Personal Musings

PUSH THROUGH: END OF YEAR MUSINGS 2018 (한국말)

I realise that in past 2 years, I’ve started this post off exactly the same as what I was just about to write – “So it’s that time of year again….” I guess I really am a creature of habit, ahaha. But yes, it is indeed that time of year again where I sit down and organise my thoughts and look back on what happened this year.

제가 쓸려고 했던 인트로는 지난 2년의 썼던 내용들과 정말 똑같네요. “한해의 끝자락이 다시 왔네요..”제 습관 인가봐요ㅎㅎ 그래도 앉아서 저의 많은 생각들을 정리하면서 올해의 발생한일을 돌아봐야할때가 또 다시 왔죠.

Truthfully, 2018 went by incredibly quickly. I’m still not in a place where I’m able to clearly sort out my thoughts and process everything, but I’m going to try for the sake of looking back on this in coming years and having assurance that there is a reason for everything.

사실, 2018년이 너무 빨리 지나갔어요.일어난 모든 일에 대해 너무 명확히 생각하고 잘 정리할수 없지만, 앞으로 몇년간 후에 다시 뒤돌아볼때 모든것에는 이유가 있다는 확신을 느낄수 있도록 노력하겠어요.

If I look at everything I accomplished this year from a ‘worldly’ point of view, I’m not sure what I have to show, haha. Nothing? I am not sure, to be honest. If last year was one of learning to rest in God and finding my worth NOT according to how much I earn, what my social status is or what job I hold….but rather seeing myself through His eyes, not my own – then this year was one step further – to hold on to that worth and learn to trust God in a season where even more was stripped away, and I needed to find my own faith without the reliance on the friends around me, a church, or anything else.

올 한해의 성취던것을’세상적인’관점으로 보면 제가 보여드릴수 있는것을 뭔지 모르겠어요, ㅎㅎㅎ.아무것도 없나?잘 모르겠다는 사실이에요.

작년에 돈을 얼마나 벌든 사회적 지위가 어떻게 되든 직업이 가지고 있든지 이런것에 상관없이 저의 가치라는것을 자기의 눈 아니라…하나님 시선으로 이해하며 하나님 안에 거하라는것을 배운해이었다면 올해는 다음 단계인것 같아요. 이 가치라는것을 붙잡고 더~~ 많은 것을 빼앗길 시즌가운데 친구, 교회,다른것 없이 저의 개인적인 신앙을 찾아야겠다는것.

After MONTHS of study and prep and high tension stress, my visa application rejected once again. No visa stability for the 7th year? Ready to throw a table.
The church I was attending and investing myself into destroyed itself a few months prior; my 3rd church break in the 5 years I’ve been in Korea (6th year overseas). Do I want to go to church anymore? Not really, but trying to push myself to.
Tired and burnt out from trauma, stress and hard circumstances – close, close friends, many of which I consider family who have been in Korea much longer than I – left in masses this year, or plan to leave next year. An exodus. Time to find new community…again. Still ‘alone’. (dammit…I’m getting old…) Should I give up and leave? I want to, haha….but that’s not the answer.

몇 달 동 너무 열심히 공부하고 준비하고 몸이 아프게 된정도로 스트레스를 받은다음에, 저의 비자신청은 거부당했어요. 7년째 비자에 대한 불안을 느껴야되나요?밥상을 뒤집고 싶은 심정이었어요.

오랫동안 마음을 다해 다녔던 교회는 먗달전에 망가졌어요 -한국에 있는5년동안(해외에 사는지6년째) 3번째 겪었던 교회가 분리된 일이었어요.더 이상 교회 가고싶은마음이 있나요?아니요, 별로 없지만….계속 나가려고 노력하고 있어요.

피곤하고 그 동안 겪었던 트라우마때문에 지치고,스트레스과 힘든상황을 많이 경험했기때문에 저보다 한국에 오래 사는 가족처럼 여기는 수많은 친한친구들이 올해 떠났어요.내년에, 다른친구들 또 떠날거고요. 완전 대탈출. 또,새로운 공동체를 찾아야겠어요.아직까지 ‘혼자서’지내요 (힝…너무 늙어지고 있음). 저도 포기하고 떠날까요? 마음 한구석에 정말 원하는데ㅎㅎㅎ정답 아니지만…

So much happened this year, yet at the same time when I look back, only one thing really sticks out in my mind, the thing that hit home the hardest – the passing of my dear friend, Keith.

올해에 수많은 일이 일어나지만 한편으로 뒤돌아보니까 정말 충격받았던일,제 기억속에 생생하게 남아있는 유일한 일은 저의 사랑하는 친구가 Keith이 돌아가신다는것.

Keith was one of the very first friends who quickly became family to my scared lil introvert ass when I came to Korea at the end of 2012. As anyone knows who has seen my 180 degree transformation over the past few years living overseas – back then my fear of people and my non existent self esteem made me seem very antisocial and nervous, and I would often cower and run away from any social interaction past a ‘hello’.

Despite this, Keith (and other friends who became family) relentlessly pursued in love – greeting me with opens arms and a big smile every Sunday at church, inviting me to hang out at his house with others, or random board game nights, movie nights and dinners – very, very frequently. Due to my insecurities and social fear I rejected these invitations more often than not, which I now deeply, deeply regret – but I was always thankful that I was thought of and cared for, even though I could not express just how grateful I was. I felt loved, and it meant SO much to me.

2012년말에 걱정이 많고 두려움으로 가득 차 있는제가 한국으로 왔었을때 Keith는 빨리 가족이 된 첫친구들중에 하나이었어요.해외에서 지난 몇년간 살아가면서 저의 완전 변신한것을 보는 친구이라면 누구나 아시다시피 그때는 심각한 낯가림과 거의 없는 자신감을 가지고 있는 제가 다른사람들에게 진짜 반사회적이고 되게 긴장한 사람처럼 보일수도 있었고, “안녕”보다 더 깊이 들어갈수 있는 사회적 상호작용을 피하고 도망하곤 했어요.

그럼에도 불구하고 Keith(과 다른 가족이 될친구들)는 하나님의 사랑으로 끊임없이 저한테 다가왔어요.주일마다 교회에서 Keith는 함박웃음을 지으면서 저를 너무 반갑게 아주셨고,다른 친구들과 그의집에 초대하셨고,같이 게임을 하거나 영화를 보거나 밥을 자고 자꾸 불러주셨어요. 지금 많이~~~후회하지만 저의 불안과 대인 기피증때분에 이런 초대를 자주 거부하게 되었어요. 얼마나 감사하는지 잘 표현할수 없었지만 누구든 저를 생각해주고 챙겨주셨으면 너무 감사해요. 사랑을 잘 느꼈고, 저에게 큰 의미가 있었고요.

