Personal Musings

STREETLIGHTS

So as always, its been a minute since I had time to blog….and as always, a lot of…STUFF. And TRANSITION. And CHANGES have occurred. And right now, I don’t quite have enough time to write something concise YET…but best believe I got ALL sorts of things that I want to blog out right now! Swirling around in my head….

Just a short post to pimp out a recent finding of mine….STREETLIGHTS.

What is this, you ask? Let me say by saying, I have always had trouble reading my Bible. Back in my time in Australia I barely read at all…but now, I read it a lot, and I am continually pushing myself to read it more and more (per day, now that I have finally pushed myself into FINALLY keeping to daily readings), yet I STILL have trouble in feeling the depth behind the words.

The Bible is true and the Word is living – I know this full well. Yet especially in my attempts to read the Old Testament, it just seemed like…a story. I’m a visual person, but I couldn’t feel the depths of the words…until now.

With my now (improved) QT/daily devotional time in which I am finally learning how to properly meditate and THINK over the verses I am reading, combined with STREETLIGHTS…wow. God’s Word is starting to blaze, a burning fire in my heart as I am understanding more and more who He is, who WE are…and ultimately how sovereign He is over all. Wow.

So enough stalling! STREETLIGHTS is a project done by well known Christian hiphop/spoken word artists in America – an audio bible, 4 albums of books of the Bible narrated by the said artists over dope hiphop beats.

No doubt, I can’t even explain how much this has made me understand everything in SO much more depth, the power of His Word within me. And I freakin LOVE hiphop so this is WONDERFUL. Best thing? It’s FREEEEEEEE. All of it is free! Hallelujah!!

You can find the 4 albums HERE: http://www.streetlightsbible.com/downloads/

FIRE. I love ittt~!!!

That is all for now. Many things to come but the thoughts are still processing in my head…

God bless!

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

I remember my psychologist used to tell me, “You know, from someone that grew up in the circumstances/environment you did, you turned out pretty well.” I used to shrug it off and think, “No I didn’t…What the hell is she talking about?”

But as the years have gone by and I am older, and (hopefully) all the more wiser through the seasons I start to realise that yes…God DID protect me from going down the wrong paths, to an extent. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll…..hahahaha. I had none of those things, though at times I really wanted to, as a way of escape from my reality.

So why didn’t I? Maybe it was just circumstantial, or maybe it was that tiny, niggling feeling in me that wanted to do the right thing, that wanted to believe there was something greater than the cloudy skies and pain that I saw in my life, that knew that these things would mess me up even more…maybe. Hahaha.

 

But a good few years after being pulled from the psychological dark pit I was in and seeing with new eyes, I realise how blessed I am to have escaped the bondage of things like drugs, smoking, sexual addictions/abuse, etc…which are tough skeletons and shadows to shake off for many friends and aquaintainces around me…

Make no mistake, still the bricks I had weighing me down in life were and still are enough to have left deep scars – but even more it makes me think. We each go through specific circumstances in our lives, good and bad – to make us, to mould us into the person that we WERE, that we ARE, that we WILL BE.

 

So even now, in the unstable state that I am in – that I have been ever since stepping foot into South Korea, and increasingly so, with each passing month – and with that coming loneliness, insecurity, frustration, pain, anxiety, disappointments – that I DO truly believe that everything happens for a reason. That God has a plan and a purpose for my life, and although I only see a short distance in front of me (or rather, not at all), that He sees all of it. He saw my beginning, and He knows my end. Every person met is a blessing or a lesson. Each trial and hardship tackled and endured is one step closer to refining your character, and one step further on the road that God has designed for me.

Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

Philippians 1:6 “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

God KNEW us before we even knew ourselves. God CALLED us, He CHOSE us.

 

But its hard. Despite knowing that God is faithful, God is sovereign, and that everything will happen according to His will for the good of those who love Him…I falter, I cry, I stumble in the MIDST of these trials. And I feel like giving up.

