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post, or that I have any wise conclusion to give any readers. My brain is anxious and tired, cluttered with a thousand thoughts, running circles in my head, but I thought I would blog it out rather than letting it sit. Ultimately, we are sons and daughters in the Kingdom of God and our true identity lies in THIS – however, without an understanding of yourself and what makes you the way you are, the path before you is just going to be clouded with lies and things that are not really His desires for you (or the desires that He has put in your heart – there is a reason we have a passion for the things that we do).

Lord, give me the wisdom and discernment that I seek in this time…

Be blessed,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

CHOICES.

I’ve always had a self motto of being “as transparent as I possibly can” in who I am, in who I portray myself to be both online and offline. Why? So that I can be the most genuine, unedited version of myself that I can be, so that God’s grace given to me, the testimony of my life saved and changed by Christ would be the only thing that would shine out of my worries turned to favour, my pain turned into joy, a broken person made strong.

As some of you might know now, I now live in Bangkok rather than Seoul, in a much more missionary focused position. Given the changes, having a much more ‘public’ status so to speak; being so ‘transparent’ may not be the most viable option anymore…

I ask for your prayers, and remember at the end of the day…we are responsible for the decisions that we make.

Please follow me for updates at my Instagram: www.instagram.com/beckiiness; as I probably will be unable to update this blog for a long time yet.

God bless y’all,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

END OF YEAR MUSINGS 2015

monkeybear new years 2015

 

(Shameless plug: New Year drawing by ME featuring my favourite furry friends. For more art/design of mine, please go to www.facebook.com/beckiiness)

 

So it comes round to that time of year again, and I wish that I had more time to blog more frequently. Looking at how few blog posts I managed to write this year ( I think it was 4…4!?) reminds me that yes, God IS and was doing a crazy amount of things in my life this year (as always) so I didn’t even have time to sit down and clear my thoughts to write. But sometimes I wish I had another me so that I could share every lightbulb moment God placed on my heart in REAL TIME, right? haha…

 

Anyway, as I write every year, and as I have experienced every year – beyond anything I could have ever imagined, every year has been vastly different from the previous, and progressively more crazy. I am now writing this from Thailand, for one.
But looking back, I can clearly see how God has guided me, moulded me, and opened doors to prepare me for where He wanted me to go (even though it has always felt in the present – and still does – that I am walking blind in a fog), for who he wanted me to be, and ultimately as His desires become mine – the opportunity to do many things that I’ve always wanted to do, but never thought possible.

 

God is good in every season, and I am thankful:) So as I reflect…

 

2009: Started attending church after feeling touched by a youth service I attended once off with friends in Hong Kong. Got baptised soon after my first real encounter with God through a dream; but I kept barriers up and my mask on, and things got worse – lost my drivers license through an (unintentional) drink driving incident falling asleep at the wheel, realised in horror that I didn’t want to be an optometrist with 6 months until graduation (I have wanted to be an artist ever since I was little), battling several things at once left me severely mentally unbalanced towards the end of year (I told no one and remained as much as I could by myself at home), so much so I nearly failed university.

 

2010: Struggling working in Australia as an optometrist for long hours with a manipulative boss, hating my life and job, battling severe clinical depression and suicidal thoughts (note: daily thoughts I have had year in and year out since I was around 10 years old) amidst family dysfunction and refusing to meet or see any friends the entire year as a result from the depression and mental imbalance, barely sleeping and spending my free (note: hours I should have been sleeping) hours desperately practising drawing in a bid to develop another skill and as desperate self therapy to mentally stay put together…living on too much caffeine and painkillers to combat the constant headaches…praying desperately that God would pull me through…

 

2011: Started seeing a psychologist as a desperate attempt to stop the neverending persistent thoughts of wanting to kill myself and regular panic attacks, and to avoid the use of prescriptive medication (for fear of someone finding out about my depression/mental state), ended up sharing for the first time in my life about my depression in my small group at church, and received physical healing from the depressive effects – something I had daily for the past 1.5years (if you have depression, you will understand the physical side effects that come with it).
Internally renewing but the outer factors remained unchanged, so my mind started to slip backwards again.

 

2012: I ‘bought’ myself some time to think and moved to Korea during summer for 3 months to pray about where God wanted me to go, but distractions and wrong company made me fall away from church and I almost gave up believing. Answerless, I returned back to Australia for a few months, but then decided to ( for the meanwhile) go back to Korea at the end of the year to pursue God SERIOUSLY ( I challenged myself, “Just how hard can I run after God?”) desperately seeking to find more and to find purpose to combat the returning negative thoughts and lack of life meaning.

