Personal Musings

STREETLIGHTS

So as always, its been a minute since I had time to blog….and as always, a lot of…STUFF. And TRANSITION. And CHANGES have occurred. And right now, I don’t quite have enough time to write something concise YET…but best believe I got ALL sorts of things that I want to blog out right now! Swirling around in my head….

Just a short post to pimp out a recent finding of mine….STREETLIGHTS.

What is this, you ask? Let me say by saying, I have always had trouble reading my Bible. Back in my time in Australia I barely read at all…but now, I read it a lot, and I am continually pushing myself to read it more and more (per day, now that I have finally pushed myself into FINALLY keeping to daily readings), yet I STILL have trouble in feeling the depth behind the words.

The Bible is true and the Word is living – I know this full well. Yet especially in my attempts to read the Old Testament, it just seemed like…a story. I’m a visual person, but I couldn’t feel the depths of the words…until now.

With my now (improved) QT/daily devotional time in which I am finally learning how to properly meditate and THINK over the verses I am reading, combined with STREETLIGHTS…wow. God’s Word is starting to blaze, a burning fire in my heart as I am understanding more and more who He is, who WE are…and ultimately how sovereign He is over all. Wow.

So enough stalling! STREETLIGHTS is a project done by well known Christian hiphop/spoken word artists in America – an audio bible, 4 albums of books of the Bible narrated by the said artists over dope hiphop beats.

No doubt, I can’t even explain how much this has made me understand everything in SO much more depth, the power of His Word within me. And I freakin LOVE hiphop so this is WONDERFUL. Best thing? It’s FREEEEEEEE. All of it is free! Hallelujah!!

You can find the 4 albums HERE: http://www.streetlightsbible.com/downloads/

FIRE. I love ittt~!!!

That is all for now. Many things to come but the thoughts are still processing in my head…

God bless!

Beckii.

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Lyrical Wordplay

SHE WAITED FOR YOU. IM STILL WAITING.

Today is White Day in Korea, one of the many, many couple-oriented days that Korea celebrates. This one is akin to Valentines Day, except in K-town they do it slightly differently – Valentines Day is a day for WOMEN to give chocolate/gifts to men, and on White Day, its the guys’ turn to pamper the ladies. Interesting, huh?

So after that short segway, I thought this was appropriate to post.

I first came across spoken word artist Janette…ikz back around 4 years ago,when my friend linked me the YouTube video of her spoken word piece, “I Will Wait For You.” Millions of views and likes from interested YouTube viewers, this sparked my hope (and I’m sure that of many other single ladies and men out there) that yes, settling for less is NOT an option – that even if we search for the unicorn of a Godly partner, that we serve the author of time so who are we to worry? And trust in His provision, claim our portion in His timing.

That, and her wordplay was NASTY. Here it is:

“So it seemed, that it was cool, for everyone to be in a relationship but me..so I took matters into my own hands… and ended up with…him. Him who displayed the characteristics of a CHEATER, a LIAR, an ABUSER, & a THIEF so.. why was I surprised when he broke into my heart?

I called 911, but I was cardiac arrested for aiding and abetting, cause it was ME who let him in…claiming we were “just friends”..it was already decided for me by the first date, that even if he wasn’t! I was gonna make him ‘The One’..

You know… I was tired of being alone, and I simply made up in my mind, that it was about that time, so I decided to drag him along for the ride, cause I was always the bridesmaid & never the bride…a virgin in the physical, but mentally just a grown woman on the corner in heat! Who was tired of the wait!

So I was gonna make him ‘The One’. He had a… form of Godliness… but…not much. But hey, hey I can change him! So (honey) I’ll TAKE him, I mean he’s close… enough? Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter, not knowing the value of its use to me. Arteries so clogged with MY will, it blocked HIS Will from flowing through me. So, I thank Christ that His blood pressure gave this heart an attack, that flatlined my obscured vision, put me flat on my back.

Through my ignorance He sawed, through my sternum He sawed & cracked open my chest, To transplant Psalm 51:10- A new heart & a renewed right spirit within!

So now I fully understand, better yet I thoroughly comprehend, How much I NEED to wait… for You.