I may not have shown it well, but who I am today, is the fruit of the love I received then.

티가 안났었지만,그때 받았던 사랑때문에 오늘의 나란사람의 열매를 맺게 되었어요.

When I became part of leadership at the church we all attended back then, Keith and the rest of us on leadership went through many, many hardships together – it was in these moments that (as foreigners in a country not our own) we all became closer – holding our own prayer meetings and praying for the nation and our circumstances, praying FOR each other – and it was then that not only did our own individual relationships with God strengthen, but I then really felt like we were family, holding hands and standing together in the midst of our storms.

그때 다니고 있었던 교회의 리더십팀에 들어갔었을때 저랑 Keith이랑 우리 리더끼리는 많은 시련을 같이 겪었는데 이런 힘든시간들가운데 다른 나라에 사는 외국인들로써 우리 많이 친해졌어요. 기도모임을 따로 하며 이땅과 우리의 현재 사황을위해 기도했고,서로를위해 기도해줬고요.우리가 하나님과의 개인적인 관계들이 튼튼해지는것을 볼수 있을뿐만 아니라 그제서야 정말 가족이라고 느꼈어요 – 우리의 폭풍이 한창일 때에 손을 잡고 같이 버티고 있다는것.

Although older than a lot of us, Keith had the aura of a playful little brother – a cheeky smile plastered on his face, always cracking jokes and always, always playing video games (although I have never seen ANYONE make gaming into a source of revenue like he somehow was able to, haha). Amongst us he was the ‘princess’, who although having been in Korea for many years could not string together anything too much more than “Annyeonghaseyo” and “(insert food item here) juseyo” in a heavy American accent, who often woke up late and rocked up late to leadership meetings.

우리 대부분보다 나이 좀 더 많지만 Keith는 깜찍한 남동생처럼 여길수 있었어요.천진한 미소를 지으면서 늘 장난을 치고 늘 비디오 게임을 열심히 하고 있는 그런사람이었어요(그리고 다른사람들과 달리 게임하는것에서 그렇게 엄청난 수익을 얻는것을 처음 봤어요~!ㅋㅋ).우리 친구들중에 Keith는 ‘공주’이라는호칭이 있었고 한국에서 수년간 살고 있어도 서투른 발음으로 “안녕하세요”과 “(어떤 음식을 추가요) 주세요” 밖에 얘기할수 없으며 늦게 일어나서 리더십 회의에 자꾸 지각한 그런 친구이었어요.

But in April 2017 when Keith got diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma, his particular type being the rarest form of cancer in the world (less than 300 cases worldwise), he showed us all a strength and faith, greater than ANYONE could imagine. I mentioned this already on my Instagram post when he passed away, but in his sickness and facing his own death, Keith showed a maturity far beyond what any of us could have possibly possessed.

그러나 2017년4월에 평활근육종 진단을 받았을때 (세상에서 이 암이 300명 이하 발생해서 이런 병은 가장 희귀한 암이라고 알게되었어요) Keith는 우리 모두 예상한것 이상 너무 특별한 힘과 신앙을 보여주셨어요. 그가 돌아가셨을때 저의 인스타그램에서 이미 얘기했지만,암과 투병하고 자기의 죽음에 직면하면서 Keith는 일반사람들이 가질수 있는보다 훨씬 더 큰 성숙함을 보여주셨어요.

Keith never stopped praising God, never stopped declaring his love for Jesus, never wavered in his confidence that Jesus was his Lord and Saviour and that He would take Keith home, even if it mean his time here was ending soon. Keith did not stop to encourage others and praise others from his hospital bed, nor forgo the Gospel – but instead was even more insistent to others on living a life FOR Christ – coming from someone who was facing his own death. 
Even in his own pain and as his body became weaker and weaker, Keith thought of others above himself.
 He discipled a brother in Christ up until 2 weeks before his own death, and until he became physically too weak to speak – he boldly prayed for others to come to Christ. As a dying man, Keith knew that I have terrible back pain…yet kept thinking of how he could help me get a proper mattress…when my issue is incomparable to what his was….T_T

Keith는 계속해서 하나님을 경배하고 찬양했었고, 예수님을 향한 사랑을 끊임없이 선포했었고, 죽든지 살든지 예수님이 그의주와 구원자이라는것과 하나님께서 천국을 데리고 가주신다는자신감을 한번도 잃지않았어요. 병원의침대에서도 하나님의복음을 잃지않았고 끊임없이 다른사람들을 격려하고 칭찬해줬는데 심지어 주님을위한인생을 살아야된다고 더 강조했어요. 자기의 죽음에 직면하는Keith…

본인의 육체가 점점 약해지고 있고 많은아픔에도 불구하고 자신보다 다른사람들을 먼저 생각하는Keith.
 자기의 죽기 2주전까지 한 형제에게 (예수님의)제자 훈련을 시켰고, 자기가 육체적으로 말을 못할때까지 다른사람들이 예수님을 알수 있도록 열심히 기도했었어요. 죽어가는 사람으로써 Keith는 저의 심한 요통에 대해 잘 알고 있었는데 자기의 상황보다 제가 좋은 매트리스를 살수 있기를 어떻게 도와주실지 더 많이 생각한것 같았어요…저의 문제가 자기 문제과 비교가 안되는데…ㅠㅠ

Even in his sickness – Keith inspired me to run harder for Christ, and rather than me being an encouragement to him – a visit to the hospital would be a ray of sunshine into my heart, every single time. Thank you Lord, for allowing Keith into my life. Thank you, for Keith’s sunny and bright attitude…right up until the day he passed. I have never seen anyone live like Keith did, and I have NEVER seen anyone die like Keith did.

힘든 투병에도 불구하고 Keith는 저에게 예수님을 향해 달려가는 더 많은 열정을 가지게 해주었어요.

제가 Keith를 격려하러 병원에 갈 때마다 오히려 케이트가 저에게 많은 영감을 주었고 저는 마음의 빛을 안고 돌아왔어요. 하나님….감사합니다.  Keith를 제 삶에 주셔서, 친구로 만날 수 있게 해주셔서, 죽을때까지…너무 밝고 훌륭한 모습을 가진 그를 볼 수 있게 해주셔서 감사합니다. Keith만큼 인생을 살 수 있는사람을 본적이 없고, Keith만큼 인생을 마감하며 하나님 품으로 돌아가는 사람을 본 적이 없어요..

Keith went home to be with the Lord on June 12th, 2018 – one day short of his 4th wedding anniversary with his beautiful wife, and exactly one week short of his 38th birthday.

2018년6월12일에 하나님께서 Keith를 천국으로 불러주셨어요. 너무 아름다우신 와이프랑 4년째 결혼기념 하루전이고, 38번째 생일 딱 일주일전이었어요.