 

2013: My first full year living in Korea I saturated myself – double service every Sunday at two churches for 6 months; self- Bible reading/study every day, women’s ministry, church retreats, prayer meetings, conferences, discipleship, small group/Bible study groups, EVERYTHING and anything I could get my hands on. And then my eyes began to be opened…I received the gift of tongues, truly developed a REAL, strong understanding and relationship with Christ (prior to Korea I thought I knew but really had no idea what I believed in), still made a lot of mistakes falling on my face which made me TRULY understand His grace.
I once again, started training (perhaps too much) in taekwondo, but at the same time also started to become recognised for my art (after all the many sleepless nights and hours of practise I put in) and became involved in a North Korea related business as well as design at church, but wondered if hiphop could ever become something more in my life…something that I have always loved.

 

2014: My second year led me somehow to a good bboy friend of mine Dyzee (and I mention him everywhere haha), and my whole life started leaning towards hiphop as we became buddies in hiphop ministry, ended up leading hiphop bible studies for a few months with him and another friend, organising Christian hiphop jams with Dyzee a few times as Krosswerdz Korea, started getting involved in designing hiphop Christian apparel with this said friend and other friends separately in other churches, and started leading small groups and discipleship at church (who…ME? 0__o) as a leader.
That summer, I met the Korean electro hiphop missionary team Hispop, and I began to see how hiphop could be used as a tool for Christ…

 

2015: This year I finally started to understand my identity and who I am in Christ (that I have value as a person…I have value?!), I learnt how to wake up even more to His presence, and it led me to Thailand several times to serve with Hispop for different ministries short time. For the first time, I was able to go back to Australia with less fear in my heart, and my mother began to go to church. Hallelujah!
I ended up helping my friend out with R16, the biggest hiphop/bboy championships in Korea (working for Cartel Creative as staff – an event I would have previously flown out from Australia for, an event that I paid for tickets to watch in 2012, 2013 before I even met Dyzee! Who would have guessed back then…)…and now here I am in Thailand, delving into full time mission work as I made the decision to join as a missionary with the Hispop team.

 

5 years ago if you told me I would be where I am now, as someone with the drive and determination to spread the Gospel, as someone (mostly) free of depression and suicidal thoughts which plagued me DAILY year in and year out, as someone to live in a fully Korean speaking environment in Thailand (and translate things from Korean to English – I can’t believe I can converse in another language semi proficiently), as someone in a leadership role (or was) when I refused to even speak in public or stand on stage, as someone recognised for my art and design skills as someone who is actually an optometrist by training…even thought life is still SO hard, and I’m still struggling so much in this fog…I look back as this year comes to an end and I thank you, God. I thank You for everything you have made me into, I thank You for all the blessings, all the connections, even though I couldn’t see it at the time.

 

So as 2016 (literally) starts in a few days, I pray and hope that I will continue to grow, continue to grow closer to Him, to understand and be shown where my purpose and calling is, to finally feel like I belong somewhere, and for more breakthrough. I ask every year for breakthrough and it doesn’t really come, but I’ll keep asking…please Lord? hahaha.

 

I pray that in 2016:

 

  1. I’ll be on the path to somehow get married…please? hahaha. And that all my dearest single sisters and brothers get married too (shout outs especially to my church fam in Korea)~! haha.
  2. That I’ll be fluent in Korean, quickly pick up Thai and hopefully improve my Mandarin and Cantonese FAST (fail Chinese person)…and then move onto other languages?! YAS?
  3. That God will use me in ways beyond my imagination to reach people world wide, and give me stability and concrete understand in WHAT this life is for, that I will have no doubt in my calling.
  4. BREAKTHROUGH. PREASE. THANKYOU^^

 

And I pray that for you, you who is reading this – you too, whether you believe or not – that His love, the love of Christ will transform your life, CAN transform your life into something beyond anything you can imagine.

 

2016…lets go.

 

Be blessed,

 

Beckii.
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Reblogs

SPOT ON.

A bit of a filler post until I get time to write up the next one (currently got a few swirling in my head); but I came across this post on Debra Fileta’s True Love Dates’ website and thought it hit the nail on the head – more times than not, people are not turned off by Christianity in itself, but rather the only real representation of Christ on earth – the Christian.