See, the bad thing is that I knew he wasn’t you from the beginning…cause in the beginning was the Word, and he didn’t even sound or shine like Your Son. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, and all he could whisper was sweet, empty nothings —

Which meant NOTHING. He couldn’t even pray when I NEEDED him to, asking him to fast would be absurd! So forget about being cleansed & washed with water through the Word…

But I know You.. ♥ You were already praying for me. Even never having met me, let me assure you, I will wait for you.

I will no longer date, socialize or communicate with carbon copies of you, to appease my boredom or to quench my thirstiness I have for attention, and short-lived compliments from ‘sorta kindas’.

You know…. He ‘sort kinda’ right, but ‘sorta kinda’ wrong?

His first name LUKE,

His last name WARM.

I, I won’t settle for false companionship, I won’t lay in the embrace of his arms, attempting to find some closeness, but never feeling so far apart cause, I just wanna be held. Cause ♫”all I gotta do is Say”… No!

NO more ‘almost sessions’ of ‘almost coming close’, passing winks & buying drinks, I’ma, I’ma, I’ma flirt!♫ Who flirts with the ideology of, ‘Can you just tell me how much I can get away with & still be saved?’

NO more.

I’ll stay in my bed… alone, and write poems, about how I will wait for you 🙂 He won’t even come close, our fingers won’t even interlock, we won’t even exchange breath, cause I have thoughts that I’ve ‘saved as’ in a file that God has only equipped YOU to open.

I will no longer get weighted down, from so-called friends & family talks, about the concern for my biological clock…When I serve the Author of Time.

Who is NOT subject to time, but I’M subject to Him. He has the ability to STOP, FAST FORWARD, PAUSE, or REWIND at any given time…so if we could role play, you would be Abraham & I would be Sara. Or you can be Isaac & I can be Rebecca – a servant’s answered prayer.

I am bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh, made up of your rib Adam! And once we meet, like electrons – I will be bound to your nucleus, completely indivisible atom. We even speak the same math: 1 + 1 + 1 = 3, which really equals 1 if you add Him.

We were all created in His image, but you have the ability to reflect, project & even detect the Son. If I were to explain what you looked like, you would have to look like a star, a son of the Son.. .I would gain energy simply from the light on me. I would need you , in order to complete my photosynthesis. I await your revelation, but once again from the genesis, I will wait for you ♥

And I will know you… because when you speak I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom, your ability to lead will remind me of Moses, your faith will remind me of Abraham, your confidence in God’s Word will remind me of Daniel, your inspiration will remind me of Paul, your heart for God will remind me of David, your attention to detail will remind me of Noah, your integrity will remind me of Joseph, and your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples…

But Your ability to love selflessly & unconditionally will remind me of Christ.

But I won’t need to identify you by any special Matthews or any special Marks, cause His word will be tatted all over your heart.

And you will know me, and you will find me, where… the boldness of Esther meets the warm closeness of Ruth. Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary, which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hanna.

I will be the one, drenched in Proverbs 31… waiting for you.

But to my Father, my Father who has known me before I was birthed into this earth…Only if you should see fit…I desire Your will above mine, so even if you call me to a life of singleness, my heart is content with YOU – the One who was sent.

YOU are the greatest love story ever told,the greatest story ever known. You are forever my judge & I’m forever Your witness, and I pray that I’m always found on a mission about my Father’s business.

Oh, I will always be Yours!

And I will always wait for You Lord, more than the watchmen wait for the morning…

More than the watchmen wait for the morning… I WILL WAIT ♥”

So, this single lady became my inspiration.

Fast forward a year and BAM! Her words became life; her (now) husband being in the audience at that time, observing her for a year to ensure that she was legit (and not spitting devotion to Jesus for the sake of the poem) then pursued her. Got rejected by a broken soul (as did all the other men), but kept on pursuing.

Her new poem, “I Waited For You” – were her vows at her wedding day. I can relate to the emotions in this haha…especially about that person not existing=P But isn’t that ridiculous and awesome? And I am ever more encouraged by His provision.

And her ever ridiculous wordplay=P

Here it is:

“Did you know that I’m not her? And that I partially agreed to the wait because, I didn’t believe you existed in the first place.
But then the slight, rare, possibility that you did, that you would definitely not want me. Because I’m not her.

I CHOKE on soft words like ‘want’ and ‘need’, I hate flowers, red boxes of unpredictable, strangely textured chocolate, balloons that take months to die and everything Valentines Day. I’m sorry, but to me The Notebook and Pretty Women were just, okay.