I think….more than me feeling hopeless in my own personal circumstances, Keith’s circumstance was the most painful to deal with – I failed to express it well – although consistently praying for him nearly every single day for the duration of his sickness, whether at home or at early morning prayer – but faced with the reality that Keith may really die shook my entire existence. Everything felt (and still does) like some twisted dream – so proud of his faith, but so full of hysteria at how the ground beneath me was breaking.

지금 생각해보니까…저의 개인사정때문에 너무 절망이라고 느끼는것보다 친한친구로써 Keith의상황을 감당하는것 더 힘들었더라고요.저는 또 다시 잘 표현 못했지만…아플때동안 집이든 새벽기도든 거의 매일 내내 Keith를위해 기도했지만 이 친구에게 정말 죽음이 다가왔다는 사실이 저한테 가장 충격적이었어요.

그때는(지금도)악몽을 꾸고 있는 것 같았어요 – Keith의 믿음이 너무 자랑스러웠지만, 저는 마음이 너무 힘들었고 세상이 흔들리는 기분이었어요.

Keith, like all of us who were close to you – I love you and miss you. Thank you for being my friend…thank you for being my family T___T It’s hard to not feel empty now, but like you – may I run harder for the prize that is eternal.

Keith,자기와 다른 친한친구들과 같이 너무 보고싶고,사랑합니다.나의 친구가 되어주셔서…너무 감사합니다. 나의 가족이 되어주셔서…너무 감사합니다ㅠㅠ 때로는 허전하고 힘들때도 있지만 , Keith처럼 내가 그 영원한 상을 향해 더 열심히 뛰기를 바래요.

So, as frightening as the fast approaching new year seems…I guess, a new season is coming. So many friends have left and gone, so many will leave next year too – and my heart gets a little bit heavier with each goodbye. Can I do this…on my own…?T_T

But I know that nothing is wasted by God, and that all of us are being led on our own journeys. I need to know what my own journey is, without someone else telling me what they think it is. And, we are forever family, even if the ones I hold dear do not live in the same country as me.

그래서 빨리 다가올 새해가 다가올수록 겁을 먹는것 같긴한데, 새로운 시즌이 다가 온다고 생각해요. 그래서 많은 친구들이 떠나가고 더 많은 친구들이 내년에 떠날것 같아요. 작별 인사를 할때마가 제 마음 점점 무거워지는거 같아요. 내가 과연 혼자서 잘 할수있을까?ㅠㅠ 하면서 말이에요.

그러나 하나님이 모든 것을 사용하시고 우리의 각자 자리에서 하나님이 우리를 인도하실거라 믿어요.그 누구가 뭐하고 하던 말이에요. 저는 소중하게 여기는사람들이 같은나라에서 살지않더라도 영원한 가족으로써 늘 연결 되어있다는부분도 기억할거고요.

Some doors have opened leading into next year which could hopefully help me visa and vision wise…but I am scared it’s going to be another trial in disguise; that I’ll open the door, God will punch me in the face and be like “SURPRISE!!! Welcome to your next round of training and hardships!” Haha…Lord, help me to believe! I have no strength left.

비자와 사명에 관해 내년으로 이어지는 도와줄 문들이 열리게 되었는데…또 다시 어떤 위장한 시련일까봐 무서워요. 그문을 열리다가 하나님이 저 얼굴을 때리고 “서프라이즈~!!다음 단계의 훈련과 고난에 오신것을 환영합니다!”ㅎㅎㅎ….주님,믿을수 있기를 도와주세요! 힘은 하나도 남지않았어요.

Trying to let go of my fear and anxiety, one day at a time. I want to declare that I believe 2019 to be great, but I don’t think I can lie haha. Rather than that, trying to focus on surrendering everything to God as best as I can with each passing day, to rediscover my faith and believe that maybe, good things will mayyybe come. Please Jesus?

하루하루 조금씩 저의 두려움과 불안을 버리려고 노력하는중이에요. 2019년이 좋은 한해일거라고 선포하고 싶지만….솔직하면 말하면 조금 두려워요. 그것보다는 가능한 한 하나님앞에 제 모든것을 나날이 내려놓을수 있도록 노력하고 있고, 저의 믿음이라는것을 재발견하며 아마…아 좋은일들이 생길수도있다고 믿고싶어요.주님?

2019’s prayers (sigh I feel more cynical with each passing year but ANYWAY, haha here goes):
2019년도 기도제목 (시간 지나면 지날수록 점점 내소적이지고 있지만ㅎㅎ아무튼)

  1. Stability (visa/finances/a dude haha)
    안정감(비자/금전적으로/배우자,ㅎㅎ)
  2. Health (stress management, decrease of chronic pain, hopefully lose weight, back into sports/exercise?)
    건강(스트레스 관리, 만성통증 줄임, 살 빼기, 운동 다시 시작할수 있도록)
  3. Relationship with God (understanding the true Gospel and living it out as a missionary)
    하나님과의 관계 (참된복음을 잘 이해하면서 선교사로써 펼쳐질수 있도록)
  4. Doors opening towards calling/purpose (you know if you know, if you don’t…nevermind^^)
    부르심/사명을 향한 문들을 열림 (무슨말 알고 있으면 이해할거고,모르면…몰라도 돼요^^)
  5. My own personal goals to develop and grow and if possible, expode into something awesome^^
    개인적인 목적들을 발전하고 성장하고 가능하다면 폭발하여 좋은것으로 될수 있도록^^
  6. My language skills to improve – Korean, but also FINALLY Mandarin/Cantonese
    저의 언어실력 늘어남 -한국어를 비롯해 중국어과 광둥어
  7. Loved ones and family to come to Christ<3
    사랑하는사람들과 가족분들이 예수님을 영접하도록^^

May you all have a blessed festive season, and may 2019 bring happiness, joy, and an intimacy with Jesus Christ:)
모두에게 너무 축복된 명절시즌 보내시고, 2019년에도 행복,기쁨 그리고 예수님과 친밀함을 잘 느낄수 있기를 축복합니다:)

Be blessed,
축복합니다!