The lukewarm, hypocritical Christian at that. Who was the reason why the baby Christian Beckii never wanted to open up, and the reason a lot of my friends don’t see the need for Jesus – because the representative looks just like the world. Enjoy~

“The best argument for Christianity is Christians: their joy, their certainty, their completeness. But the strongest argument against Christianity is also Christians–when they are sombre and joyless, when they are self-righteous and smug in complacent consecration, when they are narrow and repressive, then Christianity dies a thousand deaths.” — Sheldon Vanauken

Dear Christian,

I have to be honest, I have mixed feelings about you.  A love/hate relationship if you will.  It’s like looking at two sides of a coin, trying to figure out which one is really you.  Part of me wants what you have so badly– faith, purpose, meaning — but the other side of me is too scared to jump in.

There are days that you draw me in.  I look at you and see the most loving eyes, the most gentle hands, the most open heart.  I watch as you take care of your community, as you reach out to the poor and the needy, as you mend the hearts of the broken.  There is something so meaningful and purposeful behind the way you live your life.

I am overcome by your ability to reach into my loneliness.  Reminding me that I’m not all by myself.  That someone really does care for and love me.  Somehow you always seem to know just what I need–it’s as though you had a direct line to God, or something.

I am challenged by the way you give up your time, your money, and your self for others.  I’m drawn to the fact that you are so humble, yet so confident.  You’re honest about the fact that you don’t always have it together- but that you’re working on it.  I love that genuineness…it pushes me to be real with myself as well.  It makes me want to open up.

There is something about your smile that seems real to me.  Even during really hard times.  It makes me wonder where you get such joy.  How you have such strength.  It makes me long for what you have.

Sometimes I look at your faith, and the way you hold on with all of your heart…and wish I had something to give my all to.

But then I get stuck.  I get stuck because I see the other side to your who you are, and I find myself confused.  Because some days you encourage me, but other days you disappoint me.

Other days, it’s as though something has come over you.  You aren’t acting like yourself.  I begin to wonder which side is really you. You are filled with pride and arrogance, acting like you really know it all and have it all together.  It makes me scared to come to you with my problems…because I’m afraid you’ll just judge me.

It  confuses me to watch you so caught up in the things I get caught up in- money, lust, fame and fortune.  It’s as though the American Dream has got you on a leash.  I thought you talked about bigger things?  I thought you said this world wasn’t your home?

Then why do you seem so comfortable here?  Why does your stuff matter so much?

If you can’t be free of it, than maybe I can’t either.

Even if I look past all that, the hardest thing for me is that you seem to have an opinion about everything.  What I should wear, where I should go, who I should be friends with, what I should eat and drink, how I should vote, what I should believe.  You talk about this great God of love- yet I feel constantly judged by you, not loved.  I feel as though I am under a magnifying glass and you’re picking me apart, never satisfied with who I am.

I want to get closer to you…to try and understand you…but your holier-than-thou attitude reminds me that I can’t get too close.  Maybe I’m not good enough for you.  Which makes me wonder if maybe I’m not good enough for God.  Maybe I’ll never be.

Either way, I’m going to keep watching–waiting to see the real you.  There’s a part of me that wants what you have–but a part of me that’s still confused.  But I’ll be here.  Waiting for you to show me who you really are.  Until then, don’t be surprised if I keep my distance.  I want to get closer, but I have to keep myself safe.   I guess I’m still trying to figure it all out.

And I guess maybe, you are too.  I hope you figure this out soon.  I hope you find yourself. I hope you decide who you really want to be and stick to it.

When you do, come find me. I’ll be waiting. 

Cautiously watching,

The World.

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Personal Musings

STREETLIGHTS

So as always, its been a minute since I had time to blog….and as always, a lot of…STUFF. And TRANSITION. And CHANGES have occurred. And right now, I don’t quite have enough time to write something concise YET…but best believe I got ALL sorts of things that I want to blog out right now! Swirling around in my head….

Just a short post to pimp out a recent finding of mine….STREETLIGHTS.

What is this, you ask? Let me say by saying, I have always had trouble reading my Bible. Back in my time in Australia I barely read at all…but now, I read it a lot, and I am continually pushing myself to read it more and more (per day, now that I have finally pushed myself into FINALLY keeping to daily readings), yet I STILL have trouble in feeling the depth behind the words.

The Bible is true and the Word is living – I know this full well. Yet especially in my attempts to read the Old Testament, it just seemed like…a story. I’m a visual person, but I couldn’t feel the depths of the words…until now.

