Personal Musings

STREETLIGHTS

So as always, its been a minute since I had time to blog….and as always, a lot of…STUFF. And TRANSITION. And CHANGES have occurred. And right now, I don’t quite have enough time to write something concise YET…but best believe I got ALL sorts of things that I want to blog out right now! Swirling around in my head….

Just a short post to pimp out a recent finding of mine….STREETLIGHTS.

What is this, you ask? Let me say by saying, I have always had trouble reading my Bible. Back in my time in Australia I barely read at all…but now, I read it a lot, and I am continually pushing myself to read it more and more (per day, now that I have finally pushed myself into FINALLY keeping to daily readings), yet I STILL have trouble in feeling the depth behind the words.

The Bible is true and the Word is living – I know this full well. Yet especially in my attempts to read the Old Testament, it just seemed like…a story. I’m a visual person, but I couldn’t feel the depths of the words…until now.

With my now (improved) QT/daily devotional time in which I am finally learning how to properly meditate and THINK over the verses I am reading, combined with STREETLIGHTS…wow. God’s Word is starting to blaze, a burning fire in my heart as I am understanding more and more who He is, who WE are…and ultimately how sovereign He is over all. Wow.

So enough stalling! STREETLIGHTS is a project done by well known Christian hiphop/spoken word artists in America – an audio bible, 4 albums of books of the Bible narrated by the said artists over dope hiphop beats.

No doubt, I can’t even explain how much this has made me understand everything in SO much more depth, the power of His Word within me. And I freakin LOVE hiphop so this is WONDERFUL. Best thing? It’s FREEEEEEEE. All of it is free! Hallelujah!!

You can find the 4 albums HERE: http://www.streetlightsbible.com/downloads/

FIRE. I love ittt~!!!

That is all for now. Many things to come but the thoughts are still processing in my head…

God bless!

Beckii.

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Lyrical Wordplay

SHE WAITED FOR YOU. IM STILL WAITING.

Today is White Day in Korea, one of the many, many couple-oriented days that Korea celebrates. This one is akin to Valentines Day, except in K-town they do it slightly differently – Valentines Day is a day for WOMEN to give chocolate/gifts to men, and on White Day, its the guys’ turn to pamper the ladies. Interesting, huh?

So after that short segway, I thought this was appropriate to post.

I first came across spoken word artist Janette…ikz back around 4 years ago,when my friend linked me the YouTube video of her spoken word piece, “I Will Wait For You.” Millions of views and likes from interested YouTube viewers, this sparked my hope (and I’m sure that of many other single ladies and men out there) that yes, settling for less is NOT an option – that even if we search for the unicorn of a Godly partner, that we serve the author of time so who are we to worry? And trust in His provision, claim our portion in His timing.

That, and her wordplay was NASTY. Here it is:

“So it seemed, that it was cool, for everyone to be in a relationship but me..so I took matters into my own hands… and ended up with…him. Him who displayed the characteristics of a CHEATER, a LIAR, an ABUSER, & a THIEF so.. why was I surprised when he broke into my heart?

I called 911, but I was cardiac arrested for aiding and abetting, cause it was ME who let him in…claiming we were “just friends”..it was already decided for me by the first date, that even if he wasn’t! I was gonna make him ‘The One’..

You know… I was tired of being alone, and I simply made up in my mind, that it was about that time, so I decided to drag him along for the ride, cause I was always the bridesmaid & never the bride…a virgin in the physical, but mentally just a grown woman on the corner in heat! Who was tired of the wait!

So I was gonna make him ‘The One’. He had a… form of Godliness… but…not much. But hey, hey I can change him! So (honey) I’ll TAKE him, I mean he’s close… enough? Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter, not knowing the value of its use to me. Arteries so clogged with MY will, it blocked HIS Will from flowing through me. So, I thank Christ that His blood pressure gave this heart an attack, that flatlined my obscured vision, put me flat on my back.

Through my ignorance He sawed, through my sternum He sawed & cracked open my chest, To transplant Psalm 51:10- A new heart & a renewed right spirit within!

So now I fully understand, better yet I thoroughly comprehend, How much I NEED to wait… for You.

See, the bad thing is that I knew he wasn’t you from the beginning…cause in the beginning was the Word, and he didn’t even sound or shine like Your Son. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, and all he could whisper was sweet, empty nothings —

Which meant NOTHING. He couldn’t even pray when I NEEDED him to, asking him to fast would be absurd! So forget about being cleansed & washed with water through the Word…

But I know You.. ♥ You were already praying for me. Even never having met me, let me assure you, I will wait for you.

I will no longer date, socialize or communicate with carbon copies of you, to appease my boredom or to quench my thirstiness I have for attention, and short-lived compliments from ‘sorta kindas’.

You know…. He ‘sort kinda’ right, but ‘sorta kinda’ wrong?

His first name LUKE,

His last name WARM.

I, I won’t settle for false companionship, I won’t lay in the embrace of his arms, attempting to find some closeness, but never feeling so far apart cause, I just wanna be held. Cause ♫”all I gotta do is Say”… No!