I am the one, that fairies tell you to stay away from, I was never Cinderella, I was the Evil Stepmother, I was never the princess, I was the fire breathing dragon, I was Ursula, I was the wicked witch of the west. Yet, you still chose to knock on the door of this castle of my heart, unaware that an invisible fortress had been built, due to much more experienced pain than a sting.

Unbeknownst to you, that there would be 6 more doors you’d have to get through before you EVER even saw a glimpse of me, I was still wounded.

Conditioned to live with a knife lodged inbetween my 3rd and 4th intercostal margins which collapsed my left lung. So i never left.

Due to you being out of my comfort zone and shortness of breath. Besides, I was already in a relationship with, pain. And I HATED him, but I LOVED him. Because pain had been faithful for years – I could rely on our past history that he was SURE to come.

My first love on earth, cheated on me. Visiting me on holidays bearing beautifully wrapped gifts of empty promises, tied with bows the colour of wishful thinking and then, leaving me. An egg can’t produce without a seed and winter came, then summer then spring then fall, and I guess mine took the option to leave, cause although mommy said I was beautiful and it wasn’t my fault, it still felt like incarcerated incidence.

So beauty to me was incomplete, like having only 5 heartbeats with no reason to stand up; there was no heart in the house tonight, nights like this I wish and I would pray,

Our Father,
Who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, please allow the clouds to gather and the sky to turn to grey, lead us not into temptation oh how I wish that it would rain, so when I look in the sky, I could see my reflection.

I got nervous when you got to door 6, but surely when you saw the auctioned off art on the walls no one else wanted, re-describing each and every one of my wounds, you see the UGLINESS of pain.
That I am not the beauty that you thought me to be, when you sat in the audience listening to a woman spit a poem about how she would wait. So confidently as I did every morning, after taking up poetry and music and talents and great things, others think of me because they are just John’s Legends and can’t see all of me.

I stepped outside to bask in the sun. He is the one that knows me. He loves me, He has the ability to foresee AND still loves me. so, I stepped outside. Only to find you sleeping night after night, in front of the door of my cold heart, who led you inside? I was terrified, no one’s EVER been this close, but all you wanted to do was show me that we shared the same old wounds.

There were no butterflies, just extreme discomfort, because comfort is uncomfortable, to someone more acquainted with pain, than love. Fear began to eat at my mind, and scarecrows plucked out my warm heart long ago, but even with the strength of ten men, I’ve had no courage, I promise I’m not lying(lion).

But for some strange reason you still felt like heels click three times.

I, was a relentless unpredictable storm. And i guess those other men were made of straw and hay because I HUFFED, and PUFFED, but the spirit that your ripped body housed, wouldn’t go down, why couldn’t I admit, that your hand placed gently on the back of my neck, CALMS me, instead I accused you of trying to control me, I HATED the way that my heart, became a defiant teenager and began listening to YOU instead of ME, and even after you kept, giving me your “i love you”s I couldn’t stop them from replaying in my mind, in my spirit, my SPIRIT bore witness to the Christ I saw in your life.

So after getting tired of the fight, I decided to give it a try. JUST to prove to you that you too, would leave, just like my seed and die, before petals, stems and leaves. My trusting heart, had been attacked, I didnt know the difference between accepting abuse, and being the peacemaker, I’m left with a pacemaker, nobody wanted me, my rhythm is abnormal.

I lost my footing and I kept asking myself, who ARE you? While climbing the attractive Mt Everest of your mind, I attempted to hike a little higher to take a peek at your soul, I lost my footing on that trail, dangled off the cliff of your condition of unconditional, and there is where I fell, in love.
Skydiving on the wings of your patience, thank you for catching me with this love, it’s too much, this love is just way too much, because your smouldering volcano ERUPTED upon my arrival. Smothering lava, I mean, hot, lava, chasing me down, burning the pain of my past, scorching heat, on the back of my heels, a fire that screams “Just let me love you!”

I fell. I am consumed, I am overwhelmed, did you know that I am crazy? Did you know broken homes, and cohort fathers, fictitious family figments, fractured bone and stained glass windows SHATTERED my windpipe. It’s hard to breathe when anyone gets close.

stand close, and just let me inhale, your exhale
stay close, even when I PUNCH you with my words
stay close, even when I CUT you with my fears
stay close, look into my chilling eyes and REMEMBER, look at my chilling eyes and REMEMBER, look at my bleeding knees, REMEMBER, look at my bleeding lips and REMEMBER, I FELL for you. And it took me 33 years to let that pain die. So that new hope, and new life could resurrect.