With my now (improved) QT/daily devotional time in which I am finally learning how to properly meditate and THINK over the verses I am reading, combined with STREETLIGHTS…wow. God’s Word is starting to blaze, a burning fire in my heart as I am understanding more and more who He is, who WE are…and ultimately how sovereign He is over all. Wow.

So enough stalling! STREETLIGHTS is a project done by well known Christian hiphop/spoken word artists in America – an audio bible, 4 albums of books of the Bible narrated by the said artists over dope hiphop beats.

No doubt, I can’t even explain how much this has made me understand everything in SO much more depth, the power of His Word within me. And I freakin LOVE hiphop so this is WONDERFUL. Best thing? It’s FREEEEEEEE. All of it is free! Hallelujah!!

You can find the 4 albums HERE: http://www.streetlightsbible.com/downloads/

FIRE. I love ittt~!!!

That is all for now. Many things to come but the thoughts are still processing in my head…

God bless!

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

I remember my psychologist used to tell me, “You know, from someone that grew up in the circumstances/environment you did, you turned out pretty well.” I used to shrug it off and think, “No I didn’t…What the hell is she talking about?”

But as the years have gone by and I am older, and (hopefully) all the more wiser through the seasons I start to realise that yes…God DID protect me from going down the wrong paths, to an extent. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll…..hahahaha. I had none of those things, though at times I really wanted to, as a way of escape from my reality.

So why didn’t I? Maybe it was just circumstantial, or maybe it was that tiny, niggling feeling in me that wanted to do the right thing, that wanted to believe there was something greater than the cloudy skies and pain that I saw in my life, that knew that these things would mess me up even more…maybe. Hahaha.

 

But a good few years after being pulled from the psychological dark pit I was in and seeing with new eyes, I realise how blessed I am to have escaped the bondage of things like drugs, smoking, sexual addictions/abuse, etc…which are tough skeletons and shadows to shake off for many friends and aquaintainces around me…

Make no mistake, still the bricks I had weighing me down in life were and still are enough to have left deep scars – but even more it makes me think. We each go through specific circumstances in our lives, good and bad – to make us, to mould us into the person that we WERE, that we ARE, that we WILL BE.

 

So even now, in the unstable state that I am in – that I have been ever since stepping foot into South Korea, and increasingly so, with each passing month – and with that coming loneliness, insecurity, frustration, pain, anxiety, disappointments – that I DO truly believe that everything happens for a reason. That God has a plan and a purpose for my life, and although I only see a short distance in front of me (or rather, not at all), that He sees all of it. He saw my beginning, and He knows my end. Every person met is a blessing or a lesson. Each trial and hardship tackled and endured is one step closer to refining your character, and one step further on the road that God has designed for me.

Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

Philippians 1:6 “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

God KNEW us before we even knew ourselves. God CALLED us, He CHOSE us.

 

But its hard. Despite knowing that God is faithful, God is sovereign, and that everything will happen according to His will for the good of those who love Him…I falter, I cry, I stumble in the MIDST of these trials. And I feel like giving up.

I endure the wait because I KNOW these past two years have been training; that God has completely ripped out the old and nurtured the new in me; that I am a shadow of the person I used to be; yet there are still, fragments remaining, and I know that when I look away from Him, the worries of the world and the lies that the devil has placed in my head CONSUME me.
When will I be able to be free of visa issues? Or do I go back to the old life that I hated that kept me in bondage for the sake of stability? When will I have an actual paying job again (and once again regain the respect of my parents – although I know deep down my money-making potential does NOT equal my identity of who I am and what I am worth, but that’s a blog for another day)? What am I SUPPOSED to do in my life? When will my season of singleness end? Why am I praying double what I used to, yet You seem so far? When will I feel like I belong, rather than feeling like I’m everyone’s second choice and a misfit?

Most of these are lies…and most of them I just allow to permeate and circle in my head. Most of these things the Lord DOES have an answer to, its just the human side of me being impatient.

But frankly…I am tired. I am so DONE with everything, and all the uncertainty I feel. So many times I just want to swear, scream, flip a table and drink my sorrows away – yet I know that truly isn’t the right answer; and that as I have said earlier; God IS sovereign and everything DOES truly happen for a reason, including the waiting…so even in the unseen, God grows my character and who I am despite me being a child, kicking and screaming on the inside.

Romans 5:1-5 “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

So what do we have if not hope? Faith is the UNSEEN. Lord let me cling onto the hope that is in You; and know that You WILL. This storm shall too, pass…

1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

 

 

Be blessed,

Beckii.

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