NO more ‘almost sessions’ of ‘almost coming close’, passing winks & buying drinks, I’ma, I’ma, I’ma flirt!♫ Who flirts with the ideology of, ‘Can you just tell me how much I can get away with & still be saved?’

NO more.

I’ll stay in my bed… alone, and write poems, about how I will wait for you 🙂 He won’t even come close, our fingers won’t even interlock, we won’t even exchange breath, cause I have thoughts that I’ve ‘saved as’ in a file that God has only equipped YOU to open.

I will no longer get weighted down, from so-called friends & family talks, about the concern for my biological clock…When I serve the Author of Time.

Who is NOT subject to time, but I’M subject to Him. He has the ability to STOP, FAST FORWARD, PAUSE, or REWIND at any given time…so if we could role play, you would be Abraham & I would be Sara. Or you can be Isaac & I can be Rebecca – a servant’s answered prayer.

I am bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh, made up of your rib Adam! And once we meet, like electrons – I will be bound to your nucleus, completely indivisible atom. We even speak the same math: 1 + 1 + 1 = 3, which really equals 1 if you add Him.

We were all created in His image, but you have the ability to reflect, project & even detect the Son. If I were to explain what you looked like, you would have to look like a star, a son of the Son.. .I would gain energy simply from the light on me. I would need you , in order to complete my photosynthesis. I await your revelation, but once again from the genesis, I will wait for you ♥

And I will know you… because when you speak I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom, your ability to lead will remind me of Moses, your faith will remind me of Abraham, your confidence in God’s Word will remind me of Daniel, your inspiration will remind me of Paul, your heart for God will remind me of David, your attention to detail will remind me of Noah, your integrity will remind me of Joseph, and your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples…

But Your ability to love selflessly & unconditionally will remind me of Christ.

But I won’t need to identify you by any special Matthews or any special Marks, cause His word will be tatted all over your heart.

And you will know me, and you will find me, where… the boldness of Esther meets the warm closeness of Ruth. Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary, which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hanna.

I will be the one, drenched in Proverbs 31… waiting for you.

But to my Father, my Father who has known me before I was birthed into this earth…Only if you should see fit…I desire Your will above mine, so even if you call me to a life of singleness, my heart is content with YOU – the One who was sent.

YOU are the greatest love story ever told,the greatest story ever known. You are forever my judge & I’m forever Your witness, and I pray that I’m always found on a mission about my Father’s business.

Oh, I will always be Yours!

And I will always wait for You Lord, more than the watchmen wait for the morning…

More than the watchmen wait for the morning… I WILL WAIT ♥”

So, this single lady became my inspiration.

Fast forward a year and BAM! Her words became life; her (now) husband being in the audience at that time, observing her for a year to ensure that she was legit (and not spitting devotion to Jesus for the sake of the poem) then pursued her. Got rejected by a broken soul (as did all the other men), but kept on pursuing.

Her new poem, “I Waited For You” – were her vows at her wedding day. I can relate to the emotions in this haha…especially about that person not existing=P But isn’t that ridiculous and awesome? And I am ever more encouraged by His provision.

And her ever ridiculous wordplay=P

Here it is:

“Did you know that I’m not her? And that I partially agreed to the wait because, I didn’t believe you existed in the first place.
But then the slight, rare, possibility that you did, that you would definitely not want me. Because I’m not her.

I CHOKE on soft words like ‘want’ and ‘need’, I hate flowers, red boxes of unpredictable, strangely textured chocolate, balloons that take months to die and everything Valentines Day. I’m sorry, but to me The Notebook and Pretty Women were just, okay.

I am the one, that fairies tell you to stay away from, I was never Cinderella, I was the Evil Stepmother, I was never the princess, I was the fire breathing dragon, I was Ursula, I was the wicked witch of the west. Yet, you still chose to knock on the door of this castle of my heart, unaware that an invisible fortress had been built, due to much more experienced pain than a sting.

Unbeknownst to you, that there would be 6 more doors you’d have to get through before you EVER even saw a glimpse of me, I was still wounded.

Conditioned to live with a knife lodged inbetween my 3rd and 4th intercostal margins which collapsed my left lung. So i never left.

Due to you being out of my comfort zone and shortness of breath. Besides, I was already in a relationship with, pain. And I HATED him, but I LOVED him. Because pain had been faithful for years – I could rely on our past history that he was SURE to come.

My first love on earth, cheated on me. Visiting me on holidays bearing beautifully wrapped gifts of empty promises, tied with bows the colour of wishful thinking and then, leaving me. An egg can’t produce without a seed and winter came, then summer then spring then fall, and I guess mine took the option to leave, cause although mommy said I was beautiful and it wasn’t my fault, it still felt like incarcerated incidence.

So beauty to me was incomplete, like having only 5 heartbeats with no reason to stand up; there was no heart in the house tonight, nights like this I wish and I would pray,

Our Father,
Who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, please allow the clouds to gather and the sky to turn to grey, lead us not into temptation oh how I wish that it would rain, so when I look in the sky, I could see my reflection.