You caught my tears like wilted warm bible pages, stored them up in bottles and let them collect, as a reminder that as long as I am close to Him, I’ll never thirst again. And when God removed the scales from my eyes I remember, looking at you for the first time, and finally understood the meaning of the word “Behold”. I remember the first time I looked into your eyes it was like, it was like staring at the back of the moon, only to find that it shines too.

You wore patience like a tailored suit, and all I could do was thank God and your mother, for raising the man I never believed could exist. You began to see me transforming by the renewing, I was so comfortable cocooning, as you studied the freckles in my face like constellations, how sweet it is to know, that I am with someone, who will still find me beautiful with stretch marks, EVEN when I begin being stretched, as I press towards the mark.

We are not Romeo and Juliet. We are just Matthew, and Janette. We too, are a beaustifully written tragedy. We too, fought in the beginning like Capulets and Montagues, we too, persevered in love’s name, in love’s name, in JESUS’ name, two lovers, destined to kill themselves daily, for the love of Christ.

And although we know the world considers this poison, we will continue to drink truth. Stabbing ourselves with the daggers of His word, constantly to convicted, we live to FIGHT another day, we live to DIE another day, in order to LIVE another UNENDING day with our King of eternity.

So far from what our adversary had planned and written for our ending. but he is NOTHING but a pretender. Trying to be an author and a finisher, posing as an angry weak William that Shakespeares(shakes spears) but, as though many of his weapons will be formed they will NEVER prosper here.

And I know they told you, good luck with her. Many have tried, cuz not even Charlie could Parker(park her). But your consistent love would make Ella stop having Fitz(fits) and put down her Dukes. You had me wiling to walk, and hop on Coltranes(coals), even on a Holiday, inspired a desire to not be headstrong but Armstrong, you had me, in a sentimental mood, willing to walk miles to get to you, you became my black coffee and I couldn’t move on.

I felt dizzy, because I was out of my element like an uncovered monk. But you’ve been a good man for more reasons than I could count. May the Lord continue to orchestrate this beautiful life long complex called regression. I could make a million promises, with a long list of what I could vow, but we are flawed human beings. And if there was anyone that could break one before nights end, it would be me that could show you how.

So today I will let my yes be my yes, my no be my no, and today my I do be my I do. I vow, that at times I will fail you. I vow, that at times I will fall short.
But in failures and shortcomings I won’t tap out, I won’t give up, I vow, to gather arguments, like evidence left behind by usurps, having the humility to say, I have this criminal mind, and yes it is CS-I who is wrong for the sake of Law and Order.

I vow, not to bind to false romanticism, saying things like “you complete me!” because you don’t. In Christ I have ALREADY been made complete the Head over all. So I vow, not to attribute glory to you, that only belongs to God. To you and only you, today I commit. To you and only you I submit, with an attitude.

The attitude of Christ Jesus, who although existed in a form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but humbled Himself and emptied Himself, and made Himself to the point to where He became obedient, even to the point of death, even death on a cross, and THIS will be my constant reflection, because death on that cross was the greatest public display of affection.

I’ve learned that He loved me enough to give me you, and so I vow to you, my last breath.”

 

 

Be blessed,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

BECOMING.

Looks like I’m back again, back to the topic of identity and self-worth. This post is going to be a bit rambly and personal – I still can’t get my thoughts to align clearly in my head.

“I’m not good enough.” “Why would he (she) be interested in me?” “He (She)’s probably just being nice.” “I have to be like THIS for him (her) to like me.” “I’m nothing compared to those other girls (guys), no one will ever want me.” “I’m not pretty enough.” “I’m too fat.” “Single…forever?…”

Sound familiar? Sure does to me. All those thoughts plus more, cycling through my head in the past 26 years of life (well…maybe less. Don’t really think I would’ve been thinking about this when I was 5 years old…ahahaha), wondering why I am the way I am, wondering what it was (or is…I’m still riding solo haha) that day after day, year after year – as I see the people around me enter and leave relationships, get married, start planning their life with someone – that nothing changes for me.