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

LOVE YOURSELF: END OF YEAR MUSINGS 2017 (한국말)

monkeybear NYE 2017

So it’s that time of year again….again. Haha. Life has been so crazy and I’ve been unable to focus on very many things this year, that once again its been…a whole year since I’ve touched this blog. Once again I will attempt to sort out my thoughts and feelings and things that I felt God has taught me this year, and again try to translate it into Korean (A lil sis of mine checked it…so don’t be fooled that I have flawless Korean, haha). It’s going to be long, but please stay with me as I try to summarise a whole year, haha:)
한 해의 끝자락이 다시 왔네요……또 다시. 하하. 올해는 내 삶에 아마 가장 정신 없는 해 였던 동시에 여러가지에 정신이 분산되어 집중하기 어려웠지만 그래도 견뎌냈어요. 블로그에 글을 쓴지 일년이 훌쩍 넘어간 것 같네요. 올해도 하나님께서 가르쳐 주셨던 것과 여러가지의 생각과 감정을 한국어로 번역해보겠습니다. 약간 길 긴 하겠지만 최대한 요약해볼태니 이해해주세요. 그리고 이 번역내용은 어떤 친한동생이 확인해서 제가 올린 내용이라서…제가 한국말을 너무 잘 한다는것 아닙니다 ㅋㅋ 착각하지마세요^^

I came back to Korea in March of this year in a pretty broken state, complete with the sudden dissolution of my church community for the second time, and a very close friend falling terminally(? I hope not) ill with cancer, plus my ever present visa issues and lack of money. I came back with the absolute terror of once again facing the unknown, plagued by the voices of doubt telling me that I was going to fail – that what I want to do, the many things I dream of doing are ludicrous and stupid and that I should just be like everyone else, because that’s “the best way to go.” Physically and psychologically the anxiety took over and affected my health, which resulted in blood composition problems and frequent anxiety attacks as soon as I was overseas.
이번 3월에 한국에 다시 왔을 때는 절망을 하게 되었어요. 그때 다니던 교회도 갑자기 사라지게 되고 (이번까지 두번째로 있었던 일이지만), 너무나도 가깝게 지내던 친구 조차 희귀암 판정을 받게 되고, 여전히 내 목을 조여오는 비자 문제와 넉넉치 않은 생활자금에 엉망이 되어 버린 것 같았어요. 또 다시 미지의 세계에 직면할거라는 두려움으로 실패의 그림자가 속삭였죠. 그럴 때 마다 내 자신이 작아지고 이루고싶은꿈들이 터무니없는것이라서 그 목소리들은 저한테 가장 좋은방법은 내가 하고 싶은것보다 모든 다른 사람처럼 그냥 따라가는 것이 맞다고 말했어요. 이러한 불안감에 휩싸여 육체적으로 정신적으로 면역력이 약해지는 것을 느꼈고 해외 나갔을때에 혈액안의 성분 불균형과 문제로 불안 발작을 일으켜 힘든 나날들을 보냈어요.

So the questions (though I suppose they never really left) became louder once again. What am I doing? Why am I here? WHAT IF I FAIL? What am I supposed to do, God?!? I’ve tried my best to follow You and be obedient over the years to where You have taken me…so why is everything STILL falling apart? Am I delusional to try to believe in my dreams…do I give up? I’m tired, Lord. And I’m tired of being alone…
늘 존재하하던 부정적인 생각들은 저를 집어 삼킬 것처럼 커져만 갔고, 나 지금 뭐하는 거지? 왜 여기에 있지? 내가 실패를 하면 어떡하지? 난 도대체 뭘 해야 하는 거지? 주님!? 제가 어떻게 하면 되겠습니까? 수년간에 어디로 보내주실지 하나님을 따라가려고 엄청 노력했고 하나님께 순종하려고 최선을 다 하는데 지금도 왜 모든것이 허물어지고 있는것 같아요? 내 이루고싶은꿈을 믿으려고 노력하면 되는 것일까요? 아니면 그저 제 망상일 뿐인가요? 포기할까요? 힘들어요, 하나님. 늘 혼자 되는것도 너무나도 지쳐요…

I felt hysterical, crazy, and utterly hopeless for most of this year – at a loss of what to do. In the world’s eyes at least, I was in the last year of my 20s and I had nothing to show for it – no job, no visa, no money, no husband, no baby (everyone back at home has all of the above and more, haha), and a religious psycho for leaving behind my high paying job back in Australia for seemingly nothing.
저는 일년의 대부분을 히스테리를 부렸고 미쳐버릴거 같았고 절망도 많이 느꼈어요…제가 무엇을 해야될지 전혀 몰랐죠. 세상의 시선아래 20대의 마지막 해가 들어서 버렸네요. 아무 성과도 없는거 같아요. 직업도, 비자도, 돈도, 남편도, 아이도 없고 말이죠. 페이가 넉넉한 직업을 버리고 하느님 하나만 바라보고 가지고 있던 것을 버렸다는 이유로 내가 완전 종교에 미친 사람인것지 않을까 싶어요.

In the midst of this, God asked me, “Do you trust Me?” and at that moment – of the past 4 years running after God and trying to just focus on ministry above all – I realised all at once in HORROR, that no, I do not. I don’t trust You one bit…I trust You to bless and love all of those around me who I pray for and wish to see You bless…but me? Why would you give anything to me? What I want…doesn’t really matter, right? I don’t matter, right?
이 시간가운데 하나님은 저한테 “넌 나를 믿니?”물어봤어요. 그때 당시 4년동안 하나님을 따라 달리고 무엇보다도 사역만 집중하려고 노력하면서도 제가 경악 속에 하나님이 절대 믿지않다는것을 깨달았어요. 조금도 믿지않아요…나는 중보해주고 하나님께 축복을 받으시길 바라는 주변에 있는 친구들을 하나님이 당연히 축복해주시고 사랑해주실거라고 믿는데…저요? 저한테 왜 아무거나 주시나요? 제가 원하는것은 중요하지 않은건가요? 저도 중요하지 않죠?

So I dedicated the next 6 months (partially out of desperation, haha) to getting my relationship right with God again, and went most nights every week to church to get some quiet time with Jesus, and to clear my head. For nearly the entire 6 months, my prayer time consisted of wailing, pleading, crying, crying and more crying (seems melodramatic, but I really felt like I was in a black hole at the time), as I asked God for breakthrough, giving myself a deadline until the end of the year – and if nothing pulled through, then I would truly give up and consider leaving Korea.
그래서 그 다음 한 6개월동안 저는 약간 마음이 상한 체 하나님과 관계를 회복하는것을 전념하기로 했고 생각 좀 정리하고 기도하러 매주 일주일에 한 3~4번씩 교회 갔었어요. 그때 제 기도할때는 거의 6개월 내내 호곡하고 애걸하고 울고 또 울고 또 울기만 했었어요 (너무 과장된것 같은데 정말 희망없는 상태라고 느꼈어요….완전 밑바닥에 떨어진것 같았어요 그때). 하나님께 돌파달라고 하고 저 자신에게 연말까지 마감을 정했는데 그때까지 아무 일이 일어나지 않았으면 그땐, 한국에서 떠나는것에 대해 진지하게 고려해야겠다고 했어요.