I got nervous when you got to door 6, but surely when you saw the auctioned off art on the walls no one else wanted, re-describing each and every one of my wounds, you see the UGLINESS of pain.
That I am not the beauty that you thought me to be, when you sat in the audience listening to a woman spit a poem about how she would wait. So confidently as I did every morning, after taking up poetry and music and talents and great things, others think of me because they are just John’s Legends and can’t see all of me.

I stepped outside to bask in the sun. He is the one that knows me. He loves me, He has the ability to foresee AND still loves me. so, I stepped outside. Only to find you sleeping night after night, in front of the door of my cold heart, who led you inside? I was terrified, no one’s EVER been this close, but all you wanted to do was show me that we shared the same old wounds.

There were no butterflies, just extreme discomfort, because comfort is uncomfortable, to someone more acquainted with pain, than love. Fear began to eat at my mind, and scarecrows plucked out my warm heart long ago, but even with the strength of ten men, I’ve had no courage, I promise I’m not lying(lion).

But for some strange reason you still felt like heels click three times.

I, was a relentless unpredictable storm. And i guess those other men were made of straw and hay because I HUFFED, and PUFFED, but the spirit that your ripped body housed, wouldn’t go down, why couldn’t I admit, that your hand placed gently on the back of my neck, CALMS me, instead I accused you of trying to control me, I HATED the way that my heart, became a defiant teenager and began listening to YOU instead of ME, and even after you kept, giving me your “i love you”s I couldn’t stop them from replaying in my mind, in my spirit, my SPIRIT bore witness to the Christ I saw in your life.

So after getting tired of the fight, I decided to give it a try. JUST to prove to you that you too, would leave, just like my seed and die, before petals, stems and leaves. My trusting heart, had been attacked, I didnt know the difference between accepting abuse, and being the peacemaker, I’m left with a pacemaker, nobody wanted me, my rhythm is abnormal.

I lost my footing and I kept asking myself, who ARE you? While climbing the attractive Mt Everest of your mind, I attempted to hike a little higher to take a peek at your soul, I lost my footing on that trail, dangled off the cliff of your condition of unconditional, and there is where I fell, in love.
Skydiving on the wings of your patience, thank you for catching me with this love, it’s too much, this love is just way too much, because your smouldering volcano ERUPTED upon my arrival. Smothering lava, I mean, hot, lava, chasing me down, burning the pain of my past, scorching heat, on the back of my heels, a fire that screams “Just let me love you!”

I fell. I am consumed, I am overwhelmed, did you know that I am crazy? Did you know broken homes, and cohort fathers, fictitious family figments, fractured bone and stained glass windows SHATTERED my windpipe. It’s hard to breathe when anyone gets close.

stand close, and just let me inhale, your exhale
stay close, even when I PUNCH you with my words
stay close, even when I CUT you with my fears
stay close, look into my chilling eyes and REMEMBER, look at my chilling eyes and REMEMBER, look at my bleeding knees, REMEMBER, look at my bleeding lips and REMEMBER, I FELL for you. And it took me 33 years to let that pain die. So that new hope, and new life could resurrect.

You caught my tears like wilted warm bible pages, stored them up in bottles and let them collect, as a reminder that as long as I am close to Him, I’ll never thirst again. And when God removed the scales from my eyes I remember, looking at you for the first time, and finally understood the meaning of the word “Behold”. I remember the first time I looked into your eyes it was like, it was like staring at the back of the moon, only to find that it shines too.

You wore patience like a tailored suit, and all I could do was thank God and your mother, for raising the man I never believed could exist. You began to see me transforming by the renewing, I was so comfortable cocooning, as you studied the freckles in my face like constellations, how sweet it is to know, that I am with someone, who will still find me beautiful with stretch marks, EVEN when I begin being stretched, as I press towards the mark.

We are not Romeo and Juliet. We are just Matthew, and Janette. We too, are a beaustifully written tragedy. We too, fought in the beginning like Capulets and Montagues, we too, persevered in love’s name, in love’s name, in JESUS’ name, two lovers, destined to kill themselves daily, for the love of Christ.

And although we know the world considers this poison, we will continue to drink truth. Stabbing ourselves with the daggers of His word, constantly to convicted, we live to FIGHT another day, we live to DIE another day, in order to LIVE another UNENDING day with our King of eternity.

So far from what our adversary had planned and written for our ending. but he is NOTHING but a pretender. Trying to be an author and a finisher, posing as an angry weak William that Shakespeares(shakes spears) but, as though many of his weapons will be formed they will NEVER prosper here.

And I know they told you, good luck with her. Many have tried, cuz not even Charlie could Parker(park her). But your consistent love would make Ella stop having Fitz(fits) and put down her Dukes. You had me wiling to walk, and hop on Coltranes(coals), even on a Holiday, inspired a desire to not be headstrong but Armstrong, you had me, in a sentimental mood, willing to walk miles to get to you, you became my black coffee and I couldn’t move on.