My conclusion would always be that the problem was (or is…), ME. Or…is it?

Well…it kind of is, haha.

As I get older (thank God) my vision is starting to clear about the concept of a relationship in relation to my life; and realise that its not so much about trying to change yourself to become what someone else wants you to be (or what you THINK they want you to be) and attract someone with qualities that ultimately you are not (and how you catch em is how you keep em, honey)…but rather face your own fears, discover who God made YOU to be, and embrace who you are honestly.

After all, whatever shape or size you come in – CONFIDENCE is the key. IDENTITY is the key. For if we base or foundation of worth on what the world says we are – won’t it keep changing, and the bar for ‘perfection’ keep rising? We are all made differently, and no matter what, in this world there will be someone (physically) better looking than you, smarter than you, thinner than you, fitter than you……yeah, you get the drift. If we keep comparing, then we will NEVER be content in ourselves.

Obvious but! – knowing who you are, and being comfortable with it, regardless what other people say – is PARAMOUNT. Knowing how to GIVE love, but also how to RECEIVE love (and believe yourself worthy of it), is paramount. Not saying this should lead to complacency about changing and improving yourself, but rather knowing that God loves you, has a purpose for your life, and that you have your OWN path to follow – different to someone else’s.

God blew my mind a few years ago – and I KNEW that I had to change. But how? After 23 years of doing the same thing, forming (bad) habits…how do I essentially learn how to become a completely new person? To stop being so self-pitying, to stop being consumed by my own thoughts and self-condemnation because it is so much easier to put yourself down than raise yourself up, to stop comparing myself to others, to stop being AFRAID….afraid of everything I didn’t know, afraid to be proud of myself and what I have accomplished, afraid to be who I wanted to be.

So many lies, so many things impressed into my head as truth, as how my life should be, as how I should be…the time is NOW to rise up and BECOME who God made you to be. I had to (and have to – continually) remember that my identity, that WHO I AM has nothing to do with what I look like (or what I *think* I look like – its a daily struggle to not put myself down/be okay with myself and not think I look ugly and chubby all the time), its nothing to do with the job that I have (or don’t have – I tell you this, coming from a high paying job, quitting it to come live off my savings with no income in a foreign country on almost missionary status – definitely doesn’t sit well with people who don’t know my heart), its nothing to do with what the world says I am – but rather that it is knowing who I am in Christ, who He says I am, that I CAN be worthy because I am a child in His kingdom.

 

So what is the first step? I suppose…identifying the issues, and going from there. Hence the title…BECOMING something more. Going to try and be really transparent, because lets face it – I am done with trying to hide everything for fear of judgement. Enough! *flips table*

 

BECOMING…comfortable in my skin as a woman. I think one of the hardest things for me to be able to be comfortable with was seeing myself as a woman. Not as a girl, but a WOMAN. As a female! Coming from an overprotective family environment where I was not allowed to be responsible for anything because I “couldn’t do it”, where my opinion and choices were always rejected and not validated and hence could not make my own decisions on anything, where I was constantly told that I would be molested/taken advantage of by all men if I were in close proximity to any of them (note: this DOES hold value in society today as a valid point; however being wary should not stem from a place of fear) – I inadvertently pulled up barriers to everyone, and embraced being a tomboy – with no real mindset of my own.

I still can’t really look at myself without feeling uncomfortable.

If I’m just “one of the boys” then I’m safe right? If I just stay out of human contact (again, another easy thing as an introvert) then I won’t have to make decisions and talk to people, right? If I don’t try new things then I can’t make mistakes, right? If I become a doormat and do exactly as you say, then I can avoid conflict, right?

There was a time where I wouldn’t even wear a tshirt – my exposed arms were enough to make fear rise in my heart; so I would always wear super baggy sweaters and pants, even in summer. I would rather suffer (in various areas of my life) than to draw attention to myself in any way…which of course led to bad consequences at times…

Now being over mid-20s now; I can’t be a little frightened girl anymore. I have to admit to myself that yes – I need to embrace myself and NOT dress and act like a boy as a protective mechanism (albeit my personal style is kind of hip-hop/tomboyish….err thats not the point, haha) and that its ok to dress feminine. That yes – being single is really starting to suck and I need to learn to address my fear of the opposite sex and how they see me. That yes – I need to learn how to LOVE myself, take control of my emotions and rebuke all my negative thoughts about who I am and what I look like.