It was then that I recieved only one thing in prayer, as God gave me the same answer to my pleas every, single time – “Don’t worry about any of that, just REST IN ME, and everything else will follow. REST IN ME. KNOW ME, and the rest will follow.”
I realised yet another thing (in horror yet again haha “REST?! What the…how do I…what is resting supposed to look like!?” – how I only JUST realised this after so many years) – that I viewed God as a reflection of how I saw my parents – and in the same way I tried to ‘earn’ my parents’ love and acknowledgement through being a workaholic for most of my teenage and adult years, that I tried to do the same thing with God…trying to ‘earn’ His love through works. That if I rested, if I did less, I would feel lazy, guilty and worthless – because only when I was useful to someone or could provide a service/give something, that I then was of value. That by sacrificing everything and only focusing on church, by going and becoming a missionary, BECAUSE of that I then would be a ‘better’ Christian and that God would love me. The horror when I realised how blinded I was to God’s unconditional love and that unbeknowingly, out of a lack of respect and love for myself I failed to see His true grace over my life. That by pushing me into this corner, God was forcing me to see myself and love myself through HIS eyes, not mine.
그때는 기도로 딱 한 가지만 받았어요. 기도로 간구할때마다 하나님께 똑 같은 응답 계속 왔어요~ “그런것에 대해 생각하지말고 내 안에 쉬으면 다른 모든 것이 될거야. 내 안에 쉬어라. 나를 잘 안다면 나머지도 따라올거야.”
그때도 단 한가지 깨달았던것이 있었어요(또 다시 한번 자신에게 너무 경악했어요 “쉬라고!? 뭐야 나…어떡해 쉬라고 할 수 있지?!” 수년 지난 후에 이제 막 깨닫는 내가 너무 당황하지않을까 싶어요). 저는 제부모님을 하나님과 똑같이 반영한 것이 잘못되었다고 느꼈죠. 어렸을 때부터 성인이 됬을때까지도 일에 올인하는 행동을 통해 부모님의 사랑과 인정을 얻으려고 노력하였으니 같은 방식으로 하나님앞에서 똑같이 하려고 했어요. 저는 쉬거나 일을 덜 한다면 너무 게으르고 쓸모없다고 생객했고 죄책감도 느꼈어요…누구에게 제가 꼭 쓸모 있는 사람이라면, 누구에게 뭘 제공하거나 줄수 있다면, 그때만 제가 가치 있는 사람이라고 생각했었죠. 모든것을 희생하고 교회에만 집중하고, 선교사로 활약을 했기에 제가 ‘더 좋은 크리스챤’될라고, 그로 인해 하나님이 나를 사랑할수 있다고 생각했어요. 정신 을 차리다보니 하나님의 무조건적인 사랑을 보지 못하는것을 깨달았고 자신을 존중하지 않고 사랑하지않으므로 저도 모르게 주님의 참된 은혜를 보지 않았어요. 저를 궁지에 몰아넣아서 강제로 깨닫게 하신 것 같아요, 제 눈이 아닌 하나님의 눈으로 제 자신을 보고 사랑하게 됐어요.

So then my prayers began to change. Instead of praying from a place of desperation, I began to replace that with extra praise, thanking God for His provision and His guidance to make myself into the best version of myself that I could be, to pray POSITIVELY about things that I wanted, to declare trust in Him and His timing. And slowly, both internally and externally, things began to change.
그래서 제 기도하는방법을 바꾸기 좀 시작했어요. 한 필사적인 자세에서 기도하는것 보다는 찬양을 더 했으며 하나님께 저를 보살펴해주시고 잘 인도해주시는것을 위해 감사한다고 표현했고, 원하는것에 대해 긍정적으로 기도했고, 하나님과 그의 타이밍을 믿겠다고 선포했어요. 그러므로 조금조금씩 내외부적으로 변화를 시작했어요.

Soon after, God started to answer little prayers here and there – much to my utter surprise…things that I needed to happen before my ‘deadline’. “Is this real? Is this really happening!??” Truthfully, the past 5 year have indeed felt like a dream – a crazy dream of living overseas, interacting with people who are vastly different from what I’m used to in Australia, working in roles vastly different from the one I ACTUALLY graduated from (work which has actually been closer to things iv wanted to and dreamt of doing but never thought possible), and so much more… even now, feeling like I have been freefalling, unable to control any aspect of my life…a testiment in itself to myself (at the very least) that everything that has happened has all been God’s doing, and not my own.
I mention this point in almost all of my blog points, so its not new news…but it blows my mind everytime I think about it, haha.
잠시후 곧, 하나님은 여기저기 조금씩 기도제목을 들어주실것 같았어요…자신에게 정했던 ‘마감시간’ 지나가기 전에 필요한일이 일어나서 너무 놀랐어요. “아 이게 현실이야? 이것 진짜 하는거야~!?” 솔직히 말하자면 이 지난 5년동안 너무 꿈만 같았어요… 호주가 아닌 해외에서, 호주에 있을때와 너무 다른 사람들을 만나고 있는, 또 제 전공과 너무 다른 직업을일하고 있는것을 포함해 많은 일이 생기는 꿈인것 같았어요. 이루지 못한다고 생각했지만, 하고싶은 꿈을 꾸고 있는일에 조금씩 다가가고 있어요. 아직까지도 제 인생의 어떤 면을 통제없어서 완전 자유 낙하하고 있는것 같아요…ㅎ 그래도 이 컨트롤 안되는 상태자체는 하나님께 증거가 아닌가 싶어요…제 힘으로 할수 있는것이 없으니깐요.
이것은 블로그를 쓸때마다 쓰는내용인데….생각할때마다 믿기지가 않은 것 같단 말이에요 ㅎㅎㅎ

God knows my heart, my desires, my dreams…yet in the moment, when I am going through the training and learning process, my flesh is weak and I doubt who He really is. And then RIGHT at His timing…I realise what the training was for, and I realise that His timing is PERFECT.
제 마음, 제 소망, 제 꿈은 다 알고 계시는데…그 훈련시간과 학습 과정 겪으면서 제 몸이 안 따라주고 하나님께 의심 많이 생긴데 딱 그의 타이밍 맞추면 저한테 왜 훈련 시켰는지 바로 알게되고 하나님의 타이밍은 완벽할수 밖에 없다고 생각하죠.