I felt dizzy, because I was out of my element like an uncovered monk. But you’ve been a good man for more reasons than I could count. May the Lord continue to orchestrate this beautiful life long complex called regression. I could make a million promises, with a long list of what I could vow, but we are flawed human beings. And if there was anyone that could break one before nights end, it would be me that could show you how.

So today I will let my yes be my yes, my no be my no, and today my I do be my I do. I vow, that at times I will fail you. I vow, that at times I will fall short.
But in failures and shortcomings I won’t tap out, I won’t give up, I vow, to gather arguments, like evidence left behind by usurps, having the humility to say, I have this criminal mind, and yes it is CS-I who is wrong for the sake of Law and Order.

I vow, not to bind to false romanticism, saying things like “you complete me!” because you don’t. In Christ I have ALREADY been made complete the Head over all. So I vow, not to attribute glory to you, that only belongs to God. To you and only you, today I commit. To you and only you I submit, with an attitude.

The attitude of Christ Jesus, who although existed in a form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but humbled Himself and emptied Himself, and made Himself to the point to where He became obedient, even to the point of death, even death on a cross, and THIS will be my constant reflection, because death on that cross was the greatest public display of affection.

I’ve learned that He loved me enough to give me you, and so I vow to you, my last breath.”

 

 

Be blessed,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

I remember my psychologist used to tell me, “You know, from someone that grew up in the circumstances/environment you did, you turned out pretty well.” I used to shrug it off and think, “No I didn’t…What the hell is she talking about?”

But as the years have gone by and I am older, and (hopefully) all the more wiser through the seasons I start to realise that yes…God DID protect me from going down the wrong paths, to an extent. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll…..hahahaha. I had none of those things, though at times I really wanted to, as a way of escape from my reality.

So why didn’t I? Maybe it was just circumstantial, or maybe it was that tiny, niggling feeling in me that wanted to do the right thing, that wanted to believe there was something greater than the cloudy skies and pain that I saw in my life, that knew that these things would mess me up even more…maybe. Hahaha.

 

But a good few years after being pulled from the psychological dark pit I was in and seeing with new eyes, I realise how blessed I am to have escaped the bondage of things like drugs, smoking, sexual addictions/abuse, etc…which are tough skeletons and shadows to shake off for many friends and aquaintainces around me…

Make no mistake, still the bricks I had weighing me down in life were and still are enough to have left deep scars – but even more it makes me think. We each go through specific circumstances in our lives, good and bad – to make us, to mould us into the person that we WERE, that we ARE, that we WILL BE.

 

So even now, in the unstable state that I am in – that I have been ever since stepping foot into South Korea, and increasingly so, with each passing month – and with that coming loneliness, insecurity, frustration, pain, anxiety, disappointments – that I DO truly believe that everything happens for a reason. That God has a plan and a purpose for my life, and although I only see a short distance in front of me (or rather, not at all), that He sees all of it. He saw my beginning, and He knows my end. Every person met is a blessing or a lesson. Each trial and hardship tackled and endured is one step closer to refining your character, and one step further on the road that God has designed for me.

Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

Philippians 1:6 “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

God KNEW us before we even knew ourselves. God CALLED us, He CHOSE us.

 

But its hard. Despite knowing that God is faithful, God is sovereign, and that everything will happen according to His will for the good of those who love Him…I falter, I cry, I stumble in the MIDST of these trials. And I feel like giving up.

I endure the wait because I KNOW these past two years have been training; that God has completely ripped out the old and nurtured the new in me; that I am a shadow of the person I used to be; yet there are still, fragments remaining, and I know that when I look away from Him, the worries of the world and the lies that the devil has placed in my head CONSUME me.
When will I be able to be free of visa issues? Or do I go back to the old life that I hated that kept me in bondage for the sake of stability? When will I have an actual paying job again (and once again regain the respect of my parents – although I know deep down my money-making potential does NOT equal my identity of who I am and what I am worth, but that’s a blog for another day)? What am I SUPPOSED to do in my life? When will my season of singleness end? Why am I praying double what I used to, yet You seem so far? When will I feel like I belong, rather than feeling like I’m everyone’s second choice and a misfit?

Most of these are lies…and most of them I just allow to permeate and circle in my head. Most of these things the Lord DOES have an answer to, its just the human side of me being impatient.

But frankly…I am tired. I am so DONE with everything, and all the uncertainty I feel. So many times I just want to swear, scream, flip a table and drink my sorrows away – yet I know that truly isn’t the right answer; and that as I have said earlier; God IS sovereign and everything DOES truly happen for a reason, including the waiting…so even in the unseen, God grows my character and who I am despite me being a child, kicking and screaming on the inside.