I’m not like you. Nor will I ever look like you. But Beckii…thats okay.

To learn to look at myself through His eyes, rather than my own.

Jeremiah 31:3 “Long ago the Lord said to Israel: “I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.”

 

 

BECOMING…courageous in what God has called me to do, and who I am through it. Fear is another huge stronghold over my life – somewhat less in recent years, but something that since childhood has been very hard to break (I sound like a mess dont I…haha so many issues=P) – fear in social situations, fear in making mistakes and hence being indecisive, fear in speaking my mind lest I be judged for it, fear of the opposite sex, fear of the unknown….EVERYTHING!

Coming to Korea gave me the opportunity to FORCE myself to face a lot of these fears (when you have no choice…just gotta do it) – forced myself to go to church/other large social outings (I really hate these) else I would be friend-less and alone in a foreign country. Forced myself to speak up in another language, or I would be stranded in a foreign country. Forced myself to step out of the box I so carefully enclosed myself in to experience a world, experience things I never thought existed, to meet people I never thought existed/I never thought I would meet, to DO things I never thought possible!

Now finally being somewhat towards the direction of what I’ve dreamed of, to finally do things that make sense to me and that can help other people, to be in a position of responsibility – yet being hit in the face with uncertainty and hard trials – being courageous involves TRUSTING God. ACTUALLY trusting Him, not saying/acting like I do, but really having disbelief at the back of my head. Trusting that He will pull me through this all even though I walk blindly – because He is sovereign and there is a purpose. There is ALWAYS a purpose, even if we can’t rationalise it for ourselves.

Romans 5:1-5 “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Romans 8:31-39 “What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Deuteronomy 31:6 “So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”

 

 

BECOMING…less, and He becoming greater in me. This season of my life I need to learn what it really means to seek Him and His face – and not just SAY I do. To prioritise the right things, to really focus on Him. Greater intimacy and time spent = gaining clarity and discernment, learning peace and trust, knowing His voice, knowing when I need to humble myself and release my tight grip on things in my life. There is just too much going on for me to try and control anymore…

Psalm 27:14 “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

Matthew 6:33 “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

Psalm 37:4-6 “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.Commit your way to the Lord;trust in him and he will do this: he will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.”

 

Time to LET GO. And…LEGGO!:)

 

Be blessed.

 

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

LOVE IS NOT SELF SEEKING/IN YOU I TRUST

Valentines Day is around the corner, and just like every other year – this is but another day to me. SIGH 😡 …just kidding. Haha.

 

But like the chronically single friend that I’ve always been over the years to my friends – witnessing crushes blossom into relationships (and…not), breakups, engagements, marriages, and everything in between – you do learn quite a lot from the powers of observation, sitting on the sidelines…

 

So now for the first time ever in my 10+ years of being a serial blogger, I get the guts to blog on…love.

 

Encountering God in recent years definitely changed my perspective on love in a huge way – prior to my life now, I was wondering around in a cloud of confusion – I don’t think I even knew what love WAS back then, in any form, platonic, romantic or otherwise.

 

I sought companionship in the wrong places to squash my loneliness, craved attention to boost (or I suppose, CREATE) some semblance of self worth to make me feel like I could be wanted – an unhealthy combo when paired with social fear and introversion, lead me to feel increasingly worse about myself, rather than better.

 

Now I look back – and know that my identity and worth doesn’t need to lie in whether I am single or not – but rather in God’s promise for my life – and more importantly, understanding that we need to learn to love OURSELVES before we can learn to love others. How can we know how to respect and recognise the needs of someone we are supposed to love – if we don’t know how to love and respect ourselve? How can we GIVE love if we don’t know how to RECIEVE love?

 

By chasing attention in the wrong places and ignoring my own needs as a (broken) person (the biggest lie we all tell ourselves – “I’m fine, I’m FINE”) – I ultimately ended up hating myself and became more and more inwardly focused… as I couldn’t see the world past my own problems. So it was not surprising (well…at least to the older me, looking back now HAHA) that I came up fruitless everytime when it came to deep, meaningful relationships with people – or, even if I thought I had any, I was stripped from any semblance of self love. I often tried to give to much, to the point of feelig like an empty shell…dissatisfied and unhappy once again, from feeling like people only wanted me when I was of use to them.