So I realise that this was my lesson this year. Do I want to be able to impact and encourage and help and love others around me to my best ability? Yes. Do I truly have any impact if I don’t actually love and respect MYSELF, if I don’t believe who God says I am FIRST? No, no I don’t. Because then I would be trying to teach something that I myself don’t believe in. And there is no power in that…
이제 그 과정은 올해의 제 교훈인것 같다고 생각해요. 제 주변 사람들에게 좋은 영향을 주고, 격려해주고 도와주고 사랑해주려고 최선을 다 하고 싶은 것이 좋은 것이 지않을까요? 물론이죠. 먼저 하나님께서 말한 제가 그사람이라고 믿지않으며 자신을 사랑하고 존중하지 않아도 정말 영향이 있나요? 당연히 없죠. 남들에게 제 자신이 믿지 못한것을 가르쳐주는거죠. 그런식으로 권세가 없다니까…

So now, in the last few weeks of my twenties(and by the time I post this, the very last moments of my twentiesㅠㅠ), my ending words are this. To you who reads this, and to myself. LOVE YOURSELF. Learn to love and respect yourself as a unique, precious human bean. Even as a Christian – putting yourself down is not humility either…its false humility, because then we disrespect that we are ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ by God (and that he created us to be awesome just as He intended). As C.S Lewis also stated, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”
그러나까 제 20대의 마지막 몇 주 지나가면서 (이 블로그를 올릴때까지 제 20대의 마지막 순간일거죠ㅠㅠ) 제 마지막 소감을 적어 내려가봤어요. 지금 읽고 있는 독자에게, 저 자신에게도, 자신을 사랑해주세요. 본인은 너무 특별하고 귀한사람으로써 자신을 사랑하고 존중해주세요. 크리스챤으로써도 자신을 깔아뭉개는것도 겸손한 행위 아니죠…거짓 겸손이죠. 하나님이 원래 의도했던대로 우리를 ‘경이롭게, 멋지게 지으셨다’라고 해서 우리는 멋진사람들이라고 믿지않으면 하나님을 좀 무시하는것이죠. 유명한 소설가 C.S루이스는 얘기했던것처럼 “진정한 겸손은. 자신을 낮게 생각하는 것이 아니라, 자신을 적게 생각하는 것이다.”

Simply, learn to love yourself and know your identity in Christ. Don’t live your life trying to become what OTHER people want you to be – know GOD, know YOURSELF. What your dreams are, what you want to do, where you want to go, what things you like, what things you dislike….and so on.
It is then, you will know your true potential as a human bean (yes, its ‘being’ i know but I’m going to write bean because I want to and because I can.), and you have the ability to inspire, encourage, help and love others in POWER:D
간단히 말하면 자신을 사랑하며 주님안에 정체성을 찾아보세요. 당신의 인생을 살아면서 타인의 시선때문에 그들이 우리 되기를 원하는것으로 성장하지말고 하나님부터 구하고, 본인이 어떤 사람인지 잘 알아야돼요. 꿈은 어떤 꿈인지, 뭘 하고싶은지, 어디 가고싶은지, 무엇을 좋아하는지, 안좋아하는지 등 잘 생각해봐야되죠.
다 알아내는후에 그때는 인간으로써 우리의 잠재력도 알게 될거고 남들에게 영향을 주고 격려해주고 응원해주고 사랑해줄수 있는 힘을 가지고 있을거에요^^

My prayer points coming into 2018:
1. Marriage (I still have a few days OKAY. Hahahaha~~~)
2. Stability (solid church family, some kind of income, visa problems SOLVED)
3. Healing (for my ill friendㅠㅠ and for my own hip problem….which has in the course of the year somehow switched over from my left hip to my right hip…)
4. More and more connections with people in the entertainment/music/fashion/design field, to be able to build real relationships.
5. More and more opportunities to work in related fields (entertainment/music/fashion/design)
6. Language skills – for my Korean to become MUCH better, to be able to also improve in Chinese (and Cantonese…)

제 2018 중보기도 제목:
1. 결혼 (뭐…시간 아직 좀 남았죠 ㅎㅎㅎㅎ)
2. 안정성 (튼튼한 교회 공동체, 어느정도 월급 받는것, 비자 문제 해결)
3. 치료력 (제 암에 걸린친구를 위해ㅠㅠ 그리고 제 여전한 골반문제를 위해….올해동안 어쩌다보니 그 아픔을 왼쪽에서 오른쪽으로 옮겼나봐요)
4. 엔터테인먼트/음악/패션/디자인쪽에 있는사람들과 관계를 더 맺을수 있도록, 진정한 관계를 맺을수 있도록
5. 그 분야에서 (엔터태인먼트/음악/패션/디자인) 일하는 기회가 더 생길수 있도록
6. 언어능력 – 한국말을 더 잘 할수 있는것뿐만 아니라 중국어/광둥어도 잘 할수 있도록

Declaring next year to be one of blessing and…less trials, please Jesus haha.
내년은 축복을 가득하고 시련이…덜 있는해가 되라고 선포합니다! …주님 제발…ㅋㅋ

God bless,
축복합니다!!

Beckii xo
베키 올림

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Personal Musings

WHO AM I

Identity. So simple, yet so hard to grasp for many of us. Our identity shapes who we are, what we do, and ultimately it fuels our life and the direction that we take. Identity. Something that I’ve struggled with my whole life, and have spend so much effort and time in the past few years trying to discover – WHO AM I? What makes me, me? What makes me tick? Why am I, the way that I am?

The simple answer is, as you may have guessed – Jesus. I know that full well now…that I am not defined by what my job is, what my income is (or isn’t), or even what I look like (although that’s a harder one to get past), but rather by the grace of God I am who, I am, and who He has created me to be.

The longer and more complicated answer is; if I don’t know clearly who I am, then I cannot serve God effectively in this lifetime, lest I get confused, lest I lose confidence (or rather in my case, don’t cultivate something from what was nothing), and become stuck at a crossroad (or many…), not knowing what I should be doing, where I should be going. And so this has been my thought process for a while now. WHO….AM…I? Is everything I thought I was created to be for His Kingdom, wrong? Or has God set me on another path, another season of training (it’s always training. Always, training…) until He is ready to reveal something else to me….until I am ready for it?

So many of the jigsaw pieces have started to fall into place, yet I still seem to be looking at the wrong ones. I used to get made fun of back in university (years ago; so long ago it almost shocks me), “Ooooh Beckii wants to be KOREAAAANN”…no, I do not want to be Korean. And even though I live with Koreans now and speak Korean 90-95% of the time; no, I still don’t want to be Korean. Rather I know that God opened this door for me and many others over the course of my life so far, gave me the ability to relate to many different cultures, to open my mind up to different languages – Korean, Thai, Singaporean, Malaysian, Australian, Indonesian, Hong Kong cultures, the hiphop culture, mental illness, the health science industry, the music industry, the martial art/taekwondo culture, the Kpop industry….and more…

But underneath it all I still can’t lose sight of who I am in all this. I’m of Singaporean Chinese descent, born into Australian culture. I’ve wanted nothing more than to draw, illustrate, be creative with art since I was a kid. Hiphop and streetwear captured my heart. And now, I just want to be able to serve God with the things that He gave me desires for.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post, or that I have any wise conclusion to give any readers. My brain is anxious and tired, cluttered with a thousand thoughts, running circles in my head, but I thought I would blog it out rather than letting it sit. Ultimately, we are sons and daughters in the Kingdom of God and our true identity lies in THIS – however, without an understanding of yourself and what makes you the way you are, the path before you is just going to be clouded with lies and things that are not really His desires for you (or the desires that He has put in your heart – there is a reason we have a passion for the things that we do).