Romans 5:1-5 “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

So what do we have if not hope? Faith is the UNSEEN. Lord let me cling onto the hope that is in You; and know that You WILL. This storm shall too, pass…

1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

 

 

Be blessed,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

GOODBYE 2014, HELLO 2015

(written December 30th 2014)

Well. 2015 officially begins in under 2 days, and as I turn another year older in another 3 days after that, I wonder….WOW. Where did another year go!? The older I get, the faster time flies by…=/ Even looking back on my last New Years post exactly a year ago – and having then reminisced on the drastic eye opening life change I had experienced from moving from Australia – one year on, and my life AGAIN looks COMPLETELY different to how it did in 2013. I would have had no idea that my life would be where it is now, being in the situations I was in last year. God is SO GOOD.

This year has been another incredibly hard, stressful one – struggling with visa issues (of which I still am…being a foreigner in a foreign country is difficult), struggling with no income and no money (of which again, I still am struggling with….no money), struggling with church dynamics and big changes, struggling against my own psychological and self-image and identity issues which plagued my life before I came to Korea (mental health is IMPERATIVE and IMPORTANT, y’all hear mmmkay), struggling to figure out what God wants me to do and find my self-worth trying to work my hardest in as many avenues as possible, with no physical fruit to show…so many times I felt tired and frustrated and wanted to give up.

But! It is in those times of struggle and hardship that God is the most near – and throughout all my struggles, the times of desparation to grow closer to God in prayer and fasting to find answers and clarity in my season of extreme instability, I have grown IMMENSELY. Even though there is a lot of things still unanswered, even though I am still in a season of instability, even though this year has brought nothing but change, trials, hardship, more trials…even though everything in front of me is a fog and I don’t know what I am doing a lot of the time… I KNOW the Lord has been with me the whole way, I KNOW that trials shape my character and this is all training, training for the next season of my life to be prepared to BE greater, to DO greater things, all for the glory of God.

Never in my life would I have thought I would be able to have the opportunity to do more things in hiphop (as I had scarcely anyyyy friends who were into that culture like I was back home. Hiphop makes my heart sing lalalala~!!) and combine them with faith….especially as one who did not grow up in the culture itself. But! By God’s grace I have met and became friends with wonderful awesome people in the hiphop culture/kpop/entertainment industry this year who have inspired ME to work harder and improve my craft, made me proud of them for doing things to help others, to inspire and change other people’s lives, collaborating to create things to inspire others and spread God’s love through…

By God’s grace I was able to get a behind-the-scenes look at the huge bboy festival in Seoul, R16 – an event I would have flown up to see from Australia – thanks to my close friend (you are the best^^), to get to learn graffiti writing from a new and awesome pastor/rapper/graffiti artist friend, to learn Djing from and teach English to the top hiphop DJ in Korea (and to feature for like 2 seconds on one of his tracks hahaha), to experience missions in Indonesia and visit 4 provinces in a week, to discover (Korean) Christian hiphop crews and meet and talk and pray with them, to serve alongside a crew of amazing Korean missionaries evangelising through hiphop/EDM music culture in a bboy competition in Vietnam (I love you guys!!<3), to experience a taste of what a Youtube beauty blogger experience at sponsored events (thank-you my dear^^), to organise and pull of Christian hiphop events at my church and unite/meet foreign/Korean Christians in the culture and chill together, to plan with talented friends in the entertainment realm to do amazing things, to take responsibility and be in a position of leadership for the first time in my life as a severely introverted and scared person, to come closer to knowing who I am, what my identity is in Christ, to discover greater gifts in Christ and find fellow soldiers of light/brothers and sisters to serve alongside with…and so much more.

I never thought my heart could be pulled and stretched in so many ways; I never thought my heart would be MOVED by so many things and so many people. I finally know what it means to be ALIVE, to FEEL, to know emotion. My heart was so numbed and hardened over my earlier years I never thought it would be possible to make me feel “human.” I’m still not close to where I need to be….but the ice is thawing….hehehehe.

I never thought (a few years ago) I would be able to honestly say that I believe living for God is the best way and the only thing I want to be doing; but my eyes AND heart have been opened SO much more even over the course of this year. How much more will next year bring?!

…I even kind of ticked off my ‘resolutions’ from last year:

My non-exhaustive ‘resolutions’ list for 2014 would be:

1. work my butt off design wise and improve for business/church/freelance – but learn when to say ‘NO’ —> I DID work my butt off, and I DID improve….albeit I still have a long way to go to be an awesome designer. Did I learn how to say no? …kind of….not really. HAHA
2. get back to improving my Korean again. And time willing…Chinese =__= —> I did improve in Korean! A little…BUT I NEED TO LEARN SO MUCH MORE ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
3. grow in Christ – learn to love/receive love better:) —> I grew tremendously. My life is nothing without Jesus.
4. travel to Taiwan/Thailand/somewhere!! —> Not those countries; but I did go to Singapore/Indonesia/back to Australia/Vietnam….next year maybe?
5. heal from injuries and somehow get fit again… —> I am 95% healed from my injuries, after 14+ months. Praying I can start exercising next year!!