 

If you can’t respect yourself, no one else will.

 

So LOVE YOURSELF. Learn to appreciate who you are and can be, and who God intended you to be! I can guarantee to you who is reading this – you have the potential to do things greater than you can EVER imagine, if only you BELIEVE in yourself! And the power of God as He works through you:)) A life without hope will only pull you back into the darkness where you came from.

 

Well..that was a huge tangent. I am a completely different person to who I was one year ago – and am finally in a position where I know how to love people better, now that I have a better respect for who I am. It’s always a work in progress, but at least I am moving in the right direction:)

 

So then this begs the question – I know who I am now, so HOW do I love? What does it mean to love someone?

 

1 Corinthians 13 plays over and over in my head – specifically, “Love is not self seeking.”

 

1 Corinthians 13:1-7

“And now I will show you the most excellent way. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

 

Love is patient, love is kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

 

True love for someone is SACRIFICIAL – it is about doing things which are for their benefit, putting their needs above your own. In essence, loving someone is doing something because you know it will make THEM happy, not you. Striving to be OUTWARDLY, not inwardly focused in love.

 

Love is never “IF you love ME”, but “BECAUSE I love YOU” – it is NEVER conditional, but unrelenting and honest, even (or rather..ESPECIALLY) in the hard times…kind of like…GRACE! Hehe.

 

A good example I felt of this is shown in the PC4M’s marriage counseling video of spoken word poets’ Preston and Jackie in the lead up to their wedding – of which their pastor Brian asks Preston, “What if (Jackie) stabs you in the middle of the night?” (hehe) to which he replied, “MAN….I would pray God gives me the grace to forgive her…and we can move on.”

 

Respect. Much respect:)

 

 

If loving people was easy – it wouldn’t be a COMMAND from God, hey?;) Especially unconditionally, becomes all the more difficult when you enter into a relationship!

 

So as I enter the season…alright I lie. Not ENTER…keep moving through the season of which I’m of the age where my mother is asking me the question of “HUSBAND! MALE SPECIES!? WHERE!?!?” instead of “NO BOYS ALLOWED!!” (ahahahaha…Asian parents, the IRONY), I’m learning more and more what it means to trust in God and trust in His perfect timing. And to have peace with it.

Trust me…I would have never have said this a few years ago. Even less would I have had that trust to believe in what I just typed. I would most likely have wallowed in my self-pity and loneliness and misery and bitterness of being the only single person for years and years in my circle of friends…shaking my fist at the sky and asking WHY!? …haha you get the point.

 

But I have learnt so, SO much in the past year from experience…that I should never ignore God’s voice and trust in Him to provide everything in the right season, and the right time – because He wants the best for us! and that He can see SO much further than me, wandering around in my current fog of so-what-the-heck-am-I-doing-again?

 

God can change our lives in an INSTANT, open doors that you would NEVER think possible…and I pray for that. So trust. Wait. And BELIEVE:))

 

Blessings,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

I CALLED YOU TO SOMETHING MORE.

I’m sure we’ve all been there – those moments when someone gets on our nerves, says something uncalled for [or possibly that they didn’t think it through before it came out of their mouths] or seem to be displaying mad pride which they need to deal with [at least…well at least YOU think so, haha – doesn’t that say something about ourselves? haha]…

I’ve definitely been in those situations of late. Feeling frustrated that people seem to think I’m on some prolonged holiday doing nothing because I don’t hold a conventional job right now; feeling annoyed that someone acts like they have everything sorted out and that I’m below them because I don’t….

But then. I remind myself – this is why we need grace. This is why they need grace. For judging me for things that they do not understand. This is why I MYSELF need grace – for judging someone for things that I may not completely understand. Yet I then remember that God is a god of personal, unique relationships – that just because someone’s salvation looks different to mine, doesn’t necessarily make their walk wrong.

 

And that is why love is a COMMAND, right? Because its never easy to love someone in an unconditional way through our eyes, when WE see the world in a certain way – tunnel vision? – while God can see the WHOLE picture.

God spoke and told me, “I called you to love. Just to LOVE people.” – so I repent of those thoughts…because we need to accept each other as we ARE. That we are all different. And just love them nevertheless.

 

Romans 12:3 “For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.”