I endure the wait because I KNOW these past two years have been training; that God has completely ripped out the old and nurtured the new in me; that I am a shadow of the person I used to be; yet there are still, fragments remaining, and I know that when I look away from Him, the worries of the world and the lies that the devil has placed in my head CONSUME me.
When will I be able to be free of visa issues? Or do I go back to the old life that I hated that kept me in bondage for the sake of stability? When will I have an actual paying job again (and once again regain the respect of my parents – although I know deep down my money-making potential does NOT equal my identity of who I am and what I am worth, but that’s a blog for another day)? What am I SUPPOSED to do in my life? When will my season of singleness end? Why am I praying double what I used to, yet You seem so far? When will I feel like I belong, rather than feeling like I’m everyone’s second choice and a misfit?

Most of these are lies…and most of them I just allow to permeate and circle in my head. Most of these things the Lord DOES have an answer to, its just the human side of me being impatient.

But frankly…I am tired. I am so DONE with everything, and all the uncertainty I feel. So many times I just want to swear, scream, flip a table and drink my sorrows away – yet I know that truly isn’t the right answer; and that as I have said earlier; God IS sovereign and everything DOES truly happen for a reason, including the waiting…so even in the unseen, God grows my character and who I am despite me being a child, kicking and screaming on the inside.

Romans 5:1-5 “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

So what do we have if not hope? Faith is the UNSEEN. Lord let me cling onto the hope that is in You; and know that You WILL. This storm shall too, pass…

1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

 

 

Be blessed,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

LOOKING BACK TO LOOK FORWARDS

Well, its that time of year again – a festive day that Australia originally doesn’t have to force me to look back, reminisce, to see how far I have come and to be THANKFUL for everything that has happened to me this year. Thanksgiving; we meet again.

Its so amusing, so crazy that ever since moving to Korea at the end of 2012 – life has never been something I could call ‘static’ at any one moment. In fact; its almost overwhelming how fast things have changed, ARE changing and WILL change – my life NOW even, is still pretty drastically different to how it was 6 months ago, 3 months ago, ONE month ago…and I’m not gonna lie, it has been challenging and difficult at times…but at the same time its crazy and exciting – and I do strongly believe that God intended a purpose for everything that happens in our lives, good OR bad. That, and occasionally we make stupid decisions and reap the consequences of our stupidity. Hahahahaha.

A stark contrast from the life I knew in Australia; where the monotony nearly killed me.

In fact – what I was doing last year when I wrote my “What to be thankful for” note; I would have no idea that one year on, my life would look like it does now. Even in one year…God has redeemed and changed a lot of things, within me AND through me; doors have opened, doors have closed; friends have come, friends have left; I learn every day, more and more things I need to change and improve about myself; my eyes have been opened more and more to things of this world and things of God that I never had the ability to see before.

And so, despite MANY major stress points and setbacks this year which have challenged me and stressed me much; I know that God is doing a good work in me; that He is training me up to be something more (its like boot camp of life); and for that I am THANKFUL.

Philippians 1:6 “…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

I used to wonder a few years ago – as someone seeking Christ, but also LOVING hiphop (it made me have so much peace..and excitement in my heart to watch/listen/do anything involving hiphop culture) – would I ever meet others who shared the same heart as I do? To love God and love hiphop at the same time? Or is it better for me to try and liken myself to others in the church to fit in?

But years on…I have found it!! Slowly, more and more people coming into my life that are like minded, that want to live for Christ but do so THROUGH hiphop culture as a means, TO the hiphop community…and its freakin awesome. My heart sings. Heheheh.

So to the brother/bboy in Christ who I only knew about through bboy friends who are big fans of him back in Australia(fanboys. Are real. hahahah), someone who I look to as almost a real older brother to me, someone who has opened my eyes and opened doors to the hiphop world for me, THANKYOU. To be able to teach English to, and learn Djing from the top hiphop DJ in Korea and also share faith with him, has been SUCH a blessing. Djing has been hard haha, but all the more do I have true respect and appreciation for DJs, so THANKYOU. To be able to start and quickly get better at graffiti work, and to meet friends who are willing to teach me and help me improve; something I actually wanted to do since I was a little girl (yes…I used to want to be a graffiti artist in primary school), THANKYOU. To those who have shown me that its possible for us to use hiphop for Christ and create dope things for His glory; THANKYOU. For all the connections that I have started to form with talented people in music and dance and art and Mcing and everything in between; THANKYOU! It’s been a huge journey of giggedy-giggedy oh-YEAH moments which have truly blessed my life in the past year:)