 

Of course, at the end of it all, I pray for breakthrough in this new year to come. Breakthrough in visa, my calling, income, business, relationships, EVERYTHING. I can’t deny that I’m tired, worn out and am tired of trials, even though I know everything, everything happens for a reason!

So thankyou 2014, you were another huge learning curve of which I am thankful for (breaking all them chains), but 2015 I really, truly hope you are a year of RISING.

God bless, and may 2015 be amazing for ALL of you. And ALL of me. Heheheheh.

 

Be blessed,

Beckii.

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Personal Musings

LOOKING BACK TO LOOK FORWARDS

Well, its that time of year again – a festive day that Australia originally doesn’t have to force me to look back, reminisce, to see how far I have come and to be THANKFUL for everything that has happened to me this year. Thanksgiving; we meet again.

Its so amusing, so crazy that ever since moving to Korea at the end of 2012 – life has never been something I could call ‘static’ at any one moment. In fact; its almost overwhelming how fast things have changed, ARE changing and WILL change – my life NOW even, is still pretty drastically different to how it was 6 months ago, 3 months ago, ONE month ago…and I’m not gonna lie, it has been challenging and difficult at times…but at the same time its crazy and exciting – and I do strongly believe that God intended a purpose for everything that happens in our lives, good OR bad. That, and occasionally we make stupid decisions and reap the consequences of our stupidity. Hahahahaha.

A stark contrast from the life I knew in Australia; where the monotony nearly killed me.

In fact – what I was doing last year when I wrote my “What to be thankful for” note; I would have no idea that one year on, my life would look like it does now. Even in one year…God has redeemed and changed a lot of things, within me AND through me; doors have opened, doors have closed; friends have come, friends have left; I learn every day, more and more things I need to change and improve about myself; my eyes have been opened more and more to things of this world and things of God that I never had the ability to see before.

And so, despite MANY major stress points and setbacks this year which have challenged me and stressed me much; I know that God is doing a good work in me; that He is training me up to be something more (its like boot camp of life); and for that I am THANKFUL.

Philippians 1:6 “…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

I used to wonder a few years ago – as someone seeking Christ, but also LOVING hiphop (it made me have so much peace..and excitement in my heart to watch/listen/do anything involving hiphop culture) – would I ever meet others who shared the same heart as I do? To love God and love hiphop at the same time? Or is it better for me to try and liken myself to others in the church to fit in?

But years on…I have found it!! Slowly, more and more people coming into my life that are like minded, that want to live for Christ but do so THROUGH hiphop culture as a means, TO the hiphop community…and its freakin awesome. My heart sings. Heheheh.

So to the brother/bboy in Christ who I only knew about through bboy friends who are big fans of him back in Australia(fanboys. Are real. hahahah), someone who I look to as almost a real older brother to me, someone who has opened my eyes and opened doors to the hiphop world for me, THANKYOU. To be able to teach English to, and learn Djing from the top hiphop DJ in Korea and also share faith with him, has been SUCH a blessing. Djing has been hard haha, but all the more do I have true respect and appreciation for DJs, so THANKYOU. To be able to start and quickly get better at graffiti work, and to meet friends who are willing to teach me and help me improve; something I actually wanted to do since I was a little girl (yes…I used to want to be a graffiti artist in primary school), THANKYOU. To those who have shown me that its possible for us to use hiphop for Christ and create dope things for His glory; THANKYOU. For all the connections that I have started to form with talented people in music and dance and art and Mcing and everything in between; THANKYOU! It’s been a huge journey of giggedy-giggedy oh-YEAH moments which have truly blessed my life in the past year:)

To my pastor here in Korea, and my pastor back in Australia – although neither I have really spent too much time personally with; I now realise the burden and weight that they carry in a position of influence/at the scrutiny of others; and now do I understand more the stress they undergo because of their love for the church. And for that I am thankful; for the selflessness that we sometimes do not see.

To my church family – who have been the closest thing I have ever had to emotionally experiencing real familial love; I LOVE you guys! For being there for me; for caring for my wellbeing; for checking up on me when I need it; for praying for me! Through our triumphs, our tears, our pain, our struggles….it has been a very difficult year for all of us. But through this, we have grown stronger, and I remember the importance of community and sharing our burdens as we go through this life. I couldn’t have gone through this year without them. So THANKYOU!

Ecclestiastes 4:9-12
“Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labour:
if either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

God has opened up my heart slowly over the past 2 years and showed me what it truly means to love and care for others. So to my blood family; despite the pain and hurt that I felt, that I feel at times in regards to my fam – in the end its from our OWN wounds that we don’t know how to love others well or in the appropriate way, even though the TRUE intent to care and love is still there. My wounds, their wounds…all of us. So I’m learning how God’s grace covers us all;and underneath it all, how to be thankful for the things that my family HAS done for me.

