Personal Musings

END OF YEAR MUSINGS 2015

monkeybear new years 2015

 

(Shameless plug: New Year drawing by ME featuring my favourite furry friends. For more art/design of mine, please go to www.facebook.com/beckiiness)

 

So it comes round to that time of year again, and I wish that I had more time to blog more frequently. Looking at how few blog posts I managed to write this year ( I think it was 4…4!?) reminds me that yes, God IS and was doing a crazy amount of things in my life this year (as always) so I didn’t even have time to sit down and clear my thoughts to write. But sometimes I wish I had another me so that I could share every lightbulb moment God placed on my heart in REAL TIME, right? haha…

 

Anyway, as I write every year, and as I have experienced every year – beyond anything I could have ever imagined, every year has been vastly different from the previous, and progressively more crazy. I am now writing this from Thailand, for one.
But looking back, I can clearly see how God has guided me, moulded me, and opened doors to prepare me for where He wanted me to go (even though it has always felt in the present – and still does – that I am walking blind in a fog), for who he wanted me to be, and ultimately as His desires become mine – the opportunity to do many things that I’ve always wanted to do, but never thought possible.

 

God is good in every season, and I am thankful:) So as I reflect…

 

2009: Started attending church after feeling touched by a youth service I attended once off with friends in Hong Kong. Got baptised soon after my first real encounter with God through a dream; but I kept barriers up and my mask on, and things got worse – lost my drivers license through an (unintentional) drink driving incident falling asleep at the wheel, realised in horror that I didn’t want to be an optometrist with 6 months until graduation (I have wanted to be an artist ever since I was little), battling several things at once left me severely mentally unbalanced towards the end of year (I told no one and remained as much as I could by myself at home), so much so I nearly failed university.

 

2010: Struggling working in Australia as an optometrist for long hours with a manipulative boss, hating my life and job, battling severe clinical depression and suicidal thoughts (note: daily thoughts I have had year in and year out since I was around 10 years old) amidst family dysfunction and refusing to meet or see any friends the entire year as a result from the depression and mental imbalance, barely sleeping and spending my free (note: hours I should have been sleeping) hours desperately practising drawing in a bid to develop another skill and as desperate self therapy to mentally stay put together…living on too much caffeine and painkillers to combat the constant headaches…praying desperately that God would pull me through…

 

2011: Started seeing a psychologist as a desperate attempt to stop the neverending persistent thoughts of wanting to kill myself and regular panic attacks, and to avoid the use of prescriptive medication (for fear of someone finding out about my depression/mental state), ended up sharing for the first time in my life about my depression in my small group at church, and received physical healing from the depressive effects – something I had daily for the past 1.5years (if you have depression, you will understand the physical side effects that come with it).
Internally renewing but the outer factors remained unchanged, so my mind started to slip backwards again.

 

2012: I ‘bought’ myself some time to think and moved to Korea during summer for 3 months to pray about where God wanted me to go, but distractions and wrong company made me fall away from church and I almost gave up believing. Answerless, I returned back to Australia for a few months, but then decided to ( for the meanwhile) go back to Korea at the end of the year to pursue God SERIOUSLY ( I challenged myself, “Just how hard can I run after God?”) desperately seeking to find more and to find purpose to combat the returning negative thoughts and lack of life meaning.

 

2013: My first full year living in Korea I saturated myself – double service every Sunday at two churches for 6 months; self- Bible reading/study every day, women’s ministry, church retreats, prayer meetings, conferences, discipleship, small group/Bible study groups, EVERYTHING and anything I could get my hands on. And then my eyes began to be opened…I received the gift of tongues, truly developed a REAL, strong understanding and relationship with Christ (prior to Korea I thought I knew but really had no idea what I believed in), still made a lot of mistakes falling on my face which made me TRULY understand His grace.
I once again, started training (perhaps too much) in taekwondo, but at the same time also started to become recognised for my art (after all the many sleepless nights and hours of practise I put in) and became involved in a North Korea related business as well as design at church, but wondered if hiphop could ever become something more in my life…something that I have always loved.

 

2014: My second year led me somehow to a good bboy friend of mine Dyzee (and I mention him everywhere haha), and my whole life started leaning towards hiphop as we became buddies in hiphop ministry, ended up leading hiphop bible studies for a few months with him and another friend, organising Christian hiphop jams with Dyzee a few times as Krosswerdz Korea, started getting involved in designing hiphop Christian apparel with this said friend and other friends separately in other churches, and started leading small groups and discipleship at church (who…ME? 0__o) as a leader.
That summer, I met the Korean electro hiphop missionary team Hispop, and I began to see how hiphop could be used as a tool for Christ…

 

2015: This year I finally started to understand my identity and who I am in Christ (that I have value as a person…I have value?!), I learnt how to wake up even more to His presence, and it led me to Thailand several times to serve with Hispop for different ministries short time. For the first time, I was able to go back to Australia with less fear in my heart, and my mother began to go to church. Hallelujah!
I ended up helping my friend out with R16, the biggest hiphop/bboy championships in Korea (working for Cartel Creative as staff – an event I would have previously flown out from Australia for, an event that I paid for tickets to watch in 2012, 2013 before I even met Dyzee! Who would have guessed back then…)…and now here I am in Thailand, delving into full time mission work as I made the decision to join as a missionary with the Hispop team.

 

5 years ago if you told me I would be where I am now, as someone with the drive and determination to spread the Gospel, as someone (mostly) free of depression and suicidal thoughts which plagued me DAILY year in and year out, as someone to live in a fully Korean speaking environment in Thailand (and translate things from Korean to English – I can’t believe I can converse in another language semi proficiently), as someone in a leadership role (or was) when I refused to even speak in public or stand on stage, as someone recognised for my art and design skills as someone who is actually an optometrist by training…even thought life is still SO hard, and I’m still struggling so much in this fog…I look back as this year comes to an end and I thank you, God. I thank You for everything you have made me into, I thank You for all the blessings, all the connections, even though I couldn’t see it at the time.

 

So as 2016 (literally) starts in a few days, I pray and hope that I will continue to grow, continue to grow closer to Him, to understand and be shown where my purpose and calling is, to finally feel like I belong somewhere, and for more breakthrough. I ask every year for breakthrough and it doesn’t really come, but I’ll keep asking…please Lord? hahaha.

 

I pray that in 2016:

 

  1. I’ll be on the path to somehow get married…please? hahaha. And that all my dearest single sisters and brothers get married too (shout outs especially to my church fam in Korea)~! haha.
  2. That I’ll be fluent in Korean, quickly pick up Thai and hopefully improve my Mandarin and Cantonese FAST (fail Chinese person)…and then move onto other languages?! YAS?
  3. That God will use me in ways beyond my imagination to reach people world wide, and give me stability and concrete understand in WHAT this life is for, that I will have no doubt in my calling.
  4. BREAKTHROUGH. PREASE. THANKYOU^^

 

And I pray that for you, you who is reading this – you too, whether you believe or not – that His love, the love of Christ will transform your life, CAN transform your life into something beyond anything you can imagine.

 

2016…lets go.

 

Be blessed,

 

Beckii.
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