To my pastor here in Korea, and my pastor back in Australia – although neither I have really spent too much time personally with; I now realise the burden and weight that they carry in a position of influence/at the scrutiny of others; and now do I understand more the stress they undergo because of their love for the church. And for that I am thankful; for the selflessness that we sometimes do not see.

To my church family – who have been the closest thing I have ever had to emotionally experiencing real familial love; I LOVE you guys! For being there for me; for caring for my wellbeing; for checking up on me when I need it; for praying for me! Through our triumphs, our tears, our pain, our struggles….it has been a very difficult year for all of us. But through this, we have grown stronger, and I remember the importance of community and sharing our burdens as we go through this life. I couldn’t have gone through this year without them. So THANKYOU!

Ecclestiastes 4:9-12
“Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labour:
if either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

God has opened up my heart slowly over the past 2 years and showed me what it truly means to love and care for others. So to my blood family; despite the pain and hurt that I felt, that I feel at times in regards to my fam – in the end its from our OWN wounds that we don’t know how to love others well or in the appropriate way, even though the TRUE intent to care and love is still there. My wounds, their wounds…all of us. So I’m learning how God’s grace covers us all;and underneath it all, how to be thankful for the things that my family HAS done for me.

And finally but most importantly of all, I am thankful for JESUS in my life! And since you’re on my blog and reading this you have to deal with my cheese. Haha. For giving me LIFE, for giving me PURPOSE, for giving me IDENTITY – things I never had before. And even though its been hard, even though there are plenty of days where I feel like giving up and feel tired of all the trials and temptations, I have hope in Him and hope in the great things that I KNOW will come, and I am SO THANKFUL for all the doors that keep opening to meet and interact with and collaborate with dope people, for all the things I am experiencing and discovering, for all the chances to do cool things, to do things that can inspire and help other people, to be an encouragement to those who need it who appear in my life, to SURVIVE in a foreign country, to have my eyes opened to this world. Words can’t even express the magnitude of gratefulness I have to God for His majesty in my life. So…there’s no turning back.

For those people who really know me and support me; whether I met you a month ago and we CLICKED or I’ve known you for a long time (and we still get each other…hahaha)…RIDE OR DIE, BABY. You know who you are:)) Thankful for all the blessings, and HAPPY THANKSGIVING everyone!

Be blessed,

Beckiii.

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Passage Musings, Personal Musings

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS….PRAY.

Isn’t it funny, that when we have everything going good, we tend to forget about God and put Him on the backburner, away in a box to collect dust, only to take that magic lamp back out and ask for our 3 wishes when our lives once again, take a turn for the worse?

 

Although I don’t think I’ve ever been that ‘unreliant’ on God…still, in a sense…how often do we believe our prayers and actually believe that He WILL? That despite our seemingly dire circumstances (amidst fist shaking at the sky screamng, “WHY GOD, WHY??” – am I being a little too melodramatic here?) that He will use them to shape and mould us into something better…but in His timing?

 

Been thinking about that a lot lately. Stuck in the mental rut of, “So…what the hell am I doing again?” and, “I’m trying so hard but I don’t know if this is going anywhere…” and I fall further and further into a negative spiral of helpless thoughts, periodically slapping myself in the face to try and raise myself into positivity again.

 

The sermon at church was preached on Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

 

Jesus is pretty much, coming to us with open arms, inviting us to come and REST. Rest is guaranteed.

He ISN’T saying, “I miiiight give you rest.” “IF you clean yourself up perfectly first, then maaaaybe you get a break.” “Just kidding! Here’s a heavier burden to carry HAHA.” but INSTEAD, “Come, and I WILL give you rest. I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (haha…heavily paraphrased.)