Lord, give me the wisdom and discernment that I seek in this time…

Be blessed,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

CHOICES.

I’ve always had a self motto of being “as transparent as I possibly can” in who I am, in who I portray myself to be both online and offline. Why? So that I can be the most genuine, unedited version of myself that I can be, so that God’s grace given to me, the testimony of my life saved and changed by Christ would be the only thing that would shine out of my worries turned to favour, my pain turned into joy, a broken person made strong.

As some of you might know now, I now live in Bangkok rather than Seoul, in a much more missionary focused position. Given the changes, having a much more ‘public’ status so to speak; being so ‘transparent’ may not be the most viable option anymore…

I ask for your prayers, and remember at the end of the day…we are responsible for the decisions that we make.

Please follow me for updates at my Instagram: www.instagram.com/beckiiness; as I probably will be unable to update this blog for a long time yet.

God bless y’all,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

END OF YEAR MUSINGS 2015

monkeybear new years 2015

 

(Shameless plug: New Year drawing by ME featuring my favourite furry friends. For more art/design of mine, please go to www.facebook.com/beckiiness)

 

So it comes round to that time of year again, and I wish that I had more time to blog more frequently. Looking at how few blog posts I managed to write this year ( I think it was 4…4!?) reminds me that yes, God IS and was doing a crazy amount of things in my life this year (as always) so I didn’t even have time to sit down and clear my thoughts to write. But sometimes I wish I had another me so that I could share every lightbulb moment God placed on my heart in REAL TIME, right? haha…

 

Anyway, as I write every year, and as I have experienced every year – beyond anything I could have ever imagined, every year has been vastly different from the previous, and progressively more crazy. I am now writing this from Thailand, for one.
But looking back, I can clearly see how God has guided me, moulded me, and opened doors to prepare me for where He wanted me to go (even though it has always felt in the present – and still does – that I am walking blind in a fog), for who he wanted me to be, and ultimately as His desires become mine – the opportunity to do many things that I’ve always wanted to do, but never thought possible.

 

God is good in every season, and I am thankful:) So as I reflect…

 

2009: Started attending church after feeling touched by a youth service I attended once off with friends in Hong Kong. Got baptised soon after my first real encounter with God through a dream; but I kept barriers up and my mask on, and things got worse – lost my drivers license through an (unintentional) drink driving incident falling asleep at the wheel, realised in horror that I didn’t want to be an optometrist with 6 months until graduation (I have wanted to be an artist ever since I was little), battling several things at once left me severely mentally unbalanced towards the end of year (I told no one and remained as much as I could by myself at home), so much so I nearly failed university.

 

2010: Struggling working in Australia as an optometrist for long hours with a manipulative boss, hating my life and job, battling severe clinical depression and suicidal thoughts (note: daily thoughts I have had year in and year out since I was around 10 years old) amidst family dysfunction and refusing to meet or see any friends the entire year as a result from the depression and mental imbalance, barely sleeping and spending my free (note: hours I should have been sleeping) hours desperately practising drawing in a bid to develop another skill and as desperate self therapy to mentally stay put together…living on too much caffeine and painkillers to combat the constant headaches…praying desperately that God would pull me through…

 

2011: Started seeing a psychologist as a desperate attempt to stop the neverending persistent thoughts of wanting to kill myself and regular panic attacks, and to avoid the use of prescriptive medication (for fear of someone finding out about my depression/mental state), ended up sharing for the first time in my life about my depression in my small group at church, and received physical healing from the depressive effects – something I had daily for the past 1.5years (if you have depression, you will understand the physical side effects that come with it).
Internally renewing but the outer factors remained unchanged, so my mind started to slip backwards again.

 

2012: I ‘bought’ myself some time to think and moved to Korea during summer for 3 months to pray about where God wanted me to go, but distractions and wrong company made me fall away from church and I almost gave up believing. Answerless, I returned back to Australia for a few months, but then decided to ( for the meanwhile) go back to Korea at the end of the year to pursue God SERIOUSLY ( I challenged myself, “Just how hard can I run after God?”) desperately seeking to find more and to find purpose to combat the returning negative thoughts and lack of life meaning.

 

2013: My first full year living in Korea I saturated myself – double service every Sunday at two churches for 6 months; self- Bible reading/study every day, women’s ministry, church retreats, prayer meetings, conferences, discipleship, small group/Bible study groups, EVERYTHING and anything I could get my hands on. And then my eyes began to be opened…I received the gift of tongues, truly developed a REAL, strong understanding and relationship with Christ (prior to Korea I thought I knew but really had no idea what I believed in), still made a lot of mistakes falling on my face which made me TRULY understand His grace.
I once again, started training (perhaps too much) in taekwondo, but at the same time also started to become recognised for my art (after all the many sleepless nights and hours of practise I put in) and became involved in a North Korea related business as well as design at church, but wondered if hiphop could ever become something more in my life…something that I have always loved.

 

2014: My second year led me somehow to a good bboy friend of mine Dyzee (and I mention him everywhere haha), and my whole life started leaning towards hiphop as we became buddies in hiphop ministry, ended up leading hiphop bible studies for a few months with him and another friend, organising Christian hiphop jams with Dyzee a few times as Krosswerdz Korea, started getting involved in designing hiphop Christian apparel with this said friend and other friends separately in other churches, and started leading small groups and discipleship at church (who…ME? 0__o) as a leader.
That summer, I met the Korean electro hiphop missionary team Hispop, and I began to see how hiphop could be used as a tool for Christ…

 

2015: This year I finally started to understand my identity and who I am in Christ (that I have value as a person…I have value?!), I learnt how to wake up even more to His presence, and it led me to Thailand several times to serve with Hispop for different ministries short time. For the first time, I was able to go back to Australia with less fear in my heart, and my mother began to go to church. Hallelujah!
I ended up helping my friend out with R16, the biggest hiphop/bboy championships in Korea (working for Cartel Creative as staff – an event I would have previously flown out from Australia for, an event that I paid for tickets to watch in 2012, 2013 before I even met Dyzee! Who would have guessed back then…)…and now here I am in Thailand, delving into full time mission work as I made the decision to join as a missionary with the Hispop team.