And finally but most importantly of all, I am thankful for JESUS in my life! And since you’re on my blog and reading this you have to deal with my cheese. Haha. For giving me LIFE, for giving me PURPOSE, for giving me IDENTITY – things I never had before. And even though its been hard, even though there are plenty of days where I feel like giving up and feel tired of all the trials and temptations, I have hope in Him and hope in the great things that I KNOW will come, and I am SO THANKFUL for all the doors that keep opening to meet and interact with and collaborate with dope people, for all the things I am experiencing and discovering, for all the chances to do cool things, to do things that can inspire and help other people, to be an encouragement to those who need it who appear in my life, to SURVIVE in a foreign country, to have my eyes opened to this world. Words can’t even express the magnitude of gratefulness I have to God for His majesty in my life. So…there’s no turning back.

For those people who really know me and support me; whether I met you a month ago and we CLICKED or I’ve known you for a long time (and we still get each other…hahaha)…RIDE OR DIE, BABY. You know who you are:)) Thankful for all the blessings, and HAPPY THANKSGIVING everyone!

Be blessed,

Beckiii.

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Lyrical Wordplay

SUFFERING SERVANT

To my surprise; Jackie Hill Perry dropped her new album ‘The Art of Joy’ for FREE on HumbleBeast Records. Check it here: http://www.humblebeast.com/the-art-of-joy . True to the record label name, she is a BEAST when she speaks!

‘The Art of Joy’ includes a short spoken word track, which is so simple; yet so POWERFUL. Definitely recommend it as a listen.

Lyrics and track below:) Blessings!

Beckii.

“Some people make me sad.

They walk past me with the rattle of buried bodies in their skeletons
And I am interested in why they havent dropped them off yet
While they have gotten so comfortable with the weight of death on their backs 
And I wonder
If they have seen stars in their eyes
And moons beneath their smirk
But you can tell
That a mirror would only give them nightmares. 
And I wish I could wake them up
Untuck them from the comfort of lonely and remind them that some dreams DO come true
That a heart
With chameleon-like pain will always be that colour
Even though the past and present hunt them like a vengeful eternity
Scaring the peace out of their faith 
I place
My two fingers next to their weary hands and pinky promise them that worship
Isn’t too far from their reach
As long as they are willing to try
Willing to crawl
Their dying hope to the edge of throne of mercy
Drag their weak hearts
Into the castle skies of David’s God and beg for Him to reign there with no umbrella
Just heaven 
Disrupting the hell and prison beneath their ribcage
Filling your lungs with songs that have been too scared to fly 
It is ok
Their earthly tears will be a means for praise
And David you see your kings face and He wipes them away
So smile
Because peace is coming.”
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Personal Musings

BECOMING.

Looks like I’m back again, back to the topic of identity and self-worth. This post is going to be a bit rambly and personal – I still can’t get my thoughts to align clearly in my head.

“I’m not good enough.” “Why would he (she) be interested in me?” “He (She)’s probably just being nice.” “I have to be like THIS for him (her) to like me.” “I’m nothing compared to those other girls (guys), no one will ever want me.” “I’m not pretty enough.” “I’m too fat.” “Single…forever?…”

Sound familiar? Sure does to me. All those thoughts plus more, cycling through my head in the past 26 years of life (well…maybe less. Don’t really think I would’ve been thinking about this when I was 5 years old…ahahaha), wondering why I am the way I am, wondering what it was (or is…I’m still riding solo haha) that day after day, year after year – as I see the people around me enter and leave relationships, get married, start planning their life with someone – that nothing changes for me.

My conclusion would always be that the problem was (or is…), ME. Or…is it?

Well…it kind of is, haha.

As I get older (thank God) my vision is starting to clear about the concept of a relationship in relation to my life; and realise that its not so much about trying to change yourself to become what someone else wants you to be (or what you THINK they want you to be) and attract someone with qualities that ultimately you are not (and how you catch em is how you keep em, honey)…but rather face your own fears, discover who God made YOU to be, and embrace who you are honestly.

After all, whatever shape or size you come in – CONFIDENCE is the key. IDENTITY is the key. For if we base or foundation of worth on what the world says we are – won’t it keep changing, and the bar for ‘perfection’ keep rising? We are all made differently, and no matter what, in this world there will be someone (physically) better looking than you, smarter than you, thinner than you, fitter than you……yeah, you get the drift. If we keep comparing, then we will NEVER be content in ourselves.

Obvious but! – knowing who you are, and being comfortable with it, regardless what other people say – is PARAMOUNT. Knowing how to GIVE love, but also how to RECEIVE love (and believe yourself worthy of it), is paramount. Not saying this should lead to complacency about changing and improving yourself, but rather knowing that God loves you, has a purpose for your life, and that you have your OWN path to follow – different to someone else’s.

God blew my mind a few years ago – and I KNEW that I had to change. But how? After 23 years of doing the same thing, forming (bad) habits…how do I essentially learn how to become a completely new person? To stop being so self-pitying, to stop being consumed by my own thoughts and self-condemnation because it is so much easier to put yourself down than raise yourself up, to stop comparing myself to others, to stop being AFRAID….afraid of everything I didn’t know, afraid to be proud of myself and what I have accomplished, afraid to be who I wanted to be.