 

A good point that was pointed out by my friend is that, Jesus never said he would take AWAY our burden (the yoke) but rather, lighten the load so that it becomes easier for us. Because who said this life would be without troubles? He certainly didn’t! (John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”)

 

SO! (after that huge deviation) I ask myself….do I REALLY trust You? You PROMISE me rest, You promise me You will never leave me nor forsake me…yet am I still letting my burdens and worries overwhelm me by gripping tight to the steering wheel of my life, rather than trusting You to guide me in the right direction? (…I was never a great driver, hahahhaha…)

 

So yes…I took a massive leap of faith in dropping my life in Australia to come and find a new one with God in Korea. And yes, I have hope for my future with all the cool, exciting opportunities that are popping up, despite being in an extended stage of limbo and uncertainty at the moment….but I can’t let this fog cloud my vision. To have faith, is to step out into a place of which we cannot see, to have courage to follow into the darkness….sigh.

 

Lord, be my eyes and guide my heart.

 

*SLAPS SELF IN FACE*

 

Blessings,

 

Beckii.

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Passage Musings

ALL EQUAL.

Listening to Andy Mineo’s new ‘Heroes for Sale’ album for the past few days nonstop has evoked many a new thought in my head. Its AWESOME. AMAZING. Whatever you want to call it, Andy is on fire and the more I listen the more meaning I hear from his lyrics.

 

CONVICTION. Anyway….I might blog more in depth about his awesome album in a later post. Go support a brother and buy his album on iTunes! or on Reach Records if you don’t have iTunes, like me.

 

Christian rap is starting to reaaaaallly be on point. PtL for hiphop!

 

 

 

SO! As ‘Superhuman’ played in my head all Friday morning [ “so the grace I talk about in all of my records / I need it for myself cause really I’m just a mess”, “they expected / me to be a man without flaws / thats false I am just another rapper that’s called to point y’all to the cross”] it made me think of the vineyard parable I had recently read in Matthew.

 

 

Matthew 20:1-16 (NIV)

 

“For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire men to work in his vineyard. He agreed to pay then a denarius for the day and sent them out into his vineyard.

About the third hour he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing. He told them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.’ So they went.

He went out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour and did the same thing. About the eleventh hour he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, ‘Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?’

‘Because no one has hired us,’ they answered. He said to them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard.’

When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, ‘Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.’

The workers who were hired about the eleventh hour came and each received a denarius. So when those who came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius. When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner. ‘These men who were hired last worked only one hour,’ they said, ‘and you who have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.’

But he answered one of them, ‘Friend, I am not being unfair to you. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarious? Take your pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?’

So the last will be first, and the first will be last.”

 

 

 

Okay that was long. And I suppose when I read it on first glance, I too was kind of like…what the heck?! Who toils all day and gets the same pay as someone who only worked one hour? Thats not fair! But I think it is actually a pretty hmm…humbling revelation when you realise that in the kingdom of God, it ain’t about you and how much more you did compared to someone else. Its what Jesus did for us; and that no matter how long you have been saved for, EVERYONE’s salvation is the same, and equal in God’s eyes.

 

The workers who were asked to the vineyard earlier believed it was for their OWN efforts that they deserved to be paid more, even thought they had agreed on the wage they were to be given.

 

In contrast, the workers that were left over in the eleventh hour were just that. Left over. and probably not the most able. The best always get chosen first for something, right? until the landowner came and found them and gave them work to do and the chance to earn some money.

 

And so we can see [or at least I think so…welcome to my blog haha] that this is an example of God’s GRACE. That no matter if we are blessed with more skills and abilities to do more and reach higher status and success in this world, or if we are more unfortunate in our circumstances and fail at things in our life, it doesn’t matter. God’s grace extends to us all, in the same amount, and we all receive the SAME salvation.

 

So be humbled in knowing that you are not superior over anyone else; nor are you any lesser. we are alllllll but…human! and Jesus came to die for us all….not for anything we did in particular, but that God’s love extends unconditionally for all.

 

 

blessings,

 

 

beckii xo

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