Romans 12:6a “We have different gifts, according to the grace given us…”

Philippians 2:1-4 “If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

 

In other news – Andy Mineo’s new EP ‘Neverland’ dropped yesterday – and while I don’t love ALL of the album’s beats….the lyrics are definitely ALL on point and convict me to think more about my own life and where I came from…so I definitely need to highlight a few tracks on a blog here soon:)) Check it out at  http://reach.merchline.com/products/andy-mineo-never-land!

 

for now – one of my favourite tracks from his EP…more later!

 

be blessed!

 

Beckii x

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Personal Musings

DOWN IN MY HEART.

Got mad joy recently.

…if that didn’t make sense, I meant – I’ve been feeling crazy amounts of joy in the past week or so. God’s been teaching me a lot of things about myself and Him….:D

 

Even though I feel physically wrecked from my recent move (hello, bachelorette? pad! ..!?), I still feel that blessing though!

….haha. I’m just gonna run with it=P

 

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Ahahahaha. Excuse me. It is getting late.

Be blessed!

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

OPERATING FROM A POSITION OF FEAR

Long time no see, blog.

 

God’s really been teaching me a lot about fear lately in the last few months. And for me, its definitely been a new, and MORE than challenging experience for me to deal with, being the control freak that I am.

 

If you know me [which you may or may not…hello internetz] – I like making sure my life is organised and planned, especially as far into the future as I can make it. Because as we all know, the unknown is….scary. So dropping everything back in Australia last year to come to Korea to seek God and seek life was of course, somewhat out of character for me…

 

In many ways, I created my self inflicted, hectic lifestyle in the past as a way of distracting myself from reality and my fears of…well…everything – by making myself as busy as possible – but during the course of this year, been challenged more and more to step out of my comfort zone, to be placed into situations of which I have NO control whatsoever – God is teaching me to learn to let go.

 

And so here I am, at another transition point in my life – and its all or nothing. Go backwards to the way I was, or face my fears and LEARN. Learn to let go and LET GOD.

 

Times like this remind me that FEAR is not of God. For God IS love; and if we understand love to the greatest extent, then fear ceases to exist….

 

1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

 

And even reminding myself of this verse and to embrace love, remember love and slap myself and my fears in the face…well, it aint easy. Not at all. Learning to focus on the positive and LET GO of the negative is so important, yet I fail to do this almost on the daily. By His strength, not mine!

 

God has great plans for you! As He does for me. We were created for something GREATER than anything we ever thought possible; but that involves trusting Him to guide us in the right way and knowing that HIS plans will always be greater than ours. For He can see what we cannot; we are children of God, and He is MINDFUL of us, no matter how much tunnel vision we have at a given time.

 

Matthew 10:29-31 “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of our Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So dont’ be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

 

[to reiterate….he cares for creatures as small as sparrows. YOU IS NOT A BIRD. You’re more than that!]

 

So as stressful as it is, I’m almost glad [in some weird, sick, twisted way…hahahahhaah] that I’m getting this ‘new’ experience – as a chance for me to be forced to face my fears and worries and DEAL with them, more than I ever have before.

If we remember that God is with us, then why should we fear? Don’t our fears then become somewhat irrational, if we believe in God’s unconditional love, grace and PROMISE over us?

 

Hebrews 13:5b “..because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” “

 

Over the last few years since I became Christian, God pulled all the memories and fears up out of the locked box I kept hidden away in the recesses of my mind, up to the surface so I could face them [as much as I didn’t want to] – thinking over these worries and fears – how much freer would I be if I didn’t let all these little things plague my mind and blow themselves out of proportion?

 

My worries of money and logistical issues living in another country, my worries of being single forever/not finding THAT person for me, my worries of simply making mistakes and saying the wrong things, my worries of never being good enough…on closer inspection, what is the point of such worry? It’s USELESS. And makes mountains out of smaller things that perhaps, are not as stressful as we [I!] perceive them to be…

 

Worry is wasteful.

 

Matthew 6:26-27Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?”

 

Matthew 6:31-34 “ So do not worry, saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,a and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

 

 

We are called to FREEDOM in Christ! Put your worries at the cross, give it to Jesus because its his burden and not yours to take. Fear and doubt and worry is NOT of God – so as hard as it is [and as I myself try to let go and receive this and not freak out!], do NOT let this consume your life. God’s GOT this. All we gotta do is…BELIEVE:)

 

blessings,

 

Beckii.

 

 

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