 

5 years ago if you told me I would be where I am now, as someone with the drive and determination to spread the Gospel, as someone (mostly) free of depression and suicidal thoughts which plagued me DAILY year in and year out, as someone to live in a fully Korean speaking environment in Thailand (and translate things from Korean to English – I can’t believe I can converse in another language semi proficiently), as someone in a leadership role (or was) when I refused to even speak in public or stand on stage, as someone recognised for my art and design skills as someone who is actually an optometrist by training…even thought life is still SO hard, and I’m still struggling so much in this fog…I look back as this year comes to an end and I thank you, God. I thank You for everything you have made me into, I thank You for all the blessings, all the connections, even though I couldn’t see it at the time.

 

So as 2016 (literally) starts in a few days, I pray and hope that I will continue to grow, continue to grow closer to Him, to understand and be shown where my purpose and calling is, to finally feel like I belong somewhere, and for more breakthrough. I ask every year for breakthrough and it doesn’t really come, but I’ll keep asking…please Lord? hahaha.

 

I pray that in 2016:

 

  1. I’ll be on the path to somehow get married…please? hahaha. And that all my dearest single sisters and brothers get married too (shout outs especially to my church fam in Korea)~! haha.
  2. That I’ll be fluent in Korean, quickly pick up Thai and hopefully improve my Mandarin and Cantonese FAST (fail Chinese person)…and then move onto other languages?! YAS?
  3. That God will use me in ways beyond my imagination to reach people world wide, and give me stability and concrete understand in WHAT this life is for, that I will have no doubt in my calling.
  4. BREAKTHROUGH. PREASE. THANKYOU^^

 

And I pray that for you, you who is reading this – you too, whether you believe or not – that His love, the love of Christ will transform your life, CAN transform your life into something beyond anything you can imagine.

 

2016…lets go.

 

Be blessed,

 

Beckii.
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Personal Musings

THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE

Itching to blog fully again with all these thoughts swirling around my head, but I simply don’t have any time yet….T__T in saying that, here is a quick update regarding a video I saw today – a Muslim man in Ghana healed of his deafness, and in that miracle, seeing Christ for who He is for the first time.

I kind of feel like crying from all this emotion, but because I’m at work I can’t. Hahaha. HALLELUJAH! God is amazing. Enjoy the video!

“When you know the truth, the truth must surely set you free….I must appreciate and thank Jesus for what He has done for me…tell them to understand that we are all the same people. We don’t hate each other, I don’t hate them. I don’t hate Christian, I don’t hate Muslim, but I need to worship the truth, that is what I mean. But I received my healing, and I believe only one thing, that only if you have belief, that Jesus Christ is the Lord, and the Saviour, then the truth shall set you free. And you will get life, even here, and after death.”

John 9:25 “He replied, ‘Whether he is a sinner or not, I don’t know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!’” 

Be blessed,

Beckii x

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Reblogs

SPOT ON.

A bit of a filler post until I get time to write up the next one (currently got a few swirling in my head); but I came across this post on Debra Fileta’s True Love Dates’ website and thought it hit the nail on the head – more times than not, people are not turned off by Christianity in itself, but rather the only real representation of Christ on earth – the Christian.

The lukewarm, hypocritical Christian at that. Who was the reason why the baby Christian Beckii never wanted to open up, and the reason a lot of my friends don’t see the need for Jesus – because the representative looks just like the world. Enjoy~

“The best argument for Christianity is Christians: their joy, their certainty, their completeness. But the strongest argument against Christianity is also Christians–when they are sombre and joyless, when they are self-righteous and smug in complacent consecration, when they are narrow and repressive, then Christianity dies a thousand deaths.” — Sheldon Vanauken

Dear Christian,

I have to be honest, I have mixed feelings about you.  A love/hate relationship if you will.  It’s like looking at two sides of a coin, trying to figure out which one is really you.  Part of me wants what you have so badly– faith, purpose, meaning — but the other side of me is too scared to jump in.

There are days that you draw me in.  I look at you and see the most loving eyes, the most gentle hands, the most open heart.  I watch as you take care of your community, as you reach out to the poor and the needy, as you mend the hearts of the broken.  There is something so meaningful and purposeful behind the way you live your life.

I am overcome by your ability to reach into my loneliness.  Reminding me that I’m not all by myself.  That someone really does care for and love me.  Somehow you always seem to know just what I need–it’s as though you had a direct line to God, or something.

I am challenged by the way you give up your time, your money, and your self for others.  I’m drawn to the fact that you are so humble, yet so confident.  You’re honest about the fact that you don’t always have it together- but that you’re working on it.  I love that genuineness…it pushes me to be real with myself as well.  It makes me want to open up.

There is something about your smile that seems real to me.  Even during really hard times.  It makes me wonder where you get such joy.  How you have such strength.  It makes me long for what you have.

Sometimes I look at your faith, and the way you hold on with all of your heart…and wish I had something to give my all to.

But then I get stuck.  I get stuck because I see the other side to your who you are, and I find myself confused.  Because some days you encourage me, but other days you disappoint me.

Other days, it’s as though something has come over you.  You aren’t acting like yourself.  I begin to wonder which side is really you. You are filled with pride and arrogance, acting like you really know it all and have it all together.  It makes me scared to come to you with my problems…because I’m afraid you’ll just judge me.

It  confuses me to watch you so caught up in the things I get caught up in- money, lust, fame and fortune.  It’s as though the American Dream has got you on a leash.  I thought you talked about bigger things?  I thought you said this world wasn’t your home?

Then why do you seem so comfortable here?  Why does your stuff matter so much?

If you can’t be free of it, than maybe I can’t either.

Even if I look past all that, the hardest thing for me is that you seem to have an opinion about everything.  What I should wear, where I should go, who I should be friends with, what I should eat and drink, how I should vote, what I should believe.  You talk about this great God of love- yet I feel constantly judged by you, not loved.  I feel as though I am under a magnifying glass and you’re picking me apart, never satisfied with who I am.

I want to get closer to you…to try and understand you…but your holier-than-thou attitude reminds me that I can’t get too close.  Maybe I’m not good enough for you.  Which makes me wonder if maybe I’m not good enough for God.  Maybe I’ll never be.

Either way, I’m going to keep watching–waiting to see the real you.  There’s a part of me that wants what you have–but a part of me that’s still confused.  But I’ll be here.  Waiting for you to show me who you really are.  Until then, don’t be surprised if I keep my distance.  I want to get closer, but I have to keep myself safe.   I guess I’m still trying to figure it all out.

And I guess maybe, you are too.  I hope you figure this out soon.  I hope you find yourself. I hope you decide who you really want to be and stick to it.

When you do, come find me. I’ll be waiting. 

Cautiously watching,

The World.

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