So many lies, so many things impressed into my head as truth, as how my life should be, as how I should be…the time is NOW to rise up and BECOME who God made you to be. I had to (and have to – continually) remember that my identity, that WHO I AM has nothing to do with what I look like (or what I *think* I look like – its a daily struggle to not put myself down/be okay with myself and not think I look ugly and chubby all the time), its nothing to do with the job that I have (or don’t have – I tell you this, coming from a high paying job, quitting it to come live off my savings with no income in a foreign country on almost missionary status – definitely doesn’t sit well with people who don’t know my heart), its nothing to do with what the world says I am – but rather that it is knowing who I am in Christ, who He says I am, that I CAN be worthy because I am a child in His kingdom.

 

So what is the first step? I suppose…identifying the issues, and going from there. Hence the title…BECOMING something more. Going to try and be really transparent, because lets face it – I am done with trying to hide everything for fear of judgement. Enough! *flips table*

 

BECOMING…comfortable in my skin as a woman. I think one of the hardest things for me to be able to be comfortable with was seeing myself as a woman. Not as a girl, but a WOMAN. As a female! Coming from an overprotective family environment where I was not allowed to be responsible for anything because I “couldn’t do it”, where my opinion and choices were always rejected and not validated and hence could not make my own decisions on anything, where I was constantly told that I would be molested/taken advantage of by all men if I were in close proximity to any of them (note: this DOES hold value in society today as a valid point; however being wary should not stem from a place of fear) – I inadvertently pulled up barriers to everyone, and embraced being a tomboy – with no real mindset of my own.

I still can’t really look at myself without feeling uncomfortable.

If I’m just “one of the boys” then I’m safe right? If I just stay out of human contact (again, another easy thing as an introvert) then I won’t have to make decisions and talk to people, right? If I don’t try new things then I can’t make mistakes, right? If I become a doormat and do exactly as you say, then I can avoid conflict, right?

There was a time where I wouldn’t even wear a tshirt – my exposed arms were enough to make fear rise in my heart; so I would always wear super baggy sweaters and pants, even in summer. I would rather suffer (in various areas of my life) than to draw attention to myself in any way…which of course led to bad consequences at times…

Now being over mid-20s now; I can’t be a little frightened girl anymore. I have to admit to myself that yes – I need to embrace myself and NOT dress and act like a boy as a protective mechanism (albeit my personal style is kind of hip-hop/tomboyish….err thats not the point, haha) and that its ok to dress feminine. That yes – being single is really starting to suck and I need to learn to address my fear of the opposite sex and how they see me. That yes – I need to learn how to LOVE myself, take control of my emotions and rebuke all my negative thoughts about who I am and what I look like.

I’m not like you. Nor will I ever look like you. But Beckii…thats okay.

To learn to look at myself through His eyes, rather than my own.

Jeremiah 31:3 “Long ago the Lord said to Israel: “I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.”

 

 

BECOMING…courageous in what God has called me to do, and who I am through it. Fear is another huge stronghold over my life – somewhat less in recent years, but something that since childhood has been very hard to break (I sound like a mess dont I…haha so many issues=P) – fear in social situations, fear in making mistakes and hence being indecisive, fear in speaking my mind lest I be judged for it, fear of the opposite sex, fear of the unknown….EVERYTHING!

Coming to Korea gave me the opportunity to FORCE myself to face a lot of these fears (when you have no choice…just gotta do it) – forced myself to go to church/other large social outings (I really hate these) else I would be friend-less and alone in a foreign country. Forced myself to speak up in another language, or I would be stranded in a foreign country. Forced myself to step out of the box I so carefully enclosed myself in to experience a world, experience things I never thought existed, to meet people I never thought existed/I never thought I would meet, to DO things I never thought possible!

Now finally being somewhat towards the direction of what I’ve dreamed of, to finally do things that make sense to me and that can help other people, to be in a position of responsibility – yet being hit in the face with uncertainty and hard trials – being courageous involves TRUSTING God. ACTUALLY trusting Him, not saying/acting like I do, but really having disbelief at the back of my head. Trusting that He will pull me through this all even though I walk blindly – because He is sovereign and there is a purpose. There is ALWAYS a purpose, even if we can’t rationalise it for ourselves.

Romans 5:1-5 “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Romans 8:31-39 “What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Deuteronomy 31:6 “So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”

 

 

BECOMING…less, and He becoming greater in me. This season of my life I need to learn what it really means to seek Him and His face – and not just SAY I do. To prioritise the right things, to really focus on Him. Greater intimacy and time spent = gaining clarity and discernment, learning peace and trust, knowing His voice, knowing when I need to humble myself and release my tight grip on things in my life. There is just too much going on for me to try and control anymore…

Psalm 27:14 “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

Matthew 6:33 “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

Psalm 37:4-6 “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.Commit your way to the Lord;trust in him and he will do this: he will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.”

 

Time to LET GO. And…LEGGO!:)

 

Be blessed.

 

Beckii.

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